Monday, December 4, 2000

Justin tapped his pen against his lips. His eyes were trained on the history book in front of him. It was 5:30 in the morning. He’d been up for about half an hour. He was lost in the world of FDR when there was a knock on his door.

He jumped, as the world came crashing back down around him. "Yeah?" he called.

The door opened and Maggie peered in. "Randy, it’s 5:30. What are you doing up?"

"Got history at eight," Justin said. "I should ask you the same question."

"I got up to go to the bathroom," Maggie said. "I saw the light on under your door."

"I’ve been up since five," Justin said. He yawned and ran a hand over his eyes. "I studied so hard for calculus last night that I didn’t have time to review history."

"Cramming isn’t good Randy, don’t you know that?"

Justin shrugged. "It’s better than hardly studying at all."

Maggie stepped into the room. She was dressed in a bathrobe and bunny slippers.

"Are you telling me that this whole weekend when you only left this room to eat and play ball you didn’t study for history at all?"

"One word Mags," Justin said. "Calculus— the class that’s going to kick my ass."

Maggie shook her head. "Well, I’ll let you get back to your cramming. Just remember to stop at seven, okay? Anything you study one hour before the test will only confuse you."

"Okay mom," Justin said with a smile. Maggie rolled her eyes and walked back out of the room. Justin turned back to his book. Only another hour and a half of studying before he had to stop. That’d be enough. Really.

Justin sat down at the dining room table. In one hand he was holding a bowl filled with cereal. In the other hand was the box of generic flakes. The milk and cream were already on the table.

"Good morning again," he said to the girl sitting across from him. She had a physics book open in front of her.

"Morning," Maggie said. She didn’t look up at the book.

"I thought you weren’t supposed to cram," Justin said with a quick smile.

"It’s not cramming," Maggie said defensively. "It’s called studying for your ten thirty final."

Justin nodded. "And how is that any different than me studying at five for the eight o’clock final?"

Maggie shrugged. "It just is."

Justin took a heaping spoonful of cereal and shoved it in his mouth. A dribble of milk spilled down his cheek. Justin wiped it away.

"Hungry?" Maggie asked as she looked up from the book.

Justin nodded. "Need brain food you know."

Maggie shook her head and looked down at the book again.

"Did I mention that I’m glad I’m not taking physics?" Justin asked.

Maggie looked at him again and glared.

"Sorry," Justin said. "Am I disturbing you?"

Maggie strengthened her glare and then turned back to the book. Justin smirked as he finished off the bowl of cereal. He debated pouring himself another bowl. He looked at his watch.

"Hey Maggie," he whispered.

"What?" she asked. She didn’t even look up from the book.

"It’s time to go to school, but if you want I could just leave without you."

Maggie jumped and looked at her watch. "Shit," she said quietly. The physics book went into the backpack that was lying next to her on the table. "Let’s go get this over with."

Justin nodded and grabbed the bag beside him.

Finals week, here he came.

"That wasn’t so bad," Justin said as he and Stu pulled off their practice shirts. It was three o’clock. Practice had been moved up to match the finals’ schedule.

"Wait until Thursday," Stu said. "Your brain will feel like jello and you’ll wish that you’d never been born."

"But you get out of school at 12:30," Justin said. "How can that be a bad thing?"

Stu shrugged. "From a person who’s done this before, trust me. You’ll be glad it’s over."

Justin nodded and bent over to tie his shoes. "So you’re starting at the hotel again, right?"

"Yup," Stu said. "Monday."

"Fun," Justin said. He began to tie the other shoe.

"Are you getting a job?" Stu asked. He got up from the wooden bench.

"I haven’t decided yet," Justin said. "I might. I just, I don’t know."

Stu looked at him with a solid expression. The same one he’d had before the basketball game and when he’d mentioned Justin’s singing.

"Are you going to go back to your parents for Christmas?"

