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Colin's 2003 Match Report

Ok seeing as we have a web site set up solely for the occasion, I thought this year I would send in an accurate version of events, so at least when we look back over the years, at least one will be accurate.

The weather was windy, very windy, as I arrived at the pitch, the usual people were there early doing the many tasks that go on behind the scenes. I decided a few things needed inspecting so jogged a brief lap of the pitch ensuring that Parsons and Hjelm were placing the nets up correctly, as I return to the home end PPW turns up with a superb goalie top for myself and is dressed in full referee attire, however the icing on the cake is seeing Candy's football boots which really gave the occasion that polished look (unlike his football). The rest of the players arrive, introductions are brief, people have a football match to play and the teams are not picked yet, people watch each other like hawks for improvements on last year, no one is criticising anyone, this really is serious.

Kick off is due for 10:30, however the nets are not to JC's satisfaction, so much so that he feels compelled to drive to the nearest DIY shop and purchase some tape. The players are getting impatient as time goes on, someone shouts DOUBLES and everyone scrambles to find a partner. Eddie Brown is once again struggling to find a friend, so like many times over the years, I feel sorry for the lad and team up with him.

The Doubles is short lived as JC appears on the horizon waving a reel of tape and PPW shouts everyone into line. Everybody lines up along the touch line and the 2 captains approach the referee for the toss, I call tails and I win 1st pick. My 1st pick is Michael Brown, a man who I thought would be consistent, strong, fit and a good all rounder, a mistake I would soon live to regret. My second Pick is Steven Candelaria, another massive mistake that would come back to haunt me. John Childs picks Edward Brown, at which point Eddie looks at me with his puppy eyes and starts to cry, the rest of the players hurl abuse at him and he puts on a brave face.

The match itself is an anti climax, very few people perform with the exception of myself, Ross Hunt and maybe Simon Longthorpe. The big name players failed to shine, Luke Parsons is a shell of the footballer he used to be, Steven Candelaria was hoping to hear cries of "It must be the shoes," instead all that could be heard was "It must be he is shit". To be fair to the man he punished himself too harshly for an easy miss and never fully recovered from that point on. Moment of the match came at 5-3, I felt some action was needed so left my goal and decided to play in my natural position of striker, I ran down the wing, laid off a superb header to Weddell who in turn played a mediocre pass back to me, I turn on the edge of the box poised to thump one into the top corner, when I am viciously hacked by some numpty. I place the ball down, unselfishly I decide to let someone else have a piece of glory and decide to cross one in, the ball floats deep and is inch perfect onto Candy's head, he heads across goal to Butler (AKA N.Cage) who blindly manages to connect with the ball and it ends up in the net. The score is 5-4 with 10 minutes to go, we have everything to play for, surely the match is ours now, and maybe, just maybe it would have been had it not been for the horrendous error by Butler who decided he would use his testicles to score an own goal. The man has the biggest arse in the world and you would think just turn the other cheek and clear the ball, instead it finds the smallest part of his body and then his own net. Other outrageous misses were had by Ray Barlow, and for me the clanger of the match should have gone to Kevin Stoyle for having time to set up a tent and a campfire in the same time he had to PLACE the ball in the bottom left corner, instead he blazes over from about 10 yards, words are not enough. They are many other incidents, too many to mention, a superb save was pulled off by myself against a shot that was helped on by a huge gust of wind, the final score finished 7-5 I think and eddie scored at some point, but I think it was too late for anybody to care.

A special mention should go out to Ross Hunt who ran everyone else off the field, his dedication and fight for the ball was unrelenting and the man of the match trophy was truly deserved. The excellence in Ineptitude award was handed to Candy, and although personally he didn't get my vote, there was something quite poignant in the fact he won it.

A special mention should also go out to the many people that organise this event every year and make it such highlight of the year, John Childs for his sandwiches (next year can u just make me some plain cheese without butter please) and bringing nets, Steven Candelaria for bringing everyone together each year and being the only man in contact with all of us. Whoever brought those Lucozade sport things for half time, spot on.

The after match piss up was also a great event, and a special mention should go out to Nick Weddall who was last seen leaving Banks Cafe en-route to Bar Med but never arrived, Tolcher was the man with him, but when asked as to his location, was too pissed to even remember he was out. All in all another memorable day.

I make the last event our 7th anniversary,I think for the 10th we should arrange a week long tour, preferably somewhere like the Caribbean but I am open to options.

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