Sunday, December 17, 2000

Justin walked into the office of the motel. Stu was sitting behind the desk, headphones covering his ears, moving his head in time to the unheard beat. He smiled as he leaned his elbows on the counter, leaning towards his friend. Stu opened his eyes and jumped as he saw Justin’s face right there.

"Shit dude," Stu said with a nervous laugh. "You scared me."

Justin grinned before hopping over the counter. "What if I’d been an actual customer?"

"What actual customers?" Stu asked.

Justin looked at the peg board on the back wall and saw that all the keys were there were hanging on their respective hooks. "Business is slow?"

Stu nodded. "No one comes to Mill Creek during Christmas. Anyone who leaves stays gone."

Justin grimaced. "I don’t want to leave," he said quietly.

"So you’re going?" Stu asked.

Justin nodded. "I’m going to email them and tell them I’ll be back on Wednesday. That’s why I’m here. I don’t think I can write it myself."

Stu pushed on the ground with his feet and sent his chair rolling towards the computer. He turned on the Internet.

"Did you ever check to see if they emailed back?"

Justin shook his head. "I haven’t wanted to. I mean what difference is it really going to make."

"Maybe they gave up," Stu said with a small hint of hope in his voice.

Justin just laughed. He went to the email program and typed in his password. Sure enough there was a new message in his box. He ignored it and went straight to the new message button.

"You aren’t going to read it?" Stu asked.

"What’s the point?" Justin asked. "They’re just going to call my bluff."

"Do you want me to read it for you?" Stu asked. "It might have good news."

Justin shrugged but he closed the new message and clicked on the inbox. He put his head in his hands as Stu opened the message.
 

Dear Justin,

You say that we know you, that you’d never stay in Kansas… we don’t know you anymore Curly. You’re not the same guy you were when this group formed. You aren’t the same guy you were even a year ago. We don’t know you, thus we have every right to believe you’re still in Kansas.

We need you back here J… Things are falling apart. Chris is losing it. We’re starting to fight. We’ve never fought. We need you back.

And we will get you back. There’s someone with you whose keeping us informed. It took us long enough to find you, we weren’t going to let you slip through our fingers again.

The guys

Stu looked at Justin. His friend had turned an ashen color.

"See," Justin said. "I don’t have a choice. I can’t even run anymore."

Stu looked back at the screen. "These guys are bastards." Out of the corner of his eye he saw Justin flinch. "I mean really Justin," he paused. "Don’t they understand where you were coming from."

Justin nodded. "They do, but they never acted on it. They have every right to be pissed."

Stu leaned back in his chair. "If it were my friend I wouldn’t be raking him over the coals. I’d be supportive."

"It’s not that simple," Justin said. "If it were just me that this affected then it would be okay. They’d be supportive and all that shit, but it’s not. My choice made a decision in their careers too. It was selfish and greedy on my part. It was what I had to do though."

"So this is really it, isn’t it?" Stu asked. He looked down at his hands.

Justin nodded. "You going to help me compose this letter?"

Stu scooted over to let Justin at the keyboard. "I’d keep it short."

Justin rested his fingers on the keyboard. He typed slowly, trying to draw out the reality of the message as long as possible.
 

Hey Guys…

You win. I’ll be back on the 20th.

J

"I think that does it," Stu said quietly.

Justin pulled his sweatshirt on over his head. It was his comfort. He gripped the shirt with his fingers, pulling the sleeves down over his fists. He sat down on the bed and looked around the room. It had been good to have a place to call home, that he’d been able to decorate himself. It had been good to have the same bed every night.

It was good to have his best friend right down the hall from him. He got up off the bed and walked down the hall towards her room.

"Maggie?" He knocked on the door gently.

"Yeah?" Maggie said from inside the room. The light was off under the door.

Justin swallowed before pushing the door to the room open. He didn’t know how to tell her he was leaving for sure.

"Hey," he said. He closed the door behind him and walked over to the bed, lying down on the opposite side from her. The stars were the only light in the room.

