Monday, November 20, 2000: ‘N SYNC Compound

JC stared at his computer unsure of what to type. It had taken several days for him to work up the courage to even sit down at the computer. Now he was here and he didn’t know what to say.

What did you say to one of your four best friends who had bowed under the pressure of their profession, who had runaway and who apparently had no plans of coming back? What did you say to the person who held your career in his hand and apparently had no remorse?

Dear Justin,

So, how are you? Things could be better here, obviously. Management is freaking, threatening to send us back out on the road. I’m sure Lance told you that already. We’re refusing even if it means the end of ‘N SYNC. You know we need you and that we can’t go on without you so what use is it for me to say it again.

I guess I should thank you really. I’ve actually had time to sit down and play on the board for the first time in months. I think I’ve got a couple winners. You’ll have to hear them sometime.
 

                                                                                                                                                   Um, yeah. Chris is torturing us with more clothing designs. I swear if anyone buys FuManSkeeto… well, they’ve got to be about as psychotic as Chris. Joey’s running through his screenplay _again_. Unfortunately he’s making us run through it to see if it sounds "natural." I don’t think Joey can write anything _natural_.

Anyway, I know you answered Lance’s first email, but not his second. I hope you decide to answer mine cause I miss you bro. It’s not the same without you. Nothing is right without you here.

I hope that whatever you’re doing, wherever you are, you’re living the life you want to. I hope you’ll also get tired of it soon and come back to us.

Luv ya Bro… Josh.

The bell rang releasing the 200 students from the confines of the dust-bleached building.

Justin finished fishing his books out of his locker and zipped up his backpack, the sound lost in the chatter of the hallway.

"You headin’ to the gym now?" Stu asked as he walked up to Justin.

Justin nodded. "Where else would I be going?"

Stu laughed. "I told you, basketball is life."

Justin began walking down the hallway with Stu by his side.

"Hi Randy," a girl’s voice called.

Justin turned towards the girl and saw Mindy standing with three of her friends.

"Hey Mindy," Justin said. He turned back towards Stu and the two of them kept walking.

"Good luck in practice," Mindy called after him.

Justin turned around and smiled that heart-stopping smile. "Thanks."

Stu was laughing as they continued down the hall followed by the girlish giggles.

"You have got them wrapped around your little finger."

Justin nodded. "She’s a sweet girl."

"Kid D, kid."

"She’s fifteen," Justin said. "That’s not that much younger than me."

"You could have your choice of senior girls though," Stu said. "Why would you stoop to the sophomores."

Justin rolled his eyes. "I’m not after any girl Stu. I don’t want to hook up with anyone."

Stu shook his head. "But have you looked at MaryAnn recently?"

"She’s okay," Justin said.

"Just okay?" Stu asked. "She’s fly dude."

"I’ve sort of got someone at home that I’ve got my eye on," Justin said. He almost forced himself to think of Britney now.

Stu looked at Justin for just a moment too long. "All I can say dude is you’re missing out."

I do have a good reason though. I mean, I know Lance won’t have kept my email to himself. I wouldn’t expect him to. But it means that the other guys will have emailed me too, and Johnny and management.

I don’t have to answer. I don’t want to answer. It’s just a tie to the past, well, the life I will be going back to eventually. That’s going to be hell.

I wonder if anyone suspects anything here. Stu gave me a weird look today but I’m sure I’m just being paranoid. I can’t imagine no one suspects anything though. I guess if they did I would have seen the Justin Timberlake searchers in town though. And I haven’t.

Okay, I’m changing the subject. Go check your mail!

On the count of three.

(I never thought I’d be using this book to boost my confidence for checking my email!)

Quit stalling…

"One… two… three…"

Justin pushed himself off the bed and walked over to the small desk where his laptop was already set up.

"I don’t have to do this," Justin said. "I can just get a new email account and give that address to everyone here…"

He shook his head fiercely. "No. Come on Smith. Face the music." He didn’t even register what last name he’d used.

He managed to move his finger across the mouse pad to highlight the browser and before he could stop himself he double clicked. That seemed like the point of no return.

Justin typed in his password slowly and deliberately and waited with baited breath as his account was checked.

Two new messages.

Justin felt a small air twinge of disappointment— a feeling he wasn’t expecting at all. Only two? He’d been expecting at least six.

Justin knew who the two were from even without clicking on the inbox. Lance, of course and he’d bet a million dollars that the other was JC. He’d actually been surprised that JC wasn’t the first one to email him. Well, not really, that was something Lance would do, but still.

He clicked on Lance’s first since it had been written first.

 
Justin- They’re going to make us go back on the road without you. Come back. We can’t do this without you. You should see us in practice. We need you Justin. I need you here. We’ll work something out, I promise. Please. JLB

It was the same heartfelt, guilt-trip laying style as the first one. Surprisingly Justin felt less bad about leaving. He’d told the guys to keep going and even heaven-forbid find a replacement. He’d known they wouldn’t listen, but he’d told them to. Lance knew that once he got back management would have a bodyguard sleep in the same bed as Justin. He needed the alone time and now that he’d taken the chance, taken the step there was no way he could go back until he was thoroughly ready.

