Thursday November 2, 2000: Wichita, Kansas

You know, it’s rather ironic that the person who sings my theme song of the moment is one of the people who’s causing my problems.

It’s not like I blame Britney for my problems. If she doesn’t want to go out with me that’s fine. I understand. Really. It’s just that since that stupid rumor came out that we were getting married she hasn’t wanted to be around me. Like if we’re seen together people will think the rumors are true. Girls! I don’t get them. And I mean, it’s not like I want to be anything more than friends with her. Okay, I wouldn’t mind it, but that’s beside the point. It’s just that she sort of understands what I’m going through. I mean we both grew up in the spotlight. She has just as many guys after her as I have girls after me. She knows what it’s like to not have any privacy. To have to put on the stage face 24-hours a day.

It’s not like the other guys don’t have to deal with it too; it’s just that they’re older. I should be in high school! I should be at home drinking, partying it up with my friends. I should have friends. Did I just write that? Of course I have friends. But the guys are more like brothers and all my friends at home… it’s just not the same. I just don’t have anyone who I can be "Justin" with. It’s always Justin Timberlake. Even with the guys. I mean they’ve pretty much gotten used to being their stage personalities 24 hours a day too, it’s just I don’t think it affects them like it affects me.

Why me?

I think that’s the first time I’ve ever asked that question. Why was I the one who got chosen for the MMC? For ‘N SYNC? Do I regret it? No. Do I wish it hadn’t happened? I don’t know.

Am I going to go through with "the plan"? I don’t know. Do I want to go through with "the plan"? I don’t know.

It’s just like if I could have a break. Even for 24 hours. If I could just find someone with whom I could be Justin. I mean, my parents don’t even know Justin anymore. It all relates back to ‘N SYNC.

Will the guys ever speak to me again if I go through with "the plan"? I don’t know. Is it worth it if I find me?

Yes.

The guys’ll thank me for this someday. Maybe. I mean, they’ve got to know something’s wrong.

Lost in an image, in a dream, but there’s no one there to wake me up and the world is spinning and I keep on winning

The cell phone in Justin’s pocket jumped to life against his leg, vibrating in the pocket of his khakis.

"’Ello?" he said into the phone.

"Justin, sweetie. This is Mommy."

Justin closed his eyes for a second and then looked around the dressing room to where the rest of the guys were completing their pre-concert relaxation techniques. Both JC and Lance had looked over at Justin when he had pulled the cell-phone out of his pocket.

"Hey mom," Justin said. He rolled his eyes for JC and Lance’s benefit. They gave him sympathetic smiles. "What’s up."

"I was just calling to wish you good luck with the show," Lynn said. "Wade was telling me that you were having some problems in practice."

"When have I not been having problems recently mother," Justin said.

The rest of the guys looked at him surprised at his tone of voice.

"This isn’t a joking matter Justin," Lynn said. "This is your career. The fans are paying good money to see—"

"Yes mother, I know they’re paying money to see us. They don’t know the difference if we mess up or not."

"Making mistakes is not something to take lightly Justin," Lynn continued. Her voice was growing agitated. "You need to be perfect."

An Alanis Morisette song popped into Justin’s head.

"I’ll try my best mother," Justin said. "I always try my best."

"Then your best must not be good enough," Lynn said.

Justin looked at the book in his lap. Could he go through with the plan? Yes. Did he want to go through with the plan? Yes. Did he want to talk to his mother anymore? No.

"It’ll all be better tonight mother," Justin said. He hoped it was the reassuring tone she was looking for.

"That’s what I wanted to hear sweetie," Lynn said. "I’ll talk to you tomorrow okay?"

"Bye mom," Justin said. He couldn’t say: ‘No you won’t’.  He’d never lied to his mother and he didn’t intend to start now. He put the phone back in his pocket and gave a weak smile to all of the guys who were now looking at him.

"You okay Curly?" Joey asked.

Justin nodded. "Everything’s going to be fine. Just fine."

He turned his attention back to the book in his lap. He picked up his pen again and filled in the last phrase of the entry.

but tell me what happens when it stops.

