Friday, December 8, 2000

Justin rolled over underneath the covers of his bed. His eyes fluttered open on their own accord and blearily traveled to the red numbers on the alarm clock.

8:37

He smiled. He hadn’t slept that late in two weeks. It felt good to wake up on his own. Sort of an automatic mood booster.

He grabbed the pillow with his arms and burrowed his head into the firm fluffiness. His brain had managed to wake up though and there was only so long that he could lie in bed thinking mindless thoughts.

Justin swung his legs out of bed and mentally prepared himself for the icy shock of the floor. It wasn’t cold though. There was a huge difference in the temperature of the wood between 6:30 and 8:45. He liked it.

He stretched his arms above his head, relishing the pops he heard coming from his arms and back. His muscles were relaxed. It felt good to have nothing to do but relax and play ball for the next two weeks.

He scratched his chest and stood up from the bed. He looked in the mirror. The brown was starting to grow out of his hair. He would have to get it cut and re-dyed. That was a must— whether he decided to stay or not. Especially since one person now knew who he was.

Justin opened the door and trotted down the stairs. He moved through the dining room, blinking his eyes as the adjusted to the bright artificial light.

"Well look who’s finally up," Maggie said with a smile. Her left foot was propped on the chair and her chin was resting on her knee. Her hands held a book open in front of her.

"It’s only 8:45," Justin said. "I don’t have to be up for another 15 minutes."

Maggie wrinkled her nose in disgust and turned back to the paperback book in front of her.

"Like you’ve been up for so long," Justin retorted with a laugh. He headed into the kitchen and returned a minute later with a bowl in one hand and a box of cereal in the other.

"I have been," Maggie said. There was an indignant twist to her voice. "I’ve been up since seven."

Justin set the bowl on the table and filled it to the brim with cereal. He poured the milk over it slowly, careful not to spill any of it onto the table. He sat down and trained his gaze on Maggie.

"One question," Justin said. He shoved a spoonful of cereal in his mouth. He talked around it. "Why?"

"It’s my first day of work," Maggie said. "I didn’t want to be late." She closed the book and leaned toward Justin. "Some of us aren’t lucky enough to not have to work this break."

"I worked over the summer," Justin said. In truth he hadn’t thought it fair to apply for any job that he might only keep for two weeks. If he’d decided that he was staying it might have been a different story, but he still wasn’t sure.

Maggie nodded. "I still wish you’d applied. I could use the company."

"Well what time’s your lunch break?" Justin asked.

Maggie pursed her lips as if she were unsure of the answer. "One, I think."

Justin grinned. "I could drop by after practice."

Maggie smiled. "If you want to."

Justin couldn’t help but smile. "Of course I want to. I’m going to get lonely sitting here in the house all by myself. You’re working, Stu’s working, Emily’s babysitting…"

"You should have gotten a job," Maggie said. "Then you wouldn’t have this problem."

Justin shoved another spoonful of cereal in his mouth. "Don’t you have someplace to be?"

Maggie looked down at her watch. "Yeah." She sighed. "I should probably go."

"Have fun!" Justin said. "Bring home a good movie why don’t you."

"You can choose when you come get me for lunch," Maggie said. "See you at one. You are paying, right?"

"If you pay tomorrow," Justin said.

"Fair. I’ll see you later Randy." She slipped on her coat and gloves and left the house.

"Bye!" Justin called as loudly as he could. A silly grin was sitting on his face and he couldn’t quite wipe it off. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to wipe it off.

"So clubbing in Wichita," Stu said. "You still want to do it?"

"Sure," Justin said. They were walking down Main Street after practice. It felt like a weekend since there wasn’t any school before practice— and no homework to do afterward. "When are we going to go?"

"How about next Saturday?" Stu said. "We have that overnight tourney in Wichita anyway. Why not just go Saturday after everything is over? We can stay at my uncles that night and come back here Sunday."

"Sounds good," Justin said. "We inviting the girls?"

"Of course," Stu said. "We’d look desperate to the rest of the female population if we didn’t have some girls with us."

Justin laughed. "I’ll talk to Maggie about it at lunch."

"Lunch?" Stu asked.

