Sunday, December 24, 2000

Justin was shivering when he woke up. He pulled the blankets up around his shoulders and huddled underneath them, trying to preserve some semblance of warmth.

It didn’t work. Shudders wracked his body again. He glared at the clock trying to read the red numbers through his sleep-blurred eyes.

8:27

While generally that was too early for him to willingly be awake on a Sunday— on a pseudo-holiday, none the less— it wasn’t too early for Maggie. Instantly he felt awake… and warm.

He pushed his feet out from under the covers and swore softly as the feel of the icy floorboards permeated his sock-covered feet. He made himself stand up and rubbed his arms briskly trying to create friction with the sweatshirt sleeves. He lightly stepped across the room and opened the door. A warm gust of air entered his room from the hallway that separated his room from Maggie’s. His eyes focused on the sliver of light coming from the cracked door. The yellow glow of a lamp was clear in the darker hallway. He took the few steps towards the doorway and stopped, knocking three times.

"Yeah," a voice called. Justin couldn’t help but smile. He pushed the door open and stepped into the room, shutting the door firmly behind him. He clicked the lock into place.

"Hey," Justin said. He walked over to the bed and sat down beside Maggie.

Maggie smiled at him, shyly almost. "It’s too early for you to be up." She rested a hand on his arm.

"You’re telling me," Justin said with a laugh. "I would still be asleep, but it was too cold and then I realized you were probably up…" he trailed off.

"It is cold," Maggie said. "Are you still cold?"

Justin looked at the blanket they were both sitting on and then at her. "Nope, I think it’s warmer in here."

"Probably," Maggie said. She looked at Justin again. Her eyes were warm and soft.

Justin lay down on the bed, curling an arm underneath his head. "Do you know how much I want to kiss you right now?"

Maggie blushed slightly, not used to the straightforward approach. "So what’s stopping you?"

Justin put his hand up to Maggie’s cheek and rubbed it softly. "The fact that you’re up there and I’m down here." Justin moved his hand down towards Maggie’s arm and rolled over on his back. He gently tugged Maggie towards him.

Maggie bent down and touched her lips lightly to Justin’s. She sat back up. "Is that what you wanted?"

Justin grinned. "Not exactly." He ran his hand back up Maggie’s arm and slipped it behind her neck. He gently pulled her down on top of him. His lips kissed her cheek, then the corner of her mouth and finally rested on her lips. He opened his mouth and let his tongue brush lightly across her closed lips. She opened them slightly allowing Justin’s tongue to probe her lips farther apart and enter her mouth.

"That’s more what I had in mind," Justin said as he ran his tongue across his own lips tasting Maggie on them.

Maggie nodded and rolled off of Justin keeping her head on his chest. She brought one hand up and rested it on his stomach, rubbing it lightly over the pilled sweatshirt.  "I’m glad you came back Randy," she said quietly.

"Me too," Justin said. He relished the feel of her hand lightly tracing patterns over his stomach. It had been too long since he’d experienced the feeling. Britney had been the last one to do— "Are we going to tell your parents soon?"

Justin felt Maggie tense against him.

"Why?" Maggie asked faintly. Her hand had stopped rubbing and she pulled it back to her side.

Justin didn’t know what to say. Their whole thing— whatever they had— was too new for him to know what to say.

Maggie struggled to sit up, resisting Justin’s hands trying to keep her next to him. "You don’t understand my father Randy. If he knew we’d done anything more than platonic living he’d throw you out of the house."

"I don’t want to have to pull away from you whenever your parents are in the same room," Justin said. "I want to be able to touch you if I want to."

"Can’t we just take it slow?" Maggie asked. Her voice was pleading and her lip was trembling. "This is why I was saying us was a mistake."

"We aren’t a mistake," Justin said quickly. He sat up quickly, balancing himself as he began to tip off the bed. He roughly put his hands behind Maggie’s head, winding his fingers in her hair and pulling her forward kissing her. "You agreed to give us a chance."

"I am giving us a chance," Maggie said before she pulled away from Justin. "Why did you have to kiss me the first time?" She ran a hand through her hair. "If you hadn’t I’d just be wondering what it was like to kiss you." She tentatively brought her hand to Justin’s face and ran the tips of her fingers across his lips.

"Isn’t the reality better than wondering?" Justin asked quietly.

Maggie nodded. "Can we just keep this on the DL around my parents a little longer. Let me ease my mom into it okay?"

