January 15, 2001: ‘N SYNC Compound

JC watched the video playing on the TV screen. He didn’t move, he didn’t appear to register what he was seeing, he merely stared. That appeared to be all he could do.

He blinked. His eyelids moved back to their wide stare.

His finger moved on the remote he clutched in his hand. The video suddenly started moving backwards, jagged white lines running through the screen. He watched the images on the screen go in reverse for a few moments, but then his finger moved again and the images stopped all together. The screen went black and there was a faint hiss of static as the electricity went off.

JC got up from his place on the bed and walked towards his closet. He opened the door and looked in the mirror hidden on the inside. His face was colorless, his eyes held no emotion, and there were deep black gauges where the normal circles under his eyes were.

"That’s what you get for watching TV all night Chasez," he muttered, a slight hint of a chuckle entering his voice. "Serves you right."

His eyes moved from the face in the mirror to the piles of videos sitting on the bed. They were all labeled boldly, the words visible from where they were strewn around the bed. His eyes scanned the titles.

‘It’s Gonna Be Me’
‘God Must Have Spent’
‘MTV Moments- Courtesy of MTV’
‘I Drive Myself Crazy’
‘U Drive Me Crazy’
‘’N SYNC ‘N The Mix’
‘Tearin’ Up My Heart’
‘’N SYNC Top 40- Courtesy of MTV’
‘I Want You Back’
‘This I Promise You’

Two were missing from the pile, both because he didn’t want to think the thoughts they suggested. One because of the title, and one because of the circumstances under which the song had been composed and the video recorded.

His eyes moved to the shelf beside the bed and stared at the two videos standing neatly on the golden wood.

First was ‘Are You Gonna Be There?’ and then ‘Bye, Bye, Bye.’ With the decision he had to make, he didn’t feel like asking himself the question or contemplating the statement.

With the decision he had to make, he had to get out of the room. Too many memories— both good and bad— were associated with the room.

He looked out the window and saw the gray streaks in the sky, hinting at the approaching dawn. He looked down at his watch. 5:25.

Practice was at ten. He had to make his decision by then. Why should they all have to go through one more practice if it was for naught?

He reached into the closet and pulled one of his jackets off the hanger.  He pulled it on, ran a hand through his hair, walked across the room, and out the door.

Lance pulled the pillow over his head and sighed. A seven-hour practice on no sleep was not something to look forward to. At least he wouldn’t be the only one out of it. When he’d walked past JC’s door at 2:30 the light had still been on, and he’d heard the sounds of ‘Tearin’ Up My Heart’ coming from the TV.

He pulled the pillow away from his head. From somewhere in the hallway he heard a door shut.

Lance glared at the clock beside his bed. 5:27. Curious, he got up from the bed and walked quietly to his door. He opened it soundlessly and peered out into the hall.

He felt his heart plummet at the sight of JC walking down the hall, head down, shoulders slumped. The older man did not look happy. And that couldn’t be good for any of them.

Lance stepped back into his room, but before he could shut his door he heard the front door shut.

Swallowing, Lance quickly grabbed his jacket and left the room. Hopefully, he’d still be able to catch sight of JC.

Johnny drove his car through the wrought iron gates of the ‘N SYNC Compound. He spun the wheel, moving the car around the circular driveway. The gravel crunched under the wheels as they rolled. He parked the car in front of the large house and stepped out into the cool morning air. He nodded to the bodyguard stationed at the front door, and began walking to the door.

"Mr. Wright," the guard said.

Johnny stopped. "Yeah?"

"JC and Lance have been out in the garden for two hours." The guard turned to look out at the stretch of green and flowers, a worried expression on his face.

Johnny looked to the left and saw Lance on one of the lawn chairs.

"Is something wrong?" Johnny asked.

The guard shrugged. "There’s been some yellin’, and JC don’t look like he’s slept in days."

Johnny nodded slowly. He’d heard a little about the yelling from Lonnie. "Okay. I’ll go see what’s up."

