I'm very psychic! I get a sixth sense, I can see and touch spirits-WOOOOOooooo!& he laughs.
Serioulsly? You're not embarrassed about saying that?
I don't actually find it embarrassing,but it looks very weird in print. What's there to be embarrassed about?
Serioulsly?So if you are psychic and you can sense things about people...
...then how come I fucked up so much?!Hee hee heee ha ha haaa! How come I've got the world and his mother coming out to sue me? It was people-pleasing and trusting the wrong people and being fucked up.
Do you sometimes wish you'd been older and wiser before joining Take That and leaping headfirst into fame?
You grow up singing into a hairbrush in front of the mirror saying:"I'm gonna be famous, that's allI want to be. I'm gonna be famous, I'm gonna be famous." Then you're famous. You did it.
Do you think that this desire to be somebody stems from childhood and your parents divorcing when you were three?
It must have an effect, but my childhood was a very normal childhood. It wasn't outrageous. I wasn't growing up sulking or becoming a Morrissey!
What's your earliest memory?
I was on the beach at Babbacombe and two kids laughed at me weight.
Were you particularly chubby as a kid?
Yeah! I really was a little chubby thing.
When did you start to lose the puppy fat?
Not until I was 17. Nigel Martin-Smith, Take That's manager, sent me
a letter- we didn't speak for the first two years, he just sent me letters-
saying I'd got to lose like a stone-and-a-half or I'd be trown out of the band.
Which is really funny looking back on it, 'cos that makes him a sad bastard.
But then it was:"Woooer, this inferiority complex I've had all my life is now
manifesting itself in my work, and I'm useless because I've got puppy fat!
I'm fat and unattractive, that makes me a loser!"
Is that why you once said you had an eating disorder and probably all of Take That had some kind of eating problem?
It's a bit strong that, Eating disorder, ooer, diet...No, I think it was just denying yourself food that you'd love to gorge out on. That's what happened when I left Take That. I was like "everything that I can't do I'll go and see why I can't And then you end up in rehab!
So you spun out of control?
Yeah, the last 18 months have been one rollercoaster ride.
Did you try every drug?
Yeah.
Was there anything that you wouldn't touch?
No...Mad fer it, me! It's quite sad actually, very sad. I'm actually at this point now where I haven't done any drink or drugs for three months and I'm like:"What was I un'appy about?" And I really can't work it out. But everytime I used to drink or take drugs I got more miserable.
Like a vicious circle?
Yeah you're like:"Well, I'm depressed, so I take drugs (huge sniff of an imaginary line of cocaine). I'm depressed so I'll have a drink' (another huge snort) and that's how it goes. But at some point,and I don't know where it clicks in, you go:"I'm really fucked up! Let's not do this any more. Let's go and see what we can do over here by sorting it out."
Was there one point in particular when you woke up drunk in a gutter with sick all down you and thought "That's it"?
Well, that'll have been Tuesday, Thursday, Friday...Hee hee!
The tabloids reported that it was your mum and your manager who talked you into rehab.
No, that's not how it works. Nobody can tell me...I mean, I'm young, daft, and I've got money. Nobody can tell me what to do. And I'm stubborn. So it had to be a choice that I made for myself. I said:"I've got a problem. I need to go to rehab." Everybody was very supportive. But I've got to give myself credit where it's due. It wasn't that anybody had to tell me I had a problem- I knew! I'm sorry for chewing everybody's ear off when I used to go out (effects very drunken gibbon-like slur) "urrnggh ng sgot un prw....ploblm"! It wasn't even:"Oh, woe is me, I'm so unhappy" 'cos everything was going fine. That's why it was just so useless.
So what was it like in rehab for six weeks?
It was this lovely house in Wiltshire, loads of cows outside, and me and... loads of other drug addicts, huh huh! It's a very humbling experience, very powerful, the hardest thing I've had to do in my life and the most rewarding. The thing in England is about this stiff-upper-lip thing where we're not allowed to show our feelings. Even though we're running around being really vulnerable and putting defences up it's:'Oh, he's more fucked up than us- he's gone to see a cousellor.'course, when you go to rehab it's:'FUCK-ING HELLLLLLL! He must be fucked up!!' But seeing what goes on there, I'd actually send my kids there as a finishing school. I really would. It's like going and having your head cleaned for a bit.
