Wednesday, November 29, 2000: JC's Apartment, Orlando, FL

JC sat down at his computer. He’d told the rest of the guys about the phone call, and that he was sure it was Justin. He’d called the phone company to try to get the records for the day before, but they’d said his invoice would be in the mail Friday.

Now he had to email Justin. He wanted to ask about the phone call, see if it was really him, but he knew Justin would deny it. Justin wasn’t stupid.

And maybe it had just been some fan.

Lance walked into the living room.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

JC turned towards his friend. "Emailing Justin. You want to help?"

Lance grabbed one of the dining room table chairs and brought it over to the computer. He sat in it backwards.

"You going to ask about the phone call?" Lance asked.

JC shook his head. "He’ll just deny it anyway. Better to not mention it. It’ll get him wondering."

Lance nodded.

JC stared at Justin’s previous email. His fingers rested on the keys and slowly he began to type.

Friday, December 1, 2000

Justin trotted down the stairs towards the kitchen. He landed firmly at the bottom of the steps, his footfall making the dishes in the china cabinet rattle.

Maggie looked up from her place at the dining room table. Justin smiled and walked over to her. There was a newspaper spread out in front of her.

"Whachu reading?" Justin asked. He put his hands on the back of her chair and leaned over her shoulder.

"Job hunting," Maggie said with a slight wrinkle of her nose. "I need present money and some money to get me through the rest of the school year." She looked down at the paper and then back up at Justin. "Are you going to get a job over the break?"

Justin shrugged. "I’ll be having practice and stuff."

"That’s what, four hours a day?" Maggie said with a raised eyebrow. "Stu’s going to be working at the hotel again."

Justin nodded. Stu had said that. And if Maggie was going to be getting a job, well, he was going to be pretty lonely. But that brought up another question. How much longer was he planning on staying? It had been a month, almost. He didn’t know if he’d planned to stay as long as he already had. How much longer could he stay?

"Don’t we have to get to school?" he asked. Anything to keep his thoughts off that line.

Maggie sighed and closed the paper. "Please don’t make me go. I hate the last day before finals."

Justin closed his eyes and groaned. He’d been trying to repress the thought of finals all week, and with the win on Tuesday he’d been doing a pretty good job. He hadn’t even started studying though. It wasn’t going to be a fun weekend.

Swoosh

The ball went through the basket and the guys with jersey’s slapped hands all around. Justin rested his hands on his knees and leaned forward catching his breath.

"Next time Smith," Matt said as he walked by. He slapped Justin on the back and headed over towards the bleachers where the towels were.

"Guys," Coach called. "Can you come over here for a minute?"

Justin pried himself upright and followed the rest of the guys over to where Coach was standing.

"I don’t want to put a damper on things seeing as it is the weekend and all," Coach said. "And this’ll be the last weekend with no games in the coming week, but remember you all need to have a 2.0 average to play on the team. Don’t take your finals lightly okay? Study hard. I need all of you on the team when we start the season in January."

Justin swallowed. He hadn’t thought about maintaining a GPA to play on the team.

And was he going to be here in January?

The weekend was looking even less fun than it had before.

"What are you doing tonight?" Stu asked. He stuffed his sweaty shirt in his bag and pulled on a sweatshirt.

Justin looked up at Stu like he was crazy. "What do you mean what am I doing?" Justin asked. "Studying."

Stu raised an eyebrow. "It’s Friday night dude. You can’t study on a Friday."

"Watch me," Justin said. "You heard coach out there. I need to get at least a 2.0." He pulled his own sweatshirt over his head. It was dark already when they got out of practice and although it hadn’t snowed again, the wind was chilly.

"D, you’ve gotten nothing but A’s since you’ve been here. You’re cake." Stu began walking towards the gym door. Justin followed, pulling his bag out of his locker.

"I’m also missing the first two thirds of the term," Justin said. They walked out of the school and started down the empty road.

"Come on D," Stu said. "A group of us are going to go play pool downtown. You gotta come."

"I don’t know man," Justin said. "I’m not really big on pool. I suck actually."

"Okay now you’ve got to come," Stu said. "Randy Smith sucks at something. This I got to see. You can sing, dance, play ball, get straight A’s… I was beginning to think you were perfect."

Justin had stopped listening back at the word ‘sing.’ His blood ran cold. "How do you know I can sing?" His voice wavered as he asked. It was all over. The game was up.

Stu gave him an odd look. "You were singing along to the radio in the car the other night."

Justin felt relief wash over him. Stu didn’t know. He was safe. But it brought back the annoying, nagging worry that one day it would all be over. One day someone would realize. The question came back to plague him again. When was he going to go back?

