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March 21, 2002

Remember the movie Reality Bites? That one all about university graduates and the lame existences they lead after graduation? (If you need a refresher, check out my list of favourite movies). I've always liked that film, if partially because it's sort of my worst nightmare. Never more so than right now, however. In two months' time I'm due to toss my cap in the air (not literally cause I don't plan to attend the ceremony, but figuratively) and celebrate the end of an era - the longest era of my life: my life as a student.

For as long as I can remember, school has been at the centre of my existence. My whole life was a linear series of "next steps" - elementary school to high school, high school to cegep, cegep to university. Even the choices I faced, whether between schools, programs, or activities, were finite and relatively simple. But after May 4th, there's a great big abyss at the moment. I have a great trip planned for this summer to Europe, and I can't wait, but after that . . . what?

Sure, I'll look for a job. However, the frustrations of job-hunting are enough to get almost anyone down. My goal is a job in advertising, and I think I'd be great at it, but the pessimist in me keeps flashing to that scene of Winona Ryder turning down a part-time job at the GAP after being fired, only to grovel for a job flipping burgers when she has all the proverbial doors slammed in her face. Will that be my life? Did I really spend the last three years tearing my hair out to earn a degree to get a McJob? What I find the most frustrating is the feeling of being cheated - working so hard towards a goal only to discover all the reasons why it's unattainable.

Some days I look at the ambiguity and see limitless possibilities. Change, after all, can be exciting, and it's usually helpful to try and see it that way. Other days, however, the uncertainty gets to me. Where will I live? If I land an unpaid stage rather than a job, and it's outside Montreal, what will I live on? What will I be doing? Where will my friends be? I dread the inevitable branching out that will take place as friends graduate, move away, and keep in touch by ever-dwindling e-mails. What a poor substitute.

I guess it's true that "life's a journey, not a destination, and you just can't tell just what tomorrow brings". It would be nice to at least have an idea, though.