Thursday, February 1, 2001

Justin‘s eyes followed the players on the opposing team as they jogged down to the other end of the court.

"Mill Creek! Mill Creek! Mill Creek!" the Mill Creek fans shouted. Their clapping hands and stomping feet almost drowned out the screamed words, but not quite.

Justin looked back at Stu. The other teen was standing just outside the boundary line, balancing the ball lightly in his hands. Justin smiled out of habit, but when the gesture wasn’t returned he nodded curtly. He watched as Stu slapped his palm against the side of the ball before sending it in bounds.

Justin took the ball down the court, his eyes focusing on the defender moving towards him. He glanced to the left quickly, the movement of his eyes barely noticeable. Stu was behind him by a step--where he was supposed to be--guarding his back, leaving him a way out. He bounced the ball to the side.

Stu was there to pick it up. Justin watched as Stu maneuvered his way through the defenders, making his way to the basket. It was a simple two points.

"That was Cross for two." Travis’s voice echoed around the gym. "And Mill Creek leads by 5!"

The cheers drowned out the rest of the sound in Justin’s world, and for a moment he felt that that was the way it was supposed to be.

Justin blinked as he looked at the computer screen. The birthday song played over his laptop speakers and the words on the e-card were cheesy.

"Dorks," he said as he closed the Navigator window. He smiled, though, and blinked again, trying to ignore the dampness behind his eyelids.

He stood up from the desk chair and walked over to the bed, pulling his journal out from underneath the pillow. He opened to the first clean page.

February 1, 2001
The guys are dorks. The e-card they sent me… well, yeah. Probably something that I would have sent them. Hell, we deserve each other.

Justin blinked once, and began writing again.

Stu and I still aren’t speaking. He didn’t come to the party thing that Matt organized for me. He was there, outside, on the street. I saw him standing across the street in the shadows. He hasn’t shaken my hand after either of the last two games. Is he trying to drive me away?

It’s not going to work. I miss him, but I love the town too much to leave until I absolutely have to. I’m not going to be the one to cave, either. I’m not going to go apologize, and say that he was right, because he’s not right. He doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about.

I guess I’ve just got one question (something to make this rather pointless entry worthwhile)… Stu feels like I’ll hurt Mill Creek worse by staying and giving them hope that we could go all the way, if we even get that far… He seems to think that the guys need me more. What if we do get to those West Championships that Stu was talking about, though? I know I’m supposed to leave the night before, but what if I were to stay that extra night? The guys say it’ll be over, but it would just be one more day. Then when we lose the west champs… then I could go, knowing that I did the most I could.

I always said that I’d go back to ‘N SYNC, though. They said that it was March 4 period. No ifs, ands, or buts. If I asked though, would they give me 24 hours? And if they didn’t, would it be worth it if I helped the team go all the way (provided we get that far--and I know we can)?

I don’t know.

Friday, February 2, 2001

"Are you ever going to talk to Stu again?" Maggie asked. She dropped the crust of her sandwich into the brown paper bag sitting on the table in front of her.

"Yeah," Justin said. He pushed his shoulders upwards in a small shrug. "Maybe."

"You’re being stupid, Randy," Maggie said. "It’s just an argument. Emily and I argue, but we don’t just stop speaking to each other for weeks on end."

"I’m not caving on this one," Justin said. "If he wants to come apologize to me, then good. I’m not making the effort. If he can’t see why I’m doing what I’m doing, then maybe he’s not the friend I thought he was."

Maggie sighed.

Saturday, February 3, 2001

Maggie took a deep breath as her right hand set the parking brake on the truck. She looked at the house in front of her and ran her fingers through her hair.

She opened the door of the cab and slid out of the vehicle. Her feet landed heavily on the ground and a small puff of breath left her lungs. With one hand she slammed the truck door, effectively announcing her presence to anyone in the house. As she moved around the truck and towards the front of the house, she saw the curtains pull to the side slightly. A small face peered out at her. Maggie smiled.

The door was open by the time she got up the front steps.

"Hey, Maggie," Shell said. "Randy’s not here. He hasn’t been here in awhile."

"I know," Maggie said. "He’s at my house. Is Stu here by any chance?"

Shell nodded. "He’s in his room."

"Can I go see him?" Maggie asked, waiting for the girl to invite her into the house.

Shell nodded again. "Sure. Just go on back." She stepped away from the door.

Maggie moved into the house and looked around. The last time she’d been in there had been New Year's Eve. She moved down the hallway towards Stu’s room and then knocked hesitantly on the door.

"It’s open." Stu’s voice sounded dead.

Maggie pushed the door open. "Hey, Stu."