"Yeah man, count me in," Justin said. He had to get his fill of normalcy while he still could.

"Bring Mags and Emily too, why doncha?" Stu said with a slightly knowing smile.

"Oh I see," Justin laughed. "You’re just using me to get the ladies."

"It’s my grand master plan," Stu said. "I was beginning to wonder how long it was going to take you to figure it out."

The two guys laughed together as they continued down the dark, cold street.

Justin pushed the on key on his laptop. He hadn’t been brave enough to turn it on since he’d sent the last email. He knew that if he did turn it on, he’d have to check his email.

And he didn’t want to check his email. The guys would have emailed back and he’d lied to him and they’d bought his lies. And he was going to have to keep on lying.

He hated that. But he had to check sometime.

He clicked on the browser and tapped his finger on the mouse pad as it loaded. He went to the email and typed his password. Sure enough, he had mail. It was only one message, and it wasn’t from Lance. It was from JC. And it was long. Another guilt trip. It had been sent on Wednesday, the day after the phone call... He clicked to open it.
 

Hey Curly…

None of us really knew what to say after your last letter. Sounds like you’re having a great time and are getting to do things we don’t get to do anymore. I’m envious. Part of me wants to be there with you, but that sort of defeats the purpose of running-away, I guess. The rest of me just wants you back here.

I figured I’d send you the now weekly update. Tell you how things have been going here and whatnot.

But first… Your mother is driving us up the wall! We each get a call a day and Johnny gets at least five. You might want to drop her a note or something. Get her off our backs… hint, hint… but I’m not going to tell you what to do. You’re out on your own now.
 

We all thought you might come back for Thanksgiving, or call at least. At least I thought so. Or maybe an email, or something. Everyone went home. (My family says hi by the way.) I came back on Friday and Lance came back on Monday. He’s finally to the point in his life where his parents are getting on his nerves. Justin, our little boy is all grown up! *sniff, sniff* (Ouch! He just poked me!) He’s been crashing at my place until the other’s get back. Then he’ll go to Joey’s probably since my apartment wasn’t really built to accommodate two. I think Joey and Chris are coming back tomorrow. Yeah, Lance says that’s right.

You’re missing out on a lot here bro. Joey says the screenplay is in its final rewrite. THANK GOD. If I have to read Hilda’s part one more time… (Hilda’s the drag queen part that you were supposed to read, remember?) Remind me to kick your ass for leaving that for me to read, okay?

And Chris finally picked out his Spring line. Most of it’s passable, I guess. Not my style, but then again, I’m not Chris. Another THANK GOD here.

Lance has been working frantically on Free Lance. He’s left the room now so I can write that he’s been really boring. Really, really boring. He’s gotten Ryan in the studio and they’ve recorded a few songs. He’s pretty good, I guess. (Ouch? Lance is back. I just got slapped upside the head for the boring comment. He says to tell you that I’ve been just as boring sitting at my keyboard all day, but you know me Bro. Am I ever boring?)

And I’m still working on my song. There’s something that’s just not quite right. Lance says it’s all good, but… I can’t put my finger on it. I wish you were here, ‘cause I know you could help me with whatever it is.

I guess that’s about it. We’re still fighting JIVE on the whole tour thing. I’m not sure how much longer we can put them off…

Luv ya bro. Josh

Justin closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. He never should have answered Lance’s first email. He never should have written that group email after JC’s last one.

He quit the browser taking the letter off the screen. He couldn’t answer the letter. Not now.

He wanted to tell them all about the game on Tuesday and how they’d won and how he’d gotten an A on his story for English. He wanted to tell them about Stu and Maggie. They so seldom made friends outside the group. He wanted to ask if Britney had said anything about his disappearance. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t give them a clue. He couldn’t miss them.

He got up from the chair and walked down the small hallway to Maggie’s room. He knocked on the door and heard the quiet "come in."

"What are you doing tonight?" Justin asked as he leaned against the doorway. Maggie was curled up on her bed, a paperback book resting in her hands.

"I should be studying," she said. "But I’m going to be reading my non-school related Science Fiction novel instead. It’s tradition."

"Good, then you can come out with me," Justin said. He walked into the room and over to the bed, resting one knee on the mattress.

Maggie raised an eyebrow. "Where are we going?" Her voice sounded tight, but Justin ignored it.

"There’s a group of us going to play pool tonight," Justin said. "You should come."

"Like who?" Maggie asked. She scrunched up her cheek in uncertainty.

