Scene 09: She Said: "E-Mail My Ass!"
Day. Inside Britney's underground dungeon.
[Team A, led by Stan, took the left and arrived at one corner of Britney's underground dungeon.]
Stan [contemplating]
So this is Barfney's underground dungeon......
Kyle [in amazement]
Wow! This looks like it came out of Tomb Raider!
Kenny
/* But I can't see Lara Croft anywhere! */
Cartman [punches Kenny in the head]
Lara Croft's old, shithead! Starcraft is the future!
[Before Kenny can hit Cartman back, three gun-toting, shirtless sentries whose chests are spray-painted with the words "I LOVE BRITNEY" attack Team A. Their eyes are yellow, just like anyone whom Britney brainwashed. They utter zombified and robotic insults to Team A while aiming their machine guns at them.]
Sentry A
YOU STUPID LITTLE F**KS......
Sentry B
YOUR JELOUS OF BRITTANY! SHE IZ SO HOTTTT! I AM ASKING HER TO BE MY PROM DATE AND YOUR NOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Sentry C
GO SUCK YOUR MOMMY'S D**K IN HELL!
[The sentries open fire at Team A, but Team A's bulletproof vests protect them.]
Kenny
/* We're not going to hell! We have bulletproof vests! */
Kyle
"Mommy's d**ks", huh? Those guys obviously haven't paid attention during biology class......
Stan [stares knowingly at Kyle, and then the others]
Let's give 'em a review, should we?
[Team A walks up to the sentries and proceeds to clobber them silly in their nether regions.]
// SLAM! SMASH! SNAP! BANG! //
Kenny
/* That'll teach them where their d**ks were supposed to be! */
[The sentries slowly return to their senses.]
Sentry A [still reeling from Team A's assault]
Whoa......[looks down at his bare chest, with "I LOVE BRITNEY" written on it] Good God, what have I done!? [his expression distorts because of his overwhelming shock] I actually IDOLIZED Barfney Pap Smear!
Cartman
Ah-ha! So we knocked some sense into ya. Any tips on how to beat Ganondork?
Sentry B [slightly miffed]
You're a crude kid. [pause] Just let your anger all out. Like this. [Sentry B's stomach begins to fill up, supposedly with "anger". Then he "lets it all out" with an hot, naked flame from his ass. // VROOOOOM! //] That's the Flaming Fart, fatty. You can beat a lot of Barfney's monsters with it.
Cartman [furious]
I'M NOT FAT, I'M BIG BONED!!!!!! [Cartman's rage prompted him to fill up with anger, which is released in the form of another Flaming Fart. // VROOOOOOOOOOOM! //]
Sentry C
Feeling feisty, eh? I have some advice for you. Don't go near Melissa the witch. She'll sing "E-Mail My Heart" and by the time she stops, you'll explode!
Stan
Hey, thanks a—
[The sentries bolted before Stan can finish thanking them.]
Stan [continuing to lead the way]
If I were them I'd get outta here pronto, too. [He turns to Cartman.] So Cartman, what's up with "Ganondork"? The name's "Barfney"!
Cartman [irritated]
I like it. Got a problem with that? [He turns to Kyle, who is constantly looking over his shoulder in another direction.] Kyle? Earth to Kyle!
Kyle [turns to Cartman]
What!? [He remembers what was it that got him so dazed] I think someone's following us......some girl with fake hair extensions like Barfney, wearing a long sleeveless pink dress.....
Kenny
/* You're just seeing things, Kyle. */
[Just as Kenny finished speaking, the girl that Kyle had described appeared again.]
Mysterious Girl
Important document from Britney Spears......
Stan [dismissive]
Yeah, yeah, she always thinks she's soooooooo important.
Mysterious Girl
Here is that document you asked for...don't show anyone else ;-)
[The girl starts singing. It is "E-Mail My Heart". Make no mistake, standing in front of Team A is Melissa the witch.]
Melissa [sings]
Its been hours seems like days
Since you went away
And all I do is check the screen
To see if you're okay......
[Each member of Team A starts to feel bloating from his stomach. The bloating gets worse and worse.]
Kenny [in agony]
/* S......someone get the damn Pepto-Bismol! */
Kyle [echoing Kenny]
Do something fast, guys—we're gonna explode as soon as she finishes this shit!
Melissa [sings, not caring about Team A's torment]
I'm sorry
Oh so sorry
Can't you give me one more chance
To make it all up to you......
Stan [struggling]
Got any ideas, fat-ass?
Cartman [enraged]
Just because you're team captain that doesn't mean you can call me fat-ass! [An idea flashes through his
head.] Wait a sec......those crazy guys taught me something...... [Cartman gathers all of his anger, ready to
attack.]
Melissa [continues to sing insipidly]
Forever......e-mail my—
[Her singing is cut off.]
Cartman [with a completely red face and bloated stomach]
ASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! [Cartman farts an incinerating flame right in Melissa's face. // VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! // Melissa
explodes into little bits. She leaves over a mouse-like object. Kyle picks it up.]
Kyle
Hey, Stan, what's that thing?
Stan [to Kyle]
It looks like a Bombchu to me. You can try firing it. [In a
congratulatory tone, to Cartman] That fart was nice, Cartman. You ARE good for something after all.
