With all that has been going on these last few weeks, it probably seems I have not been in my shop at all. Well, just so you know - - last week two lumberjacks came in the shop. They work for the Grossman Logging Company and were on their way down to the main office and thought that they should “clean up” before arriving at headquarters for some organizational meeting.
These lumberjacks were both big and well, let’s just say they had been up in the North Woods a long time. Both guys were originally from Canada and one of them had a French accent. They were surprisingly polite and asked if I gave buzz cuts. Do I give buzz cuts???? I kept my snide remarks to myself and smiled and told them I did.
The first guy’s name was Duncan and he sat down in the chair and started rambling on about how they had been up near Hudson’s Bay for several years and then just last week the logging company informed them that there was to be this meeting and to come down and attend it. Evidently the grandson of the founder had taken over the company when his father retired and some changes were being made, hence the meeting. Duncan went on to tell me that he was from Halifax, Nova Scotia and had worked his way west to the Hudson Bay area where he had been hired.
While Duncan was rambling on, I was trying to figure out where to start buzzing. I mentioned that they had been way up north for a long time. Duncan was 6’5”, with big muscles, thirty something with bright blue eyes and had thick long brown that came down below his shoulders and he had a thick long beard reached his chest and stash to match. Some how Duncan had managed to keep his hair and beard clean and tangle-free. In between the bits and pieces of his life story, I asked just how short of a buzz he was looking for. Duncan said real close all over. I can do that.
At first I picked up my Oster and then thought better of it. No need to burn out that motor. So I picked up my trusty shears and started on Duncan’s right side. I tilted his head and vertically lifted a long thick strand starting just in front of his ear up to his temple and snipped it off right next to his head. 20” - 14” of thick brown hair tumbled onto the floor. I continued starting next to his hair line and snipped up the side of his head. Mounds of long thick brown hair fell into piles on the floor. I had to kick them out of the way so I would not slip as I went around his head.
As I came around to the back of his head, I tilted his head forward and started snipping up the back of his head from the nape of his neck to his crown. Over and over. Duncan’s hair was so thick that it took five or six snips to make it from his neck to his crown. I moved around to his left side and tilted his head again and continued taking his thick long brown hair in one hand and snipping it off with the other from his hairline to the top. Snip, snip, snip. His left ear became visible. Snip, snip, snip. More long brown hair falls to the floor. Finally, I was done snipping for now.
I took out my Oster and put the #1 (3/32”) attachment on. Starting on his left side, I clicked the clippers on and ran the clippers up the side of his head removing the 1” brown hair left from my snipping. I continued buzzing up the left side of his head around his ear and to the back until the left side of Duncan’s head was 3/32” of stubble. Then I moved around to the back of his head, tilted his head and ran the clippers up to his crown slowly and methodically rubbing my thumb over the freshly buzzed section each time. As I moved around to his right side, I tilted his head again and ran the clippers forward around his right ear. A shower of brown hair dusted the cape. Duncan had gotten quiet and was really getting into the cut. I ran the clippers up the side of his head until it was all buzzed down to 3/32” of prickly stubble.
When I stepped around to start work on the top, I hardly recognized the man. The hair on top of Duncan’s head was still long and thick, after all that snippage, not anywhere near as long. It was only about 6” or 7” long at most. I tilted his head forward and started next to his right temple and ran the clippers straight back to his crown. Thick brown hair showered the already full cape. As I buzzed the top of Duncan’s head, I ran my thumb over each newly buzzed section. Front to back. Buzzzz. Then a swipe with my thumb. Buzzzz. Then a swipe with my thumb. Over and over until I reached the left side of his head. I ran the clippers all over just to make sure.
I clicked off the clippers and once again picked up the shears. I placed one hand firmly on Duncan’s freshly buzzed head and tilted it back. Then I ran my thumb and index finger along his neck and chin to see how best to cut off his long thick beard. Starting on Duncan’s left side I held out about horizontally 6” section of thick 7” or 8” long beard with my thumb and index finger and snipped it off. I went around his face thumb and index then snip, snip, snip. Thick long brown beard falls to the cape. Then thumb and index again and then snip, snip, snip. More thick long brown beard falls to the cape.
Carefully, I freehanded his stash. Starting right-to-left going snip, snip, snip halfway there, snip, snip, snip I revealed nice red lips. I put the shears down and picked up the Oster with out any attachment. Starting on Duncan’s right side I slowly ran the clippers up the side of his face from earlobe to his hairline removing the still thick brown beard. Buzz up the side of his face. Shorter thick brown beard hair dusts the cape. Buzz up the side of his face. The cape receives another shower of brown beard. All the way around his face. Then his neck. Buzz up to his chin. More beard falls to the cape. All the way around his neck ear to ear. Buzz up to his chin. Beard dusts the cape again. Then I got out my smaller trim clippers and slowly left-to-right buzzed off Duncan’s still bushy stash. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Brown stash falls to the cape. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Half-way done. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Hey, he’s handsome. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Stash all gone.
I clicked off the clippers and stepped back. Wow!!! I got out the shaving lotion and lathered up the sides and back of his head and slowly and carefully used the straight razor to remove all that 3/32” prickly stubble. Slow, smooth swipe. Rub my thumb across the newly smoothed section. Slow, smooth swipe. Rub. Swipe. Rub. All the way around the sides and back of Duncan’s head. Then I lathered up his face. As before, slow, smooth swipe. Rub. The right side of his face. Mmmm. Smooth. Swipe. Rub. Mmmm. Smooth. His chin. Swipe. Rub. What had been his stash. Swipe, swipe, swipe. Smooth. The left side of his face. Swipe. Rub. Mmmm. Smooth. His neck ear to ear. Long, slow, smooth swipe. Rub. Mmmm. Smooth.
