Monday, December 25, 2000

Justin cringed as a floorboard creaked beneath his sock-covered foot. He stood still about halfway down the staircase absolutely sure that someone would hear him and come see who was moving around the house at 4:30 in the morning. He gripped the banister tightly with his left hand while his right hand balanced a stack of three presents.

When he felt like no one was going to come investigate his nocturnal movements he started forward again, treading lightly down the remaining stairs. He stepped quietly onto the main floor of the house, careful not to let a heavy footfall betray his actions. He looked around the dark rooms and moved carefully toward the living room. The lights of the tree were off, but the gold tinsel gleamed silver in the cold moonlight.

Justin moved carefully to the tree and stuck the three presents underneath the branches. The pine needles pricked at his sweatshirt and their outdoorsy scent filled the air. Justin backed away from the tree and smiled. It was so normal and homey. Christmas day had usually been a day when he felt like he really was just Justin. He got to spend the day with family and he got to see his brothers. He wasn’t a superstar to them— he was just the older brother who happened to be away from home a lot.

Justin shivered unexpectedly. He rubbed his hands over his sweatshirt-clad arms and moved towards the window. Bending over he plugged the string of lights into the socket. Flashing rainbow colors reflected off the walls. Justin smiled and felt warmer. He backed towards the couch and sat down. His eyes were focused on the tree and the hundreds of flashing points of color reflecting off the windows and the sparkly ornaments.

Before Justin knew it he was laying down on the couch, his cheek buried in a pillow and the soft throw blanket pulled over his body. His eyes remained unblinking, absorbing the homey feeling. He felt content just to lie there. He felt a wetness fill his eye and blinked. The tear blurred his vision and he blinked again. There was no reason for him to cry.

Except that he was away from home, away from his mother, the guys, his father… his brothers.

"I am home," Justin whispered. "This is my home now."

Justin felt a soft touch on his arm, gently shaking him. He smiled sleepily keeping his eyes closed. This was how he was used to waking up on Christmas morning. His brothers would be up way early and they’d make sure that he was up so they could eat breakfast and open presents. It was fun to get his brothers frustrated though. He squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t wake up too soon.

"Randy?" a soft voice called, penetrating Justin’s brain. Why was Jonathon calling him Randy? And then he realized it wasn’t Jonathon calling his name. It was a feminine voice. "Randy?"

Justin blinked his eyes open and found himself looking into Maggie’s face.

"What are you doing out here?" Maggie asked. She was sitting in front of his body on the couch. "It’s only six thirty."

Justin struggled to sit up. He managed to pull himself halfway up before giving up and pulling Maggie down so she was looking at him. "I couldn’t sleep," Justin said. His voice was slurred with sleep. "What are you doing up?"

"I always get up early on Christmas," Maggie said. "Tradition. I like to sit and watch the tree."

"Oh," Justin said. He lifted his arm that was balancing her on the couch. "Here, turn around."

Maggie scrunched her eyebrows together, but rolled over so her back was pressed against Justin’s front.

"Now you can see the tree," Justin said as means of explanation. He dropped his arm and the blanket over Maggie and pulled her closer to him.

"My mom should be up soon," Maggie said. Her voice held a hint of warning, but she made no move to release herself from Justin’s grasp. "She has to get started on breakfast."

Justin shifted his head so that his cheek was pressed against Maggie’s hair. He lightly kissed her ear.  "Sound’s good," he whispered.

"It is good," Maggie said softly as Justin kissed her ear again and then her hair. "She makes everything."

Justin began rubbing his hand lightly across Maggie’s stomach. "Like what?"

Maggie shifted so that she was on her back and she could look at Justin. "Like pancakes and waffles and bacon…" She brought her lips up to Justin’s and stopped talking.

Justin moved his right hand so that it was on the other side of Maggie’s head. He could hear the soft sound of their lips meeting again and again in the semi-darkness of the dawn light. He pulled away and ran a hand lightly over Maggie’s cheek. "Merry Christmas Mags."

They were sitting on opposite sides of the couch when Cathy walked by on the way to the kitchen.

Justin leaned back in his chair and rested his hands on his stomach. He was amazed that he’d been able to eat as much food as he had. What was more amazing though was the amount of food still on the table. There were piles of pancakes, bowls of strawberry preserves, plates of bacon and sausage. There was at least as much food left as had been eaten.

When Maggie noticed that Justin had stopped eating she smiled widely. "Presents?" she asked happily.

