This first one isn't actually a joke, but it's pretty funny...
This first one isn't actually a joke, but it's pretty funny...
--Nacho Man
>The Truth About Barney
>
> Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
>
> Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway): CVTE PVRPLE
> DINOSAVR
>
> Extract all Roman Numerals: C V V L D I V
>
> Convert into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5
>
> Add all the numbers: 666
>
> Thus, Barney is Satan.
>>> > Things You Would Never Hear A Southerner Say:
>>> > --------------------------------------------
>>> >
>>> > "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
>>> >
>>> > Duct tape won't fix that.
>>> >
>>> > Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
>>> >
>>> > Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken's
>>> >
>>> > We don't keep firearms in this house.
>>> >
>>> > Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
>>> >
>>> > You can't feed that to the dog.
>>> >
>>> > I thought Graceland was tacky.
>>> >
>>> > No kids in the back of the pick-up; it's not safe.
>>> >
>>> > Wrasslin's fake.
>>> >
>>> > Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
>>> >
>>> > We're vegetarians.
>>> >
>>> > Do you think my hair is too big?
>>> >
>>> > I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
>>> >
>>> > Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
>>> >
>>> > Who's Richard Petty?
>>> >
>>> > Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
>>> >
>>> > Deer heads detract from the decor.
>>> >
>>> > Spitting is such a nasty habit.
>>> >
>>> > I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
>>> >
>>> > Trim the fat off that steak.
>>> >
>>> > Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
>>> >
>>> > The tires on that truck are too big.
>>> >
>>> > I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
>>> >
>>> > I've got it all on a floppy disk.
>>> >
>>> > Unsweetened tea tastes better.
>>> >
>>> > Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
>>> >
>>> > My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
>>> >
>>> > I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
>>> >
>>> > Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
>>> >
>>> > Checkmate.
>>> >
>>> > She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
>>> >
>>> > Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
>>> >
>>> > Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
>>> >
>>> > I don't have a favorite college team.
>>> >
>>> > Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
>>> >
>>> > I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
>>> >
>>> > Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
>>> >
>>> > Elvis who?
>>>
>>> On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students,
>>> pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be
>>> out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male
>>> dormitory to the female students.
>>>
>>> Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first
>>> time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
>>> be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
>>> fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male
>>> student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"
>>
>> WHY SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP IS AN OXYMORON
>>
>> "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
>> -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
>>
>> "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
>> clothes."
>> -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps
>> a
>> color
>> photo of himself above his locker
>>
>> "You guys line up alphabetically by height"
>> -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
>>
>> "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't
>> seem to
>> make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been
>> through in
>> school."
>> -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
>> because of
>>
>> academic requirements
>>
>> "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to
>> get
>> in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
>> -- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
>>
>> "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison
>> for
>> three years, not Princeton."
>> -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
>> promoter
>> Don King
>>
>> "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
>> -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
>> his visit
>> to
>> Greece
>>
>> "The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see
>> the
>> game anymore."
>> -- Yogi Berra
>>
>> "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
>> -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
>>
>> "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
>> Norman
>> Einstein."
>> -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
>The following was reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association
>Lawyers Journal. The questions that appear below were actually asked
>of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
>responses given by insightful witnesses: (There's nothing funnier
>than true life.)
>
> 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
> he
>doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
>
> 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
>
> 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
>
> 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
>
> 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
>
> 6. "Did he kill you?"
>
> 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
>
> 8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
>
> 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
>
>10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
> A: "Yes."
> Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
>
>11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
> A: "Yes."
> Q: "How many were boys?"
> A: "None"
> Q: "Were there any girls?"
>
>12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
> A: "Yes."
> Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
>
>13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
>you?" A: I went to Europe, sir." Q: And you took your new wife?"
>
>14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
> A: "By death."
> Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
>
>15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
> A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
> Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
>
>16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
> A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
>
>17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
>people?
> A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
>
>18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
>to?"
> A: "Oral."
>
>19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
> A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
> Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
> A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>autopsy."
>
>20. Q: "You were shot in the fracas?"
> A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
>
>21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
> A: "I have been since early childhood."
>
>22: Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
>a pulse?"
> A: "No."
> Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
> A: "No."
> Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
> A: "No."
> Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
> you
>began the autopsy?"
> A: "No."
> Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
> A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
> Q: "But could the patient have still been alive
> nevertheless?"
> A: "It is possible that the could have been alive and practicing law
>somewhere."
>
>
>
> Ad Campaigns Gone Wrong
>
> Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it
> was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
>
> Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into
> German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not
> too many people had use for the "manure stick".
>
> Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
> following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an
> Electrolux.
>
> The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling
> Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When
> smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind
> seems to be free and empty."
>
> When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used
> the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on
> the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
> routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since
> most people can't read English.
>
> Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the
> name of a notorious porno magazine.
>
> An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
> Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I
> saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato"
> (la papa).
>
> In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated
> the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."
>
> Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated
> into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in
> Chinese.
>
> Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to
> make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it
> takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
>
> When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its
> ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket
> and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the
> word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
> the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
> pregnant".
>
> The Chevy Nova had problems in Latin America because in
> Spanish, "no va" means "doesn't go".
