Star Gazing

Note - I wrote this way back in '98. I don't bother to go back and edit this story and the only reason I've kept it up on the page, is just 'cause i like it. Isn't that reason enough?

Part one.

The sound of sniffling, blowing noses and crying children echoed in my ears. The setting was too much, I had to get out. Dusting off my pants I walked out of the hospital waiting room and down the corridor. My legs were moving automatically, and I had just turned right... or was that left? I didn't care, I didn't care at all. Nothing mattered. My father was lying in this hospital waiting for his time to come. His time... why did he have to die? Cancer! It wasn't his fault he had cancer... a teenage boy smoking... back in those days it was expectable! I hated this. It just wasn't fair.

I realised the corridor made a complete circle and I was back where I started from. Sighing I was going to walk around again but my Mum's name was called. Expecting it was news on my father, I listened closely. Trying not to be to obvious that I was listening in on their conversation, I kept my distance. I heard the doctor mumble the words; husband dying last moments visit. That was all I needed to know. I bolted up to the direction of his room. Despite my pleas the doctor took my hand and said, "Your mother will want to be alone in there with him. You may talk later."

I nearly chucked a tantrum. Muttering, "What if it's too late...", I returned to the waiting room... disappointed. The frustrating noises came back again... crying... sniffling...! The clock in the waiting room ticked ever so slowly! To pass time I tried counting the tiles on the floor. It was to that extreme! After what seemed like a few decades, my mother came out, saying that my elder sister Mira (pronounced Mirror not Myra) and I could see him together. My sister led the way into my father's room.

As soon as I walked in the door, I felt alone.....so alone. I felt sorrow and pain. He had drips on his body and was looking very pale and ill coloured. My sister was the first to talk to him. She insisted that I waited in the corner of the room because she didn't want me to listen in....as I had done before. Walking into the furthermost corner of the room, I could hear nothing but the sound of my fathers medical machine... "Beep ... beep ... beep ... beep ... beep." The hospital smelt funny... but who was I to complain.

About ten minutes later my sister walked out of the room, normally. Not crying, not even showing a hint of sadness. I knew it was my turn to say goodbye. I approached his angled bed cautiously. It was then when reality struck me! This was no game, it was as real as it could get. I thought of my foolishness earlier...about how I wanted to talk to him first...about how I thought this wasn't so bad because I was able to miss out on school....about how I begged my mother to get Mac Donald's on the way to the hospital. THIS WAS REAL! I started to feel really embarrassed and I nearly forgot that this would be my last few moments with my father. Shaking off my immaturity and sadness, I needed to be strong...if only it was for him.

Taking his hand gently in mine, I looked into his eyes. He laid on his bed while I sat. We stared at each other. Well I would've said something but I couldn't think what. In a situation like this, what should you say?

Another two minutes passed and his eyes began to droop. NO! Get up! Dad, stop it!! Bloody hell, this isn't any time to take a nap!

Although I was thinking an awful lot, I hadn't said a word. He was the one to speak.

"I love you and I will always. Keep your eye on your sister at all times for me...well except when she needs to pee or shower." I smiled and nodded... my dad could still attempt a joke even at a time like this. I squeezed his hand and leant down to kiss it. He then whispered, "Watch her for me."

Suddenly, "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" I swallowed and cautiously looked up to see his beautiful eyes, closed. I held his hand back up to my face and cried. Then these two nurses came in and covered him with his bed sheet. My father's loving face... I would never see it again...

****

(Three weeks later)
The ceiling... not something that was particularly interesting... so why have I been looking at it, every waking moment. My sister frowned, "Get off your bum! Stop being so lazy."

"LAZY?!! sheesh Mira just because I'm more sensitive than you!" It was true that I was being lazy, despite the fact I was still disturbed about my father. On the other hand, my sister didn't even grieve one day about him. I would know since we share a room and every night when I find it hard to sleep, I can hear her softly snoring away.

Mira continued as if I hadn't said anything, "You know you shouldn't spend so much time worrying about Dad because it was his own fault for smoking. He was the stupid one, he deserved it." She said it in a snobby voice, like a villian in a terrible soapy.

Her remark fumed me. Astonished that she would even say something as thoughtless as that, I spat out, "You are wrong! WRONG! He didn't deserve to die, nobody deserves to die!... And he was not stupid. What the hell are you talking about? You're talking pure crap... You know what Mira? You are the stupid one to even think that! And just because he smoked, you think he deserved to die. You... you're a... you sicken me you stupid, selfish bitch." I was really wound up now. If I were a cartoon character, steam would've filled the room.

"Don't call me that," Mira said calmly.

"Why bloody well not??!!" I continued, "Oh right so ou can just call your own father, your own father, Mira! You can call your own father names and no one can do that to you... I'm right aren't I? You're pathetic Mira!"