Justin began counting people off on his fingers, leaning slightly forward on the bed. "Stu and Matt and Brent and Kevin, so Amanda’s probably going since she and Kevin are attached at the lips."

"I don’t know Randy," Maggie said. "They aren’t really my crowd."

Justin scoffed. "You’ve eaten with me and Stu every day this week. Stu loves you. You could bring Emily too. The more the merrier."

Maggie twisted her lips, her sign that she was seriously thinking. "I’ll call her."

"Cool," Justin said. He pushed himself off the bed with his knee.

"Dinner!" Cathy called up the stairs.

Maggie laughed as Justin suddenly made a mad dash for the door. She got up and followed closely behind him.

"You do suck," Stu said as he watched the orange striped ball bounce back and forth across the table.

"I told you," Justin said. He stepped away from the table and balanced some of his weight on the pole. "I suck at pool."

Stu leaned forward and carefully lined up his shot. The ball missed the hole by an inch.

"So do I," Stu said. "But I’m winning. That’s something that never happens."

Justin turned around when he heard hysterical giggling. Maggie was bent over, supporting herself with the stick. Her face was red and her lips were pulled far apart in a smile. Justin couldn’t help but smile.

"I’m glad they came," Stu said.

"Me too," Justin said. "She needs to get out more."

"Well it seems to me that you’re taking care of that," Stu said. "I never saw her at a party before you moved here. And she was at the game."

"But she needs to get out more," Justin said.

Stu looked at Justin with an amused look on his face. "How long have you lived here now D?"

"A month," Justin said quietly. It had been a month. It didn’t seem like that long. Just like a week or two. But it also seemed like he’d lived there forever.

"There’s nothing to go out too," Stu said. "It’s Mill Fucking Creek. It’s boone-docks of Kansas."

"A club would do so well here," Justin said. "They’d make a million in the first month because everyone would be so anxious to go out."

He shouldn’t have mentioned clubbing because suddenly he wanted to go to a club more than anything else in the entire world.

"Clubbing," Stu said with a dream like expression on his face. "I remember what that was like. Haven’t been since I moved here."

"I used to go almost every weekend," Justin said. It was innocuous statement. Stu couldn’t read anything into it, could he?

"You must be so bored here," Stu said. "City boy like you, small town like this? At least I’m a small town guy at heart. It’s your turn by the way."

Justin leaned forward and tried to hit the white ball with the stick. The stick sailed right past. "God I suck." He tried again and managed to bounce the white ball off the wall and into the eight ball.

"Yeah you do," Stu agreed. "You know what we should do?"

"What?" Justin asked. He watched Stu hit the eight ball into a pocket. "Okay, no more pool for me."

"We should go to Wichita and go clubbing over break. My uncle has a house there. We’re all 18. We could do it."

"Sure," Justin said. "Sounds like fun."

He looked over to where Maggie, Emily and Amanda had started hitting random balls around the pool table. He tapped Maggie on the shoulder. "I’m going to jet. Are you ready to go?"

Maggie looked at the stick in her hands, and then at Emily.

"Sure. Let’s go. Bye girls."

Stu smiled after Justin as he and Maggie left. Emily came up to stand beside him.

"They’d make such a cute couple wouldn’t they?" Emily asked.

Stu nodded. "That they would."

Amanda walked up beside Emily. Kevin was attached to her hand. "We’re going to go."

"Okay," Stu said. He turned to Emily. "Do you want me to walk you home?"

"That’d be great," Emily said. She followed Stu out of the pool hall and down the street.

You know I can’t start writing a journal entry every time I get an email from the guys. I mean, how much of a whimp am I? To not even be able to email my best friends? I just need to lie some more. That’s it. Really.

Justin felt sick as he wrote those lines. He hated lying, it made him feel grungy and ill. But that’s what his whole life was based on now. Lies. Somehow it was different.

Why is it different when I tell people about ‘Randy Smith’? I mean, that’s lying too. But maybe its just story telling. I mean no one’s completely honest about their past, right?

He sighed.

The question now is how much longer am I going to stay. Tomorrow it’ll be a month. It feels like so much shorter and forever at the same time. I never expected for it to last this long. I want it to last for longer. It wasn’t fair to the guys for me to leave in the first place, but it’ll be even more unfair if I don’t come back until the end of the school year. If I get in to next term I know I’ll never be able to leave.

Winning that game was so much fun. It was like performing, except on a smaller scale. There were fans and they were cheering for me, but it was different. While on the court I might have been Randy Smith, but as soon as the game was done I was just Randy. They didn’t ask for my autograph, they didn’t follow me home.