"Hey," Maggie smiled sleepily. "What’s up?" She rolled over on her side so she could look at him.

"You know how I told you I might be going back home for Christmas?" Justin said into the darkness.

Maggie nodded. The smile started falling off her face. She sounded more awake. "You’re leaving?"

"I don’t have a choice anymore," Justin said quietly. "You don’t know how much I want to stay."

"So stay," Maggie said. "You can stay. We’ll figure out a way."

"It’s not that simple," Justin said. "I want to stay so badly, but I can’t. If I leave here I can’t come back."

"What do you mean?" Maggie said. "Of course you can come back."

Justin shook his head. "It’s nothing. It just wouldn’t be the same because… just because."

Maggie rolled over on to her back again. "So when are you leaving?"

"Tuesday," Justin said. He could feel Maggie cringe beside him.

"This Tuesday?" Maggie asked. "Like, as in two days from now?"

Justin nodded. "They said I needed to be back on Wednesday or they’re coming to get me."

"I don’t understand Randy," Maggie said. She looked at Justin with watery eyes. "You’ll still keep in touch, right?"

"Of course," Justin lied. Once he left he could never come back. Maggie wouldn’t want to keep in touch with him— not if she knew the whole truth.

"What am I going to do without you right down the hall?" Maggie asked. Her voice cracked. "I don’t want you to go."

Justin put a hand on her bare arm and pulled her over to him. He nuzzled his nose into her hair. "We still have two days."

He could feel the girl nod onto his chest.

"Could I stay here tonight?" he asked softly. "I really don’t feel like being alone in my room tonight…" he trailed off. It sounded like a bad pick up line. But Maggie nodded and he rolled them over so his arm was draped over her side, holding her close.

"Set the alarm," Maggie said. "I don’t want my parents to know."

Justin nodded and rolled back over setting the alarm for 6:30. It didn’t really matter now that he was leaving, but he wanted to be as comfortable around Cathy and Bob as possible in the next two days.

"Goodnight Mags," Justin whispered in Maggie’s ear.

"Goodnight Randy."

Justin knew they both lay there awake most of the night.

‘N SYNC Compound: Monday, December 18, 2000

Lance woke up to a furious pounding on his door. "LANCE!" He glared at the clock. 2:15. To goddamn early to wake up unless there was a nuclear war.

"What?" he called out irritably.

Joey opened the door. There was a bottle of champagne in his hand. "HE’S COMING BACK!"

Lance sat straight up in bed. "He’s what? When?"

"Wednesday," Joey said. He took a swig out of the bottle and walked into the room handing the bottle to Lance. "Josh just got the email two minutes ago."

Lance looked at the bottle. There were only a few swallows of the bubbly liquid left in the bottom. "You drank all this in two minutes?"

Joey nodded. "We shared, Josh and me. Chris is on the phone with Dani." The grin wouldn’t leave his face. "Isn’t it great! He bought our bluff."

Lance nodded. Relief flooded his body. ‘N SYNC wasn’t over. They’d make it back on top and have several more successful years. "I can’t believe he’s coming back," Lance said in awe. He chugged the rest of the champagne. "Is there any more of this stuff?"

Joey nodded before grabbing Lance’s hand and pulling him out of bed. "We broke out a case. It’s a celebration."

"Does Johnny know?" Lance asked as he followed Joey down the hall.

Joey nodded. "Josh just called him. I never thought I’d live to see the day that he willingly called Johnny, but that’s okay."

Lance nodded. He was suddenly tackled from behind. JC landed on his back and wrapped his arms tightly around Lance’s neck.

"Isn’t it wonderful?" he screeched before letting go of Lance. He was bouncing up and down, living up to his spastic reputation.

Chris came out of his bedroom, a huge smile spread across his face. He clapped Lance on the back. "I told you he’d come back."

