The man who loved beans
Once upon a
time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was
apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself,
"She'll never go
through with the marriage with me carrying on lke this" so
he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were
married.
A few months later, on the way
home from work, his car broke down and since
they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that
he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small
cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles
to walk he thought he would walk off any
ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three
extra large
helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he
arrived home
he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and
seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head
of the table
and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning
to feel
another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the
blindfold,
the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she
returned
and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard
time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air
about him. He had
just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised
his leg and
rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled
worse. To
keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell
would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he
felt another
urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
This was a real
blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table
rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an
ear tuned in on
the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of
staying blindfolded,
he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then
fanning each
time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells
(indicating the end of his lonliness and
freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his
hands on top of
it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his
wife
walked in.
Apologising for taking so long,
she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold and
yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there
were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party.