Justin wrapped his arms around Maggie and kissed her forehead softly. "Whatever you want Mags."

Jackson Airport, Jackson, Mississippi

Lance walked out into the terminal of the airport. He wasn’t wearing a disguise. He didn’t need one. His hair was lying almost flat on his head, circles rested beneath his eyes and he was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. He didn’t look like the Lance the world had grown to love.

One person did recognize him though. The blond came dashing at him and wrapped her arms around the taller man.

"James!" Stacy whispered excitedly in Lance’s ear. "You’re actually here."

Lance held his sister in his arms and hugged her tightly. "I am. Finally."

"I was so disappointed when you said that you weren’t coming in yesterday." Stacy let go of her younger brother and linked arms with him, leading him towards the baggage claim.

"Business called," Lance said tiredly.

"Business always calls," Stacy said. "You never get to come home any more. You’d think that with this whole fiasco you would have been home more."

Lance pulled away from his sister. His voice was deadly quiet. "This ‘fiasco’ has pulled us closer together. We needed each other. Besides we had to get ready to go out without Justin."

"You guys aren’t really going to continue, are you?" Stacy asked as she watched Lance lift his bag from the baggage claim.

"Of course we are," Lance said. He slung the bag over his shoulder.

"But isn’t that sort of disrespectful to Justin?" Stacy asked.

Lance glared at his sister. "No. We’re going to respect his wishes, finally. We’ve got the MTV New Year’s thing and then a new single and then we’re probably going to go back out on tour."

Stacy looked at Lance. "It’s the end though, isn’t it?"

"No," Lance said. He began walking towards the exit for the airport. His stride was long and angry. "Maybe."

"Shouldn’t you just leave while you’re on top?" Stacy asked. "If you guys keep going and fail you’ll be on VH1 before you can say where is he now?"

"We’re failing now," Lance said. "We’re trying to make sure that if we do end we will be on top."

Justin leaned up against the counter of the motel. "You almost done here yet, Cross?"

Stu nodded and stood up. He walked over to the door behind the desk. "Stan, I’m leaving."

"Merry Christmas," Stan called from the back. He came out to the front as Stu ducked under the desk. "Merry Christmas to you too Randy."

"You too," Justin said with a smile and a slight wave of the hand. He walked toward the door of the motel office and felt Stu following behind him. The air was like a cold shower washing over him as he pushed the door of the office open.

"Wichita?" Stu asked as he twirled his car keys around his second finger. "I’ve heard of people procrastinating buying Christmas presents, but this has got to be the worst."

"I didn’t know I was going to be here," Justin protested. "I thought I’d be back in Florida." His voice fell to a whisper as he mentioned his home state.

"Well I’m not quite done either," Stu admitted as he slammed the door to the car closed and started the engine. "But I at least know what I want."

"I’ll know what I want," Justin said. "I just have to see it first."

The Chasez Residence, Baltimore, Maryland

JC turned the key in the door of his parent’s house. "Mom, Dad? Anyone?"

The house was silent and his voice echoed around the walls.

JC dropped his bag in the front hallway. He’d only needed one bag since he was only going to be there for a day and a half. At least he was home for Christmas. That was more than he could say some other years.

"Josh?" Karen Chasez came down the stairs. "I thought I heard someone down here."

"Yeah," JC said. "I was yelling."

Karen wrapped her arms around her son. "I’m glad you’re here Josh. I was worried I wouldn’t get to see you at all."

"I wouldn’t miss Christmas mom," JC said. "You know that."

"With everything that’s been going on," Karen said. She trailed off. "Have you heard anything?"

JC shook his head. "Lance sent him an email last night, but I don’t think he’s heard back yet."

"I just never imagined Justin would do something like that," Karen said. "But I’m sure you’ve been worrying about it enough. Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"

JC shook his head. Mentioning Justin had taken his appetite away. "No thanks. I’m going to go fiddle on my piano a little. There’s this song we’re recording next week and I need to get it perfect."

Karen nodded her head, a small frown on her lips. "Don’t build yourself up for disappointment honey. The group won’t be the same without Justin."

"You think I don’t know that?" JC asked. "You think I don’t know that our careers are dangling on the thinnest of threads— the emotional web of an 18 year old male?"

"I just don’t want to see you fail," Karen said.

"Life is made up of successes and failures," JC said. "We’ve had the success. Maybe it’s time to start encountering the failures." He turned and headed up the stairs without looking down at his mother.