Justin looked up startled. It was almost as if Stu were reading his thoughts— but only the ones he didn’t want read. Stu knew he’d run away.

"I don’t know," Justin said slowly. "I haven’t decided yet." He got up from the bench and slung his bag over his shoulder. He walked with Stu out the door of the gym.

They were both silent as they walked down the street. Finally Stu sighed heavily and stopped.

"Randy, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

Justin nodded. "What do you want me to say Stu?"

"I know who you are Justin," Stu said quietly. The name sounded foreign coming off his tongue. "I know you’re Justin Timberlake."

For the second time that week Justin felt the familiar coldness come back. "How?"

"My sister pointed out your picture in the paper. It was just after I found out your name was really Justin."

Justin looked around the street for a bench. He had to sit down. His eyes focused on the church’s playground. He began walking towards the log benches that surrounded the sandbox. The grass crunched beneath his feet as he walked over it. He could hear Stu following behind him.

Justin sat on the bench and looked at his hands. "Does anyone else know?"

Stu shook his head. "Not that I know of."

"It’s over then, isn’t it?" Justin asked. He looked at Stu. "You’re going to call the hotline and turn me in."

Stu smiled briefly. "Randy, I’ve known who you are for three weeks. Why would I decide to turn you in now?"

"Why didn’t you say anything before?" Justin asked. "I mean, you’ve known all this time."

"You told me you were escaping," Stu said. "Who am I to interfere?"

"But I’m Justin Timberlake." Justin said his name softly, as if it burned his lips. "You should have called."

"You may be him," Stu said as he looked around the playground. A mother and her toddler were walking past. "But you obviously ran away for a reason. Not that I understand, really. I mean you have girls fawning over you, Britney at your beck and call, millions of girls screaming your name…"

Justin snorted. "It’s not that great, believe me."

"Do you want to tell me why you really ran away?" Stu said. "None of this needing to escape stuff."

"It got to be too much," Justin said. He looked at Stu again. "It’s hard for someone to imagine probably. People envy my life, but what they don’t understand is that I don’t have a life. I can’t talk to a girl without my name being linked to her. I can’t greet a fan without her drooling and telling me she wants to marry me. I don’t have any ‘close’ friends. They’ve either become star struck or they’ve turned their backs on me because I’ve sold out. You sure you want to hear this?"

Stu nodded. "I want to know you Randy. You’re my best friend bro. I want to know who you are."

Justin grinned slightly. "I didn’t have anyone to relate to," he said. "The guys are all older than me. I mean everyone thinks that Josh and I are best friends or that Lance and I are tight or something. And we are, but there’s a five year difference between me and Josh, and Lance is just a workaholic. And Britney. God I liked her. And we kissed once. And then the whole engagement thing came out and she pulled away completely. She seems to think that if we’re seen together, or we’re talking or something people are going to think we’re planning our wedding. Let me tell you, that talk screws up friendships faster than you can say ‘it’s not true!’"

Stu put a hand lightly on Justin’s shoulder. "So what pushed you over the edge?"

Justin shrugged. "I don’t know. It was everything. Britney, and the tour. God, the tour." Justin propped his elbows on his knees and leaned his head on his clenched fists. "There were the fans… I love every single one of them, believe me. Without them, none of this would have happened. And it’s a good thing, even though I ran away. There were the signs, the pledges of undying love, the twelve year-olds clawing my arms trying to get me to smile at them. I started to get a reputation as standoffish because I couldn’t have a real conversation with anyone. I didn’t want to hear the girls who thought they knew me so well tell me that they had done anything and everything to meet me. I mean, I’m just a regular guy." He muffled a sob and swallowed hard. He couldn’t cry. Not about this.

"You are bro," Stu said quietly.