I knew I had hurt her pride, but I didn't think it'd be enough for her to slap me. I just couldn't believe she had done that and I was about to fume again but I realised she wasn't finished with me. She pushed me off my bed and against my cupboard hard enough for me to really feel the handles of the doors.

I didn't think she was game to do anything else to me so I stared rudely into her eyes. I thought she was just trying to scare me. Of course it was half working but I wouldn't give her the amusement to know it.

Mira slapped me again. This time it really stung. She practically threw her hands at me punching me everywhere at once. Or so it seemed because I was aching all over already. If my sister wanted to hurt me there was really nothing I could do. Despite the fact that she was older, her build was stronger though she wasn't fat or even near fat. I on the other hand was fragile and skinny...not slim, bony! Just for the record, I'm short as well.

So in my case, I couldn't really hit back. The only thing I could do was shield my face. I didn't believe my sister had this much strength ever before, but now I did.

Why was she even hitting me? Stop, stop her Carrie!

She stopped herself after a few minutes and I thought my punishment was over. But...no, she then grabbed my nose, twisted it and pulled me across our room. I could feel my nose starting to bleed. Then, she started hitting me all over again with her new found strength. Chanting, "Don't ever talk back to me, don't ever talk back to me, don't ever talk back to me, don't ever talk back to me," she continued my torture. By now my legs were jelly and I slid to the ground.

I never knew Mira could be ticked off so easily!

Unfortunately for me, my sister was wearing thick heels so when I slid down, her last injuring contact with my body was a hard and - might I add - painful kick. With that, she left the room shouting back at me "Don't ever talk back to me!!!"

I was afraid she might come back so I scrunched my body up into a ball. Lucky for me, I heard the door slam... then, silence. The silence was pure music to my ears. She was gone, I was safe. At least, for the while.

I sat there thinking... a scared, helpless and wounded girl. I didn't shift my position for practically the rest of the day. My arms sheilded my face like a protective cocoon.

My sister, she hit me. I couldn't believe it. She hit me and... she hit me with strength.

I wanted to see how bad my wounds were so for the first time in hours I stood. I looked down.

There were bruises and blood and scratches. I walked to the bathroom mirror. My face wasn't that bad....a few scratches that was all. It was what I expected too because I protected my head with my arms.

MY ARMS! It didn't really hurt but they looked terrible. Being the part of my body that copped most of the damage I thought they'd be the worst injured. Even me being prepared for a shock, I was still surprised. There were large amounts of dried blood oh my fore-arms and massive purple bruises near my shoulders.

If my sister was only 13 and could do so much damage, what would happen when her age progressed. I was scared for my life! What would I do when she came back home? What should I say to her?... then I remembered her words, "Don't ever talk back to me!"

****

"Bring bring..... bring bring..... bring bring.... bring bring....." I didn't bother answering the phone because it was always for Mira.

At that precise moment, my sister, Mira, ran down the stairs and picked up the phone, cheerfully. "Hello?... oh hi Laura!!! yes... yes... oh my god!!! he asked you out?... you are sooo lucky to have that lush bucket in the palm of your hand... but what about David?... oooh you bad girl you!... hahahaha yeah I know, he's soooo totally thick sometimes..." It was only the beginning of the daily, hourly-lasting phone call!

I realised I was sitting in front of a television which wasn't even on. Joy. I wanted to go out and have fun, not watch a blank TV screen!

But I couldn't, I had to keep an eye on my sister, if only it was for my Dad. His last request... I'd try my very hardest to fulfil it! I never talked to Mira, but, I watched her like a hawk. I couldn't talk to her!!! It's freaky! That I'm so brain washed from one experience and I can't even talk around her any more.

Her chanting of "Don't you ever talk back to me..." had left a permanent scar in my conscience. Because, I couldn't talk around her and we were always near (because I wouldn't go away) I hardly ever talked.

Mira hated this! How I would never give her privacy and how I would follow her everywhere... but I had to. If I didn't I would feel like a betrayer, concerning my father and his last plea.

My eyes were drooping but I fought to keep awake... because if I fell asleep both eyes would be closed meaning I couldn't watch my sister. I started day-dreaming. Escaping to my own creative world. I don't admit to many things but I really do have a great imagination.

I didn't feel like thinking about fantasy today. It seemed a too serious day to think about good things when I was surrounded with so many problems. I let my mind wonder back to when I had stopped talking to my sister, and started following her like a lost cat.

Mira, here, was a innocent looking, pretty, honest, intelligent, well-mannered, 'clean' girl... how could anybody doubt that? Without going into depths about her personality, anyone and everyone would say she's practically a human angel! Well, she practically is... but don't angels have a perfect history?

