ReunionFootball.com

The 8th Churston Old Boys Annual Reunion Football Match

Saturday April 10th 2004

Churston Grammar School playing fields (top pitch)

Referee : Mr P. Watts

Result:-

Chilos' Chancers 7 - 6 Fisher's Fuckwits (aet)

Team Line Ups :-

Chilos' Chancers : J. Childs (cpt), M. Brown, S. Longthorpe, K. Stoyle, R. Barlow, J. Boyd, I. Weller, J. Hook, E. Brown, T. Hjelm, A. Morris, D. Connor

Fisher's Fuckwits : C. Fisher (cpt), A. McKay, S. Candelaria, L. Parsons, R. Hunt, P. Tucker, S. Liggins, R. Butler, I. Hicks, N. Weddall, R. Bull, S. Tolcher

Goals : -

Chilos' Chancers : Childs 29, 40 Hook 62, 90 E. Brown 83 Stoyle 87 Hjelm 93

Fisher's Fuckwits : Weddall 10 Candelaria 27, 90 Hicks 43, 45 Liggins 45

Bookings :- None

Sendings Off :- None

Match Report

Right. As some of you were whinging at the pub on Christmas Eve I thought I'd better get round to doing a match report for the 2004 game. Obviously it might not be as in depth as last years effort as it has been about 8 months since the game but anyway...

The day began brightly in South Devon for the 8th Annual Reunion Football Match and the early afternoon kick-off not only afforded the luxury of a lie-in for some of the 'stars' but meant that influential midfield schemer Ross Hunt could fly in from Edinburgh to defend his man-of-the-match trophy. Kevin Stoyle agreed to pick Hunt and Dan Connor up from Exeter but sadly, due to heavy traffic in the Exeter area and Dan 'the pumper' Connor leaving his mobile phone on a bus, they were a little late. Players who had arrived on time started to get restless especially Ray Barlow who selfishly declared that the match should begin without them. Luckily, because it was Ray no-one took any notice of him. An impromptu kickabout started, as it tends to do in these situations, and was most notable for a flying overhead bicycle kick from Simon Liggins that nearly broke the roof of the net and everyone scoring penalties past the hapless Paul Watts.

Before too long, the late arrivals appeared on the horizon, and the players were quickly lined up in front of the usual team captains Colin Fisher and John Childs. As it turned out the respective captains tended to pick the same players that had served them well or badly the previous year. Once again Childs had surpassed himself by shelling out for a full kit for one of the teams to wear that was complete with the Churston Grammar School crest embossed on the front. Luke Parsons had come up trumps by borrowing a full kit for Colin's team to wear and the two teams looked suitably professional as they arranged themselves into formations ahead of the kick-off. The nets were in place, the corner flags were up, the camera was ready to roll and an expectant crowd was ready for the reunion match 2004.

Paul Watts, once again assuming the role of referee, blew his whistle and the game was underway. Court jester Kevin Stoyle set the tone of what was to follow by attempting a shot straight from the kick off. His effort never reached about 2 feet off the ground, went at a 45 degree angle from the goal and travelled about 30 yards. Never mind the quality, feel the comedy. As it has been a long time since the game I am now relying heavily on my memory of the video footage shot by Tom's missus and Nobby. Sadly, I don't have this to hand as John Childs has borrowed it which means that I will probably never see it again... The opening stages consisted of the usual cagey affair with everyone pumped up and neither team wanting to give anything away. The comedy highpoint coming when Edward Brown attempted to bamboozle Ross Hunt with a series of Christiano Ronaldo style stepovers and Ross just watching him before calmly sticking out a foot and taking the ball from the lumbering midfielder with ease.

On 10 minutes the deadlock was broken by Fishers' Fuckwits. A lovely flowing move started with Parsons breaking up an attack before finding Hunt in midfield. Ross took a couple of people out of the game before passing to Simon Liggins who curled a glorious left-footed pass with the outside of his boot into the path of striker Nick Weddall. Weddall outpaced Dan Connor, who was caught napping, before hitting a rather weak, but well placed, shot towards the corner of the goal. Goalkeeper Childs demonstrated a reluctance to dive and get hurt, preferring instead to scamper after the ball like a small child, and the ball nestled in the corner of the net. 1-0 to the Fuckwits. The lead was doubled 17 minutes later following a right wing corner. The ball glanced off Connor's head as he tried to clear, into the path of Candelaria at the far post. The diminutive midfielder controlled the ball on his chest, let it bounce, and then unleashed a right foot volley from about 12 yards that found the corner of the net via the inside of the post. Goalkeeper Kevin Stoyle later claimed that he thought the shot was going wide and otherwise would have saved it. The Punk. 2-0 to the Fuckwits.

