Tuesday, January 16, 2001

The computer lab was busy. The room was filled with quiet chatter, the quiet clicks of keys and buttons, and the idle beeps of machines’ protesting actions.

Click.

Justin closed the window on the computer screen and pushed himself away from the computer. The chair rolled backwards on the floor. He stood up and sighed with relief. He felt like he was in a different body, all arms, legs, and adrenaline. He pushed the chair back to the table and walked towards the door, smiling at people on the way out.

He could not have been in a better mood. There was going to be a group to go back to.

The hall was even busier. People walked, strolled, meandered through the locker-lined hallway. They talked, they laughed, they swore, they shrieked.

He felt like he could laugh, and shriek, and jump up and down. He had a group to go back to.

He calmly pushed through the students until he was at his locker. He opened it, turned the combination on the lock, and unzipped his backpack. He began sorting through the papers, books and binders in his backpack.

"Randy?" Maggie’s voice came through the hallway.

Justin turned in the direction of the sound and smiled. "Hey."

"Where were you?" Maggie asked as she came to a stop. She leaned against the locker next to Justin’s. Her lips pouted slightly. "I went to your classroom, but you’d already disappeared."

"I had to go check my email," Justin said.

"Didn’t you do that this morning on your computer?" Maggie asked.

Justin shook his head. "Ran out of time." He zipped up his backpack and closed the locker door with a clang. He moved so he was standing in front of Maggie. She turned so her back was against the locker.

"You were sort of late this morning," Maggie said with a grin. "Made me feel better since I know you’re always waiting on me."

Justin nodded. "Oh, I don’t mind." He moved his hands so they were resting on either side of her. His fingers were splayed against the cold metal. "It’s normally my fault anyway, for distracting you."

"Damn right it is," Maggie said. She grinned widely. "I always used to be beyond punctual. Now…"

"I know," Justin said. "I’m a bad, bad person." He leaned in and kissed her softly.

"You are," Maggie said when they parted a few moments later. Her arms had moved up around his neck. "Bad, evil."

"Mm-hmm," Justin said. He leaned down to kiss her again. Then he kissed her forehead.

"You’re in a good mood," Maggie said. She cocked her head slightly to the left. "What brought on this change?"

Justin shrugged and smiled. "I told you. I was just a little homesick. I get that way sometimes. Now I’m fine."

"You actually look it," Maggie said. She reached up and ran a hand down the side of Justin’s face.

The bell rang and the couple parted. Justin held onto Maggie’s hand tightly as they made their way down the hallway.

"Hey, Mags?" Justin asked suddenly. "On Saturday, were you saying something about the ‘N SYNC concert?"

Maggie nodded and smiled. "I am so there!" Her voice was excited, even as her smile faded slightly. "I think it might be their last tour though."

"Why do you say that?" Justin asked. His heart began beating just a tad bit faster.

"Because," Maggie started. She bit her lip slightly. "I think they’re fading. I mean, do you really see an ‘N SYNC without Justin Timberlake?"

Justin paused the mandatory moment to contemplate the statement. When he answered his voice was slow and deliberately uncertain. "No."

"Exactly," Maggie said. "They originally said they were going to keep going, but how long do you think they’re really going to wait? I just can’t believe they haven’t found him yet." Her face suddenly brightened again. "But I will be able to say I saw them at both their last concerts. The last one with Justin. And the last one period. How many people will be able to say that?"

Justin mentally started. She’d been at his last concert. She’d seen his farewell performance. He’d known her for two and a half months. How could he have not known that?

"What day is the Wichita concert?" he asked. He tried to keep his voice casual and disinterested. He needed to find out the information he wanted and get away from the topic of ‘N SYNC.

"March 4," Maggie said. "I think. It’s a school night, but…"

"Cool," Justin said. They arrived at the classroom and made their way to their seats.

March 4. That was how long the group was going to last without him. A month and a half. Six weeks. The guys had been generous, giving him the time he’d asked for, finally. Maybe they finally understood.

Maggie leaned forward, and whispered in his ear: "You are coming with me, you know that, right, Randy?"

"Huh?" Justin asked. His brain wasn’t able to leap back to their conversation.

"To the ‘N SYNC concert," Maggie said. "You are coming with me and Emily. You know that."

"Oh, yeah," Justin said. He knew. He had a vague remembrance of Maggie telling him that at some point. Not like he’d miss it anyway. "Of course. You know I wouldn’t miss ‘N SYNC for anything." He made his voice sound sarcastic. It only took a little effort.

Six weeks was a long time. He was sure he’d be ready to leave by then. Well, readier, anyway. He could go to the concert, go backstage, and everything would be dandy.

