Thursday, December 21, 2000

Justin woke up to a familiar smell, a familiar light shining through the window, and a familiar weight cuddled up to his side. He woke up with a smile on his face. He ran his fingers through the hair of the girl sharing his pillow and smiled even more.

He felt good, elated even. Free. That was probably word he’d use to describe the euphoria sweeping his system.

He looked at the clock and noticed it was 6:30. He felt more awake than if he’d slept until 8 a.m. It was the first truly good night’s sleep he’d had since the day of that email— the email that had been a complete lie.

"What time is it?" Maggie asked quietly. She was looking up at his face blinking slowly.

"Early," Justin said. "I should probably go back to my room though."

"No," Maggie mumbled. She buried her face in his chest. "If I let you go and go back to sleep I’ll wake up and realize that this was all a dream."

"It’s not a dream," Justin said. She’d never looked more beautiful to him. "I’m not going anywhere."

"But I almost lost you," Maggie said. There was a tinge of fear in her voice. She looked up at Justin with trusting eyes. "My life has been different since you’ve been here Randy. Before I was Maggie Hunter, outcast from ‘the group’ in the school and then you came and everything changed." Her voice was soft and hesitant when she continued. "It’s like for the first time I actually mattered."

"You’ll always matter to me Mags," Justin said. His next move wasn’t prompted by lust, but by the need to reassure the girl in his arms that everything would be okay. He leaned down and kissed her forehead softly. The skin felt soft against his lips and he could faintly smell her shampoo from the day before.

Maggie raised her eyes to study Justin’s face. She had a serious expression on her face. Their eyes met and held, moving their lips closer together with nearly imperceptible movements.

It was a shock for Justin when their lips touched lightly, hesitantly. The contact was feather light, but he felt a jolt through his whole system. Their lips brushed again with slightly more pressure.

Maggie lowered her face and Justin kissed the top of her head again.

"I should go back to my room," he said after a few moments of silence.

Maggie didn’t voice her protest again.

When Justin walked into the dining room Maggie was already gone. The paper was open to the comics, a sure sign that she had been to the table already that morning. He walked to the kitchen and grabbed the box of cereal and the half and half from the refrigerator. He sat down at the table and pulled the paper over to him.

He could almost smell Maggie in the air: her shampoo, her body splash, the smell that defined Maggie in his mind. His lips still felt the soft strands of hair they’d touched that morning. He could almost feel the pressure of her lips against his if he thought about it hard enough.

It was a wonderful feeling, one that he hadn’t felt for ages. He knew there had been a good reason to come back.

 It was Lance’s turn to knock on JC’s door that morning. He could hear the sound of the keyboard through the walls and door of the room. He’d been hearing the constant picking of notes on the keys throughout the night.

There was no answer. He didn’t know why he’d expected there to be. Once JC entered his zone it was hard to penetrate his consciousness from the outside. Lance pushed the door open.

"Jayce?" he called softly as he walked into the room and shut the door. He saw JC jump in the chair in front of the keyboard in the corner of his room. The dark hair was pointing out in all different directions, a sure sign of fingers playing through it all night long. His face was pale and was covered with a light sheen of sweat. There were dark circles underneath his eyes. His fingers rested on the wrong chord on the keyboard and a dischordanant note rang throughout the room.

"Shit," JC said. He shook his head as if trying to clear it. "You scared me."

"Sorry," Lance said. "I was just getting worried about you. You’ve been up all night, haven’t you?"

JC looked at his watch and looked visibly startled at the time. "It’s eleven?"

Lance nodded with a slight grin on his lips. "We’re supposed to be ready to go in half an hour."

"I know," JC said with a sigh. He groaned. "Today is not going to be fun."

Lance looked at the pages resting on the music stand and the pieces of paper on the floor around the piano. "You done?"

JC picked up the music from the piano and held it lightly in his hands. He studied the first page, as if hearing the notes in his head. "I think so."

"Can I play it while you go get ready?"

JC looked about ready to say no and then changed his mind. He looked tired enough so that his emotions were playing visibly across his face. He handed the small stack of lined paper to Lance. "Knock yourself out."

Lance smiled and waited as JC got up from the chair and began walking towards the door. Lance sat down and rested the sheet music back on the music stand. His fingers rested on the keys as he prepared to play the first chord. When he heard the door close behind him he pushed all the notes together.