"Don’t really want to make it tough…I just wanna tell you that I’ve had enough… It may sound crazy but it ain’t no lie… Bye, bye, bye… bye, bye…"

"Thank you Wichita!" JC yelled out into the crowd. "You guys are the greatest!"

The rest of the guys echoed their thanks and they ran off stage.

The lights in the auditorium went out and the yells and screams that had dominated the entire show increased ten-fold.

"’N SYNC! ‘N SYNC! ‘N SYNC!" the girls and guys yelled. "’N SYNC!"

The lights came on and groans of disappointment echoed around the walls. People began leaving the stadium, milling in the halls and trying to prolong the ‘N SYNC concert experience just that much longer.

Justin stood at the back of the stage. He peered out at the people in the audience and he felt even more of a sense of awe than normal.

He’d said on stage that none of them expected ‘N SYNC to become this. They hadn’t expected the multitude of fans. They hadn’t expected to sell out shows in twenty minutes. He especially hadn’t expected to be the dream man of hundreds of thousands of girls.

He was tired of it.

"Bye, bye, bye," Justin mouthed quietly. This was it. This was the end.

"You okay Curly?" JC asked his friend.

Normally Justin was on an adrenaline rush after the show but tonight he was quiet. Withdrawn almost. He had a sad look on his face.

"Yeah," Justin said. "I just tired."

"You could go to the bus," JC said. "We’ll be out soon enough."

Justin looked at his friend. He had a look of hurt and betrayal on his face for an instant, but it passed so quickly JC thought he’d imagined it.

"Yeah," Justin said. "I think I’ll do that. Lonnie!"

Justin walked out the door looking for his bodyguard. He didn’t look back.

Justin sat in the darkness of his bunk. His cell phone was in his lap. He slowly picked it up. He knew Britney’s phone would be off. That was why he was calling now. By the time she got the message he’d be long gone.

He dialed the number he’d memorized long ago. The message came on almost immediately.

"Hey Britney," Justin said slowly. "I wanted you to hear this from me, not the guys. I’m leaving, going away for awhile. I just wanted to thank you for being my friend. You’ve helped me more than you can know."

He clicked the phone off as he heard footsteps coming on to the bus. He closed his eyes and remained quiet. He couldn’t draw the guy’s attention. Not if the plan were to work that is.

They were in the middle of nowhere when the bus stopped.

That was one of the things that Justin really liked about touring on a bus. They got to see portions of the United States that they’d never see normally. Like now. They were stopped at a little gas station on an unidentifiable country road.

Everyone else was asleep. Justin should have been asleep, but tonight was the night. It would be if he had enough courage anyway.

Justin peered out of his bunk and watched the bus driver get out of the bus to stretch like he did every night. They’d stop for about twenty minutes on some deserted road and the driver would get out to smoke a cigarette. He would stay with the bus, but he’d go far enough away from the bus for Justin’s purposes.

Justin sat quietly in his bunk trying to determine if anyone had woken up. That was what he was afraid of— that the bodyguards or one of the guys would wake up and stop him.

Slowly Justin climbed out of the bunk and grabbed his suitcase with all of his favorite clothes and items, his teddy bear included, and the backpack that he lived out of on the bus. He walked down the aisle of the bus and saw his bodyguard sleeping. Justin tiptoed past the sleeping hulk of man.

The floor creaked suddenly and Justin froze. He closed his eyes in prayer, knowing that any minute a voice would call out to him, asking him what he was doing.

There was no movement though and he continued off of the bus and tiptoed down the steps. He peered out the door to make sure that the driver didn’t look his way. That would ruin everything. He was so close he could smell the freedom. Or maybe it was just the fresh air.

The driver walked down to the other end of the bus and Justin took the opportunity to hop onto the soft grass that lined the edge of the dirt rode. He had his backpack slung over his shoulder and his suitcase in hand. He’d pulled a baseball hat out of his bag and had put it on backwards, a way he never wore it. Not that it would do any good. It wasn’t like the driver wouldn’t recognize him as he walked down the road.

