Yee Haw Pardner
Don't be offended....they're just jokes!
YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ...
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin
Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit"
was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of
ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are
you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!"
"HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're
a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on
the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to
help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made
it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the
4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting
on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you
only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your
truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left
arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one
what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
about is if you can loose them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
make love
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get
grandma a new plug of tobacco
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against
it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of
the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your
home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a
hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas
in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at
the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got
the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing
"I Will Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is
a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...
you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
(Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with
Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
154. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much
gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom
was flooded.
156. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
157. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
158. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets
light.
159. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the
tractor.
- Hillbilly Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Hillbilly Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
- Hillbilly Entertaining in Your Home -
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
- Hillbilly Dating (Outside the Family) -
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
- Hillbilly Theater Etiquette -
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
- Hillbilly Wedding Etiquette -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Hillbilly Etiquette for All Occasions -
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
A Redneck Story
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cletus, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Cletus. It's a poll-eece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," said Cletus. "We'll just pull over and finish a-drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Cletus.
When they finished their beers, they threw the empty bottles under the seat,and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Cletus. "We're on the patch."
What do you get when you have 32 people from Arkansas in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
Sweet Home Arkansas - A collection of Arkansas humor
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
What do a Divorce in Arkansas, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.
Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone there has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the Governor's Mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
Two Arkansas people are walking down different ends of a street toward each other. One is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "HeyTommy say, whatcha got in the bag?" "Just some chickens." "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?" "Hell, l'll give you both of them!" "OK. uummmm......five?"
An Arkansas man came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!!"
"OK", replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
The Arkansas man and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
An Arkansas hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The Arkansas man noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said, "They're to hold my balls when I drive." "Boy," exclaimed the Arkansasan, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?"
In Arkansas,legislation raised the drinking age to 38 years. They are trying to keep alcohol out of the public schools
The Hillbilly Drivers License Application
Last name: ________________________
First Name (Check appropriate box)
Male Female
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Jim-Bob [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Bobby-Ray [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Mary-Beth
[_] Earl [_] Wanda
[_] Joe-Bob [_] Nadine
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Tammy-Faye
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right ____N/A
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Worker's Comp
Spouse's Name: __________________________
1st Ex-Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Ex-Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living with relatives: ___
Total number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: (Circle highest grade completed) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still start
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms - Where you keep them:
____ in truck ____ in kitchen
____ in bedroom ____ in bathroom
Model and year of your pickup: [_] Chevy 197_ [_] Ford 197_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No (If no, please explain):___________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Weekly World News
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Field and Stream [_] Guns and Ammo
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? [_] 1-3 [_] 4-9 [_] 10 or more
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Type of tobacco you prefer:
[_] Chewing Tobacco
[_] Snuff (Dip)
[_] Cigarettes
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1-4 Miles
[_] 5 or more miles
[_] N/A
Tickets/Accidents in past 5 years:
[_] No tickets, No Accidents
[_] 3 tickets or less, No Accidents
[_] 4 or more tickets, No Accidents
[_] No tickets, 1 Girl and 2 Boys
Do you have any goods jokes to share? Please send them to me, and I will give you credit for them!