He wished he were good enough at sight reading to be able to sing at the same time.

Justin walked through the empty gym and made his way towards the locker room. The smell emanating from the walls was wonderfully familiar and brought back many fond memories. He couldn’t help but smile.

The light was on in Coaches office. He could see the thin beam coming from beneath the door. He dropped his bag on one of the varnished wooden benches and made his way slowly to the closed door. He knocked lightly and waited for an answer.

"Come in," the familiar deep voice called.

Justin turned the handle on the door and walked into the small cramped office. "Hey Coach."

The man looked up from some papers sitting on his desk. "Randy?"

"I came back," Justin said. "I talked to my parents and they decided to let me stay for the rest of the year."

"And you want back on the team," Coach said.

Justin nodded. "I didn’t want to leave before, but I didn’t think I really had a choice."

"You know Josh is back," Coach said.

Justin smiled inwardly. "I told him I was leaving before I left town."

"If you come back will the problems be back?" Coach asked.

"I won’t start anything," Justin said. He’d never started any of the problems with Josh.

"That’s all I can ask," Coach said. "I’m glad you’re back Randy. We need you."

"You need Josh too," Justin said.

"The point guard is more important than shooters," Coach said. "It’s the position that holds the rest of the game together."

Justin nodded. "Well, I’m going to go start warming up."

Coach smiled and nodded.

Justin headed back to the locker room shutting the office door behind him. He went to his locker and opened the cold metal door, shoving his jacket and sweatshirt into the space. He opened the zipper on his bag and pulled out his wife beater and shorts, slipping into both quickly. He walked to the ball basket by the door and grabbed the ball on top.

The leather felt real in his hands, stinging his palm with every dribble. He gripped the ball as he took a shot and the bumps on the surface provided the traction his fingers needed.

He smiled as the ball swooshed through the nylon ropes of the net.

He turned around as he heard the outer door to the gym close, curious as to whom he would have to explain himself first.

It was Josh and he didn’t look happy. He stopped and stared at Justin.

"What are you doing here?"

"I decided I didn’t want to leave," Justin said. His voice had taken on the hard edge he’d heard in Josh’s voice.

"And you’re still going to play?" Josh almost growled.

"It’s my team too," Justin said.

"It was my team first," Josh said. "I had everything planned out and then you had to show up out of thin air."

"Are you going to leave again?" Justin asked. "’Cause I’m sure as hell not going to."

Josh looked undecided. His muscles were tensed as if to stalk out the door.

"Wouldn’t you rather be the best shooter in the state than a mediocre point guard?" Justin asked. "Because that’s all you’d ever be."

"I would have been the best," Josh growled. He’d turned around and looked about ready to launch himself at Justin.

"We both know that’s bull," Justin said. "Look how you handled your dislike for me. You are the best shooter though. We could take State together Bro."

"I’m not your Bro," Josh spat. "Why are you so persistent in being nice to me? We’re never going to be friends Smith."

"I don’t care if we’re ever friends," Justin said. "I don’t want to be friends with you and I could have lived my life without ever knowing you. What I’m thinking of is the team. They need both of us."

Josh nodded slowly. The team did need them both. "I’ll only do what I think is best for the team."

Justin stuck out his hand. "We’ll work it out."

Josh slapped the preferred hand and their grips tightened.

Suddenly there was someone else in the gym with them, clapping noises echoing around the large room.

"That is a sight I never thought I’d see," Stu said as he walked towards the two guys. "You going to stay this time Josh?"

"I had to bow down to Coach," Josh said. "I’m not going to give up that easily."

"Good," Stu said. "We need you Perkins."

"I know," Josh said with a smile. "You need me if we want to win."

Justin tried to refrain from visibly biting his tongue, but he wasn’t successful.

"Well, that went well," Stu said as he and Justin walked down the street towards the video store.

Justin just laughed. "I don’t think there’s room for both of us on that team dude."

"Josh is just a little, well…" Stu trailed off, unsure of what to say.

"Leadership oriented?" Justin said. "My question is how did you two remain friends for so long?"

"No one better," Stu said with a laugh. "Josh is cool, but he rubs some people the wrong way."

"Like me," Justin said. He unclenched his fists, trying to calm himself down. "What I don’t get even more is how he and Maggie were friends. Or went out."

