Saturday, January 13, 2001 (Night)

"Yeah, okay," Justin said into the phone as he paced the living room.

"I swear, D," Stu said on the other end of the connection. "You'll think this is the funniest thing ever."

"Well, forward it to me so I can laugh at it to my heart's content," Justin said.

"I'm doing it right now," Stu said. Justin could hear the sounds of keys clicking on the keyboard. "There."

"Coo," Justin said.

"So are you guys going to that party tonight?" Stu asked. "I heard it's going to be mainly sophomores."

"Well, Laura told me about it," Justin said. "So that says something, right? And Matt said there were going to be two kegs."

"That sounds more promising," Stu said.

"I'm going to go," Justin said. "And since Laura was the one to tell me about it, I sincerely doubt Maggie'll let me out of her sight."

Stu laughed loudly. "At least she's not psychotically obsessive about your actions. I remember this one girl that I dated for like a month back home..." He trailed off.

"Oh, believe me, man," Justin said. "I've had experiences with that."

"I'm sure you have," Stu said. "Well, I'm gonna go call Emily and see if I can convince her to go tonight."

"If Mags is going, Emily will be there," Justin said with a smirk. "They're like siamese twins or something."

"Well, I'll just call and make sure," Stu said.

Justin couldn't hold his laughter in. "Sure, man. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Bye, D," Stu said before he hung up.

"Bye," Justin said to the empty phone line. He set the phone back on its base and headed towards the den. He saw Maggie sitting on the couch. Coming up behind her he kissed her neck. "Hey."

"Hey," Maggie said. She tipped her head back as she smiled. "What's up?"

"You're coming with me tonight, right?"

Maggie looked confused for a brief second. "Oh, yeah, the party." She didn't sound excited.

"Oh, yeah, the party," Justin imitated her. "It's going to be fun. Everyone's going to be there."

"Why does that sound familiar?" Maggie asked with a grimace.

"But didn't you have fun last time I said it?" Justin asked. He noisily kissed her cheek. "Besides, who else is going to elicit such dirty glares from Laura Boyle all night?"

Maggie smiled widely. "Give me ten minutes."

Justin laughed and stood up straight. "I'll need more time than that, sweetie. An hour?"

"Sure," Maggie said. "More time for me to drool over Ben Affleck."

Justin looked at the screen and saw Liv Tyler on the screen. Armageddon. "Believe me, Mags, Ben isn't that great."

"Oh, you're just jealous," Maggie said with a quick grin up in Justin's direction. "You'll be someone big someday, too, Randy."

"Yeah," Justin said with an unconvincing smile. He stood up and began backing away from the couch. "Meet you in the hallway in an hour."

"I'll be there," Maggie said.

Justin stomped up the stairs to his bedroom and shut the door noisily. He walked to his computer and pushed the power button. While he listened to the noises it made booting up, he pulled some clothes out of his closet. Pulling his T-shirt over his head, he grabbed a clean white one and a baggy vest to pull over it.

He looked at the laptop and noticed the small icons appearing at the bottom of the screen. He ran his hands through his short curls and sat down at the desk. Opening his email program he noticed two new messages. Swallowing, he opened his inbox. The message at the top was from Stu. That had been the expected message. What was unexpected was the message from Lance.

Justin was tempted to ignore the message from Lance and continue on with his evening's activities without reading it, but knowing it was there had already triggered his 'need to know' reflex.

Opening Lance's message, he silently prayed that Stu's message would be funny enough to kick him out of the mood he knew he was going to be in after reading the email.

Dear Justin,

I'm sorry bro, for everything. Today I told the guys that I told you we didn't know where you were. To say they were pleased would be an outright lie. This is the first time I've ever thought the group might not survive this. And the funny thing is it's not you that's driving us apart, it's not your actions. It's mine.

I'm not going to tell you to come back, because if I were to ask you to do that it would be undoing all the decisions I've made since November, but I'm going to warn you that when you do decide to come back there might not be a group to come back to.

This is your life bro and I have no right to interfere anymore, so this'll be the last you hear from me.

Goodbye Justin.

Lance

Justin stared at the screen, blinking slowly. His eyes continued scanning the lines of the email. Then the words.
 

I'm going to warn you that when you do decide to come back there might not be a group to come back to.

first time I've ever thought the group might not survive this

there might not be a group to come back to.