He moved away from the door of the house, and over to the garden area. The grass muffled his footsteps, but Lance still looked up as he approached.

"This is going to wreak havoc on your voice," Johnny said as he sat down.

Lance shrugged, and turned his head back in the direction he’d been looking.

"What’s up?" Johnny asked.

Lance opened his mouth, but closed it before he said anything.

"Come on, Lance," Johnny said. "I know there’s been some strain in the group. I want to help, but I can’t help if I don’t know what’s going on."

Lance snorted at the word ‘strain.’ "Some strain?" he asked. His voice was rough from the cold morning air. "I think we’ve come to the point of the soap opera where I ask what happens when we break our contract and ‘N SYNC breaks up."

Johnny stared at Lance. The younger man was still staring off into the distance. His voice was calm, his eyes dry.

"What?" Johnny asked. "But we’re going on tour in eleven days!"

"Maybe," Lance said. He shrugged. "Maybe not. At the moment, that’s a question I’d really like to know the answer to."

"I don’t understand," Johnny said. He shook his head as if trying to clear it. "The tour was your guys’ idea. What happened?"

"I fucked up," Lance said. He turned back to Johnny. "Is that what you want to hear? I pushed Josh over that fine line he’s been riding for weeks. He wasn’t sure about the tour to begin with, and now he’s even less sure." Lance motioned in the direction he’d been staring. "Our future rests in his hands."

Johnny squinted in the direction of Lance’s hand. He could barely make out JC curled on another lawn chair.

"Let me go talk to him," Johnny said. "He needs to know he can’t do this."

"And you think that you’re the person to tell him that," Lance said. "Come on, Johnny. With your guys’ relationship I think you’d push him all the way over the line."

Johnny looked about ready to protest, but bit his tongue. "It’s that bad, huh?"

Lance nodded. "Now again I ask, what happens when we break our contract?"

Johnny stood up. He looked at JC. "He’s not going to take off or anything is he?" He turned to Lance and nodded when the singer shook his head. "Then let’s go over the contract."

Lance stood up slowly, his joints apparently stiff from sitting still for so long. He sighed heavily. "Let’s."

"We should have gone out to dinner last night," Chris said to Joey as they walked towards the practice room. "Then I wouldn’t be wondering if there’s even a group to practice with today."

"There’ll be a group today, at least," Joey said. "I think Lance said some things to make Josh think. Tonight though…"

"I almost wish we’d knocked on the door," Chris said. "Maybe we wouldn’t be having these worries this morning. Then this would have all come to a head last night."

"Lance said it best," Joey said. "We scream, we yell, and we drop it. But we also don’t eavesdrop."

"We had a right," Chris said. He tore the top off of the thin blue pixie stick and poured the contents onto his tongue. "We have a right to know anything that concerns the group. Remember, that’s what started the most recent set of problems?"

"Yeah," Joey said. He waited for Chris to catch up with him. "I guess."

"You think either of them would tell us exactly what was said last night?" Chris asked. "You think in any other situation JC would willingly admit that he didn’t necessarily want Justin back? You think Lance would tell us anything that was said? I have a feeling that this would fall under his list of things to remain confidential."

"Yeah," Joey said again, still uncertain. "I just don’t exactly feel right about eavesdropping."

Chris turned to Joey and placed his hands on the taller man’s shoulders. "It was our right, Joe. We needed to know what was said. ‘N SYNC isn’t Justin’s group. It’s not JC and Lance’s group. It’s all of ours. Besides, when we do eventually sit down and talk, we both deserve to be on a level playing field with both of them."

Joey nodded, more certainly. He looked at Chris’s hands, and then at the older man’s pocket. "Have any extra of those sugar things? I think I’m going to need it to get through today."

Chris nodded and handed an orange pixie stick to Joey. He waited as Joey tipped it on to his tongue, swallowed, grimaced, and headed for the door.

Matt dribbled the ball slowly between his legs. "Basketball season really ruins holidays, you know?"