Justin nodded. "I’m meeting her at one. She’s working so I told her I’d drop by and we’d do lunch."

"You aren’t going to have lunch with me?" Stu said. He put a hand to his lips in a mock-shocked look. "Sweetie, are you cheating on me with a, gasp, girl?"

"I’m sorry," Justin said with a smirk. "I just couldn’t help myself. Will you ever forgive me?"

Stu’s shoulders shook from laughter.

"You can come with us," Justin said. "I’m not paying for you though."

"You’re paying for her?" Stu asked. He raised an eyebrow.

"She’s paying tomorrow," Justin said.

"Tomorrow, huh?" Stu said. "I’d love to come, but work calls."

Justin shook his head. "Sucks to be you. Maybe I’ll drop by later."

"Do it," Stu said. "Lord knows I’ll be bored enough."

"See ya Bro," Justin said as he walked towards the video store. The door jingled as he entered. He looked around the store. Completely empty.

"You’re early," Maggie said from behind the counter. Her feet were propped up on the desk and the book was resting in her lap.

"Well practice is over at 12:30," Justin said. "It was pointless for me to walk halfway back to the house and then come back here."

Maggie nodded. "Sylvia should be back in about ten minutes. You should go browse for a movie to watch tonight."

"’K," Justin said. He began looking at the wall of new releases. He’d seen almost all of them with the guys over a month ago. He heard the door jingle behind him and a middle aged woman walked in. She stepped behind the counter. Justin had seen her around town but hadn’t associated her with the video store.

Maggie took off the store vest and grabbed her jacket. "You ready?"

Justin began walking towards her. "I couldn’t find anything. Why don’t you surprise me?"

"That’ll mean chick flick," Maggie said.

"Fine," Justin said. "I’ve suffered through more than my fair share of them. I can suffer through one more."

He pushed the door of the video store open for Maggie and followed her out.

It almost felt like second nature to Justin as he pushed the on button on the laptop. After a month of fearing to touch the thing he suddenly didn’t feel scared anymore. What could the guys really do except lay more guilt trips on him. He wasn’t falling for them and he didn’t intend to start falling for them anytime in the near future. Or the distant future for that matter.

The browser seemed to take less time to load and his fingers practically danced over the keys as he typed in his password. Sure enough there was one new email and it was from JC.

His blood ran cold as he read the subject though. "We’re not in Kansas anymore!"

With a trembling hand he moved the cursor over the email and clicked. He was scared now. Very scared. He swallowed hard as the email loaded on his screen. It took him five minutes to make it past the first sentence of the email.

His head fell to his arms as he slammed the computer shut. This wasn’t happening. Not now. At the time the phone call had seemed necessary, but now it just seemed stupid. They knew. And they were going to come get him.

He felt nauseous and realized it wasn’t just a feeling. He ran down the stairs toward the bathroom. He knelt in front of the toilet just in time. His entire lunch came back up. He rested his arms on the white porcelain and let his clammy forehead sit on them.

They’d given him twelve days. Any unsureness he’d been harboring was long gone. He didn’t want to go back. Twelve days wasn’t nearly long enough.

It was almost a sense of dejavu. Justin pushed the door to the motel open and grimaced as Stu jumped awake.

"Hey man," Stu said. He took his feet off the desk and looked at Justin happily. He noticed Justin didn’t look happy in return. "What’s up?"

Justin looked around the deserted office. He lowered his voice to a whisper anyway. "They know," he said.

Stu looked confused for a moment. "Who knows?"

"They guys," Justin said. "I got an email. They know where I am. They’re giving me twelve days to go back."

Stu’s eyebrows knitted together. "Can I read it?" He moved his hand over the mouse of the ancient computer. "We have an Internet hookup here."

Justin crawled over the desk and went to the keyboard of the computer. He went to his email program and typed in his password. He brought the message up on the screen.

 
Hey Curly…

I guess I’ve got to ask this… how’s Kansas? Snowy at this time of year? You’ve never had much experience with snow have you?

We know you’re there Justin… phone bills tell where incoming calls are from, doncha know? Funny how that works. Using the payphone didn’t throw us off.

