Vacation ended up being a “working vacation” this year. Which is nothing new. While in Colorado, Casey and I met a race car driver - - Andre de something - - you, know, one of those French FIA drivers. Andre complemented Casey on his crewcut and asked where he got it cut. Casey told Andre that I did the crewcut. Andre asked me if I would consider giving him a “trim” before he left for a race in France. Would I consider?
Andre came by our chalet about 7 that evening. He was about 6’2”, pale green eyes, dimples that made my knees weak and thick tightly-curled brown hair that was about 4” long all over. Those curls were obviously salon-made, very nicely done, but, salon-made. He also had those long, thick, wide sideburns that seem to be all the rage. Someone tell these people that Elvis has left the building. Andre told me he was tired of fussing with his thick mass of curls. He missed his “normal” straight hair that was neat and easy to care of. Andre was going to be in an endurance race called “Paris to Dakar” and thought that a shorter haircut would make the race easier. Then, he told me to just “lop off a whole bunch.” Oui, Oui, Monsieur!!!!!
I took out my Oster and put on the #000 (1/50”) attachment. Starting on his right sideburn down by his earlobe, I clicked the clippers on and slowly moved the clippers up the side of his face removing that thick, long wide sideburn. It took three swipes to get it all. Then I continued at the hair line I ran the clippers up the side of his head. A cascade of 4” of thick, tight, springy curls fell on the cape and on the floor. I ran the clippers from his right temple straight back again and again reducing that mass of 4” curls down to 1/50” of stubble.
As I moved around to the back of his head, I tilted his head forward. I slowly and firmly moved the clippers up the back of his head to his crown. Over and over I moved the clippers up the back of his head. Each time I would rub my free hand up across the stubble that remained. Andre seemed to enjoy this. When I had finished mowing down all of the curls on the back of his head, I moved to the left side of his head and tilted his head. Starting just behind his ear, I ran the clippers around his ear towards the front. A mass of 4” curls fell into his bulging lap. Then, I removed his left sideburn, and again, it took three swipes to remove that long, thick and wide sideburn.
I ran the clippers up the side of his head and continued removing all those lovely, thick brown curls until I reached the back again. Then, I went all the way around the sides and back of his head to make sure it was all even. Once again I rubbed my free hand up the back of his head, much to Andre’s pleasure. I clicked off the clippers and set them down. I got out the shaving cream and lathered up just around his ears and the back of his neck. Slowly and carefully I used the straight razor around his ears and the back of his neck defining and cleaning up as I went. Then, I shaved his ever-so handsome French face. I slowly and gently rubbed tonic on the sides and back of his head and on his face.
I put the #1A (1/8”) attachment on the Oster. Starting on his left side, I tilted his head forward and clicked the clippers on. I ran the clippers slowly back across the top of his head to his crown reducing that 4” mass of brown curls down to 1/8” fuzz. I rubbed my free hand back across the freshly buzzed fuzz after each slow, methodical swipe of the clippers. When I reached his right side, I went back over the top of his head and defined the edges around the top of his head blending them in. When I was done I ran my hand over the top of his very buzzed head. He was very pleased.
Andre rubbed his hands all over his freshly buzzed head and smiled broadly. He said that instead of giving me cash, head would give me unrestricted passes to the entire Paris to Dakar Rally. True to his word, the next morning a manila envelope arrived with passes and Euro-rail passes. Cool!!! Merci, dude!!!
Casey and I arrived in Paris the day of the race. We met up with Andre and he introduced us to his navigator, Armond. Armond liked Andre’s new buzz, but liked his thick, unruly mass of raven-black hair just as it was. Well, not much I could do for him there, but my chance would come later. Stage one of the rally took them from Paris to Limoges. It was very chilly, I didn’t think France would be this cold, but it is January. Besides, Casey knows how to keep me warm and cozy. Stage two was from Limoges to the Pyrenees country of Andorra. Stage three went from Andorra to Barcelona and then to Madrid. Stage four went from Madrid to Gibraltar where everyone took a ferry across the peaceful, tranquil --- ok --- gut wrenching Straits of Gibraltar. Heave ho.
Stage five started on the beautiful Moroccan coast and ended up at Casablanca. By the time we reached Casablanca it was hot. Not just warm, but hot. Casey, Andre and myself all had real short haircuts and we were hot. Armond with all that mass of black hair was positively melting. He would not give up his locks though. Where’s Bogart when you need him? Well, we would hear that song played again later.
The next few stages took us up into the Atlas Mountains. From Casablanca to Marrakech to Semarra (which is no more than a bunch of palm trees around a mud hole) down to Zouirat. By this time we were well into the Sahara and the temps were unbelievable. The night before we left Zouirat, Armond finally came to me and said that he would submit to my clippers. “Just chop it all off, I can’t take it any more.” Music to my ears.
Armond was about 6’ tall with ice-blue eyes and very thick, long unruly hair that was about 9” all over. (He had a bandana to keep it out of his eyes). He had thick wide sideburns that protruded towards his chin. I took out my Oster and hooked it up to the generator. I took off Armond’s bandana and all that mass of thick 9” long, raven-black mop fell into his face. I tilted his head forward and clicked the clippers on with no attachment. I lifted up the center-most section of the mass of hair that fell over his face and slowly ran the clippers back across the top of his head to his crown creating a valley of stubble. An avalanche of black hair tumbled onto the cape. Over and over I slowly ran the clippers across the top of his head mowing down that mass of 9” mop down to stubblish nothing. The pile of raven-black hair grew into a mountain. I’m not sure all of that mountain was hair though.
Continuing on at his right temple, I moved the clippers towards the back of his head reducing all of the hair on his right side down to nothing. The mound of hair on the ground was so great I had to kick it out of the way so I wouldn’t slip. By this time we had a crowd of drivers and crew members watching the show. Then, I slowly and firmly removed his right sideburn. Starting where it curved towards his chin, I moved the clippers up across the side of his face removing that thick, long and very wide sideburn. It took four swipes to get it all.
Then, I moved around to the back of his head and tilted his head forward. I ran the clippers up the back of his head mowing down all that thick mass of raven-black hair, rubbing my hand up across the back of his head as I went. Occasionally tossing a tuft of thick black hair up into the air as I went along. By the time I reached just behind his left ear I was tossing clumps of hair over in front of him into his lap. I ran the clippers around his ear and a great mass of black mop fell into his lap and onto the ground. I continued mowing down the rest of his thick black 9” mop and then took on the task of his left sideburn. Like before, it took four swipes to remove that thick, long and wide mass of sideburn.
I clicked off the clippers and slowly and methodically rubbed my hand over the prickly stubble on Armond’s head. He actually moaned. I took out the lotion and lathered up his whole head. Slowly and carefully, I used the straight razor to removed all that prickly stubble. After each swipe, I rubbed my fingers over the smooth path left behind. All over his head I would swipe and then rub. Mmmmm. Then, I lathered up his face and once again I would swipe and then rub. Mmmmm. I slowly rubbed the tonic onto his head and face massaging as I went. When I was done, Andre rubbed his hands all over his head and face and laughed out loud. I didn’t recognize him at all. But he looked so smooooth!!! Mmmmm.
Casey was less-than pleased with me so between Zouirat and Dakar I made it up to him by shaving his head and then some. By the time we reached the coastal capital of Senegal, Dakar, Casey was smoooth all over. Mmmmm!!!!
Avoir y’all.
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