How to Write a Paper

 1.  Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted  place
 with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
 2.  Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you  understand 
 it.
 3.  Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee  to help  you
 concentrate.
 4.  Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit  with your  
 friend  from class.  If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either,
 you  can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you
 concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced,
 and bound  in  one of those irritating see-thru folders, drop him.
 5.  When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair
 in  a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
 6.  Read over the assignment again to make absolutley certain you 
 understand it.
 7.  You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since  you
 were in fourth grade.  You'd better write that letter now and get it  out
 of  your way so you can concentrate.
 8.  Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
 9.  Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I  mean it,
 as soon as it's over you are going to start the paper.
 10.  Listen to the other side.
 11.  Rearrange all of your tapes into alphabetical order.
 12.  Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing
  yet.  Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, the course,  the
  university, the world at large.
 13.  Sit in a straight comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted  place 
 with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
 14.  Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your  toungue;
 savor their special flavor.
 15.  Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren'tmissing
 something truly worthwhile on TV.  NOTE:  When you have a paper due  in
 less than 12 hours, anything on TV, from Masterpiece Theatre to Sgt.
 Prestonof the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
        a)  Pro Bowler's Tour
        b)  any movie starring Don Ameche
 16.  Catch the last hour of "Soul Brother of Kung Fu" on  channel 26.
 17.  Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. 
 Discuss the finer points of the plot.
 18.  Look at your tongue in the mirror.
 19.  Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who
 everyone is.
 20.  Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the
 future.
 21.  Open your door and check to see if there are any  mysterious,
 trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
 22.  Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean,  well-lighted place
  with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
 23.  Read over the assignment one more time, just for the  hell of it.
 24.  Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
 sunrise.
 25.  Lie face down on the floor and moan.
 26.  Leap up and write the paper.
 27.  Type the paper.
 28.  Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep  because you had 
 to  write the damn paper.

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