It was nice.

I am so procrastinating right at the moment. I don’t want to answer the email. That’s my problem. Josh can just pull the guilt stick out and make me feel like, well, like it’s my fault. I mean, it is my fault, but…

Am I going to leave soon? I don’t know. I miss the guys. I really, really do. I can’t leave yet though. When I get back things are going to be so much worse. The fans will be twice as excited. Security won’t let me piss without one of them there. It’s going to suck ass. Ass, I tell you!

Okay, stop writing in this stupid journal and answer the email. I know I don’t have to, but I need to.

Justin got up off of his bed and walked over to his desk. He turned the computer on for the second time that day.
 

Hey Guys… Thanks for the weekly update, I guess. I wish I could give you the same, but that would tell you where I was, and god knows I can’t do that. Loved how the clues I dropped made it on to MTV within 24 hours. I could see the audience cringe at the thought of me with black hair. I cringe at the thought of me with black hair. But now I’m used to it and all.

Things are going really well here. Life is good and I’m happier than I have been for months. Can you believe it’s been a month? I’ve seen a part of life that I never knew existed.

Glad to hear that the screenplay is almost done. Glad to know I won’t have to read Helga’s part EVER. Sorry Josh, I never meant to leave that for you to do. I can’t wait to see the Spring line Chris. I’m sure it will be as crazy as ever. Lance, don’t work too hard dude. You’re only 21. You’re supposed to be drinking it up! We all know that I am :) But I am being good, really. I swear. Okay, that makes it sound like I’m lying, which I’m not.

Josh, wish I could help you with the song bro. I can’t wait to hear it when I get back. I guess that brings back the ever present question. When am I coming back? I wish I could tell you. It’ll either be soon or not for quite awhile. I don’t know which way I’m leaning right at the moment. I’ve made some… commitments?… that I’m not sure if I can get out of. I’m not sure I want to get out of them.

I guess I’ll talk to you next week.

Peace, Justin.

He’d done it. He didn’t lie. He didn’t tell the truth. It was perfect.

Now, if only he could figure out when he was going to go back.

JC's Apartment: Saturday, December 2, 2000

"I am going to kick his fucking ass!" Chris said as he got out of the chair in front of JC’s computer. "Commitments? He has a fucking commitment to us which has been going on a hell of a lot longer than that commitment fucking has." He began pacing the room.

"We have to find him before you can kick his ass," Joey said. He was sprawled across one of the chairs in JC’s living room. His legs were propped over the arm and his head was lolling into the back.

"How the hell can Justin Timberlake just disappear for a month?" Chris continued. "I mean there is a reason we have body guards. There is a reason we’ve all had to buy new shirts and pants after run ins with fans. There is a reason none of us have left our houses with out bodyguards for years!"

"Justin’s determined," Lance said from his place at the dining room table. His head was resting on his crossed arms. "If he wants to do something he’ll do it. This wasn’t just a random ‘oh, let’s hop off the bus at 2 a.m.’ sort of thing. He’d planned it out."

"He can also act," JC said. He was resting his head on the music stand of the piano. "I mean, it’s not obvious from MMC or Model Behavior, but he can act."

Chris walked back towards the computer. "God!" he yelled. His voice quieted. "I hope he manages to stay lost because when we do find him, I’m going to kill him."

Joey was out of the chair faster than any of them knew he could move. He grabbed Chris by the collar and lifted him up onto his toes.

"Don’t you dare say that. Don’t you even think it." He lifted Chris up even more. "None of us are ready for this to be over and without Justin we are over. You don’t want us to be over, do you Chris?"

Joey let Chris go and the older man stumbled back into the chair by the computer. He rubbed his neck as he sat down.

"Sorry," he muttered. "No, I don’t want us to be over."

Joey began pacing the room. He stopped by the window. "Are we all in agreement that we aren’t going back out without Justin?"

The other three guys nodded.

"I know I want this group to go on forever as much as any of the rest of you guys," Joey said. He looked out the window before continuing. "But we aren’t ‘N SYNC without Justin. If they make us go back on the road without him I will quit."

"Me too," Lance said. "It won’t be right unless there are five of us."

"We’ve all got other careers," JC said. "We’d be okay."

Chris just sat at the computer. ‘N SYNC had been his dream and it was falling apart around him. All because of one…

"We’ll survive," he said.

The rest of the guys noticed the tears in his eyes. Joey was about to say something, but Chris turned to the computer. He pressed reply on the email.
 

When I see you again Curly, be prepared for a big hug and then an ass whoopin’ you won’t forget. Luv ya bro. CK.