You have reached WPMS~ 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, Iım not home tight now but my answering machine is so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on & on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, ³We arenıt in, leave a message.² Thatıs why Iıve decided to keep mine simple & short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering madhine message when you call me....

(Drawling granny voice): Way back inna wnner of Œ52, we didnı have fanshy gadjets like no ansherinı machine. You jusht had to call & call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey donı like Œem, but I shay itıll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in ³as-is² condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we art not sure it will be recorded. If we donıt return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hello. Iım Davidıs answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is Johnıs answering machine. Heıs not here, but Iım open to suggestions.

Hi! Johnıs answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, & Iıll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ronıs toaster. Ronıs new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...(Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sallyıs microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so Iım stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave you message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, & their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office & donıt need their picture taken. If youıre still with me, leave your name & number & they will get back to you.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesnıt do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, & it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(Very fast): Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name & number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 & dial your number. If you want to leave your name & just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name & message. If you want to leave your number & the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

This is not an answering machine~this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, & a number where I can reach you, & Iıll think about returning your call.

(In a bored voice): Heaven, God speaking.

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, & prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please not that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, & have a nice day.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name & number, Iıll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are & what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello. Iım home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message & I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I canıt come to the phone now because I have amnesia & I fell stupid talking to people I donıt remember. Iıd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name & telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I canıt come to the phone right now because Iım down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, nymber, & how much cash you need after the tone. If youıre from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi. Iım probably home, Iım just avoiding someone I donıt like. Leave me a message, & if I donıt call back, itıs you.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. Iım home right now, & in a moment, Iıll have a decision to make. Leave your name & number & Iıll be thinking about it...

Bob here. Iım home right now, Iım just screening my calls. So start talking & if youıre someone I want to speak with Iıll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidyıs answering machine. Please leave your name & number, & after Iıve doctored the tape, you message will implicate you in a federal crime & be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded & stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal & immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, & to arrange for you schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is David. I donıt live here so if you were trying to call me youıve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name & number at the tone. I donıt guarantee that one of them will call you back-- just that I wonıt.

(Deadpan voice): Hi, this is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible & Iıll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

Hi, this is George. Iım sorry I canıt answer the phone right now. Leave a message, & then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello, this is Ron. Iım not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open drawer & shuffle stuff around) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Weıre sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees & try again.

Youıre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You fell very sleepy now. You are gradually losing you willpower & your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will fell helplessly compelled to leave you name, numberm & a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...The telephone is next to an answering machine...you hear a faint click & a light flashes on the answering machine...You hear a beep...

I donıt exist at th moment, but if you leave you message, name & number, I will get back to you as soon as Iım here in person.

I donıt want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe itıs a dream, or maybe itıs an illusion, or maybe YOU donıt really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, & if itıs reality, I will call you back.

Iım not at home today, & I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didnıt take a showere today, & I might not take on tomorrow. So if you donıt leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

~ This is Alan. Leave me a message & tell me what I can do to... I mean do FOR you.