I hate to do this to you bro, but I’ve got to. We’re going back on tour the second week of January. Management’s orders. We know where you are now. We can come and get you anytime. We got moved to the compound today to start practice. I suggest you give up this game and come back. You don’t want to head out on tour cold do you? We’ll give you until the 20th to come back to us without a big media circus. If you aren’t here then we’ll come get you with every reporter we can lay our hands on in tow.

You opened this email to get the group update though didn’t you… Joey sent his screenplay off. No more drag queens for me. Lance is continuing to be boring. Chris is ready to kick your ass. I’m still writing new songs. Just finished one yesterday. Not the song I want to look over with you though. I guess we’ll be doing that soon huh?

Well, I gotta go. Talk to you soon in person bro. Enjoy your last days of freedom while you still can.

Josh

"They don’t mention Mill Creek," Stu said. He read over the email again as Justin looked sadly on. "You called them?"

Justin nodded. The sick feeling was coming back to his stomach. "It was before the game. I was freaking out. Josh is the only one who can calm me down. I didn’t talk to him, I hung up when he asked if it was me."

Stu stared at his friend. "Was it worth it?"

Justin shrugged. "At the time it seemed like it was."

"Do you think they’re bluffing?" Stu asked. "They could be trying to psyche you out. Plan one obviously wasn’t working."

Justin shook his head. "Josh doesn’t bluff."

"Well maybe one of the other guys wrote it for him," Stu said. "Maybe they just signed his name."

Again Justin shook his head. "It sounds like Josh when he’s pissed. I’ve been on the wrong side of his anger a whole bunch of times. I know what it sounds like."

Stu looked at the email again. "They don’t mention Mill Creek," he said again. "They know you’re in Kansas, or were in Kansas, but there are a hell of a lot of small towns in Kansas. You could be in any one of them."

"They know," Justin said. "I don’t think they’d bluff over this. And the media? They know that’s my weak spot."

"What are you going to do?" Stu asked.

Justin shrugged. "I don’t know."

"You could pretend you don’t know what they’re talking about," Stu said. "Tell’em you’ve moved or something."

"I could," Justin said. "They wouldn’t believe me though. They know I’ve lied already." He smiled briefly and noticed Stu’s confused expression. "I told them I died my hair black and I was in a city with docks."

Stu began laughing. "Black? Oh my god, I would pay to see that. You know you should do that right before you go back. Make it really permanent too."

Justin couldn’t help but laugh. He sobered quickly though. "When I go back?"

"Well you don’t seem too keen on doing anything to prevent them finding you," Stu said.

"I don’t want to go back," Justin hissed. "I want to stay here. I just don’t think I have a choice anymore."

"You always have a choice," Stu said. "They think you’re in Kansas now. What if you left—" Stu looked over his shoulder. A rustling of papers could be heard in the back office. "That was a really awesome pass you made to me today."

"Yeah," Justin said loudly. "Well that three point shot you made was what won it for us."

The manager of the hotel came out the door behind the desk. He looked at Stu and then at Justin. He stuck his hand out toward Justin.

"Randy Smith, I don’t think we’ve met. Stan White."

Justin gripped the man’s hand. "Good to meet you sir."

"I saw the way you handled the other team last week. We’re very lucky you came to our school. If Josh had thrown his tantrum and you hadn’t been here…"

Justin smiled wanly. "I’m just happy to be playing."

"Well Stu?" Stan said as he turned towards the other teen. "I’m going to be heading out for dinner."

"Okay," Stu said.

"Nice to meet you Randy," Stan said. He walked back to the back office.

Justin and Stu sat in silence until they heard the door close at the back of the hotel.

"What were we saying?" Stu asked. "Oh yeah. They think you’re in Kansas. What if you weren’t?"

"What do you mean?" Justin asked.

"You’ve supposedly been traipsing around the country for the last five weeks. You could start now."

Justin nodded. "But if I start traipsing around the country I’ll have a greater chance of someone recognizing me."

"Just say you aren’t him," Stu said.

Justin snorted. "Doesn’t work. Trust me."

"You have to decide what you want to do Randy," Stu said. "You can either sit here and wait for them to come get you, or you can run and know that eventually some crazed teenage girl will figure out who you are. Don’t you think we should call their bluff though? Send the obligatory ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ email?"