However, just 2 minutes later and the Chancers were back in the game. James Boyd took a throw in on the right touchline and found Jon Hook. Referee Watts failed to notice that it was a blatant foul throw and play was allowed to continue. Hook beat a frankly lazy challenge from Candelaria before chipping a glorious cross-field ball that caught the Fuckwits defence square. With Robin Butler napping and goalkeeper Luke Parsons caught in no-mans land, Childs nipped in to loop a header over the stranded Parsons and into the back of the net. 2-1 to the Fuckwits. Thirteen minutes later and Childs once again proved to be an unlikely hero. A Chancers attack down the right hand side culminated in a low cross, possibly from Mike Brown and there was Childs to slide the ball home at the far post to level the scores. At 2-2 and with just 5 minutes to go before the interval it looked as though the teams would head into the break on level terms but a crazy spell saw the Fuckwits score 3 times in the last 2 minutes of the half.

First Ian Hicks scored two goals that no-one but himself can remember, but I'm pretty sure were the result of him running onto hopeful punts forward with the Chancers defence in total disarray. However, it is worth noting at this point that this was a remarkable feat as Hicks was only playing up front as he had been injured earlier in the half. It later transpired after the game that he had in fact torn ligaments in his ankle and should in no way have carried on playing. His willingness to carry on is not only a testament to the spirit of the reunion game but is an example to all the premiership pretty boys who fall over if someone breathes on them. Simon Liggins then compounded the Chancers' misery when he rose to place a trademark downward header past the wrong-footed Connor in the Chancer goal on the stroke of half-time and the Fuckwits had an unlikely 5-2 lead.

The teams trooped off at half-time and once again a wide selection of refreshments had been provided by the ever resourceful Childs. Buoyed no doubt by their half-time rest the Chancers came back fighting in the second half. However, after an hour the score was still 5-2 and it looked as though the Fuckwits had weathered the storm and would hold on for victory. However, on 62 minutes the Chancers were given a glimmer of hope. A right-wing corner from Simon Longthorpe who had been the stand-out player for the entire match, was met by Eddie Brown who was somehow moving at the speed of an express train. His bullet header however, somehow managed to smack the post from almost point blank range rather than crash into the back of the net. The Fuckwits though did not capitalise on their good fortune and only cleared the ball to the edge of their penalty area. Brown still had his head in his hands and the post was still vibrating when Jon Hook turned on the edge of the box and attempted an audacious chip at goal. His effort though was under-hit and should have been a regulation catch for Stephen Tolcher. However, Tolcher inexplicably decided to try and punch the ball over the crossbar but only succeeded in palming the ball into the roof of his own net. This goalkeeping howler not only put the Chancers back in the game but made Tolcher the clear favourite for the wooden spoon award.

However, the lead stayed at 5-3 for the next 20 minutes and with only 7 minutes left it looked as though the Fuckwits had done enough despite not really threatening as an attacking force in the second half. Their best effort had come from a Tolcher 25-yarder that had grazed Connor's post. However, a goalkeeping faux-pas of even bigger proportions was to change the game. Influential midfielder Eddie Brown who had already spurned a couple of glorious opportunities picked up the ball about 40 yards out, and with the defence back-pedalling advanced a few yards before hitting a shot that could best be described as speculative. The ball had been bouncing and as he hit the shot the ball actually ran down his leg producing a very tame effort indeed. However, 'Thicky' Phil Tucker in the Chancers goal totally misjudged the bounce and despite getting both hands on the ball it eluded his grasp, bounced behind him, and rolled into the goal. Luckily the moment was captured on video and will no doubt be replayed time and time again in the coming years. Tolcher breathed a sigh of relief as Tucker would surely now scoop the wooden spoon. 5-4 to the Fuckwits.

