Casey and I decided to take a vacation to Aspen for New Year’s. We boarded the plane on December 30 and after the usual mumbo jumbo the plane took off. Everything was going fine until the pilot came on the speaker and said that we would be taking a detour to avoid the blizzard in the Midwest. I looked at Casey and he smiled and said not to worry. Yeh, right.
The flight started to get bumpy and we were told to fasten our seat belts. Where’s a priest when you need one? The omniscient pilot came on the speakers again and said we had just flown past Tulsa and were heading for Dallas to refuel and then head for Colorado.
About a half an hour later the plane began to bounce around. Fortunately for me I get airsick in an elevator, so nothing really changed for me but all available barf bags were used in rapid succession. Mr. Sunshine came over the speakers again and rather indelicately informed us that we were going to half to land immediately. There was an airport just ahead and we had been given permission to land. Oh, joy. I’m not Catholic, but, that priest would have been very busy.
The plane went very silent. Until all wheels touched down and the plane came to a stop not a sound was hear, except for the occasional barfing stewardess just in front of us. Once we stopped, the plane erupted in a huge shout and a round of applause. After everyone calmed down, the much relived pilot came on the speakers and announced that we had just landed in Bromide, OK. Huh? Yes, that’s right, Bromide, OK. Southeast of Oklahoma City, Northeast of Wichita Falls and North of Sherman, TX -- it’s basically nowhere. Did they sell Bromide in Bromide, OK was the most asked question.
Well, we disembarked with our carry-on luggage, if that’s what you can call it. We were all herded (hey, we were stuck in South Oklahoma) to the “airport terminal.” I’ve got more room in my hall closet than they did in the “terminal.” We were told that we would be bussed to one of the motels. Oh, gee that meant they had more than one.
About an hour or so later, a public school bus with chains on the tires pulled up outside. Oh, joy. We were told that since there was not enough room at both motels, some folks would stay with some of the locals. Casey volunteered us to stay with some of the locals. How nice of him. Before I could say anything, he told me we would probably have better food and no check-in line. Ok. Fine. The bright, forward-thinking officials decided to leave our luggage on board the plane because “T’ain’t no reason ta, drag the junk of, when, ya go’n to put it right back on the next day.” Everyone loved him so much.
The school bus left with the first load of passengers and came back an hour later for the second group. Casey and I and about ten others were left. After about another hour an oversized pick-up pulled up front. A cowboy jumped down from the cab and came in. He was about my age with bright blue eyes and about 6’ tall and built like, well a cowboy. Since Casey had volunteered first, we got the first local to come. Hmmm. This might not be so bad after all. We followed him out to his monster machine and climbed aboard. Did I say we climbed ? I should have said we scaled the side of the machine and fell in the cab. The cowboy seemed to enjoy seeing us city-slickers struggle.
Our host’s name was Butch. Our destination was “a fer piece down the road.” He made small talk and I let Casey do most of the talking. After an hour of bump and slide driving, we came to a ranch. Butch hopped down out of the cab and waited for us. I looked at Casey and said “You’ve got to be kidding.” Casey, (always the brave one), jumped out and promptly landed in a snow bank. All I could see were two legs sticking out of a pile of snow. Butch ran around and pulled Casey out.
While Butch was helping Casey, I maneuvered over to one of the tires, thinking I could climb down. Duh. Well, when Casey had returned to a upright position he saw me hanging on to the top of this huge tire with my legs dangling, barely halfway down the tire. Oh, great. Well, that was when the cavalry came to the rescue. I felt two very muscular arms around my waist. Someone said “Let go.” I did. I was gently lowered to the ground.
I turned to thank Butch, but it wasn't Butch. Another cowboy. He was about 6’5” and about my age, and had green eyes. Some how I got out a “Thank you.” Butch introduced us to Hank. How do you do!!! Hank grabbed our stuff and lead us into the ranch house.
Inside was warm and cozy. A fire blazed in the big field stone fireplace and the crackling of the fire echoed from the oak beamed ceiling. Hank lead us down a hall and to a guest room. He showed us a bathroom across the hall and then told us that he and Butch were about to eat dinner and would set dinner for us if we liked. Casey said yes and pushed me into the guest room.
Casey and I cleaned up the best we could and joined Butch and Hank for dinner. Without all that winter gear on our hosts were even more agreeable to look at. Butch looked like your basic cowboy in that he had thick brown hair that came down about 1” over his ears and about 2” over his collar, thick long sideburns and bangs that kept falling in his eyes. Hank had thick curly light blond hair that was about 3” all over, like Butch he had thick long sideburns.
For the most part, we ate in silence until Butch asked Casey what he and I did for a living. Casey told Butch what each of us did. Both Butch and Hank looked at me and smiled. Nice straight teeth. Great dimples too. Hank said that the town barber had left for Sherman, TX about two months ago to take care of a sick aunt. Such a pity. Butch asked if I would give them haircuts. Would I?
Hank told Butch that they should not impose themselves upon the guests. Impose? Please!!!! I said that I always travel prepared and would be happy to accommodate them. Well, that seemed to brighten things and the rest of the meal was much more congenial. Evidently, our cowboys were left here to look after things while the cattle were taken elsewhere for the winter. After dinner, we helped clear off the table and then I went to get my things. When I returned, the kitchen had been transformed into a make-shift barber shop. Butch was waiting on a kitchen stool for me. Down boy.