Goodbye Justin.

might not be a group

Goodbye

when you do decide to come back

Good

bye

He swallowed and pushed his chair away from the computer, running his hands through his hair again, and then again. He was cold. He felt as if ice were flowing through his veins. Time stopped around him, the quiet sounds from outside his window completely disappearing from his world.

He stood up and began pacing his room quickly. His hands had come to rest behind his neck, supporting his head. He breathed deeply, pulling oxygen into his lungs. After a few breaths he felt better.

"The group's not going to end," he said quietly, his lips barely moving. "This is Lance we're talking about. Lance overreacts."

Lance did overreact... sometimes... The group couldn't end though. None of the guys were ready for that. That Justin was sure of. He wasn't ready for it and he was the one who ran away, so how could the guys be ready for it?

Justin breathed in deeply again. The group wasn't going to end. It was absurd to even think that. It was another ploy to get him back. Somehow the rest of the guys had roped Lance into writing him. He hadn't fallen for the bluff, he sure as hell wasn't going to fall for the guilt trip.

"Sorry, guys," Justin said to his empty room. "It's not going to work this time." He walked back to the computer and closed the message window, completely forgetting about Stu's forward. He walked out of his room and trotted down the stairs. He needed to get out of the house now.

"Mags?" he called down the hallway.

"Yeah?" He could hear Maggie coming out of the den.

"I changed my mind, let's go now." Justin began walking towards his girlfriend.

"Now?" Maggie asked. She looked down at herself. "You said I had another 45 minutes."

"But I want to go now," Justin whined with a playful expression on his face. He pouted and stomped his foot lightly on the ground. He had to get out of the house now.

"Twenty minutes," Maggie said. She gestured to the den. "Go watch the movie. They're almost at the sappy part."

"The animal cracker scene?" Justin asked with a grimace. Images of the MTV VMA skit floated through his head.

"It's not that bad," Maggie said. "It's not as funny as when 'N SYNC did it, but it's really cute. Maybe some guy will do that for me someday." She sighed and batted her eyelashes playfully.

Justin tried to hide his grimace. He thought of the shots of him primping in the mirror and his ghetto slang MTV had capitalized on. "Oh yeah, 'N SYNC was hilarious." His voice was heavy with sarcasm.

"They were," Maggie said. "Now let me go get ready for this oh-so-fun night."

"But I like you right here," Justin said. He moved so she couldn't get to the stairs. "You look fine just the way you are."

"Randy," Maggie said. "You're the one who wants me to go tonight. Let me by."

"Can I have a kiss first?" Justin asked, puckering his lips. He wanted to get out of the house.

Maggie stood on her tiptoes and kissed Justin lightly on the cheek before trying to duck under Justin's arm to get to the stairs.

"That wasn't a kiss," Justin said. He grabbed her arm and pulled her around, capturing her mouth with his. After his tongue had delved into her mouth and she'd relaxed into his arms, he pulled away. "That's a kiss."

He headed for the den as Maggie stood behind him. She blinked once before heading up the stairs.

"You guys are earlier than I thought you'd be," Stu said as he walked up to Justin. He was double fisting two beers and another one was shoved in his pocket.

"We were going to leave later, but his masculinity was threatened," Maggie said, as she linked arms with Justin. "We had to leave immediately."

"What?" Stu asked. He moved his gaze from Maggie to Justin and back again.

"She thinks I'm jealous of Ben Affleck," Justin said.

Stu put a hand on Justin's shoulder. "It's okay, man," Stu said. "You're so much better than that prick. He's just a blip on the stardom map."

"I told Randy he'd be someone someday, but his ego didn't seem to be soothed," Maggie said. She disentangled her arm from Justin's and looked around the room. "I see Emily over there. I'll catch up with you later, okay, honey?" Before Justin could answer she was making her way through the mobs of people.

"Honey?" Stu laughed and finished off the top beer. "Never thought I'd hear you referred to as 'honey.'"

"Me, either," Justin said. He grabbed the unopened beer out of Stu's hand, quickly popping the tab open.

"So'd you like the forward I sent you? Wasn't it the funniest thing ever?"

"Shit," Justin said as he slapped his palm to his forehead. "I forgot to look at it."

"You forgot?" Stu asked. He pulled the beer out of his pocket and opened it, sipping at the foam that bubbled up through the hole.

"I got distracted," Justin said.

