The tension
and mania
of childhood.
It will be difficult to discuss my childhood
without simply repeating the work of my earlier biographers.
But I will prevail.
1. I was born in the slums of Wauchula, Florida
under the despotic eyes of Colonel Sanders
and Ronald McDonald and Dave Thomas and
Wendy who is Dave's doppelganger.		 2. The trash-strewn streets became my hardening
home as I fell in with a gang of nihilistic toddlers
who rejected the confines of "jungle gyms" for the
pleasures of underground French cartoons.
4. It was also here that my lesser predecessor,
Adrienne Ammerman, was born. She is weak and
filled with chaos, for I had erased any possibilities
for her.
3. I was wrenched from my comfortable decadence
when my family relocated to Bombay, India, which I
explored accompanied only by a trained monkey who
had grown cynical and haggard with age.
8. Then I returned to the banalities of the United
States. I lived in Maryland, a state that I detested
for its crabcakeries and bays.
5. I was threatened and tittilated when I learned
that we were leaving India to move to France. I was
eager to bond with the same earth from which
John-Paul Sartre and Edith Piaf had sprung.
7. It was from this experience that I learned
that I am better than everyone. It is a valuable
lesson, and it almost makes me prize the
dreary two years I spent in France.
6. Unfortunately I had overestimated France. I
spent my years there in a fetid "kindergarten"
attempting to discuss the social ramifications
of "snack time" with the blithering fools I had
for classmates.
10. On the brink of musical stardom, my
family moved once again to Belgrade,
Yugoslavia. I had a brief flirtation with
Marxism, as only an 11-year-old can.
11. After a brief escapade with a tank and
a small Cuban militia, we moved back to
India, this time to New Delhi. Under the cautious
eye of my old monkey friend, I began my
experiments with altered conciousness.
12. Using a combination of obscure homeopathic
hallucinogens and West African yoga, I arrived at
the pinnacle of wisdom that I have today.
13. I bid farewell to my monkey friend and
made my pilgrimage back to Maryland. My
mission was to attend public high school
and discover its mysteries.
14. After two years of this treatment, I had suffered no mental
diminishment, but my muscles had nearly atrophied into nothingness.
15. To control the pain, I began my series of
experiments with utilizing the energy created
by popular music to control and demean my peers.
16. Phase One of the experiment was called
Jilted Pilgrim, which operated out of the
suburban Virginia area. Results were negotiable,
but enjoyable.
17. Eventually, the authorities were alerted
to my presence, so moved my base to the College
of William and Mary. I considered Harvard, Yale,
and the others, but dismissed them as being too
obvious.
This brings you fairly to up-to-date with my current situation.
Continue onwards to discover the specifics of this situation.