Justin nodded and continued the movement, rolling his neck in a motion designed to stretch the maximum number of muscles. "It’s not that bad though." His voice was muffled by the fact that his chin was digging into his chest. "It is ten."

"But it’s a holiday," Matt continued. He moved the direction the ball was bouncing so it went from side to side in front of him. "That’s synonymous with sleeping till two."

"Maybe in your house," Stu said as he walked into the gym. "I still had to be up before five to do chores."

"And that’s why I’ll never be a farmer," Matt said. "It’s all about Hollywood for me."

Stu glanced at Justin, as if waiting for him to say something. He was sitting on the ground stretching out his legs, apparently not listening to the conversation. "But first you’ll have to be discovered," Stu said.

"Come on," Matt said. He smiled widely, the sort of smile one might practice in a mirror. "With a face like this how could I not be discovered?"

"You’d better not be discovered with that face," Kevin said. He jogged slowly up from the basket at the far end of the court. "I don’t want to have to see that ugly mug everywhere I look."

"But you can say you knew me when," Matt said.

"I’m sure I’ll be saying that a lot," Justin said. He looked up from his spot on the floor. "Maybe you can hook me up with someone famous, or something."

"Will do," Matt said. He bounced the ball to Stu as the coach walked into the gym.

"The earlier we get started," Coach began, his voice silencing even the bouncing balls. "The earlier we can go enjoy our day off."

"Woohoo!" Matt said.

"You guys should know the routine by now," Coach said. "Thirty laps, pronto."

And with that, the only sound in the gym was that of muttered grumbling, and feet pounding the oiled boards.

"Did we not agree to meet here at 10?" Wade asked as he paced the room. He glared at Joey and Chris. The two men sat on the floor resting. "It’s 11:30 now."

"Yeah, well…" Chris started. He looked at Joey as the younger man wiped the sweat off of his forehead. "There are some group issues we’ve been working out."

"You’ll be having serious issues if you aren’t ready to go back out on the road," Wade mumbled.

"There are some things that are more serious than the tour right at the moment," Chris said. "This happens to be."

"At least you guys are here," Wade said. He tried to smile. "Are the other two still working out on these said ‘issues’?"

"Yes, they are," Chris said. He looked at Joey and then back at Wade. "I would seriously consider canceling the rest of practice today. I don’t think just the two of us working is going to do much good."

"Two words," Wade said. "Eleven days. You absolutely cannot skip practice today. We need to find Lance and JC and get this practice back on track."

"We know we can’t skip practice today," Joey said. He looked at Chris. He continued. "But this is an issue that basically decides whether or not we have any more practices."

"What?" Wade asked. He stared at the two men, the look of confusion on his face smoothing into a look of concern, disgust, and worry. "Oh. But Johnny hasn’t—"

"Oh will do it," Chris said.

"We’ll call you later if we need to reschedule the practice for today, or…" Joey started. "We’ll just call you later."

Wade was staring at the ground as he walked to the front of the room to pick up his bag, and then continued out the door.

It was when the door was shut that Chris spoke again. "I’m going to kill them. Practice is practice."

"But do you really want to practice for nothing?" Joey asked. "If I’d known they were going to skip, I would have skipped."

"Practice is still practice," Chris said. "We don’t skip practice. Not unless we’re on our deathbed."

"Not even when the group is dead in the water? Or drowning in the water, or something?" Joey asked.

"Not when we don’t know for sure that it is," Chris said. "I swear, one of these days I am going to kill someone."

"Just don’t let it be me," Joey said.

"Passing," Coach said as he paced in front of the ten players. "We need to work on it. The passes just weren’t getting where they needed to go last Thursday."

Justin turned and saw Josh’s eyes on him. He turned back to the coach.

"We’re going to scrimmage," Coach continued. "Your normal teams. I want four passes before any baskets are taken, okay? And you will be on the shot clock."

