Tuesday, December 19, 2000 (afternoon): 'N SYNC Compound

"He’s coming back?" Stacy asked over the phone. "That’s great Jimmy."

Lance cringed at the childhood nickname. He was Lance now, he would be for the rest of his life, but he couldn’t tell his sister not to call him James anymore.

"Yeah," Lance said. "It is."

The silence echoed around both of them for a few seconds.

"Okay James, what gives?" Stacy had always had the commanding tone that made Lance tell her whatever she wanted to know.

"I feel bad for him," Lance said. "I mean, he ran away for a reason, right?"

"Uh-huh," Stacy said.

"When he told us that he was coming back he phrased it ‘you win.’ It shouldn’t be about winning or losing. He should want to come back."

"I’m sure he does," Stacy said. "He just might not know it yet."

Lance raised an eyebrow even though he knew she couldn’t see it. "I don’t think so."

"Justin’s a performer," Stacy said. "He’s got to be in the spotlight."

"He’s hidden for over a month," Lance argued. "Do you know how hard it’s gotta be for him to hide?"

"You sound like you don’t want him to come back," Stacy said.

"I want him back," Lance said quickly. "I miss him so much I hardly know what to do. I want him to want to be back though. If he’s not happy it’s going to be the same as before he’s left."

"Okay," Stacy said slowly.

"The reason the guys want him back so badly is that they don’t want ‘N SYNC to end. I don’t either, but if we aren’t all happy doing it anymore then what’s the point."

"I see," Stacy said. "But he’s coming back."

"Yeah," Lance said.

"That says something James."

"I guess," Lance said. He sighed and closed his eyes.

Tuesday, December 19, 2000 (night): Denver International Airport

Justin Timberlake was virtually unrecognizable. His short brown hair was covered by a baseball hat and then a hooded sweatshirt. His piercing blue eyes were lost under brown contacts and covered by a pair of black sunglasses. He was folded into a cold, hard, plastic chair where he stared out the plate glass window overlooking the runways. It wasn’t hard to see that he was upset. The unmoving position of his head was the first clue, the taught muscles holding his neck still. The occasional sniffle could have been heard if anyone around him had stayed still long enough and the parts of his cheeks that showed from the sweatshirt hood were glossy with tears. His bottom lip was raw from the constantly being caught in between his teeth in an attempt to calm himself down. His arms were crossed across his chest, gripping the armrests tightly. He could still feel the solidity of the girl he’d hugged that morning on his chest, biceps and hands.

The hug had occurred over twelve hours earlier.

Finally moving, he reached towards the backpack that sat on the ground in front of him. He pulled the zipper slowly. There was no need to hurry. His flight wasn’t for another 4 hours. He pulled out the book that contained his thoughts and feelings for the previous year and opened it to a new page. He could hardly see the lines through his dark glasses.

God, Britney. I’ve got to go back to that whole mess now… It’s safe to say I don’t like her now. That I know for sure. But there’s going to be all the media speculation still. Someone’ll say we had a secret lover’s rendezvous. We ran away and got married. She had my illegitimate child. I don’t want to deal with Brit. I’m sure things will go back to the way they were. We’ll be best friends again.

I don’t want her for a best friend though. I want Maggie. Maggie.

Do you know I still feel the hug she gave me this morning? I’ve felt her in my arms for the past twelve hours. When I tried to go to sleep on the bus this morning it felt like she was there with me. When I woke, I thought she would have been there.

I won’t have that sort of friendship again— I can guarantee it. I am Justin Timberlake and no one can see past that. Well, no one but Stu I guess. He’s just da bomb like that. This is what I’ve waited my whole life for and now I have to give it up. I shouldn’t have to give it up. It’s my life and I should be able to do what I want with it. Don’t I have that right?

Justin chewed on his pen cap thoughtfully. He should have that right. This wasn’t a new thought in the past week, but it seemed much more real now that he was sitting in the airport waiting for his plane to Orlando. What if the guys were bluffing?