Cartman [panting from his powerful Flaming Fart attack]
I AM good. In fact, I'm so good that I would've been team captain if not for you sucking up to Lauryn.
Stan [glares at Cartman]
I DID NOT suck up to her, pigwad!
Cartman [counters]
Did too!
Stan [retorts]
Did not!
[Stan and Cartman continue to argue until Kyle finds a semi-cracked wall.]
Kyle
Guys! Stop arguing! I think there's something in there![Remembering what Stan said about the mouse-like object, Kyle takes it
out and tries firing it at the wall. The semi-cracked wall explodes, revealing a room with four treasure chests.]
Get in, guys! Treasure for the taking!
[Team A stampedes into the treasure chest room. There are four chests. Each member of Team A takes something from a chest.]
Stan [holding a drill-like object]
Cool! I got the Cerebral Bore! Now I can drill Barfney's brains out! [He suddenly face-faults.] Oops, I forgot that Barfney DOES NOT have any brains......
Kenny [holding a chain with a spiked ball attached to it]
/* And I have the Death Chain! Giddy up, Barfney, 'cause I'll whip you baby one more time! */
Kyle & Cartman [huge sweatdrops over their foreheads]
Oh you lucky f**ks......we only have Bombchus......
[Team A exits the treasure chest room only to find a sea-slug blob waiting for them.]
Kyle
What's that thing, Stan?
Stan
A Like-Like.
Cartman
They, like, act, like, like, like, their, like, master, like, Ganondork, like?
Stan
NO! They LIKE eating shields, they LIKE eating tunics, and—
[The Like-Like suddenly engulfs Stan, then it spits him back out. Stan is now without his bulletproof vest.]
Stan [breathing heavily]
And......bulletproof......vests......
Kyle [hollering at his fellow group members]
Stay back from the Like-Like!
Kenny
/* Gladly! */ [Kenny moves back. Then, without warning, he takes out his Death Chain and starts whipping it at the Like-Like.] /* Take THIS! */ [He whips
the Like-Like over and over again until it disintegrates into a puddle. Stan retrieves his bulletproof vest, which was left over when the Like-Like was defeated.]
[Team A moves on in the dungeon again, fighting more enemies along the way. They arrive at a cell with a prisoner inside. The prisoner has black hair and wears a red-and-white hat, jacket, T-shirt and jeans.]
Prisoner
Hey......you rescuing the prisoners?
Stan
Of course! That Barfney girl traps people in dumpsters. Wouldn't want to let THAT happen to you. [Kyle releases the restraints on the prisoner]
Prisoner
Thanks!
Cartman [notices that the prisoner is twice as tall as him]
You're a pretty tall guy; you're not from South Park, right?
Prisoner
No; I'm from Pallet Town. [A sweatdrop appears on Cartman's head because he hasn't heard of a place called "Pallet Town". The prisoner stands up.] By the way, my name is Ash Ketchum. I was looking for a place to stay after catching some Pokémon, and I went to South Park—
Kenny
/* You're catching some Pac-men? That doesn't make sense. How can you catch Pac-men? */
Stan
It's POKéMON, not Pac-men! That's OK though; I don't expect you to know about Pokémon.
Kenny
/* You think I don't know Pokémon just because I'm poor? I was just pulling Ash's leg! Right, Ash? */
Ash [shoots a dirty look at Kenny]
Very funny......anyways, I bumped into Britney Spears; she talked mean to me, stole my pet, Pikachu, and threw me into
this dungeon! I also heard that she took a baby from South Park that looks like a football and used him as sporting equipment! [There are dribbling
sounds from above the ground.] Hear that? That's her playing basketball with the baby.
Kyle [flushed with shock and anger]
Ohmigod! That's my brother Ike! The bitchwad has gone too far! [He takes out a Bombchu.]
Ash [notices Kyle's Bombchu]
Say, what's that mouse thingie that you have?
Kyle [still enraged]
A bomb, Ash. If only I had a lot of them so I can blow Barfney up!
Ash [takes something out of his knapsack]
Then take this. ["This" is a weird contraption with an empty slot and a series of buttons.] It's a cloning device that you can use
to make copies of the bombs that you have. Just put your bomb into the slot and press the number of bombs that you want.
[Kyle presses "100" on the numeric keypad on the cloning device. Suddenly, a steady stream of Bombchus emerged. They all explode on contact with Ash.]
// KABOOOOOOOOOM! //
Ash [completely burned]
That...device......works......buddy......
[Meanwhile, Stan turns on his communicator, trying to talk to Lauryn.]
Stan [speaking into the communicator]
Luke, Han Solo here. Do you read me?
Lauryn [appears on the screen, rolling her eyes]
That's Skywalker to you, buster.
Stan
So you DO read me, Skywalker. How's the your side doing?
Lauryn
Getting closer and closer to the Death Star and rescued some prisoners. Darth Vader's too
busy frolicking with her cousin to notice.
Wendy [off-screen]
Hey! A Melissa!
Lauryn
Oops, can't talk for long. Your girlfriend just spotted a TIE Interceptor. May the
Force be with you!
Stan
And also with you!
[Lauryn hangs up. The action now switches to Team B, with Lauryn (team captain), Wendy and Chef.]
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Evil Rebirth is written by Miseducation on March 18, 1999.
South Park & characters ©1999 Comedy Central.
The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time & characters ©1998 Nintendo.