Sunday, December 31, 2000

Justin tugged lightly on the collar of his plaid button up shirt and looked himself over in the mirror. "Looking good Smith," he said quietly. His brown eyes twinkled and he smiled widely, flashing his teeth. It was the fan smile. He let the corners of his mouth fall until they were forming a genuine smile.

Tonight was going to be fun, that much Justin had decided. It was New Years Eve, at a parentless house with limitless champagne. Not to mention friends, beer, and a kissing partner for midnight.

Justin took one more look at himself and walked over to the bed to grab his coat. It was large but it served the purpose of keeping out the frigid air. He slung it over his arm and walked out of the room. His long stride covered the distance to Maggie’s door quickly. He knocked twice and immediately opened the door. He whistled when he saw the girl in the room standing by her mirror putting on her makeup.

"Hey," Maggie began. She was trying to sound annoyed, but her mouth hinted at a smile and her eyes shone brightly. "Aren’t you supposed to wait for me to tell you to come in before you open the door?"

"What’s the fun in that?" Justin asked. He walked into the room and closed the door gently. Walking up behind Maggie he put his hands on her waist and nuzzled her neck. When she turned her head he kissed her delicately, careful not to mess up her lipstick too much. He pulled away a few seconds later. "I’ve been wanting to do that all day."

"Me too," Maggie said slowly as she opened her eyes. "I just want to spend all day in my room with you."

"That could be arranged," Justin said. He rested his cheek against Maggie’s hair and looked at the two of them in the mirror. They looked good together, natural. It had been a long time since Justin had thought it looked natural when he was with a girl. He’d spent so much time worrying about how it would look to the press.

"Not without raising suspicion," Maggie said. She leaned back into Justin for just a second.

"Huh?" Justin asked. He’d managed to forget what he’d been talking about.

"Locking ourselves in my room," Maggie said. "I think my parents would figure something was going on."

"Oh," Justin said. He didn’t mean to look annoyed or tired or anything, but apparently the emotion showed through.

"Soon Randy," Maggie said. She turned around in his embrace. She gave him a peck on the lips. "I’m going to start working on my mom and ease her into the whole idea."

Justin nodded. There wasn’t a whole heck of a lot he could do. "You ready to go?"

Maggie shook her head. "Give me two, okay?"

Justin backed away from his girlfriend and sat on the bed. He smiled as she pulled out her compact and applied a light coat of powder. "You smeared my lipstick," she grumbled playfully.

"I don’t think I was the sole participant in that act," Justin said. "Besides, it’s lipstick. You’re a girl. You’re going to reapply it every fifteen minutes anyway."

Maggie turned around as she pressed her lips together. "You know me, do I do that?"

"Maybe not every fifteen," Justin conceded. "But heaven forbid you go half an hour."

"You are such a bastard," Maggie said, but she was laughing. She walked over to her closet and pulled out a jacket. "Now I’m ready."

She headed for the door and turned out the light. Justin followed closely behind her. They went to the main floor and Justin followed Maggie to the den.

"We’re going," Maggie said. "See you tomorrow."

"Bye," Bob said. "Be careful getting there, okay?"

"We will be sir," Justin said.

"Good," Bob said.

"Happy New Year," Cathy said. "Have fun tonight."

"We will," Maggie said. She turned towards Justin and smiled. "We’ll have a lot of fun. I promise."

"Happy New Year to you both too," Justin said. He put on his jacket as he started down the hall with Maggie following closely behind him. He drew in a sharp intake of breath when he opened the kitchen door. The icy air made his eyes water and the smell of cows seemed more potent than normal.

"Tonight is going to be so much fun," Maggie said. She was almost bouncing beside him as they went down the walkway and out of the yard. "I can’t wait."

"I know," Justin said. "I’m looking forward to that champagne that Stu got for us."

"I’ve never had champagne," Maggie said. "Is it good?"

"It’ll fuck you up quick," Justin said. "It’s really smooth."

Maggie smiled and grabbed Justin’s hand. He pulled their hands up and nestled them in his coat pocket. There was something so innocent yet so intimate about the gesture.

They walked down the street in a comfortable silence. Their breath made small clouds in front of their faces.

Maggie pulled away from Justin as they walked up to Stu’s door. She stuck her hands in her own pockets as they hopped up the steps. Justin looked over at her and frowned.

"What’s the matter?"

Maggie shrugged.