What if the guys are bluffing? What if they don’t really know where I am? Josh didn’t used to be able to bluff to save his life, but drastic measures call for drastic means… or something like that.

And the media will have a hey-day when I do finally come back. It won’t be any different than actually having them show up on my doorstep, will it? And I’d get some more time with my friends. And the truth would come out so I wouldn’t have to hide from Maggie anymore.

Maggie. He smiled sadly just at the thought of her. She’d become way too important to him in the last month and a half. She wasn’t like the girls he normally associated with. She was the type that was too shy to come up to him. She was the type that would be too intimidated by his celebrity status. She was the type he wanted in his life.

Stu and Emily seemed to think that Maggie and I would hook up. For awhile that thought seemed ludicrous. I was in Mill Creek to find me, not find some girl. But Maggie’s not just some girl. She’s so different and sweet and funny and real… The thought of us hooking up doesn’t seem ludicrous anymore. She’s the type I’ve always professed to want. Confident, well, sometimes. Funny, smart… Why didn’t we hook up?

Because her friendship was more important than a relationship that wouldn’t work out, dumbass.

Why wouldn’t it have worked out? He’d clicked with her as soon as she’d let him into her world. They were touchy and affectionate with each other. The whole town thought they were going out anyway. It wasn’t as if he weren’t attracted to her. He was. She was cute and fun… and unavailable to Justin Timberlake.

But now I don’t have anything.

But he could if he went back. He could have a few more days of friendship, and there was always the possibility that she wouldn’t freak out when the guys came to get him…

Okay, I just had the weirdest thought about going back to Mill Creek. I can’t go back now… I’ve already left… I can’t go back again…

But nothing had changed since he’d left that morning. They were the same people still. They were living in oblivion to his true identity. With any luck they would continue to live in that oblivion. He’d told the guys he was coming back to Florida so they wouldn’t have sent anyone to Mill Creek.

Or can I? I could go out as Randy Smith, high school student, basketball player, friend… boyfriend? I could tell Maggie how important she was to me. I didn’t do that before I left.

He wanted to go back. He didn’t want to get on the plane to Florida. He didn’t want to go back on stage. He didn’t want to hear girls screaming any name but Randy Smith. He wanted to play ball. He didn’t want to deal with the guy’s anger, the shouting, the practices…

Should I go back?

The reality of Justin’s life was bearing down on him again. It felt like he’d never left. The stress, his reality… it was the same as when he’d left.

There was one way he could really figure it out. He could talk to the guys. He’d know after hearing their voices. He could talk back this time because he wasn’t in Mill Creek. The homesickness for them would either swamp him or homesickness for Mill Creek would tear him apart.

Justin got up from his seat by the window, feeling his back and shoulders pop as he stood up. He stuffed the journal in his bag. His suitcase was by his side and he gripped it with a sweaty hand and throwing the backpack over his shoulder. He adjusted the hood on his head and walked to the nearest island of payphones. He dialed the calling card number he’d used on the road and then dialed Lance’s cell phone.

Lance would be the least likely to yell. Josh would scream, Chris would yell for sure and Joey would do that gruff shouting thing. He had the best chances with Lance. Besides Lance was the one he talked to whenever he had a major decision to make.

This was a major decision.

And after this phone call he’d know what he had to do.

Lance looked up suddenly from his paperwork as his cell phone began to ring. It was probably Ryan. They’d been having some trouble with his stuff in the studio and Ryan had been very distraught.

He stood up, walked to his desk and grabbed the phone. "Hello?"

"Lance?"

The voice was the same as Lance had remembered—a slightly nasally tenor range.

"Justin?" Lance asked. He suddenly felt faint and sat down on the bed. "Why are you calling me?"

"I don’t know," Justin said. There was a crackle of long distance. "You just seemed to be the one I should call."

"Okay," Lance said. He knew he should get the other guys, tell them that Justin was on the phone. "What’s up? Are you in trouble?"

There was a deep sigh on the other end of the phone. "No," Justin said softly. "I just don’t think I can do this. I can’t do this."