How hard is it to go out and not take drugs and drink now?
I've been out leads just recently and if I wanted to drink and take drugs it'd be useless. I know too much about it. Although having said that, by the time this interview comes out I might 'ave bin out and got off me tits. Today yesterday I haven't and that's enough for me. Now I go out and point.
Is it because you have too many other things going on in your life?
What? Like work? That's a separate issue. That's like a nice little hobby that I come and do that's running parallel with me. I really enjoy doing it, but it's not a central point in my life.
What is the central point?
Me. Becoming happy with me.
Do you regret any of the things you did when you were going through your fucked-up period? Like saying the rest of Take That were "stupid, selfish and greedy"?
I can't regret anything. It's more like:"Ahh! Fancy saying that! Silly thing!" It's like thinking about my younger embarrassing brother. I've been in videos where I've been smeared with jelly and wearing cod pieces. Surely I'd regret that, but I don't.
So how do you feel about your former band mates now?
Well, animosity is quite useless. I do have it, but it's not their problem it's mine. I wish it would go away, but still I can't stop it happening.
Do you feel competitive towards Gary Barlow now you both have solo careers?
No, not really...er..Yes I do. In a health sort of way. The most important thing is I've got an album that I'm really pround of.
Did you really buy his album, then take it back the next day and loudly demand a refund 'cos you thought it was shit?
Yeah. Hee hee hah haaa! That was pretty silly. It was just for a laugh. One of those spur-of-the-moment whimsical things that you do probably once a week, but nobody knows about it! I still find it incredibly funny. It wasn't meant to be vindictive.
You were in a boy band, appealing to a predominantly gay audience, being very camp on stage. Then in your first solo single you proudly wonder:"Am I straight or gay?" How comfortable are you with your sexuality?
I'm really comfortable with my sexuality.I could sleep with a bloke today. But I actually don't want to. I might do it tomorrow. I've no qualms. It's just not something I've wanted to do. But I might do. I'll probably dabble before I die. But it's like people think:"Boy band: they're all gay." It was only camp as Christmas because there was a gay impresario behind it and that was his vision of macho men. It couldn't fail to be anything other; it's a boy band for God's sake. Boy bands are camp. But so is Bobby Gillespie, Jarvis Cocker, Vic Reeves...I suppose it's a vaudevillian thing. Indie bands do the shy and coy thing and that's real. They're doing the real thing where they're whispers shy and coy. But I'm an extrovert and anybody who is an extrovert is invariably camp. If you use expressions and you use your hands, you're gonna be camp.
It's well documented that Vic Reeves is a friend and Elton John talked you into seeing a cousellor, but how many non-biz friends do you have?
That's another thing- people accuse me of being famous and having no friends from school 'cos you choose to forget them. I feel like I'm always justifying myself because I haven't kept in touch with anyone from Stoke-On-Trent, but I'm like that with anybody. I don't let anybody in. I just rely on myself. What people get is affable Rbbie Williams, everbody's mate.
So who gets fed-up Robbie?
Me mum...er...me management...I rely on myself. The cheapest trick in the world is to talk to somebody and instantly your problem is halved. I used to sit back and have a go:"Right! I'll have this for half a day, maybe five minutes."
Is it difficult to trust people when you're famous?
I don't know it's anything to do with being famous, it's just a particular personality type. It's something that I had before Take That. I don't give a shit if someone sells their story. It never crosses my mind. If these people are gonna sell their story it's out of my power. Basically, what else could be written about me? "Robbie...Does Something Else. Again?" Everbody knows he's a drug addict. Everybody knows that he shags about.
Do you have a girlfriend at the moment?
No. Basically my head's west so how could I share that with anybody at the minute?