When I was done, Duncan was almost in a trance. I took out my favorite Wintergreen tonic and slowly rubbed it on the sides and back of his head and on his face. Oh, so smooth. After I was done, Duncan stood up and rubbed his hands all over his smooth face and head. He smiled and then laughed and sat down.
Duncan’s fellow lumberjack, Pierre, got up and rubbed Duncan’s head and then sat down in the barber chair. Pierre was from Quebec and was in his late twenties, bulging muscles, 6’3” with emerald green eyes and beautiful red hair he had in a braid that came down to his waste. He had a long, thick beard that came half-way down his chest. I was amazed at how well taken care of his hair and beard were. Pierre told me to take it all off. Your wish is my command. He was so handsome to start with, so I couldn't wait to shave it all off to see how much more handsome he was going to be.
Now Pierre’s braid was too thick to cut off with shears, so I undid his beautiful braid and brushed out his hair. I brushed slowly and firmly rubbing my hand across the hair I had just brushed. Oh, how rich and lustrous his red hair was. So thick, so long and about ready to all come off.
I decided to do something different this time. Starting on Pierre’s left side temple, I took the shears and free hand snipped straight back. Snip, snip, snip, waist-length red hair fell to the floor. Snip, snip, snip. His left ear appeared. Snip, snip, snip down behind his ear towards the back of his head. A massive mound of thick red hair piled up on the floor. Snip, snip, snip at the nape of his neck. More waist-length red hair cascaded to the floor. Snip, snip, snip around to his right side. Snip, snip, snip up behind his right ear. Snip, snip, snip around his right ear. I had to keep pushing the mound of thick, long red hair on the floor out of the way. Snip, snip, snip straight across towards the front.
Then I held his chest-length beard out and snip, snip, snip right-to-left. Thick, long, red beard fell to the cape. Snip, snip, snip under his chin and around to his left side. More thick, long red beard showered down onto the cape. Snip, snip, snip left-to-right. The left half of his massive red stash fell to the cape. Snip, snip, snip right-to-left. The right half of his massive red stash fell to the cape.
I put the shears down and got out the Oster without an attachment. Starting at his left temple, I clicked on the clippers and ran them back across his head to his crown. Thick red hair showered the cape and floor. Buzz. Back on the left side of his head. Rub. Buzz. Around his left ear. Rub. Buzz. Up the back of his head to his crown. Red hair falling all over. Not real long but thick and very red, falling with each swipe of the clippers. Rub. Buzz, buzz, buzz up the back of his head reducing what hair was left after the snipping down to nothing. Rub, rub, rub. Buzz. Up around his right ear showering the cape with even more red hair. Rub. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Front-to-back across the right side of his head shaving off thick red hair. Rub, rub, rub. Buzz. Front-to-back across the top of his head. Rub. Buzz. Rub. Buzz. Thick red hair falling off the top of his head onto the cape. Rub. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Rub, rub, rub. All gone.
Buzz. Up the right side of his face. Bushy red beard falls to the cape. Rub. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Right side done. Rub, rub, rub. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Chin smooth. More beard showers the cape. Rub, rub, rub. Buzz. Up the left side of his face. Rub. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Left side done. Thick, red beard ends up on the cape. Rub, rub, rub. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Neck to chin. Left-to-right. Ear-to-ear. Rub, rub, rub. Red beard almost all gone. Just the thick stash. Click off Oster. Get trimmer. Click on. Buzz, buzz. Right side of that massive mound of stash falls to the cape. Rub, rub. Buzz, buzz. Left side of that massive mound of stash falls to the cape. Rub, rub. Buzz all over the face. Rub. Mmmm.
Lather his head. Get straight razor. Slow swipe across the right side of his head. Rub. Mmm. Smooth. Swipe. Rub. Swipe. Rub. Right side done. Mmm smooth. Long, slow swipe up the back of his head. Rub. Oh, my. Swipe. Rub. Swipe. Rub. Swipe. Rub. Swipe. Rub. So smooth. Swipe back across the left side of his head. Rub. Swipe. Rub. Swipe. Rub. Swipe. Rub. Mmm smooth. Left side done. Long, slow swipe back across the top of his head. Long slow rub. Mmmmm. Long, slow Swipe. Rub. Long, slow Swipe. Rub. Long, slow Swipe. Rub. Long, slow Swipe. Rub. Oh, so smooth. Mmmm. Once all over his head again for good measure. Rub all over. Mmmmm.
Lather face. Swipe, rub, mmmm. Swipe, rub, mmmm. Swipe, rub, mmmm. Left side of his face done. Swipe, rub, mmmm. Swipe, rub, mmmm. Swipe, rub, mmmm. Right side of his face done. Long, slow, gentle swipe. Long, slow, firm rub. Long, slow, gentle swipe. Long, slow, firm rub. Long, slow, gentle swipe. Long, slow, firm rub. His neck is done ear-to-ear. Short, slow, swipe. Short, firm rub. Short, slow, swipe. Short, firm rub. Short, slow, swipe. Short, firm rub. Chin done. Short, short swipe, swipe. Rub, Rub. Short, short swipe, swipe. Rub, Rub. Stubble left from his stash is now gone. Smooth. Mmmm.
Tonic. Wintergreen. Rub it all over his head with my hands. Slowly, firmly rub, rub, rub. Back across the sides of his head. Back of his head. Slowly, firmly rub, rub, rub. Across the top of his head. Rub it all over his face. Slowly, gently, firmly rub, rub, rub across his face and neck. Mmmm. Breathe.
I popped out of the buzz induced trance and took off the cape. He was traffic-stopping handsome. Pierre stood up and rubbed his hands all over his head and face. Ah, Oui, oui mon ami!!!
Avoir!!!!
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