Lance nodded. He knew what Justin was talking about. "Why?"

That apparently hadn’t been the answer that Justin was expecting from the momentary pause on the other side of the connection.

"I don’t want to come back Lance."

"Why?" Lance asked again.

"I’m happy," Justin said finally. "I have friends here. And there’s this girl…"

Lance smiled despite himself. He remembered how happy Justin was whenever he found a girl he actually liked. She was always different than the rest of them. She liked him for him. This girl probably did.

"That’s great," Lance said.

"Why are you being so nice about this?" Justin asked. "You’re supposed to tell me to get my ass back there and stop killing the group."

"I admire you Justin," Lance said softly. He explained quickly. "I got into a huge fight with my parent’s about this over Thanksgiving. I told them I would have done the same thing long ago if I’d had enough courage."

"You would have?" Justin asked. His voice sounded awed. "I thought I was being a coward."

"You’ve never been a coward Curly," Lance said.

"But I’m killing the group," Justin said. "You guys are fighting…"

Lance didn’t know what to say. Justin was killing the group by not returning, but was their career more important than Justin’s sanity?

"Maybe ‘N SYNC was ready to be over anyway."

"No!" Justin said quickly. "Why don’t you guys just keep going?"

"It’s not right without you Justin," Lance said. "We don’t want to go without you."

Justin was silent and Lance heard a boarding call in the background. "You don’t want to be here do you?" he asked, filling the silence. He didn’t want to know where Justin was.

"No." Justin’s voice cracked. "You guys can’t understand, but I’m just a normal guy for the first time since I was like nine."

"I understand," Lance said. "The other guys might not, but I do. I was the normal guy, remember? A dork, but a normal guy."

Justin laughed. "You were a dork. My coolness apparently rubbed off on you."

Lance smiled despite himself. He took a deep breath. The rest of the guys were going to kill him for what he was about to say.

Justin continued before he could open his mouth. "I’m sorry Lance, but you guys are going to have to come get me. I can’t make myself leave."

"Justin?" Lance broke in.

"Yeah?" Justin asked. His voice had tensed suddenly.

"I want you to be happy Bro. I want you to come back when you’re ready. I want to apologize for thinking up that ‘Where in the World’ game."

"It’s okay," Justin said. His voice was still tense.

"We do need you here Justin, but you obviously ran away for a reason, right?"

"Yeah," Justin said. A guarded note had entered his voice.

"We don’t know where you are."

"What?" Justin asked.

"The only clue we got was from some random phone call," Lance said deliberately. "It was from a payphone in Madison County Kansas. Phone bills don’t get any more specific than that. You didn’t call, did you?"

"No," Justin said slowly and just as deliberately. "That was the thing that confused me in JC’s email. Why would I call?"

"That’s what I thought," Lance said. "I mean you’re out there on your own. Why would you call? And then why would you stay in a state like Kansas?"

"I know," Justin said with a laugh. "Can you just picture me on a farm?" He was silent for a few seconds. "I miss you Lance."

"Come back to us soon Justin, okay?"

"I will be back Lance."

"So we won’t expect you tomorrow?" Lance said.

"Nope," Justin said. "There are some things I’ve got to do first."

"Bye Justin," Lance said. He felt the tears well up in his eyes.

"Bye," Justin said. "Oh Lance?"

"Yeah?" Lance said.

"I’m not in Denver," Justin said with a laugh. He sounded so much happier. It made Lance smile to hear it. "Tell Josh that when he confiscates your phone bill."

"Okay," Lance said. "Make the most of this, okay?"

"I am," Justin said. "Believe me. I am."

Lance hung up the phone when he heard the dial tone in his ear. Why had he just done that? They could have had the group back together. They could have kept going. He pushed himself off the bed. He didn’t want to tell the guys. They weren’t going to be happy. He twisted his doorknob and pulled the door back into his room. His legs were shaky as he headed towards the common room.

Chris was sitting on the couch watching TV. Joey was working on a crossword puzzle at the dining room table.

