TRIALS OF ST TIMMY'S 32
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THE TRIALS AT ST TIMMY'S --
The Continued Saga of Paul Ess's Rehabilitation
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This is episode 32.
On Tue, 30 Jul 1996, Daniel Contreni wrote:
> If I were in your position, I would be going apeshit from
> boredom. I assume the "activities" they put on for the other
> folks there don't entertain you. What do you do when you're
> not 'netting?
Here's a typical day as best I can reconstruct same:
5 am - Awakened by crashing around in the halls, grogans being
blasted off dydees and the dydees being dumped into giant garbage
pails and lids slammed on -- bitch bitch bitch. Snooze until
6:15-6:45 - Med cart nurse comes in for morning fingerstick.
Snooze/watch teevee until
7:15 - Breakfast in bed. When I get out of here I promise I will
NEVER eat a meal in bed again. ARRRGGGHHH!
7:45 - CNA brings water and towels. I wash the top half; he
(hopefully) or she washes the bottom because I need to be careful
about getting irritations started. Any red spot gets immediate
attention and get logged and watched. At home I will be using a
hand mirror in some pretty kinky ways.
8-8:15 - I have slid into my chair and am shaving and starting up
the 'puter. I net from now til sometimes after ten. Play
solitaire on the computer or write Timmy's crap until
12:00 - Lunch
-----All day long I have ceedees going on my ghetto blaster.-----
Today's selections are Virgil Fox: Encores; and Marcel Dupre':
Recital, two historic organ recitals remastered from the 50s New
York performances; also John Tuttle playing Canadian
organist/composer Healy Willan's works on the St Paul's/Toronto
organ for which written; and Bach's Sch"ubler Chorales on a
gorgeous recent Schantz erection in Indianapolis. We organ
queens got it goin' _on_! (Heh heh heh, he said 'erection'.)
12;30 - Net some more; watch Brit comedies on PBS; slum with Opra
and Ricki if nothing better to do. Or go into my .GIF collection
and stare at naked men or morgue shit. A cock and a good fugue
go together well.
4:30 - Afternoon finger stick
5:00 - Supper
5:30 - Net some more / solitaire / whatever
7:30 - 10pm - Watch PBS or fart around on the 'puter
8-8:30 Call for assist getting back in bed. Immediately go for
bedpan cuz I've been holding it until now. Stay on pan up to one
hour to make sure I'm finished. Crack jokes with CNA about
characteristics of my output; refer to bedpan as the offering
plate.
1 am and 3 am - Be awakened by night crew making too much noise,
but that's okay because I usually have to pee anyway. Pee and
hang the pisspot on the rail and ring for them to remove my hot,
steaming brew. Scream at them (I wish) if they fail to rinse my
pussy pitcher cuz it will sit there and smell and the next time I
use it it will make me fragrant as well. Ick.
* * * * *
I'd like to do something con$tructive with my time. I could
maintain spreadsheet files, databases and do text editing if I
knew how to get connected with the job$. I suppose I could learn
HTML and design web pages, but that might require upgrading this
box which I cannot afford at this time. Accepting compen$ation
or the gift of software or hardware upgrades makes a sticky legal
situation. Under the law of the dole, all my income less $35 per
month is to be paid to my caregiver$. I am legally prevented
from being u$eful.
Wednesday breakfast is the Mr Cheez Classic Invitational. Hash.
Glub, I hate hash. Allison brought my Why Bother vitamin pill
quite early today and saw the pile pushed off my plate onto the
tray. She said, What is THAT? I said, They claim it's hash but
it looks more like a dogpile to me. She said, We have four cats
and I like to walk in the basement barefooted -- that looks like
what I stepped in. Allison and I have agreed to call Wednesday
breakfast Cat Hork Surprise.
Yesterday Miss Ralph came to see me. Poor thang comes in here
and hides out from her official duties now and then, and we just
get into deep dish. "She" is sure that Danny, the smarmy
maintenance man, can be Had so long as you let him think your
sucking his dick was his idea. The animal was hanging out on the
steps of Miss Ralph's apartment house and he doesn't know anybody
else in the building yet said he wasn't there to see Miss Ralph.
Oh, sure, and the Pope is Jewish.
The next day Miss Ralph found him out in his workshop and said,
I'd like to borrow your tool -- why don't we have a party in the
boiler room? Danny chickened out. Come to find out Danny's
sidekick has two brothers working here in the kitchen. This
explains who the cute kitchen slaves are Mr Cheez and I have been
cruising.
I am getting sick and tired of waiting on these bureaucrats and
HUD parasites to move me up on the list of ADA-compliant housing.
I asked Miss Ralph to put out some feelers on places I could live
in out here in the fucking weeds. I guess everybody wants to
live in San Fagsissyco or Coketown. They piss and moan about the
congestion and the crime but they don't flee and make room for
me! One of Miss Ralph's friends said, How can you live in
Hayweird and be GAY?
Miss Ralph says there are three tardhives within two blocks of
the downtown commuter train station and that one of them was
renting to normals because they couldn't find enough tards. It
looks like Miss Ralph and I are going to define what it is to
live in the weeds and be GAY. If I cannot live near what I want,
perhaps I can live near enough to the means for getting there.
It isn't like train fare for a tard is going to be a big budget
item. Tards and crips ride for a nickle on the dollar. Too bad
about you upstanding citizens who pay through the nose.
Girlz'n'boyz, I just found MORE brochures! These PT/OT people
are seriously in bed with this institution. These are the
slickest yet--
ST TIMOTHY CONVALESCENT HOSPITAL
NEUROLOGICAL REHABILITATION PROGRAM
The Neurological Rehabilitation Program at St Timothy
Convalescent Hospital offers Skilled Nursing, Post-Acute and Sub-
Acute patients a variety of Facility Rehabilitation Services
including intensive in-patient treatment, on-going assessments
[mainly of your pocketbook], respite care [where busy, grasping
yuppies take a vacation from chasing after doddering Aunt Sarah],
supervised living services [is _that_ what you call being trapped
here?], long-term maintenance services [Glub deliver me!] and
community re-entry services [YES, Jayzuz!]. Our treatment is
individualized to accommodate patients with neurological
impairments [or anything else that will rake the money in]. Our
goal is to restore each individual to the highest level of
functioning and independence and to facilitate a return to
community living [but not until we've bled them all we want].
EXAMPLES OF NEUROLOGICAL CONDITIONS TREATED
[Which one of these wonderful syndromes will reduce _you_ to a
slobbering fool?]
BRAIN CONDITIONS
Cerebral Vascular Diseases (CVAs, Strokes)
Cerebral Hemorrhage
Cerebral Embolism and Thrombosis
Subarachnoid Hemorrhage (aneurysmal,
arterio venous malformation, idiopathic-
cause unknown
Acquired Traumatic Brain Injury
Contusion or Hemorrhage
Laceration
Lesion
[Mugging and Robbery]
[Head through Windshield Syndrome]
[Bad Drug Trip]
Acquired coincident to other forms of
brain injury (i.e. hydrocephalous,
subarachnoid hemorrhage)
Brain Neoplasms
Astrocytomas Grade I & II
Meningiomas
[Embryonic Malformations, Delayed Onset]
Acoustic Neurinomas
Pituitary Adenomas
Congenital Disorders
Cerebral Palsy
[Forceps Delivery Screw-ups]
Hydrocephalous (can also be
acquired)
[Born Messed Up]
Myelomeningocele
Infectious Diseases
Meningitis
Brain Abscesses
Viral Encephalitis
Spinal Cord Injuries
Spinal Cord Tumors
Compression Myelopathies
(pinched spinal cord)
[Auto Wreck Syndrome]
Guillain-Barre
(myelopathic form)
Peripheral Nerve Disorders
Brachial or Lumbar Plexus Injuries
Peripheral Nerve Tumors
Pripheral Neuropathies
Diabetic
Toxic
Guillain-Barre
(polyneuritic form)
Nutritional [?!]
Miscellaneous Conditions
Toxic, Anoxic & Hypoxic Incidents
[Failed Kevorkianism]
Encephalopathies
Degenerative Disorders
Multiple Sclerosis
Parkinson's Disease
Alzheimer's Syndrome
[Old People/Mad Cow Disease]
Amyotropic Lateral Sclerosis
St Timothy Convalescent Hospital
23456 Tardfarm Avenue
Haywierd, California 94567
Phone (510) 555-1212 Fax (510) 555-2368
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ST TIMOTHY CONVALESCENT HOSPITAL
ORTHOPEDIC REHABILITATION PROGRAM
The Orthopedic Rehabilitation Program at St Timothy Convalescent
Hospital specializes in providing a continuum of care for
rehabilitation patients who are in need of high intensity, short-
term treatment, who may be slow to recover, or who are in
transition to an acute rehabilitation unit. [I have no idea what
this gobbledeygook means.]
GOALS FOR PROGRAM
To provide the highest quality and level of rehabilitation
medical care to return the patient home and into the community to
an independent lifestyle [just as soon as their wallet and
insurance policy are empty].
PROGRAM HIGHLIGHTS
Physical, Occupational, and Speech Therapy services offered 7
days a week [if your provider will hold still for it]
Full time Occupational, Physical, and Speech Therapy staff with
extensive experience in comprehensive, coordinated rehabilitation
[where all three get together and argue over who bills how much
for what]
Highly experienced nursing staff [grogans blasted while U wait]
Fully-equipped rehabilitation unit and treatment area [The ERR
had more toys than this place does -- a lot more]
Social work services for individual and family counseling and
discharge planning [This is where Miss Ralph does her thang]
Active recreational therapy and activities programs [You too can
beat on plastic drums with sticks to obnoxious old crumblies
music]
Evaluation of the home setting by a licensed occupational
therapist (as indicated) [Yeah, check out my digs and tell me why
it won't work without a whole lot of tardtoys your company will
be happy to supply]
Interdisciplinary team approach to resident care [where everybody
makes work for everybody else so all can bill bill bill]
Family conferences as part of the individually planned program
[where we listen to you bitch and take our damned sweet time
doing anything]
Home programs designed for the individual [but not if I move out
of the weeds into a real city]
Family and caregiver training prior to discharge [so I can
finally enrich my faithful friends by having them collect $ for
being my companion/helper]
SERVICES OFFERED
Preadmission Assessment [where we decide the health of your
wallet]
Occupational, Physical, & Speech Therapy [we said that]
Nursing Services [we said that too]
Dietary Services [where we show you how to eat stuff you never
even considered less than deadly]
Social Services [been there done that]
Recreational/Activities Program [is there an echo in here?]
Respiratory Therapy [where we stick a great green oxygen tank
next to your bed and pray it doesn't get knocked over and turn
into a Roman candle]
Community Reintegration (as indicated) [when we're quite done
with you -- or disintegration by undertaker if we are]
Home Evaluation (as indicated) [you really want to poke around in
my house, don'tcha]
Orthotics/Bracing Consultation [with the orthotic company who
kicks back the most $ for the recommend]
Medical Director [this must be Ming the Merciful but Sullen]
ADMISSION CRITERIA
Requires daily skilled nursing care; or requires skilled
rehabilitation [We only want you if you're fairly fucked]
Evidences potential for improvement [we leave hopeless tards to
places like The ERR with all their hoses]
Meets Medicare requirements for admission [It's that ole money
thang again]
St Timothy Convalescent Hospital
23456 Tardfarm Avenue
Haywierd, California 94567
Phone (510) 555-1212 Fax (510) 555-2368
* * * * *
The Activities Lady just brought me one of the two Polaroid shots
of Mr Cheez and me on his crotch rocket. (I'm in the side car.)
I'm Joe Cool with my Lennonesque shades. That Yamaha really is a
bitchin' machine. No wonder they all went nuts seeing it from
the dining room.
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