Of course we all know that any excursion to the wonderful world of Wal-Mart is an enjoyable experience for all, but even the most exciting location can become monotonous after you’ve visited it three or four times a week since 1986. In the next few minutes I will introduce you to many new and exciting ways to make your next trip to that retail marketing giant the best time you’ve had since watching that "Hee Haw" marathon a few weeks back.

Before you can start, you are going to need to recruit a few friends to help. First, go out and find the biggest, hairiest guy you know and have him put on the fluffiest pink taffeta skirt you can find. Next, go pull your vampire wannabe friend out of his coffin and make him put on his best Marilyn Manson make-up and a trench coat (this should be no problem since he probably slept in them). You will also a six-year-old child. This can be a little brother or sister of one of your friends, but it works better when the kid is just someone you spotted in the parking lot. A video camera is also recommended so you can record all the fun you will be having.

Now you are almost ready to begin, but first the disclaimer: The author of this paper would like to remind you that this is meant purely for entertainment value only and should be read with as much sarcasm and cynicism as it was written. I assume no liability for any lawsuits, bail bonds, court fees, or any other cost or condition caused by being locked up in the county clink. I can not be held responsible for paying any medical bills resulting from food poisoning, e. coli, mad cow disease, or from having to go to the emergency room to get something sewn back on or from any psychiatric help the six-year-old child may need in the future. I will not be accountable for any injuries imposed upon any part of your person, whether self-inflicted or caused by a frightened jewelry department worker with a piercing gun and an itchy trigger finger. If you are stupid enough to try any of the things mentioned in this paper then you deserve whatever happens to you.

Now, let’s get back to the fun!

Start your visit by helping the friendly Wal-Mart greeter greet the incoming customers. They just love it when the friendly Wal-Mart greeters tell them where they can find certain products, so do that. You can get some brownie points by actually telling them where they can find what they need before they ask for it. Some examples are: (while holding nose) "Good afternoon, sir. Deodorant is on aisle three of the hygiene section", "Whoa, lady! Nice make-up! The paint rollers and spackle are back in hardware", or "Hey, that’s a pretty funky hairdo! Hedge clippers are in the gardening section."

After you get tired of that (or get run off by the friendly Wal-Mart security guards) proceed to the lingerie section, where your big hairy friend in the pink skirt can dig and paw through all the frilly underwear. After he has chosen some nice bras and underwear and maybe some teddies or a garter belt or two, have him go into the dressing room to try them on, while you stand outside the door with your hands on your hips and say in your best motherly tone, "Now I want to see those!" or "Does that fit alright in the crotch?" This is an especially good time to have a video camera so you can catch the dressing room attendant’s shocked expression, or your big hairy friend modeling the latest in Wonderbras.

Once you’re done terrorizing that department, head for the little food court, where you have your vampire wannabe friend order a rare hamburger. I suggest saying something along the lines of "Just hand me that slab of raw beef. Yes. Thanks." And then walking away. [See disclaimer]

Now that you have successfully sickened the friendly Wal-Mart food service workers, you and your happy group may now proceed to the electronics department. On the way there, added excitement can be created by having your big hairy friend skip and giggle up and down the aisles, swishing his skirt and saying to anyone he passes "Gee! I just love the way this cute pink skirt feels when I swing it!" (This move can be done at anytime when there is a lapse in the merriment.)

When you reach the electronics department, there are several things you can do which can most effectively be accomplished if you and your friends split up (this also spreads your joy to the entire department, not just one part). Your big hairy friend will go to the computer section, where he will alternate between playing the "Barbie’s Shopping Mall" game and asking other customers to feel his skirt. Send your six-year-old friend to the hard rock section where he or she will listen to a Nine Inch Nails CD through one of the headsets and try to start a mosh pit with all the other customers. Your vampire wannabe friend will go to the section with all the clocks, set all the alarms for the same time, then curl up into the fetal position on the floor and lie there until all the alarms go off, when he will jump up and run around in circles screaming "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!" You will go to the TV section and stand there staring at a blank TV screen, and occasionally laugh hysterically and yell "Man! That Gilligan! What a crazy guy!"

It’s pretty much guaranteed that you will be kicked out of that department after a few minutes of this tomfoolery, so your next stop will be the toy department. Find some kazoos and for the next two and a half hours you and your friends will delight the whole store by playing Handel’s "Messiah" in full four-part harmony.

Since you’re close, I suggest going to the gun department, and having your six-year-old friend go up to the counter and tell the clerk "Gimme the biggest *^@%$* # gun you got!"

After you’re done with that, your last stop will be the jewelry department. Go up to the girl at the counter and ask if you can get a genital piercing. Then drop your pants and bare all. This can be a very dangerous move, so please keep in mind that you are the one standing there exposing yourself to the entire world, and she is the one with the piercing gun (see disclaimer).

I suggest that after this particular exploit, you exit the building as quickly as possible as there are cameras all over in Wal-Mart and there’s a fairly good possibility that one of them caught your moon in the jewelry department. Police, security guards, and large angry men swinging shovels are a given.

Later, after you are a safe distance from Wal-Mart (preferably in a different state) you and your friends can sit down and mull over all the adventure you just had in a place that had been dull and commonplace only a few hours before. Now wasn’t that fun?