Paula Yates tells of her despair over lover Michael Hutchence's death.Written by: Martin Townsend
Paula Yates tells of her despair over lover Michael Hutchence's death.
This month's verdict by the coroner that singer Michael Hutchence's death was a suicide has caused a fresh wave of grief for an already devastated Paula Yates. For her, this is the latest in a series of blows. We were so much in love, she says. It is as if he has died again.
I met Paula in her London home the day before what would have been Michael's 38th birthday. Dressed in a black, polo-necked sweater and black jeans - she has sworn to remain in mourning for a year - Paula, 37, looks pale, drained and curiously small; as if Michael's death last November has somehow shrunk her.
In her arms is their 19-month-old daughter, Heavenly Hiraani Tigerlily, who is swept away by an old friend, Belinda Brewin, for the duration of our interview - only the second time, says Paula, that she and the child have been apart. Paula admits she is not coping well with the loss of Michael. During our interview, her voice often subsides to a near whisper, particularly when discussing the effects of Michael's death on her children. Tears well in her eyes.
I was talking to Michael's dad this morning, she says, and afterwards I was thinking he is definitely getting better adjusted. But I just think, is this it? To be lonely? And if anything, it just gets worse every day.
It doesn't sound very brave, does it? Paula says, turning her red-rimmed eyes on mine. Well, I don't feel very brave about it. I try my hardest because I have my girls, but...
From the bizarre circumstances of Michael's death, strangled by his own belt in a Sydney hotel room, through the funeral and it's aftermath, Michael's death was dogged by rumours - particularly before the coroner brought down the suicide verdict. Was his death suicide or a tragic accident caused by sexual experimentation? Was there an old rift between Michael's family and Paula grotesquely reopened at the funeral? It all added to the enormous pressure on Paula.
On the day before his death Paula was in court for a custody hearing. She had hoped to take her girls and join Michael for a three-month break in Australia where she had been offered work: a documentary about Australia seen through an Englishwoman's eyes, a top-rating breakfast radio show, plus two cover photo shoots for Vogue magazine.
It would have been her first work since Paula and Michael began their relationship. He could hardly wait to see them in Australia. He thought that for three months, just three months, we would have a life, she says.
Then came the hammer blow: the hearing was adjourned and Paula was unable to take her three eldest daughters out of England. She knew she could not be parted from her children for that period of time. And she knew that it would devastate Michael. I left the court and turned to my barrister, and said, "This will kill Michael", and he died a few hours later.
Paula has tears in her eyes now, and through the sobs, her voice is choked with anger. How much can you take? What did we do? I loved him too much; we loved each other too much. In their last telephone call, Michael and Paula discussed names for a baby girl they planned. Paula says she would definitely have another girl. Michael, who was raised in and adored the Far East, favoured Shanghai, Paula like Violetta.
At the end of the call Michael said, I love you and I love Tiger and I'm gonna ring Bob and beg him to let the girls come.
In the middle of that night the doorbell rang at Paula's home, waking Paula, who was asleep in bed with Pixie, seven, Peaches, eight, and Tiger (Fifi, 14, was at boarding school). I went downstairs and my friend Belinda walked in says Paula, and she was just sobbing. She said, I've got terrible news for you - Michael's dead, and I punched her right in the face. It was awful. I was crying and saying, How can you say something like that to me? It was just like I was dead from then on.
Anthony Burton, Paula's friend and lawyer in England, arrived later, plus Australian Andrew Young, who took care of Michael's legal affairs and acted as a protector for Paula and the family when Michael was away.
By this time, the children had woken up. Paula, half-mad with grief - the sort of crying when you don't know any more what's happening? - went upstairs to break the news. However long I live, she says, I will never forget how Pixie cried. Like someone had ripped her heart out. She lay on the floor and it was just terrible. She just cried and cried.
Little Tiger, upset by all the grief and confusion happening around her, was inconsolable until Anthony Burton put on an INXS record and gently laid her down next to the speaker. She stopped crying almost immediately and went to sleep listening to her dad.
Peaches took on the role that I've noticed she's tried to take on, of trying to take care of Pixie and Tiger. Fifi arrived from school to try and take care of her mum. I was just so proud of her. In the meantime, Paula had been mildly sedated as preparations began for the 19,000km flight to Australia.
Here, she whisked straight from the airport to the mortuary. Paula's voice is barely a whisper now. Tiger and I went in and just stayed with Michael. I was relieved to get to him, actually. It seemed like the longest 24 hours of my life just to get to someone. I got to him too late, but I got to him. Tiger saw her dad and then I sent her out and I stayed with Michael.
She then adds, I had never seen anyone dead and I didn't realize that they're that cold. It's really weird, they are like ice. I made the mortuary send out for a duvet and I wrapped him up in it. Tucked him in.
Did she hold him? Yes. I spent a long time with him. I just kept trying to look after him. She talked to him. It was the most private time I'll ever have with Michael, ever. I would have taken him home with me. But it's all so strange because your automatic reaction is to want to make it better and you can't make it better; you can't do anything. The powerlessness is just ... unimaginable.
The tears are flowing again. She had barely arrived in Sydney when a senior policeman, in that fantastic Australian way, told her that there had been no girl in the hotel room when Michael died. But, you know, I was always kind of impressed with Michael's ability to be very faithful to me and the girls because it's not easy when everyone thinks your handsome.
She has no hesitation in dismissing suicide as the cause of death. I don't believe he would have left Tiger deliberately. I truly don't believe that, and I'm not just saying it to make me feel better or try to make Tiger feel better in the future. I just know him.
The other theory, rejected by the coroner, was that Michael died accidentally in the midst of some kind of sexual experiment. Is this something he would do? There is a long pause, but Paula's answer is forthright. I don't think there's anything on earth Michael wouldn't do.
Paula would prefer that verdict to suicide. I suppose it would be easier to bear, in a weird way, easier than thinking of someone you loved that much being in such despair. What does she think happened in that hotel room? I think he was beside himself. With anger and a loss of hope, and pain, and missing the girls. And I think he was drunk.
Michael then spoke to Bob Geldof and ... whatever happened, happened. I think it was a lot of things meeting head on. But I don't think he meant to die. And nor does anyone who knew him as well as me. A cry for help, A cry for understanding. But not a Bye-bye, Tiger. Never, never, never.
Paula says she writhed with pain at the funeral. I never realised how it literally does feel, as if someone has punched you or broken something. Your heart actually does break.
Paula was unhappy that the funeral was televised because she felt that Michael would not have like it. She says that it was Michael's mother's decision. She has since been quoted, as saying that she did not believe her son would ever have married Paula. Michael's mother is an old lady and she's very unhappy. And I don't think she'd say that, she says simply. We would have married this year and we would have definitely had another child this year.
Despite her reservations about its being televised, Paula was impressed with the funeral. I thought that every girl looked beautiful, she says. I thought every girl thought she was going to the greatest cocktail party in the world and I think Michael would have liked that.
Next week: Paula shows us the Sussex seaside cottage she and Michael shared, and talks about drugs, Michael's obsessions with being a dad and the wonderfully romantic times they shared.
© Woman's Day 1998