"That could be the problem dude," Stu said. "You’re getting everything he ever wanted. You got point-guard, you could have had Laura, you have Maggie resting in the palm of your hand…"

"She’s just so wonderful and he’s just a jerk," Justin said. They stopped in front of the video store. "I’ll see you later, okay?"

Stu nodded and kept walking down the street. Justin headed up the walkway toward the video store. The door jingled as he walked in.

"Hey," he said to the girl behind the desk.

Maggie looked up and smiled weakly. "Hey."

"You ready for lunch?" Justin asked.

Maggie looked down at the book in front of her. "I already went actually. I’m sorry."

"Oh," Justin felt the happy euphoria that had engulfed him all morning fall away. "Did your lunch time get changed?"

Maggie shook her head. "I didn’t eat breakfast this morning so I took an early break and got a snack. I’m not hungry now."

"But you could still come out with me," Justin protested. "I’ll buy you a shake or something hot."

"That’s okay," Maggie said. She chewed on her bottom lip softly, pulling it in between her teeth. "I’ll just go sit in the park or something."

Justin leaned over the desk. "Maggie, it’s below freezing outside."

"No it’s not," Maggie said. She looked out the window and saw the snow covering the trees and grassy areas. "It’s a few degrees above."

"Do you honestly not feel like doing something or is it just me that you’re trying to avoid?" Justin asked.

"I honestly—"

Maggie was interrupted as Sylvia came into the store and went behind the desk.

"Go out for lunch Maggie," the middle-aged lady said. "I won’t keep you guys here any later."

Maggie tried to look happy. It looked like a grimace. She walked out from behind the desk and out the door, Justin following closely on her heels. She was silent as she walked down the street.

"What did I do Maggie?" Justin asked. "I thought you were happy to have me back here."

"I am," Maggie said quickly. "It’s just, well, this morning…" she trailed off.

"What about it?" Justin asked. He should have known something would be wrong when she hadn’t protested his leaving her bed.

"Did you want to, um…" She looked beyond uncomfortable. She rushed on before she could stop herself. "Did you mean to kiss me or did it just happen?"

Justin stopped and looked at the girl a few steps ahead of him. "Did you want to?"

"It doesn’t matter what I want," Maggie said. "I asked you."

"I wanted to," Justin said softly. "You can’t pretend like it hasn’t been coming for a long time."

"It shouldn’t have happened," Maggie said. She swallowed and began walking towards the same park bench where Justin had told Stu who he really was.

"Okay," Justin said. "Why shouldn’t it have happened? I like you Maggie, and you didn’t protest this morning."

"You live with me Randy," Maggie said loudly, drawing the attention of a mother pushing a stroller to the playground. She lowered her voice. "Do you know how much my parent’s would freak over this?"

Justin nodded. The thought had crossed his mind briefly. "That can’t be the only reason."

"You’re such a good friend," Maggie said. She put a hand on Justin’s arm before she realized what she was doing. She withdrew it quickly, like she’d touched fire. "I don’t want to lose you as a friend."

"You won’t," Justin said.

"You can’t guarantee that," Maggie said. "Josh and I were friends and then we hooked up and look where we are. Same with Nick."

"I’m not them," Justin said. He scoffed lightly. "God knows, I’m not them."

"You’re a lot like the Josh from the early days," Maggie said. "Not the bastard he is now. I don’t want to lose you."

"I promise I won’t go anywhere," Justin said. He meant the words, but he couldn’t help but think of the guys and how he would have to go back eventually. "You can trust me on that." He reached for her hand.

Maggie stood up and began walking away from the bench. "It just wouldn’t be a smart move on either of our parts."

Justin stayed on the bench and stared after the girl walking away from him.

JC crashed onto the couch in the common room. He flipped the TV on in front of him, closing his eyes immediately. He had just begun to slip off into oblivion, when he heard someone sit in one of the chairs by the couch. He managed to pry his eyes open and look at the person.

Joey was looking at him with a contemplative look on his face.

"What?" JC asked. His voice sounded more tired than he’d thought.

Joey held up a stack of pages. "This is really good Josh."

JC squinted and saw the music lines on the paper. It was his song— Justin’s song. "Where’d you get that?" JC slurred.