We were like little bow peep and her sheep. I was the sheep. I followed her to school but since we attended the same school that wasn't really the unusual part. It was the fact I wouldn't leave her during my classes. I would go to HER classes with her... Due to this, we had to be tutored at home. My mother had to pay for a tutor who would teach us ...together...!

I felt really bad about this because without my father, we were kind of scraping for money. We would survive for sure because of his insurance but my mum didn't like to use that money.

I hate to admit it, but I keep questioning myself if I am doing the correct thing. I wished my father had been more specific with his last words. I know that makes me sound really selfish and all, but I couldn't help thinking...

My sister and I looked quite different. As I said earlier, she had the innocent and honest, pretty but not artificial-looking, type of face. Her hair was a soft brown with natural redish highlights, that was shoulder length and curled in at to her neck. She was a slim build but very atheletic. Intelligence was abundant. Friends came flooding to her, she didn't even have to try. So many boys came begging... it was sickening!

I on the other hand am practically the complete opposite. My face is generally a pretty shape but my eyes spoil it. They are grey! It always makes a sad look over come my expression. At the same time, I always looked evil! I absolutely hated my them. How can ones' eyes be such a stunning feature and the next persons' be so depressing. Most of the time, I was seen with dark sunnies to hide my eyes.

I had limp blond hair. It was boring! It was plain! It was nothing compared to Mira's! I don't have much at all when you compare me to my sister.

I left the sitting room and out of hearing range from my sister's conversation. Walking into our bedroom I looked around. All over the walls were posters of Hanson. Big, small, medium! You name it, we've got it on our walls. I didn't particularly like Hanson but I couldn't stand up to her. I wasn't gonna put myself on the toll again just to get my choice of posters upon the wall.

Just then I heard an ear piercing shriek. It was Mira! Afraid something happened to her I ran back out of our room. I was frightened something bad occured while I wasn't watching her, while I wasn't taking care! Lucky for me she was still on the phone chirping away very happily. I wondered what's up with her...? I was studying her to find the cause for my sister, to scream like that.

Her hair was bouncing up and down in conjunction with her grin from ear to ear. I was absolutely stoked as to why she would scream a terrible scream like that. Mira saw me looking, told her friend to hold on and hissed at me.

"You gotta problem??... piss off Carrie! Just because you don't have a social life..." She resumed talking to her friend.

Yep, my name is Carrie, pronounced ka-ree (a for apple), not kerri or kerry. (*A.N There was no need to know, so I didn't mention my name earlier. But, sorry for the late notice*).

****

Yawning, I stretched and snuggled back under my covers. It was so warm and I didn't want to get out of bed. I had nothing to worry about because Mira was still sleeping. I wondered what time it was. There was no tutoring today therefore no good reason to awake early.

I wondered why I was like I was. Why I tortured my sister. Why I was like this. Why I wasn't normal? People thought I was dumb and that I COULDN'T talk. That was far from the truth.

I had a love for singing but I was a terrible singer. Since I hardly talked - only when my sister wasn't around, which wasn't often - my voice is hoarse. I rarely sang on key and my voice isn't powerful nor soft and sweet. How can you be so bad at something you love, I wondered.

Our bedroom door creaked opened and interrupted my rhetorical questions. I peeked through my half opened, left eye. I was shocked. It was Mira. Was I seeing double? I looked back at her bed, more closely this time. I saw that it was only Mira's puffy pillow and not her.

Mira grabbed her wallet and left the room. I knew her plan. She was pretending to be still asleep and wanted to leave the house without me. Heh heh you'll have to try harder than that, missy. In order to catch up with her I had to sprint. I quickly brushed my teeth and changed into shorts and a tee. Grabbing my dark sunnies, I left the room. Fortunately for me, Mira had not left yet. She was slurping the last of her porridge. As soon as she saw me she sighed over-dramatically. She looked exasperated then angry.

I could always read my sister's eyes and know what she was thinking. No, I didn't have a sixth sense, she was just predictable and showed her emotions dramatically. She practically slammed her bowl and spoon in the sink - I was surprised the porcelain didn't break - and said, "You're not coming this time!!" I didn't move, she knew that no matter what, I was going to go. She kept trying to persuade - or rather threaten - me not to go. "You're not gonna follow me, OR ELSE!"

Mira was trying to scare me, and she was doing a damned good job! Of course I wasn't gonna let my fear show. I was not the type. She lifted her fist slowly. I really thought she was going to hit me. Just as I was going to sheild my face, with my hands, Mira muttered, "I don't have time for such games." She dropped her hand and walked off in a huff.

Of course I followed. Out the door and down our drive way. Then across our front lawn, and there we waited at the bus stop.