Lance smiled politely. He was thrilled that Justin was coming back, as much as any of the rest of the guys. They’d bluffed him though. Wasn’t it better if he came back on his own?

"No more four person ‘Bye, Bye, Bye,’" Joey said as he handed each of the guys their own bottle of champagne. "No more me singing Justin’s parts!"

The four guys raised their bottles and tapped the long necks together.

"To ‘N SYNC," Chris yelled.

"To ‘N SYNC," the other guys echoed.

Justin woke up to a persistent beeping. He was confused because his alarm didn’t beep, it played some awful country station. It was also too early. He felt like he hadn’t slept at all. He felt a person shift beside him and he remembered where he was. He rolled over and fumbled for the switch to turn the beeping off.

He had to get up so Maggie’s parents didn’t see him leaving her room. He leaned close to her ear. "I’m going to my room," he whispered.

Maggie mumbled sleepily and pulled a pillow close under her head.

Justin gritted his teeth as his bare feet hit the wooden floorboards. He gingerly walked to the door, feeling the icy burn on his feet. He placed his hand on the knob and looked back at the girl still asleep on his bed.

He opened the door and left the room.

"You ready?" Stu asked as he picked up the gym bag from the bench in front of him.

Justin shook his head, clearing his senses of the temporary stupor that had descended upon him. "You go on," he said. "I’ve got to talk to Coach."

Stu nodded with a sympathetic look on his face. "Drop by the motel when you’re done. We’ve got to plan something to do tonight."

Justin nodded and went back to slowly stuffing the bag in front of him. He stayed on the bench until he heard the last of the players leave. With a shaky breath he got up and went to the coaches office. He knocked gently on the door.

"Randy," Coach said. "What can I do for you?"

Justin took another deep breath and walked into the office. "I don’t know how to say this Coach…" he trailed off.

"What is it?" Coach asked with a concerned look on his face. "Is everything okay?"

"I’m leaving Coach," Justin said before he could lose his nerve.

"What?" Coach asked. His hands fell to the desk. "You’re leaving?"

"My parents…" Justin stumbled over the words. "My parents decided not to move into the area and they want me to go with them to the new place their moving."

Coach just stared at Justin. "I see."

"I would have told you sooner, but they just told me yesterday," Justin lied.

"I’m sorry to hear this Randy," Coach said. "You’re one of our best players."

"This past month has been one of my best," Justin said. "I want to stay, but you can understand…"

"Yeah," Coach said. "Family’s more important than basketball."

Justin nodded. "Thanks Coach."

Coach stuck out his hand and Justin grasped it firmly.

The smell of gasoline invaded Justin’s nose as he stepped into the auto shop. He peered under cars until he saw a familiar face.

"Josh?" he called.

The teen pushed himself out from under the car on the roller board. "Randy?" He sounded confused. "What are you doing here?" He sat up.

"I wanted to tell you," Justin felt his voice catch and started over again. "I’m leaving Mill Creek so if you want to go back to the team I won’t be there anymore."

Josh just stared at Justin. "What do you mean you’re leaving?"

"My parents decided to move somewhere else," Justin said. The lie was almost sounding natural.

"Oh," Josh said. "Thanks. I guess."

Justin nodded and began walking away from the car.

"Good luck Smith," Josh called.

Justin turned around and smiled. Josh smiled back.

"You and Coach were talking that long?" Stu asked as Justin walked into the office.

Justin shook his head and leaned against the counter. "I went to see Josh."

"Perkins?" Stu asked. His eyebrows were raised almost to his hairline. "Why?"

"To tell him I was leaving so he could go back to the team."

"We don’t need him," Stu said.

Justin laughed. "Yes you do. I’ve seen him shoot. He’s the best. You said so yourself."

"Well maybe we do," Stu said. "I’d rather have you here though."

"Believe me I’d rather be here." Justin looked around the office for perhaps the last time. "So you said we’re doing something tonight?"

Stu nodded. "Why don’t you come over to my house. Bring Mags and Emily. We’ll get the guys on the team and have you a good ol’ fashion going away party."