"Then come here," Justin said. He pulled Maggie’s left hand out of her pocket and gripped it tightly in his own. He turned and pushed the button on Stu’s screen door, pulling the door out. Maggie turned the knob on the front door and pushed the door in. The warm air enveloped them as they walked into the room.

The screen door slammed loudly behind them as they made their way into the living room, drawing the attention of the ten other people in the room.

"Randy," Stu said as he came up to the couple. "We were wondering when you guys would get here."

Justin opened his mouth to reply with a smart-ass comment, but Maggie beat him to it.

"He messed up my makeup," she said with a smile. "I had to reapply it."

Justin blushed as Stu started laughing. He saw a redhead approaching from behind Stu. She had four cans of beer in her hands.

"To get the night started," Emily said as she handed the beer around.

"You’ve already started," Justin said as he looked at Emily’s slightly glassy eyes.

"Of course," Emily said. "It is nearly nine after all."

Justin popped the top on his beer and chugged nearly three quarters of it before the can left his lips. "I’ve been wanting that."

Maggie was looking at him with one raised eyebrow. "How can you just down this stuff? It tastes nasty."

"Only until it dulls your taste buds," Stu said. "Come on Mags, drink."

Maggie delicately pulled up on the tab and wrinkled her nose as the beer smell hit her nose. "Ugh," she said. She raised the can to her lips and took a sip. She stuck out her tongue as soon as she’d swallowed.

"That’s not drinking," Stu said. "You’re going to drink until I count to five, okay?"

Maggie rolled her eyes and put the can back to her lips. "Okay," she said with a slightly bitchy tone.

"Start," Stu said. "One… Two… Three… Four… Five…"

"Ugh," Maggie said as the can fell quickly from her lips. "Don’t you have anything better?"

Stu leaned in close to Maggie and Justin. Emily leaned in too.

"I do have a few extra bottles of champagne stored away in my room for later, but we could break ‘em out now."

"Hell yeah," Justin said. "I want to get fucked up tonight."

The four friends started down the hall trying to avoid drawing attention to themselves. Luckily the rest of the people were playing drinking games while watching MTV’s countdown to the new millennium.

MTV Studios, Times Square, New York

Lance looked around the green room. There were so many celebrities crowded into the room.  It seemed like the whole room was bustling with activity except for their one small corner.

"I can’t believe we’re actually going on without Justin," Joey murmured to himself.

They’d known they were going to go on without Justin. They’d been practicing for weeks. They’d been on MTV three times without Justin. To get up on stage and sing and dance without Justin was something entirely different though.

"I know," Chris said. His demeanor was subdued.

JC and Lance remained silent. JC was staring at the ground. Lance was tapping his fingers together as they lay in his lap.

The speaker in the room crackled. All the artists and performers looked up at the horn shaped object attached to the wall.

"N SYNC ten minutes," the electronic voice stated.

The room went silent as the four guys got up. They were used to having people stare at them, but the eyes of their peers were something completely different. Especially since they all knew they weren’t being stared at in admiration.

Joey pulled a small cloth ball out of his pocket as the group made it to the hallway.

"It’s hackey time," he said. He tossed the ball lightly between his hands.

"Do we have to? I mean…" Lance trailed off.

"It’s ritual Lance," Chris said. "We got to do it. I mean, how many traditions do we really have left?"

Lance nodded and got in his place by the wall. Joey started the bag, hitting it to Chris who tried to hit it JC. It fell in the middle. JC started it and it went to Joey and then towards Lance. But it dropped.

"’N SYNC to stage right," the electronic voice said. "’N SYNC to stage right."

Lance started the hackey, but it only made it to the middle of the circle.

A stagehand came up to the group. "We need you by the stage now," she said.

"We have to finish this," Joey protested as he picked up the hackey sack.

The stagehand gave them a bored look. "While you might be able to delay your concerts until you finish one round of that stupid game, MTV doesn’t work that way. Get over to the stage now."

Joey pocketed the hackey sack and walked towards the stage with the other guys trailing behind him.

They stood off to the side as they watched Carson do his introduction for them.

Lance suddenly grabbed one of JC’s hands and one of Joey’s. Chris got the idea and completed the circle. They all bowed their heads.

"Please," Lance said in his deep voice. "Please let this all be okay."

The guys squeezed each other’s hands.

"Good luck guys," JC said. "We can do this."

Chris and Joey nodded. They heard their cue from the stage.

"And now, here’s ‘N SYNC!"

Plastering smiles on their faces the four guys ran onto the stage.

"Welcome," Carson said. "It’s great to see you guys back on stage."

