Armchair Anthropologist Considers "Chris Alsan" 
 
Author: Citizen Ted
Email: hamster@omit.nas.com
Date: 1998/10/06
Forums: alt.tasteless 

The youth of a species represent the only immortality to which
an organism can aspire; the DNA code is amazingly resistant to
deresolution, even across vast periods of time, thus ensuring the
propogation of the essence of one's being. While mutations occur 
under the motivating force of Natural Selection, it is the intention
of reproducing adults to beget an offspring which retains the 
characteristics of the parent(s), ie. "a chip off the old block".

As has been demonstrated for decades, Natural Selection is a
regulating function of species interacting with their environment.
"The fittest shall survive" -- to reproduce. 

Unfortunately, the species to which Armchair Anthropologist is
dedicated -- Homo Sapiens -- have, for millenia, defied Natural
Selection via a construct of collective bargaining for goods and
services and reversing the natural course of defective genes. 
As a result, we find our planet *infested* with billions of
beings who not only devastate their habitat, but who operate under the
ridiculous belief that they are somehow more valuable than the other
species on the planet.

This tragic, anthrocentric worldview has filled our cities
with mental defectives, sports-bar yahoo's and, as we shall see,
self-absorbed, uneducable little twits who should have been strangled
at birth.

After receiving an informative jingle on the ArmAnthro
RedPhone, I set the busy staff to work studying the latest subject,
one "Chris Alsan" (bgodot@eskimo.com).

What we found was a veritable smorgasbord of information which
demonstrates, in no uncertain terms, the utter unfitness of the
subject to continue respirating without immediate rebuke, and if
possible, summary execution, at the hands of a willing defender of
Darwinian values.

Before we delve into the subject's stupefying failures here in
alt.tasteless, let's take a little trip around the world to understand
the background of the subject via dissection of his public posts:

In <6urlam$8au$4@eskinews.eskimo.com>, in a post made to the
newsgroups , the subject wrote:

>WHY IS ALT.FAN.BIFF EMPTY!

A cursory inspection revealed to ArmAnthro language expert T.
Tortaglia:

"In four words, the subject failed to register even a nodding
acquaintance with simple skills in four distinct ways: inability to
understand why certain NG's have low volume, ignorance of the
now-well-dispersed "don't use all caps" meme, cross-posting to
irrelevants NG's and a failure to understand simple punctuation".

Ms. Tortaglia continues:

"The subject is obviously incapable of critical thought. His
inability to master even simplistic rules of language demonstrates an
obvious lack of basic survival skills. I seriously doubt the subject
can even feed himself with a microwave oven and frozen foodstuffs
featuring clearly labeled instructions. He is utterly unfit to
reproduce. I hate him."

With that, Ms. Tortaglia shuttled off to the ArmAnthro cafeteria 
for several rounds of locally-brewed pilsner.

The staff grumpily poured through nearly 510 seperate posts
attributed to the subject. If not for their dogged determination to
commit to research in the name of Science, the job have would have
gone unfinished, and the guttering candle-flame of Science would have
suffered one more threatening whisper of ignorance.    

In the interests of brevity and respect for the readership, I
will refrain from posting here the entire litany of observations and
margin notes made by the staff during their tortuous descent into the
subject's miserable existence. 

I will repost only the conclusions which the staff had about
the subject's posts outside of alt.tasteless:

"The subject's probable IQ and elevation of the evolutionary
ladder are found to be frighteningly low. The numbers varied, but to
an acceptable level of certainty, which was confirmed when we read the
AT posts. It was determined that age should be a dependant factor only
insofar as IQ was concerned, and best estimates put that number within
the range 62-88, as measured by our standardized test (the respected
Vittler-Hurlbutt Test).
 
"The vast bulk of posts consisted of painfully inept and
embarrassingly futile attempts at intrigue, usually packed into one-
or two-line responses which neither illuminate the reader nor uncover
new intellectual ground. 

"The context, however, gives more insight than the actual
ludicrous yammerings contained within. Pesistently engaging in
chatroom-like banter with fellow fresh-faced nincompoops is a solid
indicator of less-than-optimum rhetorical capabilities.

"The subject is, in short, a twit. By all indicators, his
presence in the one forum capable of dissecting, exposing and eating
the very heart of his insipid existence is a klaxon for the immediate,
merciless extinction of this petulant bonobo."

Of course, the staff here at Armchair Anthropologist first
became aware of the subject after his inexplicable surfacing here in
this forum. We were at first puzzled, then dismissive. It was only upon 
closer inspection that we discovered the true depths of the subject's 
simian sensibilities. 