Five of the guys ran to the bench and pulled off their practice shirts. Justin grabbed the ball from the coach and dribbled lightly, warming up his fingers. He looked at Josh as the other teen came up to him.

"You think you’re actually going to be able to play ball tomorrow?" Josh asked.

Justin narrowed his eyes. "It’s called an off night," he said. "We all have them."

"You ruined my image of you," Josh said. "Here I thought Randy Smith was perfect. Damn, now I’m going to have to find someone else to aspire to be."

"Damn," Justin said sarcastically. He saw the rest of the players back on the court ready to play. "Are you gonna get back in your spot, or do I have to find someone else to pass to?"

Josh looked at the court and then back at Justin. His eyes were narrowed, and he looked like he was barely refraining from speaking. He ran down the court.

"And start!" Coach said.

Justin slapped his palm to the ball and dribbled slowly down the court. As Matt moved up to guard him, the ball left Justin’s hands and flew to Kevin. From there the ball traveled to Brent, and then to Stu, to Josh, and back to Justin, who had moved right underneath the basket. The ball dropped through the net, the strings barely swooshing.

Justin waited until Josh started running up the court and then quickly caught up with him.

"Just so you know, I’m back on, so you can aspire to be me, if you want."

Josh grimaced as Justin turned to guard Matt.

"They’d better have a good reason for not showing up," Chris said as he followed Joey down the hall that all their bedrooms branched off of. "Because if they don’t…"

"I don’t want them to have a good reason," Joey said. "Because the only good reason I can think of is one that I really don’t want to hear."

"I’ll take Lance, you take JC," Chris said. He started for Lance’s door.

"No," Joey said. He put a hand on Chris’s arm. "I’ll take Lance, you take JC." He pushed past Chris and took the few steps to Lance’s door. "Go on. Josh is waiting for you."

Chris sighed and walked to JC’s door. He knocked, but didn’t hear any movement. He put his hand on the doorknob and tried to turn it. It wouldn’t budge.

"Fuck," he muttered. He rattled the knob. "JC!"

Joey came running out into the hall. "Lance isn’t there."

Chris stared at Joey for a brief moment, before turning back to JC’s door more frantic than before. "JC!" He pounded on the door and rattled the knob, trying unsuccessfully to jiggle the catch loose. "JC, OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!"

Joey ran to his side. "JC! Are you in there man?"

"He’s not."

Both men turned around and saw Lance standing at the entrance to the hallway, a stack of papers under his arm.

"Where the hell have you been?" Chris asked. "We did have practice this morning, you know."

"Where’s JC?" Joey asked at the same time.

"He’s in the garden," Lance said. He’s been there since 5:30. I think he’s asleep in one of the chairs."

He shifted the papers so that he was holding them in both his hands. "And I’ve been looking up what exactly happens to us if we break our contract with The Firm, not to mention earning MTV’s undying hatred."

"Oh," Joey said.

"Oh," Chris said.

"I figured we’d better have it soon because we could need to know sooner than we thought…" Lance trailed off. "When I saw him walk out that door this morning, he didn’t look happy… So, yeah."

"Uh-huh," Chris said. "Do we go wake JC up?"

Lance shook his head. "We want him making this decision when he’s rational. He holds the rest of our lives in his hand."

"Yeah," Joey said. "He does."

"Besides, I think the longer he thinks about it, the more likely he is to make the right decision."

"Which is?" Chris asked.

"Whatever we’re meant to do," Lance said. "He was up all night thinking, but I’m sure you both knew that."

Chris looked surprised. "Uh, no."

Lance laughed. "I’m not stupid guys, I know you were listening at the door. I’m sorry I didn’t call you in."

"What are you talking—?" Joey started, but Chris cut him off. "Not a problem."

"It will be okay," Lance said. "For better or for worse, it will be okay."

"I take it you’re feeling better," Stu said as he walked up to Justin.

Justin looked up from his locker, nodded, and turned back to rooting his clothes out of the metal box.