Cathy shook her head with a smile. "You’ll never be too old for Christmas morning, will you?"

Maggie shook her head and her hair swung against her cheeks with the movement.

"Let me get the dishes cleaned up," Cathy said. "Then we can open presents."

Maggie pouted, but her lips soon formed a grin. "I’ll help."

Cathy smiled and got up, beginning to clear the dishes off the table. Justin managed to get out of his chair and pick up some of the dishes.

"Randy," Bob said suddenly. "Let Maggie take those. Come talk with me."

Justin looked at the older man. "Yes sir." He exchanged a worried look with Maggie and followed Bob out of the dining room.

"Sit down," Bob said as he sat on the living room couch. He moved his hand indicating that Justin should sit down on the other end of the couch.

Justin sat.

"How’s the team going?" Bob asked.

Justin looked at his hands. They were clenched tightly. Bob couldn’t have asked him out there just to talk about basketball. "Great," Justin answered with what he hoped was enthusiasm. "We’re going to do really well."

"That’s what I like to hear," Bob said with a gruff smile. "Our whole town couldn’t be happier that you came back. You’ve really turned the team around."

"We’ve all been working very hard," Justin said. His eyes were frantically searching Bob’s face for any sign that he was going to bring up Justin’s non-platonic interactions with his daughter.

"It’s paying off," Bob said. "To lose to Parker by that slim a margin? That’s nearly unheard of."

"We’ll beat them yet," Justin said fiercely. It was the norm to lose to Parker, but Justin had never walked on the side of normalcy.

"That would be a day of celebration in Mill Creek," Bob said. "Now are you and Josh getting along? I heard he almost threw another tantrum."

"We’re working together," Justin said. He started to relax against the arm of the couch. It looked like Bob really did just want to talk about basketball. "That’s more than could be said a month and a half ago."

"That boy needed to get some sense knocked into him," Bob said. "You know that he and Maggie used to date?"

Justin nodded, immediately tensing under Bob’s intense stare. "I think Maggie mentioned something about that."

"Have you found anyone?" Bob asked. "I heard something about you and that cheer leader?"

Justin closed his eyes for a brief instant. "Laura? No."

"Man to man, do you have your eye on anyone?" Bob was leaning forward towards Justin.

Justin swallowed. He couldn’t tell Bob for obvious reasons.

"Present time!" Maggie said as she bounced into the living room. She gave Justin a tight grin that told him she’d heard more of the conversation than she’d wanted to. "Are you going to pass them out dad?"

Bob pushed himself up off the couch. "Sure."

Maggie curled up in the recliner by Justin’s end of the couch.  "I love Christmas," she said quietly. Her eyes met Justin’s. "I hope you like what I got you."

"I’m sure I will," Justin said with a smile. He dropped his voice so it was barely a whisper. "How could I not?"

Maggie smiled as Bob deposited a small stack of presents by her chair. "Thanks!"

Justin noticed her eyes scanning the packages and rest on the one from him. She deliberately reached for one from her parents.

Justin was surprised when three presents descended to the couch beside him. He’d expected one or two.

Cathy came into the room and sat next to Justin on the couch. She smiled as he eyed the presents.

"Well aren’t you going to open them?" she asked.

"I was going to wait for you all," Justin said. He noticed that Maggie was already through two of the presents.

"It’s a free for all in our house," Cathy said. "Go on. Open them."

Justin picked up the first package. It was an extremely light box wrapped in shiny green paper. He flipped open the paper-tag on top and read the handwritten inscription. ‘Randy-Thank you for everything! You’ll never know how much it means to me.’ Then there was a heart and the name Maggie. Justin looked over at his girlfriend and smiled. He noticed that her eyes were trained nervously on him, specifically on the box in his lap. Slowly he peeled the tape away from the seams and opened the paper. There was a plain gray cardboard box inside and Justin opened the side. Inside the puff of tissue paper there was a noticeable shade of baby blue. He pulled away the paper and saw a North Carolina baseball hat. He looked at Maggie with a wide smile on his face.

"Thank you."

Maggie blushed. "You’re welcome. I wasn’t sure what to get you, but I knew you liked baseball hats and I saw that you had a pair of NC shorts so…" she trailed off redder than when she’d started.

"It’s perfect," Justin said. "Absolutely perfect."

Maggie looked down at her lap where she was holding Justin’s present.