You've said that you've only had one great love in your life: Jaquie Hamilton-Smith, who you saw for a year. Any others?
I've had one girlfriend, properly and the others are...(light cough) acquaintances. When I was 16,17,18, 19, 20, 21, Take That was everything and I saw the boys getting involved with people and stuff and I thought: "That's hard work and the band is enough hard work at the minute." Besides that, I never found anyone I particularly liked anyway. I never do.
Is that because you have high standards?
Now I do! Huh huh! I don't want to be unfair on Jaquie, because she's a very
lovely, fantastic person. I'm not being disrespectful to her when I say that...
Before going into rehab I went out on a massive bender. Apparently, so the tabloids
say, I was seeing Anna Friel. Which I wasn't. The first week we'd met we're in
the papers and it was this and that. I'm not complaining about the press, but
the fact is we'd just met and we were friends, and we are now.
But then I was
in the paper coming out of a club with a girl and it was:"LOVE CHEAT! THE MAN IN ANNA
FRIEL'S LIFE BETRAY'S HER!" And that did me head in 'cos I'm sat in rehab- the
first time few days and I'm like that (curls up in foetal ball and looks half-
dead)- I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it's gonna be difficult
for me in here because I'm Robbie Williams and I don't want people to see me as
that because I want the real me come out. Then the papers came in and we got the
Daily Mail and it was all about me. It totally just freaked me out. Now
it wouldn't, but then I was like:"I AM A C***! I AM A BASTARD! THEY'RE RIGHT!
I'M USELESS!" which fucked me up for about the first week.
Do you read anything that's written about you?
No. Not anymore. You get other people's perspectives of their twisted and sometimes tiny mentality:"Ah ha! Book. And. Cover. We know his plot." When you get personal criticism in the street or from a work colleague that's bad enough, but when four-and-a-half million people think you're a c*** that's bad. Or you think it is. Now it's like water off a duck's back, 'cos I'm happy with me.
You said last year that approval and affirmation were most important. Is that still the case?
Not at all. I couldn't give a shit now. I do have an opinion about what people think of me. I used to go into interviews and just give everything away: "Oooo! Look at Robbie being a media whore again." It actually wasnt' that. I don't need press. I'm already quite famous, thank you very much! It was more me going:"Like me. Like me." Quite sad really.
So of it all ended tomorrow could you handle not being famous?
If my album goes down the shitter I'm always gonna be famous. Whether all my money goes or not.
Could you go back to living in a semi with kids and a Volvo?
No. I'm incredibly rich! Hee ha ha ha! But no, I couldn't go back, I wouldn't be accepted back anyway. Im always famous now. I'd really like my album to sell, and not for the money. I'd like it to sell so people will say:"Ooooh! Right, he's not Amanda De Cadenet!" I'm not a boy bimbo. I'm not what I appear to be, but I've let people fashion me..."
Like with that iffy "Freedom" cover that screamed "Boy Bimbo" alert?
Well it's neither here nor there what I've done. If I hadn't written any of the songs (on his new album) and if I can't sing, it doesn't really matter.
Perhabs not in the fantasy pop world Take That inhabited. But if you want to be taken seriously...
By the people that matter? Everytime someone reviews my album they're gonna be reviewing me. The fact that it's very good is beside the point. There's an awfyl lot of snobbery that surrounds the English press. I'm pigeonholed. I always will be. I've got friends-well no, aquaintances- that are very NME- and Melody Maker oriantated and I play them the album and I can always see a tinge in their faces of:"Shit" I'm gonna like this." Basically, it's an album with a load of pop songs that I've had some input into. That's it, really. It's not important.
Surely it's important to you?
I'm very proud of it, but it's this fantastic hobby going on that's a sideline. If this doesn't work I might act- I turned down a film with Harvey Keitel because I was too busy with the album, I'll always find something to do. People are gonna think what they're gonna think and I can't help that. I spent far too much time thinkin I should be doing this and I should be there and and it's all for other people. Please yourself man. That's all.
VOX Magazine, October 1997