"We don’t have to do that…" Justin started.

Stu rolled his eyes. "Of course we don’t have to, but this is the last time you’ll be seeing these guys."

Justin stared at his friend for a few seconds. "Okay."

"Be there at nine," Stu said. "Make sure you drag Maggie along too. I wouldn’t want to separate you two on your last night together."

"What’s that supposed to mean?" Justin asked.

"Nothing," Stu said quickly. He crossed his fingers under the desk. "Absolutely nothing."

Justin gripped Maggie’s hand as they made their way up to Stu’s door. He didn’t know what it was but he just didn’t want to let go of her. He didn’t even bother to drop her hand when Stu opened the door.

"Hey," Stu said as he let them into the room.

Justin smiled weakly, but Maggie didn’t even pretend to look happy that they were there. Or maybe it was why they were there.

Matt and Brent were already sitting on Stu’s couch watching an old sitcom rerun on the TV. Kevin and Amanda were sitting on the easy chair, attached at the lips as always.

"We just hanging?" Justin asked as he and Maggie walked towards the kitchen.

Stu nodded. "There’s beer in the fridge if you want some."

Justin looked at Maggie who crinkled her cheek in uncertainty. She shrugged lightly. Justin headed to the kitchen as Maggie stood in the living room uncomfortably.

"You’re going to miss him aren’t you?" Stu asked.

Maggie nodded feeling the tears brim in her eyes. "He’s my best friend," she said quietly.

Stu put a hand on her shoulder in a comforting motion. "I’m still here," he said with a smile.

Maggie couldn’t help but grin. She smiled wider as Justin came back carrying two cans. He handed one to her and went over to the couch by Matt and Brent. Maggie curled up beside him on the floor.

Justin joined in laughing at the sitcom. It was his last night of normalcy. He was going to enjoy it if it killed him.

Tuesday, December 19, 2000

Justin gripped the suitcase tightly in his hand. His backpack was slung over both shoulders. It was a little heavier than it had been when he’d started the journey, but it wasn’t heavy.

The bus pulled into the station. Justin looked around at the empty terminal. He was the only one standing there. He’d come to the town in obscurity. He was going to leave in obscurity.

The driver got off the bus. "Denver?" he asked.

Justin nodded and handed the man both his ticket and his bag. He began to climb up the steps of the bus. He hadn’t wanted any tearful goodbye’s, but now he wished there was someone to say goodbye to.

"Randy Smith get off that bus right now!" a familiar voice came echoing through the empty streets.

Justin turned around on the steps and looked down the road. Emily was tearing towards him with Stu and Maggie close behind.

"How dare you leave here without saying goodbye to us," Emily continued as she slowed to a halt.

Justin couldn’t help but laugh. He’d wanted someone to say goodbye to.

"I didn’t want to cause a scene," he said lamely.

"You are such a dork," Emily said as she threw her arms around Justin’s neck giving him a tight squeeze. "You’d better stay in touch or else I will track you down and kick your ass. Don’t think I won’t!"

Justin smiled as he disentangled himself. "I’ll write, I promise," he lied. He turned to Stu and felt a small lump come to his throat. He was manly though. He wasn’t going to cry.

He pulled Stu into the manly backslapping hug. "Bye bro."

"You’d better write me," Stu said in his ear. "I do know where you live."

Justin grinned. He looked at Maggie and noticed her hugging herself. He gently placed his arms around her and swallowed when her arms flew around his chest.

"Bye," she whispered. He barely heard it.

"Bye," he said.

"You ready?" the bus driver called.

Justin pulled away from the smaller girl and nodded. He started up the steps again and gave a feeble wave.

He sat down in a window seat about halfway down the bus. He kept smiling at the three people on the platform even though he knew they couldn’t see him through the tinted glass.

"Bye, bye, bye," he whispered as the bus left the station. He kept his eyes forward. He couldn't look back.