"I lost it," Justin continued. "It was starting to affect my performance. I was screwing up steps and I never screw up steps. My mother was on my case about that and that I was getting that standoffish reputation. ‘You have to appreciate the fans Justin. None of this would have happened without them.’" Justin raised his voice doing an impression of his mother. "The guys were starting to act like their stage personalities. It happens every tour. We’re in the spotlight 24/7, and we start to keep the masks up all the time. I can’t relate to them with their masks though. They’re strictly performers. They aren’t my friends anymore."

Stu leaned over and put an arm around Justin. He gave him a squeeze and then let him continue his story.

"So I decided to leave. It wasn’t that hard actually. I thought at day or two would do it, you know? Just a chance to be me, be on my own. A little vacation. Then on a whim I decided to register for school in case the guys didn’t find me. And then I moved into Maggie’s… If it weren’t for the team though I probably would have left by now… and you and Mags. You two were the first people to like me for me in years."

"I can’t imagine life without you here Justin," Stu said. His tongue stumbled over the name again.

"I don’t want to go back," Justin said. "Going back means more of the tour and the questions and dealing with management, and my mother. God, my mother."

Stu didn’t know what to say. "Well, why can’t you stay?"

"You figured out who I am," Justin said.

"Three weeks ago when the name Justin Timberlake was on everyone’s lips. No one thinks you’re in Kansas anymore."

"JIVE is trying to make the guys go back on tour. They’re refusing to go without me."

Stu nodded. "What would ‘N SYNC be without Justin Timberlake?" he asked.

"Just SYNC," Justin said. "I’m the first ‘N’ because my mom made up the name."

Stu laughed. He got up off the bench. "We should probably get home."

Justin nodded and got up. "Thanks for listening to me man."

"If you ever need to talk dude, I’ll listen." Stu clapped him on the back again. "Justin?"

"Yeah?"

"You’re always going to be Randy to me."

"Not Justin Timberlake?" Justin asked.

"Who?" Stu asked as he raised his eyebrows in a mock innocent look.

"Exactly," Justin said. He laughed genuinely for what felt like the first time in months.

Bob unfolded his hands from saying grace and began passing the food dishes around.

"So Maggie, have you found a job yet?" he asked. He turned to his daughter and took the bowl of green beans from her hand. "Thank you."

"Not yet dad," Maggie said. She speared a piece of chicken and began cutting it into small bites.

"You’re running out of time Maggie," Bob said. "I’ve been telling you for weeks that you should be out looking for a job…"

"None were listed until last week dad," Maggie said. She grabbed a piece of bread from the basket at the center of the table. She glanced across the table at Justin. He was giving her a sympathetic look.

"That was last week," Bob said. "All the good jobs will be gone by now."

"Mrs. Milton said she might need a baby sitter again," Maggie said. There was a hint of desperation in her voice. She continued staring at her plate not wanting to look at her father.

"I saw the video store was hiring," Justin said quickly. "Two or three people I think. Some of their regulars are going away on vacation."

Maggie smiled at Justin gratefully.

"Is that where you’re going to apply Randy?" Cathy asked. She smiled at him. "Or are you going to go stay with your parents for Christmas?"

Justin swallowed. "I don’t know yet. I think my parents might be going out of the country for Christmas. They don’t know yet."

Cathy nodded. "What do your parents do again?" she asked.

Justin shrugged and tried to smile lightly. "I don’t really know. They own their own business and they travel a lot. That’s about all I can tell you."

Cathy smiled. "Well you’re welcome to stay with us for Christmas, isn’t that right Bob?"

Bob nodded. "How’s practice coming along Randy? Are you guys going to win any more games or was that just a fluke?"

Maggie smiled across the table at Justin. ‘Thank you’ she mouthed.

He smiled in return. "I think we’re going to do well," Justin said. "I haven’t personally seen any of the other teams play, but coach seems pretty confident."

Bob just shook his head. "I still don’t know about this Coach. If the old coach were still here, well let me tell you… you guys would be in the best shape of your lives."

Justin nodded politely. "This Coach is keeping us on our toes."

