Aries You will go to the toilet at least once today. You will also get caught in a hail storm or then maybe not, it really depends on which side of the bed you got out of this morning.
	Taurus You will blink a few times today. You might get struck by lightening, but I'm not making any promises, as it all depends on where you are situated in the Merry Oak.
	Gemini Today you are going to meet your evil twin that you never knew existed, this will only happen if you birthday is in November. You will smell a smell at some point today.
	Cancer You are extremely gorgeous and a great person to know, and most people like you. You are one of those lucky people who can eat as much as you like and never put on weight.
	Leo The chances of you being savaged by an angry Lion will increase dramatically with regards to how much weight you have put on recently. You will greet a person today at least once (or maybe not at all).
	Virgo You may or may not or even possibly never discover that you are a rampant homosexual. Sometime in your entire life you will eat an eniregnat.
	Libra You have a well balanced character. Have you ever noticed that your star sign looks like Stena Sea Link? If not there's a moose behind you.
	Scorpio OH MY GOD YOU KILLED KENNY...............YOU BASTARD!
	Sagittarius You shall get into a rusty metro and get shot by an arrow and then die, the Lottery ticket that you bought yesterday will win the JACKPOT. Just your luck hey!
	Capricorn Your a bit of a scape goat really aren't you, at some point this week someone will blame you for starting World War 1, and you must strongly believe that it's true. You must kill yourself now.
	Aquarius If the stars are not in the excact right alignment you will fall in to the sea and drown. All this relies on you star gazing at the top of a cliff with a guy named Dave giving you a 'friendly' tap on the back.
	Pisces You will get abducted by aliens, but as you only have a 3 second memory, you will not remember any of it, but don't worry I'm sure someone will believe you.