"Lance," Joey said. "He was telling me we should record it."

"What good’s it going to do now?" JC asked.

Joey shrugged. "Maybe it would knock some sense into Justin, let him know that we’re going to keep going with or without him."

"That’s what he wanted in the first place," JC said. "That’s what he told us to do two months ago."

"We should have listened," Joey said. He held up the papers again. "So what do you say? Should we record it as the new single? We could dedicate it to Curly."

JC managed to push himself up to a sitting position, his muscles protesting the entire time. "We could do like a video of Justin clips to the words or something."

"That’s a really good idea," Joey said as he leaned forward eagerly.

"Does this mean we’re going to stay together?" JC asked. He was trying to wake himself up and wasn’t being entirely successful.

"I’m not ready to give up," Joey said. He grimaced playfully. "Even if I do have to sing Justin’s part."

"You’re doing good," JC said. "I wrote that part for you, not for Justin."

"Really?" Joey asked. His eyes had taken on a happy light. He hummed it lightly to himself and JC’s eyes began to fall closed again. "You should go to bed."

"Wha?" JC asked as his head jerked up. "Oh, yeah." He smiled sheepishly. "I should go to bed."

Joey got up from the chair with a smile on his face. "You going to make it back to your room okay?"

JC nodded. "Yeah."

"I’m going to go show this to Chris, okay?"

JC nodded again. He pushed himself off the couch and smiled at Joey before he sleepily stumbled down the hall.

Justin sat on his bed looking out the dark window. He could see himself reflected in the glass, the overhead light making a mirror out of the transparent pane.

He reached over to the bound book beside him. He opened it to the last filled page. The page he’d written in the Denver Airport. It seemed so long ago now, but it had only been two days.

He uncapped the pen with his teeth and spit the cap onto the bed beside him.

December 21, 2000

I think I made a mistake. I did something this morning that’s I guess I shouldn’t have done. I kissed Maggie.

I didn’t mean to, really. It just happened. She looked so beautiful lying there, her chin resting on my chest and her eyes staring up at me so trusting like. I couldn’t help myself.

I’ve never been able to help myself; I know that. The same thing happened with Britney. Well, she didn’t freak after the kiss, she freaked after the engagement thing. Before Britney I never cared whether things got awkward between me and the girl. At least then I just knew they were using me for my fame. Britney wouldn’t do that an Maggie doesn’t even know who I am.

I shouldn’t have done that this morning though. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I want to have not taken that step. I want to forget all about this morning.

I could go in and tell her that I made a mistake. That it was just impulse, stupid, you know, all that shit. If only I didn’t like her so much.

That’s what I’ll go do. I value her friendship more than anything. I need to tell her that.

Justin got off the bed and walked across the room to the door. He pulled it open and walked down the familiar short hallway to the room he considered his second home.

He knocked and then pushed the door open. He was going to tell her that it had meant nothing and he wasn’t going to give her a chance to not let him in. Well, lie and tell her that it had meant nothing.

"What?" Maggie asked when she saw him walk through her door.

"I wanted to apologize," Justin said. "For what happened this morning and this afternoon."

Maggie nodded and got up from her desk chair and moved toward the bed.

"You were right," Justin said. "It would be very stupid for us to hook up."

"Why are you saying that?" Maggie asked. She sounded slightly upset.

"For the reasons you said," Justin said. "Your parents, and risking a perfectly wonderful friendship."

"Oh," Maggie said.

"So can we just forget this morning and this afternoon?" Justin asked. He was pleading with his eyes for her to say yes.

"Yeah," Maggie said. She looked at Justin awkwardly. "Randy, it’s not that I don’t like you, because I do, I just…"

"I understand," Justin said. "We’d never work out anyway."

"Yeah," Maggie said. "So why should we even try?"

"Exactly," Justin said. "I’m glad we’re in agreement."

"Me too," Maggie said.

Justin looked away from Maggie. He could tell that she was upset by the way she was chewing on her lip. He wanted nothing more than to comfort her and take her in his arms, but he couldn’t not at this moment.

New York Central Post Office, New York City, NY

A small yellow package traveled down the conveyor belt of the post office underground. A hand pulled the package off the belt and dropped it in one of the ‘Downtown’ bins. Another package fell on top of it. Soon only three letters were visible. ‘JRT.’