"We know it won’t be quite the same," Lance said. "But we’re anxious to get out again."

"What’s this I hear about a new tour?" Carson asked. "And a new single?"

"We’ve recorded a new song," JC said. "It’s called ‘Are You Gonna Be There’ and we’re dedicating it to Justin. It’s about friendship."

"And our tour's going to be great," Chris broke in. "It’s going to back to basics. Just singing and dancing. No more fancy stages or costumes."

"It’s the ‘I Want You Back’ tour," Joey said. "It’s cheesy, but it seemed appropriate."

"Do you have the dates worked out yet?" Carson asked. "I’m sure female-kind is dying to know."

"Johnny’s working on it," JC said. "It’s hard to pull together a tour on such short notice. Even when it is for charity."

"Charity?" Carson asked.

"Yeah," Lance said. "We’re going to donate all the profit to runaway services. It will all be in Justin’s name."

"That’s just so—" Carson trailed off. "Nice."

"We’re nice boys," Chris said.

"And now you’re going to perform for the first time without Justin," Carson said. "What are you guys doing again?"

"Well, it seemed there was only one appropriate song," JC said. "We’re saying goodbye to the second millennium so we’re going to do ‘Bye, Bye, Bye.’"

"’N SYNC will perform the number one most requested song of the year 2000 after this commercial break," Carson said. "Stay tuned."

Maggie was hanging heavily on Justin’s arm. Her eyelids were heavy on her eyes and it looked like her lips were having a hard time forming words. "I think we should go back out to the living room."

"Why?" Justin asked. He leaned down and kissed Maggie heavily. "I’m happy right here."

"You sure are," Stu broke in. He took another swig off the champagne bottle. "You get any more happy and Emily and I are going to have to leave."

"’N SYNC’s going to perform," Maggie said. "I don want to miss it."

Justin felt his eyes being drawn to Stu.

Stu was looking back at him. "Why would you want to watch them?" Stu asked.

"Because they’re hot," Emily said. "And they’re doing ‘Bye, Bye, Bye.’ It might be the last time we get to see them perform that song now that Justin’s gone."

Justin swallowed and immediately reached for the bottle of champagne. He swallowed the amber liquid as quickly as he could. "Fine," he said thickly. "Let’s go watch."

He stood up off the bed and tried to pull Maggie up. She fell back laughing. "Help me."

"I’m trying," Justin said. He grabbed her other hand and pulled hard. They both stumbled back towards Stu’s door.

Maggie walked up to Emily and linked arms with her friend. "You know that picture of Justin Randy got me?" she asked with drunken loudness.

"Uh-huh," Emily said. They stumbled down the hallway together.

"You think it’ll be worth something now that Justin’s gone?"

"I don’t know," Emily said.

Stu stuck his arm out in front of Justin. "You going to be okay man?"

Justin nodded. "I’m going to be fine. I just want to get this over with. I can’t run from them forever."

"Okay," Stu said. His arm fell heavily to his side. "I just don’t want you to get all pissed off or something because they’re performing without you."

"I’m not going to," Justin said. "If I’d wanted to be there I would be there. I’m here though."

"Okay," Stu said. "Maybe Britney hasn’t performed yet."

Justin closed his eyes.

Stu suddenly seemed to realize exactly what he’d said. He threw a hand up to Justin’s shoulder. "I’m sorry man I wasn’t thinking."

"I don’t want Britney," Justin said. "I want Maggie. I don’t like Britney."

"Okay," Stu said again. "Let’s just get out there, okay?"

Justin nodded and began to walk towards the living room. He put a hand on the wall to help him keep his balance. "Shit dude," he said to Stu right before they got to the living room. "I’m fucked up."

"Ohmigod," Justin heard Maggie screech. "They’re coming on!" He walked slowly towards the TV and stood against a wall. He wasn’t sure whether the solid piece of plaster was supporting him or whether he was supporting it. It didn’t matter though. All he knew was he needed the support damn badly.

The eerie organ music filled the MTV Times Square Studio. The spotlight focused on one man leaving the rest of the studio encased in darkness. His blond hair glowed brightly. He raised his head.

"Hey-ay-ay," Joey sang. He dropped his head and the light suddenly covered all of them.

"Bye, bye, bye," they all sang in unison. "Bye, bye… bye, bye."

JC stepped forward in a way they all knew. It was the old routine, minus one person. The arrangement was just a little different. And the person that he harmonized so well with, the voice that combined with his drove girls to tears, the voice that had been the backbone of the song wasn’t there.