The subject claims an intimate understanding of the simple guidelines 
adhered to by the members of the group:

<6vbmr1$a52$1@eskinews.eskimo.com>
>I make no claim to being the King or Lord of AT, I've just hung out here for
> half decade or so.

Yet, the evidence is clear this is not so:

<6upl0h$6sb$1@eskinews.eskimo.com>
>"happy fellow", like 'gay'?...
> wonder if they found the drivers penis in his mouth.

>Just my two cents worth.

<6sl442$uoe$1@eskinews.eskimo.com>
>anyone here ever stick a baby pacifier up your ass, then give it to a baby?

<6u6jrh$5tk$1@eskinews.eskimo.com>
>Where's the fun if they are already dead when you start?

 <6sl12d$su4$1@eskinews.eskimo.com> 
>Taxidermist.

<61p040$6q6$1@eskinews.eskimo.com>
>I'd try a corkscrew.

<6t6meq$olv$2@eskinews.eskimo.com>
>I hope it's his fourth cousin, while the plane is carrying your familyreunion.

<6tk2p6$a8v$1@eskinews.eskimo.com>
>Prostate-type cancer?

Then, after a horribly banal post which included an attempt to grasp
the simple arithmetic of percentiles:

<6vb1c6$t6m$1@eskinews.eskimo.com>
>Well, I knew/know that, but I was to lazy to whip out 
>a calculator and figure the increasing percentages, I also 
>assumed that the average AT'r would be confused by 
>all those fancy numbers and wouldn't understand it.  I
>also figured that anyone smart enough to understand 
>how it was wrong would also understand what I meant, 
>like you. Obviously if I imparted the
>information well enough for YOU to understand 
>what I ment, so I would guess
>that even a hindi 7-11 clerk could figure it out.
>I have gained a tendancy to assume that everyone 
>else is an idiot and that it's best to lie to them
>to make them comfortable, guess I've been working 
>for Microsoft too long.
        
It becomes obvious at this point that the subject is a Neolithic 
atavist; a clueless, grasping simpleton with hardly two wits
to rub together. His presence in this forum (and on this planet) is an
insult to anyone who conceives a progressive march of human evolution.

Furthermore, the subject has become a painful reminder of that
world outside, festering as it is with hordes of semi-sentient offal
who attempt to pass themselves off as equals.

If Darwin has taught us anything, it is that the health of a
species is determined by its ability to pass on only the genes which
will foster a new generation capable of succeeding in its
environmental niche.
 
Our subject is a glaring example of our failure to pay heed to
this immutable and unsympathetic Law. He represents our collective
unwillingness to sacrifice numbers for quality. His idiotic brayings
are the wake-up call for overt correction of the gene pool.

It is worth noting that the subject did address ArmChair
Anthropologist before the completion of our investigation. It was
decided that the fact the subject is aware of our existence does not
necessarily negate our objectivity during the process of study; it was
determined that so few environmentally advantageous memes find root in
the subject's skull, that we could continue the study with a high
degree of confidence that this awareness would not muddy the findings.

We are, however, compelled to address the comments made, if
for nothing else than to assert our recognition of public discourse.

The subject made the following statement in regards to ArmAnthro's 
resident chairman:

<6vbmr1$a52$1@eskinews.eskimo.com>
>One of the few people who posts posts less on topic, and more boring than mine.

It is thrilling indeed that we here at ArmAnthro can actually
converse with our subjects, while our colleagues in similar fields
must stimulate amoebas and catalog megatherium femurs. Thus, it is with 
great pleasure that I relate the following observation:

You,  sir, are a semi-literate insect of the lowest order. It
is with the tightened muscles of unspeakable disdain with which I slap
your foolish face; you are a clueless, worthless, insignificant
termite in a moldy nest of expendable human waste products. 

There is no excuse for your continued existence, much less
your presence here in this forum. Because of your stupidity and
charmlessness, you have found here no allies and will suffer nothing
but universal reprisal.

It is strongly suggested that you flit on back to your
appointed rounds with your fellow slack-jawed primates. With them, you
may hoot and chatter to your heart's content; in here you will only
find the snapping teeth of Darwinian deliverance.

May you, and everything you stand for, one day become only
digital footnotes in the history of human evolution. You betray all
that it means to be sagacious, winsome and effective.

You are worthy only of being scraped from the bottom of my
boot as I walk in from the rain to my luxurious estate here at the
Manor.

May your failure to reproduce be met with universal joy.

        - TR
        - Chairman, Armchair Anthropologist.

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