Stu looked up, surprised. He was sitting at his desk, his legs propped up on the flat surface, keyboard in his lap. "Maggie," he said. "You were probably the last person I expected to see."

"I’m sure," Maggie said. "You probably know why I’m here."

"He sent you, didn’t he?" Stu asked.

Maggie shook her head. "No. He wouldn’t do that, Stu. You know him well enough to know that."

"Sometimes I don’t think I do," Stu said.

"And that’s why I’m here." Maggie sighed and looked at the bed. "Can I sit down?"

Stu nodded.

"I know what happened, Stu. Randy told me." Maggie leaned forward, propping her chin on the slightly sweaty palm of her right hand.

"He did?" Stu asked. He leaned so far forward in his chair that he was almost standing. "He told you?"

"Yeah," Maggie said. "He told me that you told him to leave."

Stu sat back in the chair. Maggie thought he looked disappointed. "That’s all he told you."

"There’s more?" Maggie asked.

Stu was motionless for a moment before he shook his head. "No. There’s nothing more." His voice was deader than it had been before.

"There is," Maggie said. It was her turn to lean forward. "Isn’t there?"

"No," Stu said as he stared at the computer screen in front of him. "Nothing. I told him to leave, he got mad, and that was that."

Maggie narrowed her eyes. "You know something. Has he told you about his past at all? I know there’s something screwy there, but he won’t let me in. He said eventually, but…"

"I don’t know anything," Stu said. Again, his voice was dead.

"But you suspect something," Maggie said.

Stu closed his eyes and seemed to take a deep breath. "Yes, I suspect something."

"What?" Maggie asked.

"Nothing specific," Stu said. "I just have a feeling that Randy may not be everything we think he is."

"And that’s why you want him to leave?" Maggie asked.

"You think I really want him to leave?" Stu asked, giving a pained chuckle. "Fuck, Maggie, he’s my best friend."

"Mine, too," Maggie said. "But I don’t go around telling him to pack up and leave and abandon everything he’s built."

"Nothing good can come from him being here," Stu said. "Don’t you see that, Maggie? You said yourself that something’s screwy with him. How can that be a good thing for any of us?"

"Can you picture this town without him, though?" Maggie asked. "Do you realize he’s only been here three months?"

Stu’s mouth opened slightly, his eyes widening at the same time, but he smoothed out his features almost instantaneously. "And look how dependant we are on him," Stu said. "You know he’s going to leave eventually, Mags. Wouldn’t sooner be better?"

"No," Maggie shook her head. "You don’t understand, Stu. I need him. It scares me how much I need him—I told him that—and I don’t even know all of him. And the team needs him. You need him to go all the way."

"What if people somewhere else need him more?" Stu asked. He paused for a moment. "Like his parents? Or his family? Isn’t that more important than our basketball game?"

Maggie was silent for a few moments. "Obviously he wasn’t happy there."

"But maybe he could be now," Stu said. "Maybe now that he’s had a little chance to recuperate, and I don’t know, find himself?"

"Then I guess I’d tell him to go back," Maggie said. "But he doesn’t want to go back, Stu. He wants to be here. And it hurts him that you can’t see that."

"You know what hurts me?" Stu asked. His voice rose. "It hurts me that my best friend is a person who doesn’t exist—"

"He exists—" Maggie interrupted before Stu interrupted her.

"—He came into town in the middle of the night, Maggie. He ended one life and started a new one in a split second, and he could choose to end this one with as little warning. I can guarantee that the people in his old life didn’t see him packing his bags and getting ready to leave. They woke up one morning and he was gone. Do you know how much it’s going to hurt when we wake up and he’s gone?"

"He wouldn’t do that to us," Maggie said.

"And he doesn’t exist," Stu said. "You’re in love with a happy idea, Maggie."

"You’re wrong," Maggie said. Her voice was strained and faint and hurt. Tears were pooling at the bottoms of her eyes. "He told me that this was the real him. That the him before was the happy idea."

"Randy is the person he’s always wanted to be here," Stu said. "That’s what he told me. The person you really are and the person that you always want to be aren’t symbiotic. Fantasy can’t last forever." He only stopped when he saw the tears sliding down Maggie’s cheeks.

"Randy is not a fantasy," Maggie said. She stood up from Stu’s bed and made her way to the door. "I thought that maybe I could tell you how much you’re hurting him, Stu, how he’s been moping around the house, but obviously I have no hope of getting through. You say that he’s your best friend, maybe you should try showing it."

She slammed the door on the way out.

Stu let his head fall into his hands as the door slammed shut behind Justin’s girlfriend. "Fuck," he muttered.

His fingers fisted, digging his protruding knuckles into his eyes.

"Why am I the one that sounds like the bad guy?" he asked. He lifted his chin, staring up at the ceiling, hoping for an answer.