And then Joey was there, singing Justin’s part, doing Justin’s dance. It wasn’t bad; it was just different.

"I know that I can’t take no more, it ain’t no lie, I want to see you out that door baby bye, bye, bye."

It sounded different. The harmony was there; the words the same, but the inflections of the tenor voice were different. It just wasn’t right.

Justin stood against the wall. His eyes were riveted to the screen, the familiar, yet different moves. The sound was so familiar. It was weird though. He hadn’t watched the ‘Bye, Bye, Bye’ performance since the beginning of the tour. It looked different than he’d remembered. It was different.

"Cause you may hate me, but it ain’t no lie, baby, bye, bye, bye." Justin found himself mouthing the words. "Don’t really want to make it tough, I just want to tell you that I’ve had enough hoo-hoo." He paused like he’d trained himself to as Josh sang. He found himself wanting to move to the front of the group. Rather like Joey was.

"Joey’s not supposed to do that," Justin wanted to say. He wasn’t sure if he said it out loud or not. No one looked up so he supposed he hadn’t. Guys weren’t supposed to know the ‘N SYNC dance by heart. Hell, they weren’t even supposed to know which ‘N SYNC guy was which. And then it was his part again and he found himself moving his lips and hands.

"Just hit me with the truth, girl, you’re more than welcome to ,so just give me one good reason, baby come on. I live for you and me, and now I really come to see that life would be much better once you’re gone. I know that I can’t take no more, it ain’t no lie, I want to see you out that door, baby bye, bye, bye"

Stu came up beside him and put a hand on Justin’s shoulder drawing Justin out of the reverie he’d put himself in.

"You aren’t there," Stu said quietly in Justin’s ear. "You want to be here."

Justin suddenly felt sober. He wasn’t there. He could have been, but he’d chosen to come back. It had been his choice. He’d known the guys were going to be performing. He’d known. He had no right to begrudge them their right to get by. They were doing what they had to do.

" Fuck this shit," Justin said. "I can’t watch anymore," Justin said. He headed back to Stu’s bedroom. He didn’t see Maggie’s head turn and watch him leave the room.

The music stopped and Lance stood still like he’d been taught to. His heart was pounding. The studio audience was silent. Would they be accepted as a four-person group? Was this their last performance?

The lights went out and the four guys on stage moved out of their position.

The studio erupted in cheers and the guys smiled at each other. One performance without Justin down… how many more to go?

The guys ran off the stage and back towards the green/dressing room.

A tall man with dark brown hair stepped in front of Lance as he tried to maneuver his way down the hall. Lance looked up to politely asked the guy to move or not so politely if that was what the situation warranted.

"Hey Kevin," Lance said. He smiled tightly. Relations with Backstreet were shaky at best, although they’d been getting steadily better.

"Good job out there," Kevin said. He put a hand on Lance’s shoulder. "We never expressed our concern for you guys. You’ve been in our prayers."

Lance felt his chin drop and his eyes begin to water. He looked up and smiled. "Thanks."

"I can’t even imagine if Nick disappeared," Kevin continued. "That would be the equivalent, I guess."

"It’s hard," Lance said.

"You haven’t heard anything new?" Kevin asked. When Lance shook his head he continued. "If you do, let us know, okay? Or if there’s anything we can do to help, okay?"

Lance nodded. "We will, thank you. Good luck on your tour too."

"Thanks," Kevin said. "Give my best to the other guys, okay?"

"Will do," Lance said. "Do the same for me."

"Bye Lance," Kevin said. He stepped out of Lance’s way and made his way down towards the main studio.

Lance walked into the dressing room and back to their corner. "Kevin said hi." Lance collapsed onto one of the couches. He closed his eyes. "He said if there was anything Backstreet could do to let them know."

"Well isn’t that noble," Chris said as he rolled his eyes.

"It’s called being friendly Chris," Lance said. He struggled to sit up and he looked at the rest of the guys. "We’re going to be able to do the tour, aren’t we?"

JC and Joey nodded as Chris spoke. "There wasn’t ever any doubt was there?"

"I didn’t know," Lance said. "I mean a lot was riding on how we did out there."

"We did good," Joey said. "I’m not Justin, but I can do it."

"Wade’s going to have some comments tomorrow," JC said. "There were some awkward spots."

"He always has comments, awkward spots or not," Chris said. "We’re done tonight though. Let’s be thankful for that."

A petite blond walked up to them and sat down next to Lance on the couch. "You guys did good out there."