Justin stood in the middle of Town Center West. His arms were crossed firmly over his chest and he was turning in a slow circle.

"What should I get her?" Justin asked Stu as he finished his rotation.

"I still say you get your picture at that poster shop and sign it," Stu said with a laugh.

"That’s just tacky," Justin said. "It needs to be simple."

"I don’t know," Stu said. "You know her a hell of a lot better than I do."

"But it’s times like these that I don’t know her at all," Justin said. "I’ve never had problems getting gifts before. I always gave jewelry because it was easy and there. Now I think it’s too extravagant for her."

"Think friends Randy," Stu said. "What would you get a female friend?"

Justin shrugged. "I don’t have that many female friends." He began walking towards a bookstore. "She likes to read. Maybe I’ll find something in here."

Stu gripped his bags in his hands and followed Justin into the store.

Joey’s Apartment, Orlando, FL

Joey looked at the Christmas tree sitting in his front window. He was holding a glass of eggnog in his hand— the drink was heavy on the brandy, light on the nog.

The tree was dry and scraggly. It was hard to find a fluffy tree on Christmas Eve, even if he was Joey Fatone.

The decorations were pitiful too. There were four red balls and two strings of tinsel. Colored lights flashed all over the short tree— too many lights for the size of the tree.

Presents were piled underneath the tree, but the present he wanted wasn’t there. It wouldn’t have fit under the tree anyway.

Joey smiled— an image of Justin with a big red bow around his neck filling his vision.

A brisk knock on the door startled Joey out of his reverie. He got up off the couch and set his drink down on the table. He stumbled slightly. There must have been more brandy in the first four eggnogs than he’d realized. His hand shook as he opened the door.

"Joe," a hearty voice said as Joey felt arms wrap around him.

"Steve-o," Joey said as he hugged his brother. "What are you doing here?"

"You think I’d let mom and dad take a trip to Florida without me?" Steve asked. "I don’t think so."

Joey let his brother in to the room and his father immediately stepped up to the doormat. Joseph Sr. gripped Joey’s hand tightly and issued a gruff hello.

Joey found himself looking down at his mother. She was standing there, so warm and friendly. He found that his lip was trembling, the alcohol bringing forth emotions he’d managed to keep submerged for so long. "Mommy?" Joey asked.

"Honey," his mother said. She wrapped her arms tightly around Joey’s neck, forcing her son to bend down to accommodate her shorter height.

Joey felt the tears coming to his eyes unwilled. "Please tell me it’s not over, mommy," Joey said. "Don’t let ‘N SYNC go away."

"Thanks for driving dude," Justin said as he opened the door to Stu’s Chevy.

"No problem man," Stu answered. "I’ll see you Tuesday, ‘k?"

"You bet," Justin said. He slammed the door to the car and stepped quickly towards the house. Yellow light glowed from the windows. He stomped up the stairs to the house shaking snow off his shoes. He held his breath as his hand gripped the doorknob and pushed the door open. He felt the hot air burn his face and his hands.

Cathy was standing at the kitchen sink washing some ears of corn. She smiled as Justin closed the door. "You’re just in time for dinner Randy."

"Great," Justin said. "Is there anything I can do?"

Cathy shook her head. "Go get warmed up. It’s getting colder out there."

"It is," Justin said. He shrugged out of his snow jacket and hung it up by the door. The melting snow was quickly forming a puddle by his feet. "It smells wonderful."

"Thank you Randy. Now go upstairs and get warmed up."

Justin headed towards the stairs and walked up them slowly, carefully quiet so he didn’t draw Maggie out into the hallway. He walked down to his room and opened the door. One of the floorboards creaked as he stepped into his room. Hurriedly he ran to his desk and shoved the small package into the top drawer. He didn’t hear footsteps coming towards his room so he was safe for the moment. He pushed the on button for the laptop and began rearranging papers in the drawer, trying to hide the present even more.

He sat down at his desk as the computer booted up. He hadn’t checked his email since he’d come back to Mill Creek. It was probably time for him to do that. And then he could spend the rest of the night with Maggie.

The email program was booted up before he expected it to be. He typed in his password and waited with slightly baited breath as the program searched for new messages. There was one and it was from Lance. Big surprise.
 

Hey Justin… Think maybe you could have told us you were sending a letter to MTV? Some warning might have been nice Bro. Anyway, to answer the burning questions I’m sure you have: the game is up, we’re announcing on TRL Tuesday, we had to sell our souls to MTV and the group is staying together.