"Oh," Stu said with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. "Distracted"

"Not like that," Justin said. "Maggie wasn't even in the room."

Stu held up his hand. "Woah, dude. Too much information."

"No. Not like that," Justin said again. He lowered his voice so only Stu would be able to hear him. "There was something else in my email."

"Oh," Stu said around the lip of the beer can. He lowered the can from his mouth as understanding dawned on his face. "Oh. Shit, dude. You okay?"

"Oh, yeah," Justin said. He chugged the beer in his hand. "It was just another bluff. I need to go grab another beer."

"It's this way," Stu said. He began maneuvering his way through the people towards the kegs and the trashcans of ice and submerged beer. "What'd they say this time?"

"It was just Lance," Justin said. "He stops writing and then today I get this email saying that he never thought the group might end until now. I don't know how the rest of the group roped him into doing it. As I said, another bluff."

Stu grabbed two cans of beer out of barrel, sticking one in each pocket and grabbed another one to hold with his first. "What else did he say?"

"Well apparently he didn't tell the guys that he told me they didn't know where I was," Justin said. His voice was hushed and the music and talk was loud. "And it didn't go down well when they found out today."

"And?" Stu prompted.

"And he said that he'd never been worried about the group surviving until now, and the ironic thing was that it wasn't me who was going to cause the demise. It was him."

"That doesn't sound like a bluff," Stu said as he sat on one of the couch cushions, sinking into the firmness.

"It's gotta be," Justin said. "I mean, why would the group end? They just released that video, and they're heading out on tour in just a few weeks."

"But you don't know the group dynamics at the moment," Stu said. "It doesn't sound like the group might end, it sounds like the group might end. As in they aren't speaking to each other, ending."

"That'd never happen," Justin said. He shook his head and tried to keep a smirk on his lips. "We've survived everything. We'll survive this."

"So now you're something to be survived," Stu said. He swiped the beer cans off the table in front of him and propped his foot up.

Justin stared at Stu, his eyes narrowed. "Whose side are you on, here? Do you want me to go back?"

"No," Stu said. "I just think you're making assumptions where none should be made."

"And what am I assuming?" Justin asked. His voice was rising in the crowded room as the beer was ignited his senses.

"Let's take this outside, man," Stu said. He stood up.

"No," Justin said loudly. "I want to hear what I'm assuming."

"You don't want to discuss this here, Justin," Stu said in a fierce whisper. "Let's take it outside."

Justin sobered at the mention of his real name. He stood up and followed Stu out of the house.

The air was clear and the ground icy. As soon as they were a safe distance away from the house Justin stopped. "Now what the fuck are the assumptions I'm making?"

"That it'll all be okay!" Stu said. He threw his beer can to the ground and crushed it with his foot. "Dammit, Randy, when you first got here you needed to be here. I could see that, that's why I didn't say anything, that's why I've written emails for you, that's why I've kept your secret from everyone who cares about you. What I'm seeing now is denial masked as arrogance."

"I'm not in denial," Justin said through clenched teeth.

"Well then I don't know what you call it," Stu said. "I don't want you to leave, Randy. I don't. It's hard to remember Mill Creek without you here, and our basketball team would be screwed without you."

Justin maintained his glare in Stu's direction.

"When you got here, you were doing what you had to do to preserve your sanity. I could see it every day more I knew you. It was weird for me. For godsakes, you're an international popstar that cameos in half a million girls' dreams every night. You were fucking untouchable, yet here you were living in this podunk town, going to school like this normal person. Each day you were a little happier, and then when the guys would email you you'd become the guy who got off the bus that night again. Then you left and came back because you weren't ready to go back yet, at the same time finding out that the guys had no clue where you were. I'm glad you came back because I believe you need to go back when you're ready to go back, but now I think you're just hiding."

"I've always been hiding," Justin said. His fists curled and uncurled, causing the beer can in his right hand to crinkle slightly.

"Not hiding like that," Stu said. "Hiding because you're scared."

"And what am I scared of?" Justin asked. "What is making me so scared?"

"Going back," Stu said. "You're afraid to face the guys."

"They're my best friends," Justin said. "Why would I be scared of them? They know me better than anyone else in this world."

"Because you did the unthinkable," Stu said. "You succumbed to the pressures of being a star, and left."

"You have no clue what it's like out there," Justin said. He moved his arm up and around, indicating the rest of the world.

