Tonya Harding and Lorena Bobbit are fighting with a crowbar and a knife

Joan Rivers jumps out of a cab and asks them who designed their dresses

They don't tell her but they ask about her husband and their daughter

Meanwhile down the street Jim Carrey robs a bank

I don't know why he did it, he already has a freakin' 20 mil

I wonder what he did with the money? I think I'd buy a couple of cars and drive down

To the other side of town where Seal and Tyra Banks walk hand-in-hand down a hotel hallway

And listen to Robert Downey Jr. smashing in his window with a chair

He oughta just ditch the addiction, you know?

I heard the chair was an antique- it cost 400 dollars what a shame

I think Lassie would win a fight with Flipper

But Elijah Wood begs to differ

And even though everyone says David Letterman and Jay Leno made peace I think that's bullshit, man

Cause I hear Dave punched Jay and lost

While Howard Stern poked some girls ass with a plastic pitchfork

And somewhere downtown there is a fat man who excercizes with his Buttmaster naked...

Back in Prague Tom Cruise is turning backflips on a train for the enjoyment of his beautiful little daughter

She doesn't realize how lucky she is

And now Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow are strolling down Sunset Boulevard

They're cute as hell together, and you know, even though I'm over him I'm still a little jealous

And they watch Keanu Reeves smash into a car with his motorcycle

Brad runs over to help, but Keanu says he's okay, brave guy that he is.

And while we're on the subject of brave guys, Mel Gibson really did mention his wife in his thank you speech at the Oscars

So he doesn't have to sleep with the dog after all

I hear Seal and Tyra Banks haven't set a date yet, but when they do I hope I get an invite

And now Tonya and Lorena are on their knees begging for Gods forgiveness

While Tonya pulls on a loose shoelace and cries about it

The fat man is still at it with his Buttmaster, and it ain't doing any good...

OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY FRIEND TOLD ME