Justin focused on the remaining box and envelope by him on the couch. He tore open the paper from a larger box and couldn’t help but smile when he saw the contents. He pulled out the bright, new flannel shirt.

Cathy was smiling proudly as he held the blue and black plaid shirt up.

"Thank you," Justin said. His other flannel shirt was getting a little worn from the constant wear and tear.

He grabbed the envelope and carefully tore the top open. Three tickets fell out into his hand.

"I didn’t know whether you were a Kansas State or a KU fan so I got tickets for that game," Bob said as he cleared his throat.

Justin smiled widely. "Thank you sir. I can’t wait." He looked at the date. It was for January. He’d still be in Mill Creek for sure.

Maggie had slowly been working the paper open on her gift. She pulled out a hard bound book and smiled widely. "Oh my gosh!" She held up the book for her parents to see. "It’s the new book. I didn’t even know it came out yet." She opened the cover to read the description and gasped. Justin looked down at his hands, clenching his jaw. The last part of the present had been a stupid idea. She was going to figure it out. Stu had insisted though.

"How did you get this?" Maggie asked. She held up the glossy 5x8 photograph of Justin Timberlake. A signature was scrawled across the bottom. "This is real pen, not one of those stamp things."

"I just saw it in the store and thought of you," Justin lied. He crossed his fingers loosely so it looked like he was just twisting them around.

"Oh my god," Maggie said. She held the photograph delicately in her hands and stared at it. "He is so hot."

Justin felt an unusual stirring in his blood. It was a stirring that he recognized as jealously. How could he be jealous of himself though?

Justin hid the frown that wanted to form on his lips by smiling exaggeratedly and leaning towards Maggie. "That’s what all the girls say."

"Look at this mom," Maggie said as she held up the picture. "It’s really signed by him."

Cathy nodded and smiled. "He really is a cutie."

Justin couldn’t stop the blush from forming on his cheeks so he picked up the three tickets to the basketball game carefully scrutinizing all the information emblazoned in print.

"I thought you could bring someone with us," Bob said, unknowingly relieving Justin from his embarrassment. "Or you can take two people and I’ll stay home."

"No sir," Justin said quickly. "You’re going."

Bob nodded and Justin could tell he was pleased. He grabbed the hat from his lap and pulled it over his slightly lengthening curls.

Justin looked at the tree and grew serious. Now would be the time when Jonathon and Steven ran around the house in capes made from ribbon and wrapping paper and hats made from the fluffy bows on the gifts their grandparents always sent them. The phone calls from the guys would start soon, wishing him a Merry Christmas from Maryland, New York, Mississippi and Florida. His step mother would be in the kitchen with his mother finishing up whatever meat they’d decided to serve and his father would be pigging out on fruitcake and the inevitable box of candy that came from some distant relative.

Suddenly Justin wasn’t in the holiday spirit anymore. Yes he was home but he wasn’t at home. He was with people he cared for a lot, but he wasn’t with the people he loved. He hadn’t been able to buy the oversized truck for Steven or the newest action figures for Jonathon or the gaudy tie that his father would have absolutely loved.

Justin stood up. "I’m going to go upstairs for a little bit and lie down. I, um, didn’t get much sleep last night." That was perfectly true. They’d gotten home from the midnight service at 12:15 and he’d been up at 4:30 to put his presents under the tree.

Cathy nodded. "Dinner will be at three so I’ll yell for you then, okay?"

Justin nodded and started up the stairs. He walked into his room and set his presents on his desk. He looked at the bed and slowly climbed up onto it. He buried his face in the pillow and sighed. His good mood had completely disappeared.

"Randy?" a voice called through the door. It was followed by a soft knocking. "Can I come in?"

Justin sat up on the bed. "Yeah." His tall frame was slouched over and he knew his eyes were rimmed red.

Maggie walked into the room and over to the bed. "Are you okay?" She rested a hand on his shoulder.

Justin started to nod and then shook his head. "I miss home."

Maggie pulled her hand away. "Are you going to leave?"

Justin shook his head. "No. It’s just that Christmas was one of the few times that I got to spend with my little brothers and I’m missing it, that’s all."

"Oh." She twisted her hands in her lap. "How old are your brothers?"

"Eight and five," Justin said. "It’s been so hard not talking to them."

"You could call them," Maggie said.

"They’d track the call," Justin said. "I don’t miss them enough to give this all up after I just got back."

"Call from somewhere else," Maggie persisted. "Like a payphone or something."