"Josh looked about ready to shoot you out there on the court," Stu continued. He sat down on the wooden bench. "What’d you say to him?"

"Just said I’m back," Justin said. He turned to Stu and looked at his friend. "And I’m not going anywhere."

Stu silently blinked. "Listen Randy, I just wanted you to think about—"

"Stop," Justin said. "I know, okay? I’ve thought, and I know."

"I know," Stu said. He sighed. "I’ll drop it, okay man? You’ll never hear another word about it."

"Good," Justin said. "I’m over it. I’ve moved on." He lowered his voice so that only Stu could hear him. "And I told the guys I’m staying."

Stu looked confused. "I don’t know what you’re talking about."

"Okay," Justin said. He looked a little disconcerted. "Good."

"What’re your plans for the rest of the day?" Stu asked.

Justin shrugged. "Mags has to work, so…" he trailed off.

"Want to go grab some lunch?" Stu asked. He smiled widely.

Justin bit his lip lightly. "I can’t. I’m meeting Maggie at one. We were going to go grab something."

"Oh," Stu said. His smiled faded. "Okay then. I guess I’ll catch you later."

"Yeah," Justin said. "Later."

Stu nodded, and turned to leave the locker room.

"Hey, Cross," Justin said. He watched as Stu turned back around. "Maggie’s dad got three tickets to the KSU- KU game on Saturday. You want to go?"

Stu smiled again. "The KSU- KU game? Those tickets are nonexistent! Of course I’ll be there."

"Cool," Justin said.

"Later man," Stu said as he turned back around.

"Later," Justin said. He turned back to the lockers and smiled.

JC was warm. That was the sensation his brain registered as he woke up.

He could feel the sun through his closed eyelids, the flesh a bright red against his eyes from the incessant light. He opened his lids and blinked, trying to block out the light. He burrowed his head closer to the chair and started to try to go back to sleep.

But conscious thought had already started. He shouldn’t be this warm. The sun shouldn’t be that high up in the sky.

The sun shouldn’t be that high up in the sky.

JC sat up quickly. The sun was nearly overhead in the sky. He quickly looked down at his arm, pushed up his sleeve, and looked at his watch.

12:30

"Shit," JC muttered. He stood up from the lawn chair quickly, and nearly ran to the compound. He banged open the side-door and walked quickly through the house.

He went to the practice room, opened the door, and found the room to be empty. He walked back to the living room, and noticed the silence.

He moved down the hallway toward the bedrooms. He saw that Chris’s door was open.

"Chris?" he called before he knocked on the door. "What’s going—?"

He saw Chris sitting on the bed with Lance. Joey and Johnny had taken the two chairs in the room.

"Hey," JC said. He looked nervously down at his arm, and picked at the edge of his sleeve. "I fell asleep outside and I just woke up."

"We know," Chris said. His voice was cold.

"Oh," JC said. "Why didn’t you guys wake me? Practice was at ten, right?"

"What would the point have been?" Joey asked. His eyes bored into JC. "Do we have any reason to practice?"

"I think I’ll let you guys talk," Johnny said. He stood up and walked to the door. "I’ll be in my office." He went out into the hallway and shut the door behind him.

"Have a seat, Josh," Chris said. He waved his hand at the chair Johnny had vacated.

JC looked at the chair as he moved towards it, and then stared at his hands. Widening his eyes innocently, he looked around the room at his three band mates. "What’s up?"

"Cut the crap, Josh," Chris said. "Are we a group, or aren’t we?"

"Have you made your decision?" Lance asked, before JC could say anything.

JC sighed. He looked at Joey, waiting for the man to say something. Joey nodded and indicated for JC to say something.

"I take it Lance told you what I said last night?" JC asked. He stared heavily at Lance, the gaze almost a glare.

Chris opened his mouth, but Lance spoke first. "Yes, I did. They have a right to know."

"They do," JC said. He sighed again, and ran a hand through his hair. "I’ve done a lot of thinking in the last 24 hours."

"I hope so," Chris said.

