Mike Hargrove has been named Manager of the Baltimore Orioles. His first move was to make some cosmetic changes to the organization. Late Wednesday afternoon three of Baltimore’s finest walked in to the shop. I was shell-shocked because I never thought any of these guys would come to a barber shop. Brady Anderson, Mike Mussina and Scott Erickson. Their orders were to loose the mops.
Mike Mussina, pitcher extraordinary, thick, shaggy black hair that hangs over his ears and collar, sideburns thick, and to his earlobes.
Mike sat down in the chair first and said “Just lop off a bunch, I don’t care.” Ok. Can do. I got out my Oster and put on the #1 (3/32”) attachment. Starting on his left, I tilted his and clicked on the clippers and slowly moved them up the side of his head removing his left sideburn and continuing up the side of his head to the top. Thick, shaggy hair showered the cape and floor. Buzz, hair shower down, buzz, more reducing that thick shaggy hair down to 3/32”. Around his left ear and towards the back. Buzz, thick hair falling to the floor.
Tilt his head forward buzz straight up the back of his head to the crown. Buzzzzz. Mmmmm. Buzzzzz. Mmmmm. Slowly, firmly. Buzzzzz. Mmmmm. Over and over buzz’n that shag down to fuzz. Tilt head away again. To the right from just behind his ear. Buzzzzz forward around his ear buzzzzz. Thick shag showers the cape and floor. Buzzzz up the right side of his head. Buzzzz. Mmmmm. Shave off the right sideburn. Buzzzz. Mmmm. So nice.
To the top on his right. Tilt his head forward. Slowly, firmly press the clippers back across the top of his head. Buzzing down that thick black mop to 3/32”. Buzzzz back. Black hair showers down. Mmmm. Buzzzz back again and again until all down to fuzz. Then run the clippers all over his buzzed head to make sure its the same length - 3/32”.
Click off clippers. Get out shaving cream. Lather up where his sideburns used to be and around his ears and the back. Slowly, carefully, shave off what remains of his left sideburn and glide the straight razor around his ear and then clean up the back of his neck. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. Then glide around his right ear. Remove what left of his right sideburn. Lather up his face and slowly shave his handsome face.
Get out the wintergreen lotion and slowly and firmly rub it on his face and around his ears and back of his neck. Mmmm. Take off the cape and shower the floor with all that black hair. Mussina rubs his hands all over his 3/32” buzzed head and smiles real big. He points at the hippy, Scott Erickson. “You’re next.” To me he says “Scotty get’s it real close.” Sure no problem.
Scott Erickson. Very tall and buff. Thick, shaggy, brown hair that just touches his ears but come 6” over his collar. Bangs cover his eyebrows. No sideburns to mention of.
Scott sits down and I put the cape on. Pick up the Oster and did not put an attachment on. Starting in the back, I tilted his head forward and clicked the clippers on. Moving the clippers straight up the middle of the back of his head to his crown. Buzzzz. 6” of thick shaggy brown mop cascades to the floor. Buzzz slowly and firmly up the back of his head rubbing my thumb up after as I go. Buzzz. Rub. Mmmm. Over and over Buzz. Rub. Mmmm. Removing all of that 6” mullet-like mop. Up the back of his head to the crown. Tilt his head away. Buzz around his right ear towards the front. Buzzz. Rub. Mmmm.
Up the right side of his head. Buzzzzz. Rub. Mmmm. Firmly, slowly up the side of his head. Buzzz. Rub. Mmmmm. Showering cape and floor. Tilt his head forward. Say bye bye bangs. Shave a path in the middle of his head to his crown. Straight back buzzzzz. Rub. Mmmmm. Bangs and all cascade onto the cape. Slowly, buzzz back over and over.
Tile head again. Start shaving the left at his temple. Buzzz straight back. Rub. Mmmmm. Shave back the left side buzzz. Rub. Mmmm. Run clippers all over his head. Buzzzzzzzz. Rubbbbb. Mmmmmmm. Click off clippers.
Get out shaving lotion. Lather up the sides and back of his head. Leave top alone. Let him be torchered by the little bit of peach fuzz left on top. Straight razor glides slowly, gently, firmly around the sides and back of his head from ear to temple and from nape to crown. Shave his very sexy face.
Wintergreen lotion time. Massage the lotion onto the back and the sides of his head. Slowly, firmly rub it on, sooo smooth. Rub it on the face. Mmmmmmm. Good. Take off cape. Mounds of thick brown hair land on floor. Scotty rubs his hands all over his smooth sides and back and over the prickly peach fuzz on top. Devilish smile. Points at Brady. “Next.” To me “Shave his head.” Hard - - to - - breath. Must -- stay -- calm.
Brady Anderson. Poster boy for sideburns international and abs-r-us. Thick curly brown hair on to. Somewhat sculpted-but-yet-shaggy sides and back. Sideburns for miles and miles.
Put cape on him. Oster. No attachment. Click on clippers. Tilt head away. Start on left sideburn at the jaw line. Shave slowly, firmly up the side of his head, left sideburn all gone. Go to right side of his head. Tilt head away. Shave from jaw line up the right side of his head. Right sideburn all gone. Tilt head forward. Place clippers middle of forehead. Shave straight back to crown. Thick brown curls shower down to the cape. Again and again. Buzzz back across the top of his head shaving off all those pretty curls onto his lap.
Move to right side. Shave down the right side. Temple to crown. Buzzzz. Rub. Mmmm. Again. Buzzz. Rub. Mmmmm. Get rid of that nice sculpted look. Shaving it all off. To the back. Buzzz straight up the back of his head. Shower the cape and floor with his pretty-boy hair. Buzzz. Rub. Mmmmm. Shaving the back down to nothing. Move to the left. Shave the left back-to-front so it all falls in his lap. Buzzz. Rub. Mmmmm. Take it all off. Mmmmm. Click off clippers.
Shaving lotion. Rub it on all over his head slowly and firmly. Straight razor. Glide it all over his buzzed head. Sides. Glide smmoooth. Back. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. Top. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. Smmmooooth. Lather his face. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. No trace of a sideburn anywhere. Shinny smooth all over.
Wintergreen. Rub it on slowly, firmly all over his head and face. Soooo smmmooooth. Sooo nice. Take off cape. All that nice pretty boy sculpted hair on the floor.
Bye, bye now.
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