"Where’s Josh?" Lance asked. His voice was as shaky as his legs.

Joey looked up and shrugged.

Chris didn’t take his eyes off the TV. "JAY-CEE!" he yelled.

JC came down the hall, a bounce in his step. "What?"

"You’d better sit down," Lance said. His voice cracked. He felt the coldness of nerves throughout his body.

Hearing the worry in their friend’s voice Chris turned off the TV and Joey came over to the sitting area. JC planted himself on the couch.

"What’s up?" JC asked. A frown was forming on his lips.

"I just got a call from Justin," Lance began. The three other men sat up suddenly, eyes wide.

"He’s here already?" JC asked hopefully. Chris and Joey brightened.

Lance bit his lip. "He’s not coming," he said. "He said he’s decided we’re bluffing and we’re going to have to drag him away kicking and screaming." Lance almost believed himself. There was a reason he was known as the premier bluffer in the group.

JC, Chris and Joey all turned ashen. Their faces lost all color and their hands fell to their sides completely useless.

Joey got up suddenly and kicked the chair he had been sitting in. "Fuck," he muttered. "Fuck it all."

Chris got off the couch and headed towards his room without looking at any of them

JC just studied Lance’s face like he knew something wasn’t quite right. "Is that all he said?"

Lance nodded and tried to form a weak smile, or a suitable impression of a weak smile. "That’s all he said."

Justin leaned against the counter at the bus depot. He was happier than he had been in a week.

"When’s the next bus to Mill Creek?" he asked. The grimy clock on the wall behind the desk showed the time to be 10:45. His plane had left 45 minutes ago. He’d never been so happy to miss a flight before.

"I’m sorry sir," the woman behind the counter said. "There aren’t any busses that pass through Mill Creek until tomorrow at noon."

Justin nodded. "It leaves here at noon?"

The woman nodded. "There’s a Motel 6 right there," she said pointing out the door. "You probably don’t want to spend the night here do you?"

Justin nodded his thanks and left the depot. He walked to the hotel and went into the office. It wasn’t nearly as friendly as Stu’s office. It didn’t have that home-like feeling.

"Hi," Justin said. "I’d like a single for tonight."

The middle aged man didn’t look up from the computer he was typing on. "Name."

"Smith," Justin said. "Randy Smith."

The man looked up. "You 18?"

Justin nodded and flashed his ID, real looking in the safety of his wallet.

"B12," the man said. "You going to pay now?"

Justin shrugged and pulled a few twenties out his wallet and handed them to the man. He waited patiently for the change. There was something so exciting about getting his own hotel room.

"Here you go. Go out the door and up the stairs."

"Thanks," Justin smiled. He palmed the suitcase handle again, heading out the squeaking door.

He trotted up the stairs and pushed the door to the room open. It was dingy, but for the price he paid he didn’t expect more. He dropped the suitcase by the door and the backpack on the bed. He went to the mirror and took the sunglasses from his eyes and pulled both the hood and the baseball hat from his head.

"You’re going home Smith," he said into the mirror. His eyes sparkled despite the colored contacts. His cheeks were warm with a happy flush. "You’re home free except for that stupid game."

Justin grimaced briefly. He should have told Lance to call off the game when he talked to him. He didn’t though and he wasn’t going to call back.

He could end the game once and for all if he really wanted to. He could go above the guys, above management and straight to MTV. The guys would be mad, but weren’t they furious enough already? He wanted to be free from everything. He had started over, but he’d been constantly paranoid. It would be a relief not to have that anymore.

"Carson," Justin said softly. He could get to MTV through Carson. Send a letter to Carson explaining everything. But why would they believe it was him? Justin went to his backpack and unzipped it, dumping the contents on the bed. He pulled out a gray velvet jewelry box. He opened it and smiled. The necklace was huge and gaudy, but it was part of what defined him as Justin Timberlake. There was only one like it in the world.

There would be no mistaking what he said in the letter or who sent it.

Justin quickly tore a page out of his journal, uncapped a pen with his teeth and began writing.