My stomach started growling, and I wished I'd picked up an apple or something, before we left. Think about something Carrie, think think think! If I could occupy my mind with something... interesting, I would probably forget the fact that I could eat a horse.

The bus didn't come for another thirty minutes. So much for the bus timetable! We climbed on and it was then that I realised I'd forgotten to bring my wallet. Desperately shoving my hands into my pocket I fortunately found a ten dollar note! Phew that was a close shave!

I handed him the note after Mira and got the change. Too bad it was all in small coins because my shorts were bulging! Let me tell you, it didn't look too good, heh heh.

While observing the passing scenery, I wondered where the ten bucks came from. I sure didn't put it there on purpose... hrm, interesting... hrm, spooky... hrm, just my luck!

I didn't bother start suggesting in the midst of my mind where we might be going. I didn't care, to be truthful. It was probably to the mall.. or something!

I saw the houses and front yards whizz past. Mira began to hum a tune. I recognised it as one of Hanson's Middle Of Nowhere cd. Which one? I wouldn't have a clue! I wasn't the Hanson fan, she was!

I really wanted to tell her to shut up, but of course I didn't. It would defeat the whole purpose of me not talking to her. That, and the fact that her singing sounded so sweet and angelic and also contained feeling.

Aww, why couldn't I have such a voice? Truthfully I thought that my sister's voice out rated any females that I'd heard sing... live or on the radio. While she continued to hum, it felt like she was rubbing in the fact that I couldn't sing, though she didn't even know that because I never tried while she was within hearing distance.

I sighed, she sang, I sighed again, she kept singing, I sighed 'again, again'....she turned to me and said, " What's your problem?!" I looked down. It wasn't much point her asking me a question, it wasn't like I could answer her or anything!

When we reached our mystery (or at least a mystery to me) destination, I followed Mira like a lost puppy out the bus. We were at some mini mall. I was curious now, 'cause we had a giant mall within walking distance from our house so why come to this small place? It didn't look like it was any better than ours, the prices - dare I say - were even more expensive!

Mira walked into the newsagency. I wanted to go one more shop down because I could smell food!... and it smelt good! My stomach still refused to forgive me when I forgot to grab a bite an hour earlier. I caved in and walked to the donut store. Mmmmm.... donuts! I paid for mine the left that sweet smelling side shop. Walking into the newsagent I saw Mira...

...And somebody else too! Taylor Hanson or an amazing look-a-like was standing next to her. I was gonna walk to them but the guy at the counter frowned and pointed to the sign. I read, "Please refrain from bringing food or drink into the store." Dang! I couldn't get in!

I watched them chat like old buddies... then I wondered, 'What was *Taylor Hanson* doing here, talking to my sister?!?' Hah... I should've known, the whole meeting was probably planned! Knowing my sister, anything was possible - even getting to meet THE Taylor Hanson.

I should've known, I should've known, I should've known... I mean if Mira's major crush was Elvis, he'd probably rise from the ground for her! I refrained myself from asking the question, 'How'd she plan this' because I didn't know and would most likely, never find out. I should just accept the fact that my sister got practically everything she wanted.

Mira eyed me from the middle of the newsagent, and moved to the furtherest corner, to avoid me. Taylor followed in much the same manner that I follow her all the time, like a lost puppy. I figured she probably knew that I couldn't get into the shop and decided to make the most of the moment.

That was when I realised the donut was just getting my hand all greasy and doing nothing for my empty tum. Scoffing the donut into my mouth (how lady like) I stomped into the store. That same counter guy eyed me, but did nothing. The distance between Mira, Taylor and I decreased as I approached.

I was now within a metre of them, so I stopped. Mira showed no intention of introducing us. That was just fine by me, 'cause I already knew who the bloke next to Mira was!

I really needed to burp, from eatin' that donut too fast, so I imagined what would happen if I did...

Embarrassing enough for me, there was no need to imagine, I really did burp and it was practically in Mira's face! I did not mean to, really! Mira looked disgusted as she shoved me, but you couldn't really tell if weren't specifically looking at me. I guess my burp ( I myself was even disgusted that I burped in public! ) sounded a bit like an 'ahem' and that's probably and hopefully what Taylor thought it was because he introduced himself to me.

"Pleased to meet you, I'm Taylor." I so wished I could answer him but I could only nod and smile. There was a silence and it seemed as if he was waiting for me to say my name. I think my complexion changed shades! Mira muttered, "That's Carrie, my sister."

Taylor looked at Mira questioningly. It looked a bit as if his eyes were asking, 'Why'd you answer for her?' but then I realised that he was probably asking, 'Is she dumb, can she not speak?' I wrinkled my nose. This cannot be happening to me! Taylor Hanson thinks I'm dumb and can't speak! Sigh. Oh, well what else was I to expect...?


Part two...

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