Joey glared at him. "Let the man talk."

"I want to keep going," JC said. He felt his face relax into a grin.

The three other men smiled, relief evident on their faces.

"Oh thank god," Joey said. He sat forward and let his head fall into his hands.

"But," JC said. "The tour’s it. If Justin’s not back by the end, then I’m done. I’m not going to hold on any longer. I’d rather quit while we’re at least semi-ahead instead of pathetically holding on until we fade into non-existence. I’m going to tell him that too."

"That’s fair," Lance said. "Can I ask what made you change your mind?"

JC felt his lips curl into an almost smile. "We’ve had too many good times. Maybe I’m not as ready to throw them all away as I thought."

Lance nodded. "I’m glad."

"Me too," Chris said. He looked at the three other men. "So do we call Wade and tell him to get his ass back over here?"

"Nun-uh," Joey said. He stood up from his chair. "We have a day without practice, guys." He shoved his hand through the air towards JC. "Don’t say it, Josh. I know we only have ten days left. We need to go do something together though. All of us, and no one else. And no talking about Justin."

"Cool," Lance said. He smiled.

"Yeah," Chris said.

"Sure," JC said.

"Deal," Joey said. He walked to the door. "Giovanni’s here we come."

The three other men laughed and stood up. They headed for the door.

Johnny sat in his office staring at the papers specifying ‘N SYNC’s contract in front of him. He sighed, and massaged his temples. He sat back in his chair.

Sounds came from the living room. Sounds of laughter. Sounds of… happiness. Sounds of…

Johnny smiled. He sat forward, grabbed the pages in front of him, and stuffed them back in the folder on top of his desk.

It was late when JC entered his room. The videos were still scattered on the unmade bed. The closet door was still open.

He sat down at his computer. Lance had told him to start rebuilding his friendship with Justin. He wanted to start rebuilding his friendship with Justin.

He turned on the computer and loaded the email program.

There were five messages in his inbox. He clicked on the inbox, and noticed one from Justin.

Dreading the words in the message he clicked on it.

"So you want a group to come back to," JC said quietly, when he’d finished reading the letter. He clicked reply and let his fingers move to the keyboard.
 

Justin,

To answer your question, there will be a group to come back to, provided you come back before the end of the tour. ‘N SYNC is not four people, and I’m not going to try to make it four people for an indefinite amount of time.

You say you’re doing what you have to do. Fine. Do what you have to do. It is your life. But we have our lives too. I’m not going to sit around forever waiting for you to come back. We all knew we had a shelf life when we started out. When we leave, I want to go out with a bang, not fade into oblivion. I’m not going to end up on one of the ‘where are they now’ specials. ‘N SYNC has been at the top, and I believe we can be at the top again. We can’t do it without you though, so why should we even try?

It is your life. You’re making the decisions you have to make. I hope living in obscurity makes you happy. I hope it will continue to make you happy if you don’t come back, because if you don’t come back, the ‘what might have been’s’ will be on your head.

Part of me was ready to give up last night. I was ready to say screw the tour, *screw* you. I have a potential beyond ‘N SYNC. We all do. And then I thought. I stayed up all night. I watched our videos. And I thought. There is so much we can do as a group still, and I didn’t want to be the reason we didn’t achieve it.

We’re going out on tour in ten days. I will be happy to be there. And I’ll be meaning it when I say I want you back. I want you to come back so badly I can taste it. At the same time I don’t want you to come back because everything will have changed. I wish I could say nothing has changed and everything will be the same as before you left. It’s not true, and we all know it. I wish you’d talked to us, Justin. I wish that you hadn’t run away. I wish you’d never come back. I wish you’d come back this second.

I’m rambling now, but the big thing I’ve learned in the last weekend is that we need to be honest. You can’t expect everything to be smooth sailing when you come back, which you say you will, but I trust, no, I *know* that we’re strong enough to survive it.

So, until the end of the tour then, (Or before, please god, before) your brother, Josh.