Justin nodded. "You want to help?"

"Sure," Stu said. He scooted over and let Justin get behind the keyboard. He watched as Justin typed in the other guys email addresses. "I should be writing these down. I could get so much money for these, not to mention undying worship from my little sister. She’d do anything I wanted her to for the rest of her life."

Justin looked at Stu from one corner of his eye.

"Sorry," Stu laughed. He held his hands up in a weak imitation of defense.

Justin began typing the note.
 

Dearest Joshua, James, Joseph and Christopher (and Jonathon too— since I’m sure he’ll be reading this as well),

You’re right! I’m not in Kansas anymore. I left the day after you so nicely dropped me off in the middle of nowhere. You guys know me, why would I stay in Kansas? From the little part I saw five weeks ago and from the previous times we’ve driven through it just looks like a whole bunch of farms. Why would I stay on a farm?

"There’s nothing wrong with farms," Stu said.

"I know," Justin said. "It’s just that before I came here I was, what did you call me? A big city boy?"

"You still are," Stu said.

 
That brings me to the second point of consternation in your email. You said I called you? Why would I do something that stupid? I’m trying to hide guys, that doesn’t include calling you and telling you where I am.

Which brings me to the third thing. You suddenly seem to think that I’ve ‘settled’ somewhere. I’m guessing you got that from my talk of commitments in my last email. I guess you’re right. I have ‘settled’ but it was really stupid of you to tell me you were going to come get me and give me a date to be back by. I may have settled, I may have put down roots, but I can leave. I’m not in Kansas so I’m not worried, but if you had pinpointed where I was, I’d just leave and lose myself again.

And fourthly. I was going to come back. I’d begun preparing myself to come back. Leave here for Christmas and never come back. Sorry guys, you made me realize I couldn’t leave. I’m not ready to go back. This is the vacation I needed. It’s the vacation we all needed.

So I guess I only have one more thing to say. Happy Hunting! Why don’t you tell me how Kansas weather is at this time of year?

Justin

Justin looked at Stu. "That okay?"

Stu shrugged. "It sounds like you’re bullshitting, but it’s calling their bluff."

"I don’t want to go back," Justin said. "I really, really, really don’t want to go back."

"I know Bro," Stu said. He gave Justin’s shoulder a manly squeeze.

Justin stared at wall of his room. He’d memorized the imperfections in the plaster. When he closed his eyes he could still see the white wall, gray in the dusky light with the ten cracks.

His head was resting on a pillow and his teddy bear was clutched tightly in his arms. The pillowcase was damp beneath his head. Tears had been sporadically falling down his cheeks for the last two hours. He lifted an arm to wipe them harshly away.

There was a hesitant knock on his door.

Justin sat up and ran a hand over his face again. "Yeah?" His voice cracked.

Maggie came into the room. She had a smile on her face when she entered but it disappeared quickly. "What’s wrong Randy?"

"I don’t know," Justin whispered. She’d already seen him cry once in the month that he’d been living there. He supposed it didn’t matter if she’d seen him again. Maggie sat down on the bed beside him.

"Yes you do," Maggie said. "Tell me what’s wrong."

Justin shrugged. "It’s nothing."

"Randy," Maggie growled. She put a hand on his arm. He moved his arm so her hand slipped down and rested in his hand. He intertwined their fingers. Maggie stopped talking.

"Things just caught up with me, I guess," Justin said. He rubbed his thumb across the top of their hands.

Maggie swallowed. "Well, I got a movie if you wanted to watch it."

"Chick flick?" Justin asked.

Maggie nodded. "Dream for an Insomniac. You ever see it?"

Justin shook his head. "Never even heard of it."

"It was straight to video. It looked cute."

Justin smiled. "Sounds good." He waited for Maggie to stand up, but when she didn’t he got up. Their hands were still woven together. He slowly let her fingers go. He walked quickly to the door. "I get the couch!"

"No you don’t!" Maggie said. "I got the movie, I get the couch."

"We’ll see about that," Justin said. He took off down the stairs with Maggie right on his heels.