With trepidation Justin clicked on JC’s email. It was longer than the rest and more like a real letter. The sense of guilt that had been slightly diminished had returned full force.

"I miss you Josh," Justin murmured. Realizing what he just said he flipped the computer closed shutting it down instantly.

Lance cringed as he heard the tinny voice coming from Johnny’s phone. Lynne had taken not only to calling Johnny for daily updates, but to calling all of them as well.

"What do you mean that you haven’t got any leads yet?" the shrill voice came through the phone. "This is my son you’re talking about."

"I know it’s your son," Johnny said patiently when he thought it was safe to put the phone back to his ear. "We’re doing everything we can without announcing that Justin ran away."

"There’s got to be more," Lynne said. "Are you sure you’ve gone to every town between Wichita and Manhattan?"

"Lance and JC went themselves," Johnny said. "We have a witness who says that he saw Justin get on the greyhound. It went back to Wichita. We’ve lost him."

Lynne’s sigh could be heard around the room. "This is career suicide," she said for the thousandth time in the last two weeks. "Are you taking precautions to make sure ‘N SYNC doesn’t die?"

"The Firm is talking about sending them out on the road again without Justin," Johnny said. His voice took on an annoyed tone. He’d been fighting with both Jive and The Firm for the last five days over this.

"Good," Lynne said. "That will keep the boys on top. I can’t believe Justin would do this. Where did I go wrong?"

Lance rolled his eyes. Where hadn’t she gone wrong?

He got up off of the couch and headed back to his room to see if by any chance Justin had emailed him back. It had been four days and Lance was getting worried. It had probably been a moment of weakness that had prompted Justin to email him back the first time, but still…

On an impulse Lance knocked on JC’s door as he passed it. His friend had been more withdrawn the last few days. He was actually being civil to Johnny and that never happened.

"Yeah?" a faint voice came from inside the room.

Lance opened the door. "What are you up to?" he asked.

JC shrugged. "Trying to get some words together for this song."

Lance smiled. "Can I see?" He always loved reading JC’s new stuff.

JC looked at the piece of paper in front of him. It seemed that he was having an internal debate. Finally he held the paper out to Lance.

Lance looked at the sheet of words. When he looked up there were tears in his eyes.

"Is this about Justin?"

JC nodded. "I don’t know… it seems that it’s the only thing I can really think about."

Lance looked back down at the paper. "It’s beautiful."

JC smiled wanly. "Thanks."

The two men were silent for a few moments.

"I emailed him today," JC said finally. "Told him what was happening around here."

Lance nodded. "I was actually just going to go check and see if he’d emailed me back yet."

"He hasn’t emailed me yet," JC said. "I mean you’ve been waiting for four days so I don’t know why I should expect him to email me back immediately."

"It never hurts to hope," Lance said. "Sometimes I think that’s the only thing keeping me going."

JC nodded. "That’s why I wrote this song. So I could get some of the thoughts floating around in my head out. I don’t think it really helped."

"We should record this," Lance said suddenly as he handed the paper back to JC. "You know, release it and tell Justin we want him back."

"No," JC said. "I feel sort of stupid writing this song about Justin. Besides won’t people realize something’s wrong if we record a song without Justin?"

"He’s lost out there," Lance said. "People can’t expect us to just sit here."

JC nodded. "There’s something not quite right about it yet."

"Well think about it, okay Jace?"

JC nodded. "Go check your email."

Lance walked back to the door. "You know Josh, if you ever need to talk…"

"I know," JC said with a small smile. "You’re right down the hall."

Lance opened the door and closed it behind him. He wished he had something that he could lose himself in besides Free Lance paperwork. Slowly he made his way down to his room. Time for the most nerve-wracking minutes of the day.

It was torture. Plain and simple.

"You okay D?" Stu asked from his place on Justin’s bed.

Justin nodded against his arms. He was sitting backwards in his chair, arms crossed on the top of the back and his chin resting on them.

"You sure?" Stu asked again. Justin had been sort of out of it all night.

"I’m fine," Justin said loudly, causing Stu to jump. Immediately feeling guilty he shrugged. "I just got an email from one of my friends at home who I was sort of trying to… avoid? Yeah, I guess that’s the right word, and he’s making it really hard for me to keep my distance.

Stu nodded. "Well can’t you write back?"

"You know I ran away," Justin said. "It’s like they’re trying to get me to come back and I don’t want to."

Stu nodded. "Well you can still let them know you’re okay right?"

Justin nodded. "It’s just complicated. They’re my old life and that’s what I wanted to get out of."