I set things up for myself and put the cape around Butch. Butch said that he was tired of having to fuss with his hair and so would I chop a bunch off? I told him that I would do just that. I ran my fingers through his thick brown hair. I put on the the #1 (3/32”) attachment on the Oster and starting on his right side, I tilted his head and clicked on the clippers.
I ran the clippers up the side of his head. A shower of thick brown hair tumbled down onto the cape. I continued around his ear, slowly moving the clippers up the side of his head reducing his thick brown mop down to 3/32” of stubble. Moving around to the back of his head, I tilted his head forward and slowly ran the clippers up the back of his head to his crown.
Over and over I ran the clippers through his thick brown hair reducing it to stubble. Once I reached the left side of his head, I tilted his head again and then slowly and firmly moved the clippers from just behind his ear around to the front. A huge clump of brown hair landed in his lap.
I finished reducing the left side of his head to stubble. Then I took off the attachment and removed his left sideburn by slowly moving the clippers up the side of his face from his earlobe to the hairline. I had to do it twice because the sideburn was so wide. I moved around to his right side and once again it took two long slow swipes to remove his sideburn.
I clicked off the clippers and got out the shaving lotion. I lathered up around his ears and the back of the neck. I took out the straight razor, defined the edges around his ears and the back of his neck. Then I lathered up his face and slowly shaved his handsome face. I slowly and methodically rubbed tonic on the sides of his head and the back of his head slowly and repeatedly rubbing my hands up the back of his head. Mmmmm good. Then I rubbed tonic on his face. Butch was very relaxed - - well almost all of him was relaxed.
Next, I put the #1A (1/8”) attachment on and tilted his head forward. Starting on his left, I moved the clippers across the top of his head to his crown, leaving a path of 1/8” fuzz where there had been long thick brown hair. Again and again I slowly and firmly ran the clippers over the top of his head showering the cape with mounds of thick brown hair. When I reached the right side, I went back over the top of his head to make sure I got every last stray hair reduced to 1/8”. Then I blended the sides and back.
Well, when I removed the cape, Butch was uh, shall we say, alert! He stood up and rubbed his head with his hands and smiled real big. Then Butch bounded over to where Hank was standing. Hank rubbed his hands over Butch’s buzzed head and smiled. You know that smile, the one with the yellow canary feathers at the corners of his mouth. Hank sauntered over and sat down. He said that he liked what I had done for Butch and wanted the same, but shorter. I said ok and put the cape around him. Since Hank was so tall, I had him sit on a chair from the living area.
I ran my fingers through his very thick and curly Norwegian-light blond hair. Without a clipper attachment and starting on his right sideburn, I tilted his head and clicked on the clippers. I ran the clippers up the side of his face removing his thick blond sideburns. I didn’t stop at the hairline. I continued up the side of his head. A cascade of blond curls fell to the cape.
Then I moved the clippers back from his temple towards the back of his head reducing that 3” of thick blond curls down to prickly bristles. Again and again I ran the clippers back past his ear shaving the right side of his head.
When I reached the back of his head, I tilted his head forward and slowly and firmly moved the clippers up the back of his head. Mounds of thick blond curls fell to the floor. Methodically almost in a trance-like state I slowly moved the clippers up the back of his head to his crown. I slowly and firmly rubbed my hand up the back of his head after each swipe of the clippers until I reached his left side.
I went around and starting at just below his earlobe I removed his thick wide sideburn and continued around his ear towards the back. Then I continued running the clippers up the left side of his head shaving off all those beautiful thick light blond curls.
Then I popped on the #1 (3/32”) attachment, tilted his head forward and ran the clippers right down the middle of his head to his crown shaving a path through all those thick 3” curls and showering the already full cape with even more light blond hair. Slowly I ran the clippers across the top of his head slowly rubbing my hand across the newly buzzed section after each swipe. When I was finished I clicked off the clippers and rubbed my hand across the top of his head. Mmmm, nice and prickly.
I took out the shaving lotion and slowly lathered up the sides of his head and the back of his head. Using the straight razor, I shaved the back and sides of his head, rubbing my hand over each section to make sure it was smooth enough. Again and again all around his head.
Then I, lathered his face and shaved his face. After I finished, I slowly rubbed tonic over the sides and back of his now very smooth head. I gently rubbed tonic on his beautiful face and then for fun rubbed my hand up the back of his head.
I took off the cape and well, he was even more alert than Butch had been. He stood up and rubbed his hands over his head and laughed. Butch bounced over and rubbed his hands over Hanks very buzzed head. Well, I had to clean up - - me and the floor. Casey helped me clean up the floor and then helped me back to the guest room where we both cleaned up and went to bed.
The next morning, I almost didn’t recognize our hosts with their new sharp haircuts. They were both very cheerful and when Casey and I had finished helped us get into the monster truck and drove us to the “airport” and waved good-bye. The storm had blown through and the plane was able to take off.
We landed in Dallas about 40 min after take off, refueled and by 8pm Casey and I were in the cabin we rented in Aspen. That evening Casey reminded me of just how much fun I had with those two cowboys. After the New Year’s celebration, I gave Casey a very special haircut and “shave.”
Happy New Year Y’all.
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