Being a candidate is alot like being an non-housebroken pet.  You're not really sure what to do, where to be and how to act.  That was the life that I endured until the UPT Selection Board met in early November.   Basically, you are asking to be selected for approximately $400,000 dollars worth of training based on how often you can show your face around the Unit.  Not fun because you have a constant feeling of being a moocher........or at least that is the way that I felt.  You may be the best damn pilot in the world, but unfortunately, not only does no one really care, you're not.     The guys that fly for the Air Force and the Airlines are the best pilots in the world.  Therefore, just about the last thing that they want to talk about is how you made an emergency landing procedure without your instructors help.   Woo-hoo.   Don't get me wrong, these guys, for the most part, are some of the nicest people I have ever met but you get the feeling of a very little fish in a very big pond.  A word of advice, over the top ego or Mr. Bigshot syndrome does not help you out at all with most Unit guys.  Maybe with the fighter guys, I dont know.

            Being a candidate is not really a whole lot of fun.  It reminded me alot of Christmas time when I was a very little kid.  You really really really want something, so much so that it dominates your dreams and every waking second, but eventhough you are on your absolute best behavior there is no garauntee that you have any chance of getting it at all.  Having been burned by Santa for a skateboard early in life, I was definitely on the edge of my seat.  It is probably fair to say that my girlfriend was neglected much of that time and I probably didn't get a whole lot of quality work done at my job.    Daydreaming about flying is MUCH more fun than testing business software for code flaws.  I know, I know, you're saying "no shit".  But oh well, I got through it.

            There is another bad thing about being a candidate.  Plans.  You can make virtually no future plans while you are waiting to go before the board.  Ever damn thing that I said had to be amended with "If I get the spot" or "If I don't get the spot".  Talk about a pain.  I felt as if my life was exactly 100% stagnant.    There was no progress at all.  I woke up, I went to work, I dreamed of flying, I called the unit, no news, I went back to dreaming of flying, I went home, I worked out, I came home, and dreamt of flying.  That's all.  Your life seems to take on some kind of super slow-motion.  So be prepared if you've got months to wait, they are not going to be much fun. 

        Okay, now down to more of what you are on the site for.  Real Information.  Okay, there are a few things that you are going to have to do while you are waiting for the board.  First and foremost, go to your recruiter.  A word abotu recruiters before we go on.  You may just happen to be a superstar pilot and person, but for the most part, the recruiter couldn't care less.  They are there to help, but push them too far or act like they owe you something and you will be sorely mistaken.  They hold the power at this time and you do not, so act like it.   Be grateful for thier help and since Air Force time is actually slower than normal time, the fatser you do your part, the faster they have time to do thiers.  Savy?  Okay, so they will help you get scheduled for your tests and your physical, etc.  Not a bad lot, most of the recruiters.  You try being stuffed into an office the size of a large closet and helping idiots (you and I) all damn day. 

            Tests.    There are 3 of them.  Two are mental and one is your flight physical.    All are very very important.  Let's start with the AFOQT.  The Air Force Officers Qualifying Test.  There is a guide out there at any Barnes and Noble or major book store.   It is a study guide for the AFOQT and a sample exam.     Nothing in this world will help you any more than this study guide.   I strongly recommend getting this in plenty of time before your scheduled test date.   And believe me, if you have no idea of how the test is before you go in, chances are definitely in the exams favor of beating your sorry a$$.  There are the usual things, such as math and reading comprehension, but there are other more sadistic things, such as 3-dimensional blocks, and, oh gawd, electrical mazes.  Also as a fun little incentive, everything is timed and if that wasn't enough they bring in a cageful of screaming, agitated monkeys to break your concentration.  Be aware, the monkeys WILL grab things and throw them.  As for the timing, the Air Force finds that even some people might be able to figure certain questions out with enough time, so therefore they make damn sure that there is not even remotely enough time to do the problems.......even if you do know the answer.   Time management is the key to these tests, Don't get bogged down.  And when you are through with the test, take a deep breath and do not kill the test proctor, because chances are excellent that you will want to.  All kidding aside, there are many places on the internet that will help you will the actual preparing for the AFOQT.

            The second test is much more like a video game, and is meant to test your reflexes and physical ability to coordinate what you see with your eyes and transmit proper signals to your joystick (no pun intended).  There is not much that you can do to study for this.    Just be sure to bring your flight logbook with you and a form from your recruiter or else, they WILL NOT LET YOU TAKE IT.  I saw 2 poor guys turned away from the test because they didn't have these things.  Other than that, get ready for sweaty palms.   

            The third and most brutal test is your flight physical.  We have all had the old turn-your-head-and-cough physical and let me be the first to tell you.  This is NOT that.  I could have sworn that astronauts wouldn't have gone through this kind of testing.  Not only do you get 10 vials of blood taken to start the wonderful tests off, you end the day with having something, not unlike molten lava poured into your eyes so that you cannot see anything close to you and then have your head crammed into a vice and they ask you to read the lovely letters on the wall.  Excuse me, Sir, but I don't see a wall.  Oh and also I almost forgot the best part, sometime after you have the stuff poured into your eyes making you legally blind, a doctor comes to your rescue to look you over physically.  I'm sure the joke that they ask every single patient is if they have been smoking marijuana cause your eyes are so dilated they look like dinner plates.  I laughed and told the doc "of course not", but little did I know that this was just pillow talk and while I couldn't see, he thought he take that time to bend me over (that's a first), smear KY all over my backside (again, a first) and ram his 2 giant sausage fingers up my caboose (definitely a first and something I hope not to repeat until mandatory checkups).  After the giant fisted man finishes raping you (figuratively), you are allowed to wipe yourself up, which, no lie here, is a load of fun due to the fact that you can't see a damn thing so you have no idea if the cardboard-like paper towels actually have anything on them or not.  Fun.  Did I mention that my doctor was about 5 feet tall weighing approxomatley 150 pounds.  My suggestion to you, if you walk in and the doc is a big fellow, just walk right the heck back out.     All kidding aside, don't be totally surprised like I was.  Take words of wisdom from a famous pilot on the subject.  "If ya can't avoid it, might as well enjoy it".  

            After your exams are done and you have passed with flying colors.  The only othere things left to do are to go see the Unit and make nice and to wait.  Waiting is the worst part of being a candidate.  

Oh and just kidding about the AFOQT monkeys........................or am I?