He had a group to go back to. They were waiting for him.

That was all that mattered.

Kerthwank, the ball bounced on the court. Kerthwank.

Justin looked his defender squarely in the eyes and then proceeded to run directly around him. His eyes moved to the painted green key of the other team’s court and immediately noticed Josh in the process of losing his defender.

The ball was flying through the air before anyone on the court knew what was happening. Josh caught it, hopped, and the ball fell through the net.

The red side of the court was a sea of enthusiasm and energy. The green side of the court was nearly empty.

Justin looked at the scoreboard. A total of 35 points separated the teams. For an away game, that was pathetic. There was a minute left on the clock.

He heard a whistle and looked towards a ref. He heard his name, and saw Matt running towards him. The rest of the second team was also jogging to their places. Justin slapped Matt’s hand and headed to the sideline. He wiped the sweat off his forehead as he walked to the bench. A ten-year old boy whose sole purpose was to give them water and towels shoved a sheet of white terrycloth at him.

"Thanks," Justin said. The boy glowed.

Justin wiped his forehead and looked at the bench. The only spot that was open was next to Josh. He sat down.

"I told you I’d be back on," Justin said.

Josh turned his head slightly and glared at him. "It’d be hard not to be back on with this team." His hand moved towards the ten men running down the court.

"But I am back on," Justin repeated. "I hope I’ve reestablished your faith enough so that you can once again continue your aspirations to be me."

"Fuck off, Smith," Josh said. "You’re just a self-centered prick. I don’t know why I’m the only one to see it, but I know the rest of the town will realize it soon enough."

"It takes one to know one," Justin said. He smiled easily. "Unfortunately, the entire town knows you’re one."

Josh growled, and was about to say something when the buzzer beeped for the last time.

Justin stuck out his hand. "Good game, Perkins."

Josh just growled again and stood up.

Justin let his hand fall to his side. His smile bubbled into laughter. He rubbed the towel once more across his face, stood up, and went to shake hands with the other team.

"I just don’t like ‘Everybody’," Chris said. He was sitting at the dining room table, stirring his cup of hot chocolate slowly. "It just doesn’t seem right."

Joey nodded absently. He leaned down, resting the side of his face against the table.

"Why?" JC asked. "Because it’s Backstreet’s song?"

"Yeah," Chris said. He scrunched up one of his cheeks in thought. "But at the same time, we’re not really coming back again. We didn’t really leave, so how can we be coming back again?"

"It’s symbolic," Lance said. "Sure, we never really went away, but it’s saying we aren’t leaving either."

"I know," Chris said. "I just don’t like it. I mean, do you guys like singing it?"

"Not really," Joey said. His voice was muffled by the crook of his arm.

"It’s no better or worse than any other cover," JC said. His shoulders shrugged.

"BSB was really nice in letting us use it," Lance said. "I think we need to stick with it."

"It’s not us though," Chris said. "We’re trying to say we’re ‘N SYNC."

"You’ve got a song you like more, don’t you?" Joey asked. His voice was tired, nearly emotionless.

Chris nodded, almost sheepishly. "Maybe I don’t like it better, but I think if we’re going to cover another boy band’s song, this would be more appropriate."

"Not O-Town," JC said. "I’ll do anything but O-Town."

Chris blushed. "It’s 2ge+her."

"What?" Lance asked. "You don’t want to sing Backstreet, but you’re willing to sing the fake boy band’s song?"

"I think it’d be nice gesture," Chris said. "I mean, they just lost Michael, and there’s no possibility of him coming back. It gives them recognition."

"Which song?" Joey asked. "That calculus song?"

"Yeah," Chris said.

"Again I say you want to do a fake boy band’s hit song in place of Backstreet?" Lance asked. "I like the song. I think it’s fun, but do we really want to sing it?"

"Yeah," JC said.

"We like to make fun of ourselves," Chris said. "Why should this concert be any different?"

"We’ve only got ten days left," Lance said. "We aren’t going to be able to learn a new dance to a new song in ten days."

"How hard can the routine be?" Chris asked. "We are the originators of the choreographed dance. They were making fun of us."

"We don’t even know the song yet," JC said. "How can we learn an entirely new routine and song in ten days. I’m going to have to side with Lance on this one. It’s impossible."

"Nothing is impossible," Chris said. "We’re ‘N SYNC, remember?"

The three men stared at him as if he were crazy.

"Just listen to it, okay?" Chris asked. "Please? It’s doesn’t sound that hard, and I really think it says what we want to say more than ‘Everybody’ says what we want to say."

Silence.