"No," Stu said. "I don't, and I never will."

"It's hard," Justin said. "It may sound glamorous, but it's not everything it's cracked up to be."

"I'm sure it's not," Stu said. "That's not my point, Justin."

Again, the use of his real name drew Justin's attention to Stu.

"My point is that maybe you don't need to be here anymore, but you're scared to go back. Maybe you're here for the wrong reasons"

"That's not true," Justin said. "You have no clue what I'm feeling. You have no fucking clue if I need to be here or not."

"Maybe I don't," Stu said. "But I've watched you for the last two months, Justin, and I do know that you're living in oblivion. Everything's not going to be okay just because you say it is. Maybe it'll be fine, maybe it won't, but you've got to be prepared for 'N SYNC to not be there when you decide you're ready to go back. You can't know what they're going through, because you aren't there."

"It'll be there," Justin said. "I know it'll be there."

"But what if it's not?" Stu asked. "What will you do if it's not there? Will you come back here and live out the rest of your life as Randy Smith? Will you go back into the spotlight without the four other guys to back you up? Have you thought about any of this?"

"I've heard enough," Justin said. He turned back to the house and began walking, his feet crunching on the icy grass.

"Just because you don't want to hear it, doesn't mean it's not true," Stu called after him.

"Just because you're saying it, doesn't mean it is," Justin shot back.

He stomped up the stairs of the house and nearly choked when he felt the rush of too warm air around him. He scanned the crowd in the house searching for bright red hair. He began making his way through the rooms of drunk people looking for Maggie and Emily.

"Randy! Over here!"

Justin turned when he heard Maggie's voice through the room. He finally spotted the two girls up against the far wall.

"Listen, Maggie," he started.

"You're never going to guess what Emily was just telling me," Maggie said. She leaned heavily against the wall, her eyes like shiny marbles in the dimly lit room.

"What?" Justin asked. He crossed his arms across his chest.

"The date for 'N SYNC's charity concert has been set," Maggie said."It's going to be March fourth." She held up two finger and shoved them at Justin twice. Then she stared at her hand and laughed. Crinkling her nose she leaned close to Justin's ear. "I think I'm drunk."

"No," Justin said more sharply and less sarcastically than he'd intended. He wasn't in the mood to play games. He took Maggie's arm and began leading her away from the wall. "That's great. Let's go."

"Go?" Maggie asked. "But I'm having fun."

"And I'm ready to go," Justin said. "Please, Maggie, I can't stay here anymore."

"But I want to stay," Maggie said. "Emily wants to stay, too. We'll stay together."

"You're drunk, Maggie," Justin said. "Please, let's just go."

"Why?" Maggie asked. "You were the one who wanted to come. You should get drunk too, then you'd be having a good time."

"I'm not getting drunk tonight, Maggie," Justin said.

"I'll get her home." Stu's voice came from behind him. "I'll walk her there myself."

"See," Maggie said. "Stu'll get us home. You can go home and be boring, and Stu and Emily and I will stay and have fun."

Justin eyed Stu warily, but finally nodded. "Thanks," he mumbled.

"Yeah," Stu said. "I know you have a lot on your mind."

Justin felt his fist clenching, but he merely nodded and walked past the other teen.

The deep breaths that had calmed him down earlier weren't soothing his mind anymore. He pulled the cold air into his lungs and exhaled it deeply it causing huge puffs of white to cloud the air in front of him.

"I'm not in denial," he said. "I'm not being oblivious. The group simply couldn't be ending."

But what if? Stu's words echoed through his head. What would he do if the group ended?

"The group's not going to end." It was that simple. 'N SYNC wasn't even close to being over. They were just on... break. No. That wasn't right. He was on break.

"I'm not ready to be back yet." He wasn't, was he? The idea of going back on stage was still revolting, but it didn't instigate the same fear that it had two months before. He was still in town for the right reasons. He knew he was.

But what if the group ended? Then what would it have been for? Nothing. He'd left so he could preserve his sanity and keep the group intact. Now here he was ending the group. That wasn't right. That wasn't right.

They didn't understand. Lance understood why he'd had to do what he did. None of the rest of them did. He'd thought Stu had, but apparently he'd been mistaken. He wasn't scared. He was still doing what he had to do.

"I'm not scared. I could go back any time I wanted to. I just don't want to."

