How to Write a Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place
with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand
it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your
friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either,
you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you
concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced,
and bound in one of those irritating see-thru folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair
in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutley certain you
understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since you
were in fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out
of your way so you can concentrate.
8. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it,
as soon as it's over you are going to start the paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your tapes into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing
yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, the course, the
university, the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place
with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your toungue;
savor their special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren'tmissing
something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in
less than 12 hours, anything on TV, from Masterpiece Theatre to Sgt.
Prestonof the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowler's Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
16. Catch the last hour of "Soul Brother of Kung Fu" on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Look at your tongue in the mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who
everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the
future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place
with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had
to write the damn paper.
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