"Come on guys," Chris said. He stood up. "The CD is in my room. If you guys don’t like it then ‘Everybody’ it is. On a final note, don’t you think MTV would appreciate the gesture?"

The three men nodded and stood up.

"Let’s give it a listen," Joey said.

"D!"

Justin looked up from the locker he was using in the other school’s locker room and smiled at Kevin. The other teenager was walking down the aisle towards him.

"What up, Kev?" he asked.

Kevin sat down on the bench beside Justin. "Have you started studying for that class yet?"

Justin looked at Kevin, confused for a brief moment. "Oh, you mean Calculus?"

Kevin nodded.

Justin shook his head. "Huh-uh. You?"

Kevin shook his head. "Nope. You want to get together and work through the problems sometime before Friday?"

"Sure thing," Justin said. "That class is going to kick my ass. I never have understood integrals." He bit his tongue slightly to keep himself from talking anymore. He had to remember that he shouldn’t have had integrals yet.

"I feel you," Kevin said, apparently oblivious to Justin’s minor slip of the tongue. "Tomorrow night?"

"Sure," Justin said. "Your place?"

Kevin nodded. "Sounds good. See you tomorrow man."

"Bye," Justin said. He turned back to his locker and finished loading his clothes into his gym bag.

Chris stared at the three other men who were sprawled in various positions around his room. The final notes of the song faded, and he stopped the CD.

"Well?" he asked when none of the other guys made any move to speak.

JC was the first to meet Chris’s gaze. "I like it."

Joey nodded.

JC continued. "It would be a nice gesture too. We always profess that there aren’t any rivalries between the boy bands, but this would look good too."

"Can we pull this together in nine days though?" Lance asked. "Hell Week starts in three days. How can we add something now?"

"Everything else is going pretty well," Joey said. "Even Wade’s starting to admit I’ve got the steps down. And as Chris said, we developed the moves 2ge+her uses. How hard can it be?"

"Well, I’ll go along with it, as long as Johnny goes for it." Lance pressed his lips together so they formed a thin line of pale flesh.

"Who’s going to tell him his pet song is no longer in our show?" JC asked. His eyes sparkled. "I call not me."

"I call Chris," Joey said. "His song, he gets to fight the man for it."

"Damn the man," Chris said. He sighed, but smiled. "Josh, do you think you can pick this out on the piano?"

JC nodded. "Give me an hour or so."

"And hopefully I’ll be done arguing with Johnny by then," Chris said. "Hopefully."

"If you’re lucky," Lance said.

"Really lucky," Joey said.

"Luck is my middle name," Chris said. "Ten bucks I’m out in under an hour."

"You’re on," Joey said.

Forty dollars slapped onto Chris’s bed.

"You seem happier today," Stu said as he walked beside Justin down Main Street. The sound of the bus leaving the Mill Creek High parking lot was loud in the crystal night air.

Justin nodded. "We just kicked major ass," he said. "Who wouldn’t be happy?"

"Before that though," Stu said. "This morning even, and at lunch."

"Things are going good," Justin said. "The homesickness is gone."

"Homesickness?" Stu asked. He looked slightly confused.

"Yeah," Justin said. "You know, the reason I’ve been so out of it the last few days."

"Oh… yeah," Stu said. He nodded.

Justin grinned suddenly, an evil playful grin. "And you’re going to be happy too," he said.

"Why?" Stu asked. He looked confused.

"Because you, my lucky friend, are going to the ‘N SYNC concert on March 4th with me and Maggie." Justin grinned widely.

"No way," Stu said. "No. No way."

"Emily’s going to go too," Justin said. He frowned slightly. "I’ve got to go, and I don’t want to be stuck with two quivering masses of 18-year old female."

"Emily’s going too?" Stu asked.

"That change your mind?" Justin asked, a small grin at the corners of his mouth. Stu just couldn’t look disinterested when Emily’s name was mentioned.

"No," Stu said. His voice was stubborn, almost.

"But you’ll come," Justin said.

"Maybe," Stu said. "March 4?"

Justin nodded.

"I’ll have to see if my calendar’s free."

"This is Mill Creek," Justin said. "What else would you be doing?"

"Good point," Stu said. He looked around the empty street. "Last time I mention this, I swear, but—"

"No," Justin said. "I don’t want to hear it."

"You’re really going to stay that long?" Stu said. "That’s ‘til the end of the season."

"We’ll see," Justin said. He nodded slowly. "March 4 is my curfew. After that, there is no second chance."

Chris walked down the hallway towards his bedroom. His head hurt. His brain hurt. The liquid surrounding his brain hurt. It was amazing what an argument with Johnny could do to a person.