"Thanks Brit," Lance said. "You did good too."

"I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you guys recently," Britney said. "I just, well, I haven’t known what to say."

"There’s not much to say," JC said. "He’s gone and he’s not coming back."

"Do you think if I told him I made a mistake he’d come back," Britney said. She looked up at JC. "You said that my actions probably drove him over the edge."

"What?" Lance asked. He looked over at JC who was looking incredibly guilty. "It’s not your fault Brit."

"But it is," Britney said. "I wasn’t being the friend he needed. I was too lost in my feelings to let him in. After that engagement thing I just pushed him away. I wanted more and I knew he did but I couldn’t deal with it."

"It was all our faults," Lance said. He put an arm around Britney. "We all weren’t the friends he needed."

"Do you think if I sent him an email saying that I wanted him he’d come back?"

"Do you want him?" JC said. "If you do, I’d say go for it, but if you don’t then don’t."

"I do," Britney said. "I mean I knew I liked him, but I didn’t realize how much he meant to me until he was gone."

Lance closed his eyes. He wasn’t supposed to know that Justin had a new girl. He hadn’t told the guys. He’d made up his mind to keep all correspondence with Justin confidential.

"I’m not sure that’s what he needs to hear," Lance said. "He’s not going to come back until he’s ready."

"But maybe it’s just the push he needs," Britney said. "He told me that he’d wait until I was ready."

Lance stared at the girl beside him. He couldn’t tell her not to, but at this point it would cause more problems than it would help the situation.

"Do what you want Britney," JC said. "We’re out of ideas."

"I think I’ll do that," Britney said. She smiled hesitantly. "It couldn’t hurt, could it?"

The electronic voice broke through the hum of conversation filling the green room. "Will everyone please make their way to the main studio, the ball will drop in ten minutes."

Lance and Britney stood up and followed the guys’ back towards the stage. He put a hand on Britney’s arm for a second signaling her to stop.

"Brit," Lance said. His voice cracked. He shouldn’t be telling her this. "I really don’t think it’s a good idea if you email Justin. He’s started a new life. He could have found someone new."

Britney cocked her head slightly. "You know something, don’t you?"

Lance shook his head. "I just get an innocuous email from him occasionally. He mentioned something about a girl."

"Oh," Britney said. Her eyes fell and her small mouth frowned. "Is he serious?"

"I don’t know," Lance said. "Could you not mention this to the other guys. They don’t really know about that email."

"Yeah," Britney said. "Sure, whatever." She turned on her heel and walked toward the studio.

Lance hung his head again. "Shit," he whispered. "I’m sorry Justin."

Justin felt a soft hand on his shoulder.

"You okay?" Maggie’s voice said softly. Her voice was slurred with alcohol.

"I’m fine," Justin said. He didn’t sound sure. He repeated himself. "Fine."

"Then get up," Maggie said. "They’re about to drop the ball. You don’t want to miss that."

Justin let himself be pulled up. He smiled as Maggie’s hand confidently entwined with his. They walked out to the living room and stood in front of the TV. Times Square echoed with shouts and screams.

Maggie tuned to face Justin and put his hands on her hips. "I’m glad you’re here for this Randy."

Justin leaned his head against Maggie’s forehead. "I am too."

His eyes went back to the screen. The ball was beginning it’s descent. He waited with baited breath. Wasn’t there some sort of saying that whatever you do at midnight on New Years is what you’ll be doing for the rest of the year? He couldn’t remember.

"Ten!" the twenty people in the house screamed. "Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two!"

Justin put his lips by Maggie’s ear. "Happy New Year Mags."

"ONE!"

Their lips pressed together and Justin’s tongue entered Maggie’s mouth. He could taste the champagne and the sweetness that was Maggie.

Screams echoed around them. People were hugging and embracing. Three bottles of champagne were popped open and the toasts began.

Justin didn’t hear any of it. He was focused on one thing only.

It was the only place he wanted to be.

The studio was alive with bodies jumping and screams echoing around the walls. The floor was a constant sea of motion.

Four people didn't seem to notice though. Their arms were wrapped around each other tightly.

"To the best year ever," JC said. "One filled with success we haven't found yet."

"To the most sucessful charity concert tour ever," Lance said.

"To a year filled with new opportunity," Chris said.

"To the year when Justin Timberlake comes back to 'N SYNC," Joey said. "To being a whole group again."

"Happy New Years guys," Lance said. He gave JC and Joey both a hearty squeeze. "To the best year ever."