The Fuckwits were clinging on now and they looked towards their captain for inspiration. Sadly, their captain was Colin, and he had long lost the respect of his team. Sure enough the equaliser arrived just 3 minutes from full time. Norwegian grafter Thomas Hjelm won the ball in midfield and chipped the ball towards the middle of the box. Amazingly his pass found comedy striker Kevin Stoyle totally unmarked on the penalty spot. The reason he was unmarked became clear however as it seemed he was a country mile offside. The Fuckwits stopped, waiting for the whistle that would surely come from referee Watts. But the whistle never came and Stoyle kippered Candelaria, who was the only defender to react to the situation, before badly skewing a shot off the outside of his right foot that somehow found the corner of the net past Hicks. The Fuckwits surrounded the referee as they felt an injustice had been done. Amazingly though Watts had not been paying any attention to the match and had, as usual, been sharking one of the birds on the touchline instead. Therefore the goal stood and the fuckwits felt very aggrieved indeed. 5-5. It did not emerge until weeks after the game once the video replay had been consulted that it appeared (although not 100 per cent conclusive) that Fuckwits right-back Adam McKay had been playing Stoyle onside after all. Referee Watts had proved himself an unlikely genius.

With just 3 minutes left it was game on, and in the final minute came a goal that was worthy to win any match. The Chancers broke down the right and the ball fell to their captain John Childs. He took a touch, looked up and sent in a precision cross to the far post where Jon Hook leapt like a salmon to head the ball into the top corner of the net. It was an amazing moment, not only for the celebrations that followed where Hook took out cameraman Robjohns, but because Hook had actually risked messing up his carefully prepared Toni & Guy hairstyle by heading the ball. The comeback was complete, 6-5 to the Chancers.

That looked about that for Reunion Match 2004 but once again referee Paul Watts proved to be a controversial figure. Injury time seemed to go on forever and at one point he was even heard to mutter to one of the Fuckwits' team "I'm just going to play on until you equalise". Deep into injury time and the chance came. Ross Hunt down the left eluded the challenge of Hook and slipped the ball through to Candelaria to race onto. However the Mediterranean predator misjudged the pace of the ball and allowed the pass to drift past him without getting it under control. As Connor raced out 'Candy' stuck out a boot and hit the ball towards goal. However, Connor pulled off a magnificent point blank safe. From the resulting scramble the ball fell to Nick Weddall and as Colin Fisher got in his team-mates way he lashed the ball wide from about 10 yards. Surely that was game over?

However, referee Watts showed no signs of blowing his whistle and the Fuckwits continued to pile on the pressure in desperation. With seconds left they won a free-kick on the right wing after Kevin Stoyle was adjudged to have fouled Stephen Tolcher, even though Tolcher had just fallen over for no apparent reason. The Fuckwits piled forward knowing this was their last chance. The clock showed that a full 8 minutes of injury time had been played. Amazingly, Fisher was allowed to take the free-kick and as he ran forward to toe-punt the ball into the box time seemed to move in slow motion. Even more amazingly, his hopeful punt landed right on the forehead of Robin Butler whose downward header fell invitingly into the path of Candelaria. The pint sized forward instinctively hooked the ball on with his right foot and it nestled gloriously in the roof of Dan Connor's net. Candelaria raced towards the corner flag in celebration, Fisher jumped like a girl, and we were to have silver goal extra time.

After briefly explaining to the watching assortment of footballers wives (and Fisher) what 'Silver Goal Extra Time' was the game was quickly re-started. As it transpired the crucial moment occurred just 3 minutes in. Ray Barlow marauding down the right wing and toe-punting a cross in from the byline. Propelled by his steel capped boots the ball reached Thomas Hjelm at the far post who had timed his run to perfection and met the cross with a toe-punt of his own on the half-volley. The ball could have gone just about anywhere but on this occasion it crashed into the corner of the net and the Chancers were 7-6 up.

The rest of extra-time was a blur as the Fuckwits piled on the pressure to force a leveller and in the dying moments following a corner there was an almighty scramble in the Chancers' goalmouth with the ball seemingly cleared off the line about 5 times. But the Chancer defence held firm and seconds later the final whistle blew and they were the deserving winners.

Once again all that remained was for the votes to be counted for the man-of-the-match and wooden spoon awards. In both cases the result was pretty clear cut, with the outstanding Simon Longthorpe scooping the much coveted man-of-the-match trophy and Phillip Tucker, who had actually had a very impressive game and who also came second in the voting for best player, gaining the wooden spoon for his unbelievable goalkeeping blunder. In fact a few people voted for Tucker in both categories.

As usual all that remained was to head out into Torquay to toast triumphs or mull over defeat. A good time was had by most, except temperamental foreigner Candy, who managed to break his mobile phone by dropping it into a pint of beer and then walking all the way home in a huff.

See you all in 2005.

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