He walked into his room and closed the door. He jumped when he saw Joey on his bed.

"How’d it go?" Joey asked.

"It’s in the set," Chris said. He sat down in the chair by his desk and put his head in his hands. "The music’s coming tomorrow. Johnny talked to the executive of whatever company owns the rights to their stuff. MTV is beyond thrilled."

"I can imagine," Joey said. "Josh figured out the tune. We went over it a few times. Got familiar with it."

"I think it’ll be a good song," Chris said. He leaned back in the chair. "Johnny was not happy with us."

"We’re the one’s who are going to go out there and look like fools," Joey said. "Not him."

"He said something like that," Chris said.

"And it’s not going to be that hard a song to learn," Joey said. "It’s sort of repetitive. And it’s a really good gesture."

"And I said something like that," Chris said. He propped his forehead up with his hand, resting his elbow on the arm of the chair.

"He agreed," Joey said. "So it’s all good."

"Yeah," Chris said. "It is."

They fell into silence.

"Did you read Justin’s email?" Joey asked a few minutes later.

Chris nodded. "And Josh’s reply. It was a good reply, I think."

"I was thinking about emailing him too," Joey said. "Just to say I still care, you know?"

"He knows I’m pissed as hell at him," Chris said. "He’s probably glad he hasn’t heard from me."

"But don’t you think it’s important for all of us to start talking to him?" Joey asked. "Maybe that’s where we went wrong… Lance was talking to him. Then JC. Then Lance again. Maybe we all should have… make him feel loved, or something."

"He’s got his girl now," Chris said. "I sincerely doubt he’s lacking any love or attention. You know how Justin gets."

"Do you think he thinks he’s in love with this chick yet?" Joey asked. "He always falls so fast. Or thinks he does."

"It’d better be love," Chris said. "If he’s ruining the last years of my bubble gum pop career because of a fling based solely on infatuation or sex, I really am going to kick his ass."

"You would," Joey said. He nodded. "I would too."

"Yeah," Chris said. He yawned. "We need to get to bed. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow."

Joey got up from the bed and walked to the door. He slowly turned back around as his hand was on the knob. "You know," he said. A slight smile formed on his face. "It sounds really good to hear that."

Chris nodded. "Really good." He watched as Joey left the room and shut the door again. His eyes traveled to the bookcase next to the chair. He looked at the picture frame at his eye level.

"Fuck, Justin," Chris said softly. "This girl had better be the one, or I don’t know what I’ll do."

Justin was sitting cross-legged on his bed. His back was against the pillows. A pen rested lightly between his fingers.

His journal was at the other end of the bed.

With a deep breath he swung his legs behind him and lay down on his stomach.

Josh told me that things will be different. I know that. How can he think I wouldn’t know that? I’m not the same person I once was. I’m nowhere even close to being the Justin Timberlake that left the tour. I’m glad I’m not. If I was this whole trip would have been in vain.

I have until March 4th. That’ll be enough time for me, right?

I know I’m not ready to go back yet, but I can feel myself getting better. I’m actually beginning to miss performing. That’s probably just because I play ball in front of the crowds here. I still can’t even imagine getting up in front of 60,000 people. No way. Not yet. Not soon.

But look how much difference two months has made already. If I go back at the last possible moment, everything will be good, right?

And maybe by that point I’ll be ready to tell Maggie the truth. Maybe I can ease her into it. Maybe she won’t freak.

And then again, maybe I’m a dreamer. Maybe I won’t be ready to go back. Maybe the guys will break up before the end of the tour. Maybe Maggie and I will break up before I have to go back. Maybe I need to not go back.

I can’t think like that. No, Justin. No.

For the next two months, until I decide I’m ready to go back, there is no Justin Timberlake. You hear that mind? No Justin. It’s all about Randy. Randy Smith, high school student, basketball player, and self-proclaimed worst singer on the face of the earth.

Until March 4th then, this is Justin Timberlake signing off…

Goodnight.

Chris sighed. He looked at the computer screen in front of him. He looked at Justin’s message, the simple words that he didn’t want to see.

"I should write him," Chris said quietly. "Maybe Joey’s right." He scrunched a cheek up. "What harm could it do, really?"

He pressed reply and let his fingers type the thoughts that had been building inside his head. He read over the message, highlighting and deleting a good portion of it. When he pressed the send button it was three lines long, but somehow, those three lines encompassed two months of thoughts, worry, and anger.

He shut the laptop down causing the only light in the room to disappear. He walked over to the bed, crawled under the covers and slept better than he had since the night Justin got off the bus.