But was that true? There was something about the crowds at the basketball games that made him feel alive. It was on a smaller scale than the concerts, but still...

Lance had to be bluffing. Why would the group fall apart because Lance had neglected to mention to the rest of the guys he'd essentially told Justin to stay away? When he thought of it that way it made more sense.

"Fuck."

Justin moved slowly up the stairs of the Hunter house, the boards creaking slightly under his weight. He forced all thoughts from his head until he was in his room and sprawled on his bed. His hands instinctively grabbed the pen from the nightstand and dived underneath the pillow for the journal.

January 13, 2001

Am I here for the right reasons?

That's what Stu asked me tonight. If I was still here for the right reasons. How could he even ask me that? If I didn't need to be here, do you think I still would be? If I wanted to be back with 'N SYNC now, don't you think I'd be there?

But I'm still here for the right reasons, right? I'm here because I need to be, not because I'm scared to face the guys, or scared to lose Maggie, or scared to lose the life I've built.

And I'd be letting so many people down in the process. The team, the town, Maggie. How do I tell her I'm Justin Timberlake?

How do I tell her I *am Justin Timberlake*, not Randy Smith, her boyfriend and best friend? How do I justify hiding the truth from her for so long? I can't, except it was what I had to do.

It's what I have to do. Just like I have to be here. Just like I'm still here for the right reasons, right?

I am. I can't go back yet. That much I know for sure, right reasons or no, but they are the right reasons.

Justin buried his head in the pillow as the book slowly closed and the pen fell from his limp fingers.

He rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He was still here for the right reasons. He was being selfish, but it was the same selfishness that had prompted his escape in the beginning. He was almost sure of it. He *was* sure of it.

He wasn't sure how long he stared at the ceiling, but he rolled over onto his side when he heard footsteps crunching through the grass on the lawn. He put his feet on the floor and looked out the window. He saw Maggie stumbling towards the house, heavily supported by Stu.

Quietly he left his room and went down the stairs. He reached the kitchen door as Stu and Maggie came up the stairs. He opened it and Maggie nearly fell into his arms.

Justin hugged her and stared at Stu over the top of her head. "Thanks."

"No problem," Stu said. "You okay, man?"

Justin nodded stiffly, but felt his face dissolve into a warmer expression. "Yeah. Just had a lot on my mind."

"I understand," Stu said.

"It's the right reasons," Justin said. He unconciously ran a hand through Maggie's hair. "I know it is."

"That's all I wanted you to know," Stu said. "I've got to get home."

"Yeah," Justin said. "I'll see you Monday?"

"Of course," Stu said. He started walking down the driveway.

"Randy," Maggie said as Justin shut the door. "I'm sorry you didn't stay. It would have been really fun."

"I just wasn't in the mood to have fun anymore," Justin said. He gently guided Maggie through the house to the stairs. "Be quiet, okay? We don't want to wake your parents."

"I'll be shhh," Maggie said, raising a finger to her lips.

"Good," Justin said. They quietly made their way up the staircase.

Justin led Maggie to her room and sat her down on the bed. "You going to be okay?"

"Yeah," Maggie said. She gave Justin a sloppy smile. "You know I was worried about you tonight?"

"Why?" Justin asked quietly. "Let's get your coat undone, sweetie, okay?"

Maggie lifted her fingers to the zipper and gave a half-hearted tug. "Because you were so out of it this week. And then you left the party. I was afraid you were going to decide to go back to wherever you came from. Tell me you aren't going to go back."

"I'll be going back at some point," Justin said.

"But not soon," Maggie said. She gripped Justin's face between her hands. "You can't leave, Randy. I won't let you leave."

"I'm not going anywhere, Mags," Justin said. He finished unzipping her jacket.

"Stay here with me," Maggie said. She patted the bed beside her. "I miss having you to curl up to."

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Justin said. "Your parents."

"Screw my parents," Maggie said fiercely, before her features formed a pout "Come on. Please?"

"Yeah," Justin said. "Okay." He sat down on the bed and pulled off his shoes. He lay down on the bed and Maggie nearly fell down on top of him.

"Don't go anywhere," Maggie said. "I'm not going to let you go anywhere."

"I'll hold you to that," Justin said. He hugged Maggie to him tightly. Closing his eyes, he sighed. Forget whether his reasons were right or wrong, he was where he needed to be, for better or worse.