"Are you trying to get them to find me?" Justin snapped. "I’m not going to call. I can’t afford to."

"I just want you to be happy," Maggie said. "I can’t imagine ever hiding from my family."

Justin noticed her lip tremble slightly and reached out to brush her hair out of her face. "I know you want me to be happy, but I’m happy the way things are going now. I’ll be fine tomorrow."

Maggie looked down at the floor.

Justin pulled her into a hug. "I’m sorry Mags. I didn’t mean to snap."

"It’s okay," Maggie said. "Really it is." She nuzzled into Justin’s chest. "You are tired so I’ll let you get some sleep."

"Do you want to stay?" Justin asked.

Maggie shook her head. "My parents are right downstairs and I think my dad might suspect something’s going on."

Justin nodded. "Okay. Come get me when dinner’s ready, okay?"

Maggie stood up from the bed and rubbed her had quickly over Justin’s curls. "Sleep well Randy."

Justin lay back on the bed and fell asleep almost immediately, memories of children’s happy laughter echoing through his head.

Justin woke up to the feeling of lips gently moving against his own. He felt himself responding as he moved towards consciousness. When he opened his eyes the lips pulled away from his own.

"Morning," Maggie said with a small smile.

"Morning," Justin said. He leaned upwards and kissed Maggie again. "Is it time for dinner?"

Maggie nodded and put out her hand to help Justin up.

Justin grabbed hold of the hand and pulled himself to an upright position. He didn’t let go of her hand as they made their way towards the stairs. They let go of each other before they opened the door to the first floor. Maggie walked out first and Justin followed behind. The smell of turkey reached his nose and Justin couldn’t help but smile. He followed Maggie into the dining room and sat down at his place. It almost seemed like home.

I don’t want to go back to ‘N SYNC yet. I don’t. I’m not ready. I do want to go home though. I want to see my brothers. They’re the only people in this world who treat me like I’m Justin.

Maggie said I should call them. Should I? I’ve survived two phone calls… I can survive one more, right? Right? Is it worth it to be able to say hi to my brothers on Christmas? No. But why do I feel like I’m going to call anyway.

Probably because I am. I’m so stupid doing this. I shouldn’t. I really, really shouldn’t. Then why am I going to?

Because it’s not fair to Jonathon and Steven to not talk to me for so long. I guess it’s not really fair to my dad either.

So where do I call from? I could do the payphone again. Or I could call from Stu’s house. They’d trace Stu’s house though. But Stu’s dad never would have heard of Justin Timberlake and Stu would know better than to say I was in town.

They weren’t able to track the payphone last time. Why would they be able to track it this time?

Justin stood up from the bed and grabbed his jacket off the desk chair. He shut the journal on his bed and shoved it under his pillow.

He started out of the room and walked to Maggie’s room. He knocked once before he stuck his head in.

"I’m going for a walk," he said. "I’ll come find you when I get back."

Maggie looked up from he new hardcover book. "Are you going to call?"

Justin nodded once. "I shouldn’t be gone too long."

"I’ll be here," Maggie said. She smiled reassuringly and turned back to her book.

Justin shut the door and trotted down the stairs to the main floor. He didn’t see anyone in the kitchen so he walked through the cheery room as quickly as he could. He closed the door behind him and let the screen slam. The cold air chilled him to the bone immediately. He shoved his hands in his pockets and began walking briskly down Main Street to the payphone he’d used before. The sky was crisp and clear, the stars twinkling brightly in the sky.

He saw the hazy shape of the phone booth approaching. He felt his teeth begin to chatter and he walked quicker. He opened the cold glass door to the phone booth and removed one of his gloves. He pulled the black plastic phone off the hook and held it between his ear and his shoulder. He pushed the icy metal numbers with one of his rapidly numbing fingers. It was a number he still knew by heart.

"Please don’t pick up, please don’t pick up," Justin mouthed. He wanted to be able to say he’d tried, but he didn’t want to actually talk to anyone.

"Hello?" the voice of a child said.

"Jon?" Justin asked. He felt tears prick his eyes.

"Who’s this?" Jonathon’s voice became wary.

"This is Justin. You’re brother." Justin held the lump in his throat at bay. His own brother didn’t even recognize his voice anymore. God, what had he done?

"Justin?" Jonathon asked. "Where are you? Dad and Lynne said you disappeared."

"I had to get away for awhile," Justin said. He heard movement on the other end of the phone and his brother’s voice saying: "It’s Justin."

