jokesetc

Here is one that is sad, written by a soldier in Japan:
`anonymous...
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKINGS BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER
ONE COULD SEE SO CLEARLY

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT AND ALONE
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO
WITH THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO DIE AND FIGHT

SOON ROUND THE WORLD
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLDCHRITMAS EVE
IN A LAND SO FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE
I DOPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY

THE SOLDEIR AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;"

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK NIGHT
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA"
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Here are some excuses for being late:
1.) I'm not late, I am just early for tomorrow.
2.) Internal clock was on snooze.
3.) "Be on time?" That's what you'd expect me to do.
4.) Got thoroughly engrossed in an ad.
5.) The universe is expanding.
6.) "Mentally, I was here 20 minutes ago."
7.) Just being fashionable.
8.) Had to stop and smell the roses.
9.) Couldn't find anything to match my socks.
10.) Traffic jam near the art museum.
11.) I thought the 9on my clock was a 6
12.) I thought that it was Sunday
13.) I finally found the place where all my missing socks are!
14.) Ummmm....
15. Spent too much time thinking of an excuses.

=A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... go figure.
=If Fed Ex and UPS were to mere, would they call it Fed UP?
=If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you are ahead?"
=Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
=What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
=I was thinking that women should put picutres of missing husbands on beer cans.
=I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals.
=I thought about how mothers feed their babies with time spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers us. Toothpicks?
=Why do they put pictures of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail.
= How much deeper would the oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
=If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
=Clones are people two.
=If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
=Go ahead and take risks, just be sure that everyting will turn out IK
=If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
=Ever wonder what the speed of lighting would be if it didn't zigzag?
=Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
=Think "Honk" if you are telepathic.
=If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
=If a cow lauged, would mile come out her nose?
=I went for a walk alst night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone, I said the whole time.
=So, what's the speed of dark?
=How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? and who has been dissing them anyhow?
=After eating do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
=Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?
=If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
=I just got skylights put in my house, the people above me are furious.
=Why do they need to sterilize nedles for lethal injections?
=Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
=ISN'T DISNEY WORLD A PEOPLE TRAP OPERATED BY A MOUSE?
=Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
=How come abbreviated is such a long word?
=If is't zero degrees outside today and it's supoosed to be twice as col tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
=Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
=Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Dear Lord:

    Every single evening
    As I'm lying here in bed
    This tiny little prayer
    Keeps running through my head.

    God bless my Mom and dad,
    And other family.
    Keep them warm and safe from harm
    For they're so close to me.

    And God, there is one more thing
    I wish that you could do.
    Hope you don't mind me asking,
    Bless my computer too.

    Now I know that it's not normal
    To bless a mother board,
    But listen just a second
    While I explain to you 'My Lord'.

    You see, that little metal box
    Holds more than odds & ends
    Inside those small compartments
    Rest so many of my FRIENDS.

    I know so much about them
    By the kindness that they give
    And this little scrap of metal
    Takes me in to where they live.

    By faith is how I know them
    Much the same as you
    We share in what life brings us
    And from that our friendship grew.

    Please, take an extra minute
    From your duties up above
    To bless those in my address book
    That's filled with so much love!

    Wherever else this prayer may reach
    To each and every friend,
    Bless each email inbox
    And the person who hits send.

    When you update your heavenly list
    On your own CD-Rom
    Remember each who've said this prayer
    Sent up to God.com.

    Amen.

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they
bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore
at Billy Bob and left..

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas