THE TRIALS AT ST TIMMY'S 41
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THE TRIALS AT ST TIMMY'S --
The Continued Saga of Paul Ess's Rehabilitation
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Welcome to episode 41. Here is another unsolicited piece of fan
mail, shared anonymously but with permission:
Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 20:20:05 GMT
From:
To: pauless@rahul.net
Subject: Tardly Tales Appreciated
Unsolicited fan mail from a thirty-something mommy-type but
secretly twisted a.t. lurker who has enjoyed every tasteless
moment of the "Trials". I even grew winsome over the loss of
your lover and having to play at his funeral and the passing of
the old lady who raised so much hell.
*BUT*: I nearly pissed my pants over the Otis/George duking it
out in wheelchairs image. So, in your honor my boss and I have
since started a "Tard Hall of Fame" ... where we work. Observing
the lot that wafts through our doors day in and day out one would
assume our field of membership was Tardness, not Brand XXX
Products. Lots of withered limbs, 70-and-below IQs and missing
digits. Other employees repeatedly tell us we are evil but they
laugh at the shit anyway. They just don't have the cojones
[balls]; the THE TASTELESSNESS needed to appreciate the
Fish-White Underbelly of Life. Now when we see one approaching
the building all we have to do is phone the other and say "THOF",
[Tard Hall of Fame] and the other party is alerted to the
impending tard display. Please allow us the great privilege of
dubbing this the Paul Ess Tard Hall Of Fame.
Just thought you'd like to know what all a.t. has spawned out in
the "real" world, and keep those cards and letters coming...
* * * * *
For a while I thought I would have told it all in 25 chapters.
Then I thought 30 would do it. Now we're up to 41, so I guess
this lady's gonna get her wish. The tastelessness seems not to
run out. Maybe I can wrap it up at 50 episodes.
That should carry us through Christmas and possibly my move to a
tardhive where I don't have a Buzzard across the hall yelling
HELP HELP HELP HELP all afternoon because he thinks they didn't
feed him lunch. Later he'll be all HELP HELP HELP HELP again
because he thinks they didn't feed him dinner. This man is
skinny as a rail -- he's literally a bag of obnoxious bones --
and has the appetite of the small horse. (He also has the
shortest, thickest choad I've ever seen, though the Chink who was
here for a while could hold a contest with him.)
Miss Kooky seriously needs to drag Miss Crunt's ass over here to
the tardfarm so I can see what is reputed to be the most
stunningly awful tard simulation of all time. I hear tell this
queen has the walk, the talk, and the drool down solid. I think
we should bring him in here through the ambulance entrance in a
wheelchair. He can greet the staff by licking his hand and then
holding it out to shake.
Last time I moaned about porking out instead of being porked heh
heh heh heh heh, so I did some analysis. They treat food as
medicine around here instead of cuisine, so I did my own version
of the same thing. I looked up what the American Diabetes
Association considers a good 1500 calorie/day diet and compared
it with what I'm getting. I was astounded at the amount of fat
calories I'm consuming. This includes their margarine on bread
and in the cereal fer Crissakes as well as an estimate of
residual cooking fat in fried foods. It truly is camouflaged if
not outright hidden.
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SCHNELLBECHER, Paul - 215A 1 of 2 1500-Calorie Diet Plan
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MEAL EXCHANGE CHOICE per exchange
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Breakfast 2 Starch/Bread [see luncheon]
1 Fruit 1/2 C fruit
or 1/2 C juice
1 Milk 8 oz low fat milk
or 8 oz yogurt
1 Fat 1 tsp
or 1 bacon strip
Luncheon 1 Starch/Bread 1 slice
or 1/2 C pasta
or 1/2 C corn
or 1/3 C rice
or 1 small potato
2 Meat 1 oz
or 1 egg
1 Vegetable 1/2 C cooked
or 1/2 C juice
1 Fat 1 tsp
Dinner 2 Starch/Bread 1 slice
or 1/2 bun
3 Meat 1 oz
2 Vegetable 1/2 C cooked
or 1/2 C juice
1 Fruit 1/2 C fruit
or 1/2 banana
2 Fat 1 tsp
Snack 1 Starch/Bread 1 slice
1 Milk 8 oz low fat milk
or 8 oz yogurt
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INVENTORY
Bread slice, half bagel, half bun or half cup cereal . . . . . 6
or half cup pasta or corn or third cup rice
One half cup fruit or fruit juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
Eight ounces low fat milk or 8 ounces yogurt . . . . . . . . . 2
One-half teaspoon fat or one bacon slice . . . . . . . . . . . 4
Ounce meat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
One-half cup cooked vegetable or vegetable juice . . . . . . . 3
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SCHNELLBECHER, Paul - 215A 2 of 2 1500-Calorie Diet Plan
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ESTIMATED CURRENT INVENTORY
Breakfast Exchanges
--------- ---------
Toast (3 half slices) 1-1/2 bread
Fat 3 tsp 3 fat
Cereal (cup) 2 bread
Eggs (2) 2 meat
Juice (1/2 cup) 1 fruit
Milk (cup) 1 milk
Lunch Exchanges
----- ---------
Meat (2 oz) 2 meat
Potato (1/2 - 1 cup) 1-2 starch
Fat (if fried) 2-3 fat
Bread (1 slice or roll) 1 bread
Fat 2-3 fat
Vegetable (1/2 cup) 1 Veg
Salad (1/2 cup) 1 Veg
Dessert
fruit (1/2 cup) 1 fruit
cake (slice or piece) 1 bread
1 fat
Dinner Exchanges
------ ---------
Meat (2 oz) 2 meat
Potato (1/2 - 1 cup) 1-2 starch
Fat (if fried) 2-3 fat
Bread (1 slice or roll) 1 bread
Fat 2-3 fat
Vegetable (1/2 cup) 1 Veg
Salad (1/2 cup) 1 Veg
Dessert
fruit (1/2 cup) 1 fruit
cake (slice or piece) 1 bread
1 fat
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SUMMATION PRESENT 1500 CAL
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Breads and starches . . . . . . . . . 9.5-11.5 6
Fat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13-17 4
Meat (including eggs) . . . . . . . . 6 5
Fruit (including bananas) . . . . . . 3 2
Milk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 2
Vegetables . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2-4 3
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arch9607:diet0902
There's enough fat in my daily diet to squeeze out of a Double
Whopper and onion rings. Frankly, I prefer the Whopper. We're
going to fix this. Such an amount of fat in a medically-
supervised diet for anyone is atrocious. I cannot make these
people understand that fat intake is as important to consider as
sugar intake by a diabetic. With so many old people here, the
fat content ought to be considered for them because they neither
sow, sew, reap nor rip and don't need the calories. And they
damn sure don't need the implied cholesterol.
I have the unpleasant duty to announce that the Hippocratic Oath
which begins "First, do no harm" has been replaced with the
Hypocritic Oath which begins "First, take the money".
Monsewer Jean woke up at five o'clock this morning and laid on
that buzzer like it was going out of style which we all wish it
would. He wanted water. The man has a pathological thirst and
is not an uncontrolled diabetic. He'd pissed up the bed quite
thoroughly, per usual. I guess he wanted to reload his choad.
They rolled him around on the bed to change it -- and him -- and
he's all LEAVE ME ALONE GODAMMIT! -- GODAMMIT LAY OFF YOU
SONOFABITCH!
Methinks he's learning bad words from The Buzzard. Nursey told
me he had one leg drawn up so far his knee was behind his ear.
Now that I think about it, if he drew up the proper leg and I
stood on mine, I'd be able to avail myself of his datehole.
Maybe not ... the next thing he demanded was prune juice! I
don't want to bang my choadlet into rocks and make it any
smaller. He ruined our morning and had both me and George
screaming at him to JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP. Nursey was so nervous
after being called fifteen different kinds of bitch that she
dropped my brekkie tray.
Now he's over there cussing out the X-ray tech. They're breaking
his back (probably by putting a film cassette under him). Good.
NO NO NO NO NO NO MY BACK MY LEG he's carrying on. Why do I have
a sly grin on my face? Ooooo, the X-ray tech just left. What a
cutie. Queen Bee told me to be on the lookout for him. Hey,
sonny, c'mere an' show me yer bone...
The newsgroup alt.handicap is nearly as tasteless as -- guess
what! -- a.t. There's a discussion going on about how to gear up
a powered wheelchair. Some will go six to ten miles per hour
without modification and here are some macho crips who want them
to go faster. They also warn about using a cellular telephone
while enroute someplace. Seems the phone's transmissions can
interefere with the control electronics and cause the chair to go
out of control.
One of my anonymous fans is a paraphlegic who requires the
constant non-comfort of an indwelling catheter. At night he
hangs the pissbag over the edge of the bed, taking care not to
kink the hose. His cat has taken to sleeping on the bag,
probably for the warmth. Gee, a waterbed for pussy!
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