> >> WINDOWS PROBLEM
>>> I'm wondering if anybody can help me
>>> with a problem I'm having on my
>>> computer at work. I recently upgraded to
>>> Windows 95 from Windows 3.1416, and
>>> I've noticed that when I running
>>> WordWanker Version 2.0.9.4 (which I
>>> upgraded from 1.8.4.7) in conjunction
>>> with FaxBuddy! Version 4.2.4.3.7857,
>>> everything works fine for about the first 25
>>> minutes, but then if I try to type a
>>> subordinating conjunction followed by any
>>> form of the verb foment, the keyboard
>>> locks up permanently and the hard drive
>>> makes a whimpering sound and all current
>>> data is erased, including data in computers
>>> several cubicles away. I have tried
>>> everything, including reformatting my hard
>>> drive and exorcism. Please help!
>>>
>>> REPLY TO: WINDOWS PROBLEM
>>> I had exactly the same problem, and after
>>> a lot of trial and error I found out that if
>>> you click on the Windows Control Panel,
>>> then on Command Center, then on Reset
>>> Variables, then on Establish New
>>> Parameters, then on Define Standards,
>>> then on Modify Criteria, then on
>>> Effectuate Paradigms, then on the little
>>> icon that says Do Not Ever Click On This
>>> Little Icon, then go down to the box that
>>> says Enter New Value, and type in 2038,
>>> you will still have the same problem. This
>>> is why I started using heroin.
>>>
>>> Dave Barry
>>>
>> What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves
>> the toaster?
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important
>> electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a
>> carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one
>> of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched
>> violently and cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity
>> can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt
>> others unless we need to learn an important lesson about
>> electricity.
>>
>> It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you
>> scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are
>> very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so
>> that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your
>> bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark
>> that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet
>> and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
>>
>> AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:
>> If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you
>> would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode!
>> But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
>>
>> Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
>> mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
>> any of these things, which is just as well because there was no
>> place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
>> Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received
>> a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered
>> by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so
>> severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible
>> maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he
>> had to be given a job running the post office.
>>
>> After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
>> have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
>> Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers
>> conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them,
>> Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
>> different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
>> developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
>> attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
>> to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
>> skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
>> seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its
>> muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond. However, water is a
>> great conductor of electricity and the frog is immediately
>> electrocuted.
>>
>> But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison,
>> who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little
>> formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major
>> invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in
>> thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923,
>> when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement
>> came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design
>> was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the
>> electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer,
>> then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire,
>> then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the
>> customer again.
>>
>> This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same
>> batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught,
>> since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity
>> closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated
>> was 1937.
>>
>> Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like
>> Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For
>> example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an
>> electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000
>> yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate
>> operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the
>> power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."
>>
>
> Santa Claus
> An Engineer,s Perspective
>
> 1. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
> world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
> Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas Night
> to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference
> Bureau).
> At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108
> million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
>
> 2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
> time zones, and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west
> (which seems logical). This calculates to 967.7 visits per second. This is
> to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around
> 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill
> the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
> snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh
> and get on to the next house.
>
> Assuming that each of these 108 million is evenly distributed around the Earth
> (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of
> our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total
> trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.
> This means that Santa,s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000
> times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
> vehicle, the Ulysses Space Probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a
> conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
>
> 3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each
> child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh
> is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a
> conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that
> the flying 8 reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can,t be
> done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them.
> This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another
> 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the
> ship, not the monarch).
>
> 4. 600,000 Tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
> resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft
> re-entering the earth,s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb
> 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. In short, they would burst
> into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and
> creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team of reindeer
> would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the
> time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
>
> Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a
> dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
> centrifugal forces of 17,500 G*,s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludricously
> slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force,
> instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob
> of pink goo.
>
> 5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he,s dead now.
>
>> We all know those little dumb-ass computer symbols called "emoticons,"
>>where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Well, how about some
>>"assicons"?
>>
>>(editors note: you don't have to engage in the dangerous leftward head
>>tilt normally associated with emoticons)
>>
>>
>>
>> (_!_) a regular ass
>>
>> (__!__) a fat ass
>>
>> (!) a tight ass
>>
>> (_._) a flat ass
>>
>> (_^_) a bubble ass
>>
>> (_*_) a sore ass
>>
>> (_$_) a rich ass
>>
>> (_!__) a lop-sided ass
>>
>> {_!_} a swishy ass
>>
>> (_o_) an ass that's been around
>>
>> (_O_) and ass that's been around alot
>>
>> (_x_) kiss my ass
>>
>> (_X_) leave my ass alone
>>
>> (_###_) hairy ass
>>
>> (_zzz_) a tired ass
>>
>> (_o^o_) a wise ass
>>
>> (__EDD__) unemployed ass
>>
>> (_13_) an unlucky ass
>>
>> (_?_) a dumb ass
>>
Collection of 'one-liner' signature files found on the Internet,
sent to me by a friend:
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
I may not know what I'm doing, but I know how to do it.