Bob sighed. He turned back to Maggie. "Are you going to get an application for the video store tomorrow? It’s probably already too late. You could talk to Sylvia though. I’ve been fixing her car for years."

"I’ll go talk to her tomorrow dad," Maggie said. "You going to come Randy?"

Justin looked at the people at the table with him. He finally shrugged his shoulders. "Sure."

He said he wasn’t going to turn me in and I believe him. He’s had ample opportunity. He was so cool about me just discovering myself. He even asked me why I had to go back. He doesn’t understand why. The guys are counting on me.

But I don’t want to leave. I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE! I like it here too much. The people are cool. I have real friends. Playing on the team is so… normal. And Maggie. I love her. Not like that. NOT LIKE THAT. She’s just so, real. It’s like the first time in years that I’ve just had a girl friend. One who I can be affectionate with and who doesn’t expect more and isn’t going to show up on the cover of the Enquirer the next day.

That smile. It just makes me feel warm inside. Her dad can be so hard on her. Tonight he went off about jobs. Last night it was grades. Like she’s not going to get into whatever school she wants. She gets freaking straight A’s. I tried to rescue her tonight, but I only ended up getting interrogated about the basketball team. Why does everyone hate coach?

I was talking about the fact that Stu knows though wasn’t I? It feels good to have someone know. But at the same time, if he knows who else could figure it out? I don’t want to go yet. There’s the basketball tourney next week and another one the week after.

Christmas would be the perfect time to leave though. There’s a convenient excuse. I’m going to go see my parents. I just never come back.

I can’t do that. I want to be here. I want to see us take State in basketball. Or at least have a winning season. I want to go to prom. I want to go to graduation. I want to take finals.

Okay, time to take my temperature. I just said that I wanted to take tests…

The door to Justin’s room opened. "Hey," Maggie said. She stepped into the room and closed to door.

Justin shut the book in front of him quickly. "What’s up?" He sat up from where he had been sprawled out on the bed and slid the journal underneath his pillow. He capped the pen and put it on the nightstand.

"Thank you for saving me from my father tonight," Maggie said with a laugh. She came over and sat on the bed. "You’re always writing in that thing." She looked at the pillow under which a corner of the journal peeked out.

"Lot’s of random thoughts floating through my head," Justin said. "It’s just become a habit to write in it all the time now. And no problem about your dad."

"You should totally apply at the video store too," Maggie said. "It would be so much fun."

Justin shrugged. "I don’t know. We have the tourney’s coming up and I haven’t decided if I’m going to see my parents for Christmas yet."

"I thought you said they might be going out of the country," Maggie said.

"I’ll have the choice of going with them," Justin said. "I just don’t like to travel much."

"Then you should stay with us," Maggie said. "You’re a part of the family now."

Justin grinned and looked down at the bedspread.

"You are," Maggie said. "I thought it was going to be awful having you live here, but now I’m glad you’re here."

"Who else would you pick on?" Justin asked with a smile.

"Exactly," Maggie said. She got up off the bed and walked back towards the door. "I’ll let you get back to studying or whatever you were doing."

Justin closed his eyes. Studying. He’d almost forgotten in the excitement of the day.

"I’d almost forgotten," he said with an exaggerated sigh.

Maggie laughed. "You are so funny." She walked out of the room and shut the door.

Justin pulled the journal back out. He leaned over to the nightstand and pulled the cap off the pen again. He sprawled out on the bed again.

Speaking of tests, I’ve got to go study for two more. Stu said I’d be tired of them by the end of the week. I’m sure I will… but I like getting out of school at 12:30.

You know how I was feeling so bad for lying to the guys? Well I just completely lied to Maggie about my parents.

I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

He closed the journal and walked back over to his desk, putting it in the drawer.

He pushed the on button on the computer and flipped open the book he was supposed to be writing a report on for English. He already had three pages done. Only two more to go.

Cake.