I hope things are going well with you. I really do. Hope things are going good with that girl. If you feel like sharing details, I’d like to know. She must be special to have gotten this good a hold on you in this short amount of time. If you want to share anything I’ll keep it between us. You know you can trust me, right Justin?

Merry Christmas.

You’re in our thoughts.

Lance
 

He clicked reply.
 

Merry Christmas Lance… I’m sorry I didn’t give you any warning, but what should I have said. I’m sorry guys, I’m not only not coming back, but I’m going to end your game now too? I asked you guys to keep going and you didn’t listen. If I’d told you to end the game you know you wouldn’t have. This was the only way I could ensure that it would be over.

Things are going good here. They really are. And yes, this girl is special. I don’t think I can tell you about things now. I’ve spent so long trying to make sure that my two lives don’t mix… I’m not ready to mix them now. I’m sure you understand.

Tell the guys they’re in my thoughts.

Love you Bro. J
 

He got up from his chair and walked out of the room down the hall towards the room he wanted to be in more.

Danielle’s Apartment, New York City, NY

"So we’re going to keep going," Chris said as he gently ran his fingers through Danielle’s hair. "We’re going to announce Tuesday."

"You seem remarkably calm," Danielle said. She had her head resting in Chris’s lap and she was staring at the ceiling.

"I am," Chris said. "Finally I am."

"That’s good," Danielle said. "I was worried about you."

"You know, I’m not even mad anymore?" Chris said. "It’s become a determination thing. We’re going to make it back up there without Justin."

"You will," Danielle said. "But don’t forget Justin, okay?"

"We won’t," Chris said. "Our new single is going to be dedicated to him and the video’s going to be all about him."

"What are you going to do on tour?" Danielle asked. "You said Joey was singing Justin’s parts?"

Chris nodded.

"This is going to sound really cheesy," Danielle continued. "What if you did a tour of charity concerts. For services that help runaways."

Chris stopped stroking Danielle’s hair for a few moments. He didn’t say anything. He started running his fingers through the blond strands again.

"I know," Danielle said. "Too cheesy."

"No," Chris said quickly. "It’s a good idea. I’ll suggest it to the guys."

"You don’t have to," Danielle said. "It was just an idea."

"It was a very good idea," Chris said. "A very good one." He leaned down and tenderly kissed his girlfriend’s lips.

Justin could feel the warm body of the girl next to him in the backseat of the car without looking at her, but he couldn’t stop his head turning every few seconds to look at her. His hand rested on the middle of the seat cushion separating them. Her pinkie brushed against his and he felt her move her hand away quickly. He turned his head away, looking out the window at the passing buildings of the small down town as his hand instinctively moved towards hers, first brushing lightly against it and then gripping it gently in his.

Without looking at her he knew she turned to look at him and then looked down at their intertwined hands. He tightened his fingers briefly, squeezing her smaller hand in his.  He forced his head not to turn towards her. He focused on the back of the headrest on the seat in front of him. Specifically he focused his eyes on the man’s head sitting in the car seat in front of him.

He watched Bob’s head turn as he pulled the car into the church parking lot, the tires crunching over the gravel and ice slush mixture.

Justin closed his eyes briefly and mentally absorbed all the warmth from the constant gust of air flowing out of the heater vent. He knew that all the warmth would be lost as soon as he stepped out of the car into the below freezing air. The warmth left his body though as soon as Maggie let go of his hand and made a move to get out of the car.

He wanted nothing more than to walk toward the church holding Maggie’s hand, to proclaim to the world why he’d come back to Mill Creek instead of going back to the guys. She wouldn’t let him though. Not with her parents right there.

Desire flooded Justin’s senses as he forced himself to keep space between them as they walked beside Cathy and Bob. She was so close, yet so far away.

They walked into the church and slid into one of the cold wooden pews, Justin on the end and Maggie between him and Cathy. He sighed with relief as Maggie’s knee rested against his. It wasn’t the contact he wanted, the need to feel her lips against his, his lips touching the strands of her hair, their cold hands intertwined creating a warmth between them the warmest coat couldn’t hope to create, but it was contact and that was more important than anything.

He stared at the choir standing at the front of the church providing music for the midnight service. It seemed so homelike. He’d been stupid to think that he could drag himself away from this life willingly.

Justin looked over at Cathy and Bob who were both engrossed in the evening programs. Justin raised his arm tentatively and rested it along the back of the pew.

This was all he wanted for Christmas.