[current thought]
[thoughts index]

October 23, 2000

“I can’t remember all the times I’ve tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass”
                                                           -Counting Crows, “A Long December”

To attempt to write a thought about the meaning of life is a very ambitious undertaking. It’s kind of the question that humans have been asking since the beginning of time, and if there were any clear answers, well, we wouldn’t still be searching, right? So I’m not even going to try and address the “big question” here. Instead, this thought is about the choices we make and their consequences.

Some people will argue that we don’t have free will, and so all our choices are pre-ordained by fate. That’s a whole separate issue and I’m not going to get into it here. Suffice to say that I believe in the concept of free will, and maybe I’ll write a future thought on the subject explaining why.

If we have free will, that means that we also have its partner: personal responsibility. That’s right: every choice or decision we make has consequences for which we are solely responsible. No way around that. No way of ducking the blame. I think that this is a good thing, because if people didn’t own up to the consequences of their actions, we’d have a world of finger-pointing and chaos. We almost already do. Precious few people are willing to accept blame for what they do. A majority of criminals in prisons, when surveyed, blamed their current situation on someone else: the police, the prosecutors, their own defense lawyers, their abusive parents, or even the victim of their crimes. More people should be willing to say, “I did it, and whatever reasons or justifications I think I may have, it’s my fault and now I’m willing to accept the consequences.” It probably will never happen, but it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?

So what’s the problem? Well, I personally am an extremely indecisive individual. I avoid big decisions by putting them off as long as possible, and then when the last possible second has arrived, I put them off some more. I decided where to go to cegep the night before applications were due by the toss of a coin. As it turns out, I made the right decision, but I remember agonizing over it for months.

Part of the reason is that I’m scared of what the consequences of my actions will be, so I dislike taking too many chances. As a result, I end up staying with the status quo and missing a lot of opportunities, out of fear.

The other day I just watched one of my favourite movies, Dead Poets Society, for probably the twentieth time, at least. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, the overall message of the movie is Carpe Diem – sieze the day. This theme is hardly unique or original to the movie. Millions of books, poems, songs, quotes, and thinkers have put forth the very same ideas. Life is short, so take advantage and appreciate each moment of each day.

If only it were that easy.

So what holds us back from the freedom of living life to the fullest? Fear of the consequences. All this leads to a state of confusion that I’m currently in about my life in general. I’m currently in a program in school that I’m not even sure if I like. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. So through inertia, I’m staying in this program, simply because I can’t think of anything better. And even if I did think of something that might be better, I’d probably be too scared to take the drastic step of switching. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I can’t go back and it’s too late?

It’s not just school or my lack of direction in terms of a career that’s causing confusion. Every day I’m forced to make many decisions, both big and small. Very often I end up making the wrong one, just for fear of what could happen and because taking a chance involves more effort than playing things safe. As a result, I end up wondering why things are passing me by and why I’m not enjoying life the way I ought to be.

I refuse to believe that I’m the only person who feels this way. I know there must be millions of people who spend their days confused. Knowing that makes me feel a little better, but not much, because to tell the truth, this sucks. If anyone has any advice on how the world can shake its fear of the consequences and live for today, I’m all ears. In the meantime, I guess I’m stuck in a rut. Or maybe I should start believing in fate. At least then, if my decisions turn out bad, I can blame someone or something else other than myself. Hmmmmmm . . .