And Justin began walking away from the bus— away from his life, and away from being Justin Timberlake.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like ‘N SYNC anymore, it’s just that he needed a new life, and where better to start one than out in the country— a random town where they wouldn’t be expecting him.

He was being selfish and he knew it. He knew that they’d stop the tour and the group might end, but he didn’t care. He wasn’t any good to them now. He’d been in a funk for weeks and he wasn’t snapping out of it. People were starting to notice. Fans were starting to notice. Everyone wanted to know what was wrong. Everyone wanted to help, but how did he tell them that he didn’t want to be him anymore? He wanted to be anyone but Justin Randall Timberlake.

He’d left a note on JC’s computer after all the rest of the guys were asleep telling him that they should keep going, find a replacement if they wanted. He’d explained that he wanted a change, but he’d be back some day, if they still wanted him that is.

Justin walked along the side of the road, keeping his ears open for the sound of the approaching bus. As soon as it was past him they wouldn’t even realize he was gone until they were far away. Far away enough for Justin to start a new life. Far away enough for Justin to be on his own.

There was a sound behind him and Justin saw the bus starting to move. He quickly got off the road and hid in the tall grass. He couldn’t afford to be seen. He’d put too much time and effort into this to be stopped now.

He held his breath as the bus drove by him. It was bearing down on him and his heart pounded in his ears. And then it was gone and he was all alone on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.

Justin knew the town was called Mill Creek by the sign he passed on his ten-minute walk to town. It was a small town with a population of 2,003. That was just fine with him. The last thing he wanted was a whole lot of people. The way he saw it, the more people, the more teenage girls there would be and the greater chance there would be that he would be recognized.

The streets of the town were dark as Justin walked through them. He shifted his suitcase to his right hand so that he could look at his watch. 2 a.m. It was so dark he would have thought it was later than that.

Justin looked up at the sky and marveled at the stars. There were so many of them. It was something you never saw in the cities. The cities were the only places that he was able to look at the sky at night.

Justin walked up to the small building with the flashing sign that said ‘Motel.’ He looked in the glass door and saw the clerk asleep at the desk. He pushed the door open and there was a jingling.

The man at the desk jumped awake. He only looked a little older than Justin.

"He- hello?" he asked.

"Hi," Justin said, putting on his fan grin. He leaned against the desk. He was sort of excited. He’d never gotten a hotel room for himself before. "I just got into town. I was hoping I could get a room for a few days."

"Sure," the guy behind the desk said. Justin looked at his nametag: Stu. "Your name?"

"Randy," Justin said. "Randy Smith." Yes, it was a generic name, but Justin had all the identification he’d ever need to be Randy Smith. As of now he existed.

"Sure Mr. Smith," Stu said.

"It’s Randy," Justin said. "You can’t be any older than me. If you call me mister, I’m going to have to call you mister Stu."

Stu laughed. "Sure Randy." He typed into the computer and finally handed Justin a key. "You’re in room 2c. It’s up the stairs and down three doors."

"Thanks," Justin said. "Say, what is there to do in this town?"

Stu laughed. "You’ll be the excitement. No one ever comes to Mill Creek. At least not in the last year or so."

Justin nodded. That could be good or bad. Either no one would recognize him or they’d recognize him instantly.

"Where’s the high school around here? I need to register for classes."

Stu looked at Justin in surprise. "You haven’t graduated yet?"

Justin shook his head. He was going to have to remember all of the lies that he was telling. "My parents are going to be moving into the surrounding area so they sent me ahead to get situated in school and stuff. They don’t want me to be pulled out of school in the middle of my last term of my senior year so they pulled me out in the middle of the first."

Stu just nodded. "That’s cool. Well, maybe I’ll see you at school."

Justin raised an eyebrow. "You a senior?"

Stu nodded. "There’s like 50 in our class. We’re the biggest in the school."

Justin smiled. "Cool. I hope I get to know all of you real well." He picked up his bags and started out of the small office. "See ya later Stu."

Manhattan, Kansas

The bus pulled to a stop in front of the hotel and the guys sleepily stumbled out of the bunks. No one noticed that one member was missing. It never occurred to them that he wouldn’t be there. He always was. Why would this night be any different?