"Justin?" Justin recognized his father’s voice. His voice was hard. "Where are you?"

"I’m not going to tell you," Justin said. The emotion in his voice disappeared matching his fathers.

"Do you realize what you’re doing Justin?" Randall asked. "Do you realize how worried your mother and I have been?"

"Because I’m gone or because Justin Timberlake disappeared?" Justin asked.

"It’s the same thing," Randall said.

"No dad, it’s not," Justin said. "If you don’t understand the difference then you can’t understand why I had to disappear."

"Why didn’t you go back to the guys?" Randall asked.

"Because I didn’t want to," Justin said. "I wasn’t ready. I just called to wish you a Merry Christmas and to talk to Jon and Steven. Can you put one of them on?"

"Do you even realize what you’ve done Justin?" Randall asked.

"I’ve taken my life into my own hands," Justin said. "Can I please talk to my brothers?"

Justin heard his father’s heavy sigh and then the sound of the phone being passed to someone else.

"Jussin?" Steven asked.

"Hey Steve-o," Justin said. He felt the tears prickle the corners of his eyes again. "Merry Christmas buddy."

"When are you coming home?" Steven asked. "I miss you."

"I miss you too," Justin said. "I’ll be home eventually okay? Did Santa bring you what you wanted?"

"No," Steven said. "I wan-ned you to come home. Daddy said Santa couldn’t bring people."

Justin felt a tear slip down his cheek. "Santa told me that I should call you though."

"Did he?" Steven asked. "Did Santa bring you what you wan-ned?"

"Yeah," Justin said. "He did."

"Jon wanns to talk to you," Steven said.

"Okay," Justin said. "I love you buddy."

"I love you too," Steven said. "Bye Jussin."

Justin blinked and felt two more tears travel down his cheeks.

"Hey Justin," Jonathon said into the phone. "Do you want to know what Santa brought me?"

"What?" Justin asked. He leaned against the cold glass of the phone booth and ran one gloved hand over his cheeks, spreading the wetness over his skin.

"A dog!" Jonathon said. "It’s brown and it’s almost as tall as Steven."

"Wow," Justin said. He couldn’t help but smile at the excitement in his brothers voice. He just wished that he could be there in person. "That’s a big dog. What’d you name it?"

"Max," Jonathon said. "He looked like a Max so I named him Max."

"That’s a good name for a dog," Justin said.

"Did you get anything cool?" Jonathon asked. "Did you get that new video game I’ve seen advertised on TV all the time?"

"No," Justin said. "I don’t have a Nintendo where I’m living."

Jonathon was silent on the other end of the phone. "Do you want me to send you mine?"

Justin felt the lump overwhelm his throat and he caught his breath convulsively. "No Jon. I don’t need a Nintendo."

"Okay," Jonathon said. "Dad want’s to talk to you again. Bye Justin."

"Bye bud," Justin said. "Merry Christmas."

"Justin?" Randall said again.

"Yeah dad?" Justin said. His voice had gone emotionless again.

"Take care okay?"

Justin couldn’t trust his voice so he nodded. Then he realized his father couldn’t see him. "I am dad." He paused for a second and closed his eyes, unsure of whether he should say what he wanted to. "I love you."

"I love you too Justin," Randall said. "I love you too."

It was late when Justin entered the house. The lights were off on the lower floor and he only saw the faint glow of a reading light from Maggie’s window. He quietly entered the house and tiptoed towards the stairs. The same step that had creaked that morning creaked again under his weight.

He started to go to his own room when something stopped him. He turned towards Maggie’s room and walked to the door. He didn’t bother to knock knowing she’d be in bed already.

"Hey," Maggie said as she looked up from her book. Justin smiled to see the autographed picture was already in a frame on her nightstand. "You were gone a long time."

"I had to think some things through," Justin said.

"You’re going to leave, aren’t you?" Maggie asked.

Justin shook his head as he pulled his gloves off and unzipped his jacket. "No, I came back to Mill Creek. I’m not going to leave again."

"Are you okay?" Maggie asked.

Justin nodded and sat down on the bed next to Maggie. "Thanks for my hat."

"Thanks for the book and the picture," Maggie said. "Thanks for coming back in the first place."

"Can I stay here for awhile?" Justin asked.

Maggie nodded and scooted over. Justin curled up on the bed beside her and slowly fell asleep as Maggie kept reading her book.