"Whether or not you abandoned your old life has no bearing on whether you keep in touch with your old friends does it? I mean, friends are for life."

"Yeah," Justin said slowly. "They’re more than my friends though. They’re like my family. When I left I knew I had to, but it’s like I ruined their lives too."

"I’m sure you didn’t ruin their lives," Stu said with an intense look. "I mean sure it upset them, but you’re more important aren’t you?"

"I am," Justin said not in a questioning way, but still hesitantly.

"There was a reason you left, remember?"

"There was," Justin said more convincingly.

"And you’re finding a life you like, right?"

"Right!" Justin said. He was sitting up straight in his chair.

"Well write them and tell them that," Stu said. "If they’re the family that you say they are they’ll understand."

Justin nodded. "I’ll do it after you leave."

Stu looked at his watch. "I’ve got to get going anyway."

"You don’t have to," Justin began.

"No, it’s my day to do the milking tomorrow which means getting up at 4:30." Stu laughed at Justin’s exaggerated shudder.

"I’ll see you tomorrow Bro."

"Bye," Justin said as Stu let himself out of the bedroom. He turned around towards his closed computer and booted it up. He wasn’t sure he had the emotional strength at the moment to write two separate letters. He could just write one to all the guys, even though Chris and Joey hadn’t emailed him yet.

His fingers began typing.

Lance woke up to a loud knocking on his door.

"Yeah?" he growled. He looked at the clock. 1:30. The knock sounded again. "This had better be good." He got out of bed and padded to the door throwing it open to show a smiling JC. "Do you know what time it is?"

"He emailed back!" JC said excitedly. "We all got one."

"What?" Lance said. He was still in a dream filled haze.

"Justin emailed all of us. Come on, check your email."

Lance immediately felt wide-awake. He walked quickly to the computer and turned it on. The booting up process had never seemed to take so long before.

"Come on," he said. "Come on."

JC was hovering over his shoulder a grin on his face.

"I take it there was good news?" Lance asked. He hoped the idle conversation would make the computer move faster.

"Not really," JC said. "But he’s staying in contact. That’s got to say something, right?"

Lance nodded as the background to his computer finally loaded. He opened the browser as quickly as he could. It was with shaky fingers that he typed in his password.

Then the new message was on his screen.
 

Hey guys… I guess you’re probably wondering where I am, but I’m not going to tell you that… sort of defeats the purpose of running away, huh? Things are really good here. I’m enjoying myself immensely. Seeing the sights, you know doing the stuff we never get to do on a tour bus.

I think management’s right. You should go back out on the road. I will be back. Not in the near future, unless someone suddenly recognizes me. I don’t think it’s going to happen. I don’t really think black hair is my color, but it keeps the fans away. Sort of a girl repellant if you know what I mean.

Sorry I didn’t email sooner, but I didn’t know quite what to say to you. Thanks for the ‘N SYNC update Jace. ‘Perciate it.

Well, I gotta go… Laura (really hot chick) is calling my name. We’re going to go wander the docks.

Peace and Hair Grease. J

"Black hair?" Lance said.

JC shrugged. "Who knows how much of this is actually true. He obviously doesn’t want us to find him."

"Black hair?" Lance asked again.

"I know," JC said. "Scary."

Lance sighed suddenly. "He wants us to go back on the road."

"It’s what he said to do in his original letter," JC said. "Do we follow his wishes?"

Lance shrugged again. His brain was reeling. It looked like sleep would be an impossibility tonight.

Justin lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. Sleep wasn’t coming.

He turned on the light on the nightstand and pulled out his journal. Uncapping a pen he began writing for the second time that day.

I just lied to my friends. How could I lie to them? Why did I do it?

Because I want to preserve whatever normalcy I can. Can I ever be normal though?

I’m trying. Does it justify lying though? I mean black hair, seeing the docks, girls?

I guess so. I don’t want to be found, not yet. I just want a little longer.

Just a little longer.

He shut the book and turned off the light again. Sleep still wouldn’t come.

Quietly he got out of bed and tiptoed down the hallway to Maggie’s room. He knocked on the door quietly. It was late; she wouldn’t be up.

"Yeah?" a soft voice called.

Justin opened the door and saw the girl lying in bed. He walked over to her and sat on the edge of the mattress.

"This is going to sound really weird," Justin said quietly. His voice seemed loud in the dark."

"Anything would sound weird at 1:00," Maggie said. "Go for it."

"Can I have a hug?" Justin asked.

Maggie looked slightly surprised, but it was hard to tell in the heavy shadows. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Justin.

With a muffled sob his arms flew around her. The tears he didn’t know he needed to shed started falling.

"Shh…" she whispered. "What’s the matter? It’ll be okay."

Justin just clung to her. He closed his eyes and buried his face in her neck. He memorized the feel of having someone’s hand softly rubbing his back and of having arms wrapped around him.

"It’s okay," Maggie said again. "It’ll all be okay. I promise."