Justin was sitting at the dining room table, flipping through the pages of his calculus book when he heard the car door slam. He looked up when he heard the footfalls on the porch steps, and he smiled as Maggie opened the door.

"Hey," he said. The smile slid off his face as he saw her red rimmed eyes. He stood up and walked towards her, laying his hand on her shoulder. "Honey? What happened?"

"Nothing," Maggie said fiercely. She ducked out from underneath his hand.

"Okay," Justin said. He backed up a step. "What didn’t happen then?"

"Nothing," Maggie said again.

"You should know that answer isn’t going to work for me," Justin said. He crossed his arms over his chest and tapped his foot on the floor with mock impatience. "You never let it work when I give it to you so why should I be any different?"

"Fuck off, Randy," Maggie said. She backed up a step. "Who are you?"

"Huh?" Justin asked.

"I said, who are you?" Maggie said. "Stu said he didn’t know about your past, but that he suspected, and he said that you’re this fantasy, and that I was in love with a fantasy, and I said you weren’t and--"

"Wait," Justin said. "You went to see Stu?"

"Yes," Maggie said. "I went to see Stu. I’m tired of seeing you mope around and I know he’s the only one that can snap you out of this thing."

"My problem is with Stu," Justin said slowly. "There’s nothing that you can do." He paused and raked his teeth over his bottom lip. "What did he say?"

"He said that the person you were here wasn’t who you were when you weren’t here," Maggie said. "He said that you’d told him that. That here you were the person you’d always wanted to be, and he said that fantasy can’t last forever."

"I did tell him that," Justin said slowly, "but he got it wrong."

"How?" Maggie asked, but it was a statement more than a question. She crossed her arms underneath her breasts.

"Where I came from," Justin said. "I projected a front. I told you this, didn’t I, at some point? And here I don’t have to project that front."

Maggie nodded slowly, but she looked unconvinced.

"Stu’s right," Justin said. "It’s impossible to maintain a fantasy forever, and I couldn’t. I was living in a fantasy world where I came from and I couldn’t do it anymore. I told you that this is the real me."

"Why won’t you let me in, Randy?" Maggie asked quietly. "I want to know all of you. People ask me questions and I feel stupid because I don’t know the answer and I should. Your birthday’s just the latest example."

"It’s not about you, or my trust in you, okay?" Justin said. "I’d put my life in your hands. I can’t let anyone in."

"Stu knows, doesn’t he?" Maggie asked.

"No," Justin said, before he could stop himself. "Stu knows nothing that you don’t know. You know me so much better than Stu does. You can see that I can’t leave, that I don’t want to leave."

"He sees it, too," Maggie said.

"Huh?" Justin asked. "No, he doesn’t."

"He sees it," Maggie repeated. "You know how I told you that you couldn’t leave? Well, Stu’s doing the same thing, just he’s pushing you away instead of grabbing onto your hand."

"No," Justin said. "He’s not."

"He told me himself," Maggie said. "He said that he’s scared you're going to disappear into the night like you did last time and that he won’t see it coming and you’ll just be gone."

Justin stared at Maggie.

"You won’t do that, Randy, will you?" Maggie asked. She tilted her head slightly to the left. "I know you’ve got to go at some point, but you’ll give me some warning, right? You won’t just leave and never come back or tell us where you went, right?"

Justin covered the space between Maggie and himself in one stride and wrapped his arms around her. "No. I wouldn’t be able to do that."

"That’s what I thought," Maggie said. She cuddled into Justin’s chest. "Can you promise me that someday you’ll tell me about you? Everything?"

Justin nodded, his chin just brushing the top of Maggie’s head. "Someday, Mags, you will know everything."

"Sometime before we’re seventy and have five grown kids?" Maggie asked, her voice joking.

Justin tensed slightly at the mention of marriage.

"Randy, I’m joking," Maggie said slowly. "Don’t freak out on me, okay?"

Justin nodded again, and allowed his lips to crack into a smile. "I’ll tell you before we’re fifty and we have three grown kids, okay?"

"I can live with that," Maggie said.

For the second time that day the door to the pickup truck slammed in the Cross driveway. For the second time the curtain opened slightly and a small face peered out. For the second time the door opened before the visitor made it up the front steps.

"Hey, Randy," Shell said. Her smile was wide, and her hair looked as if her fingers had hurriedly fixed it. "Maggie left already."

"I know," Justin said. "I’m here to see Stu."

"He’s in his room," Shell said. She rolled her eyes. "I swear he’s lived there for the past week."

Justin nodded and stepped into the house, letting Shell shut the door behind him. He moved confidently down the hallway and knocked once on Stu’s door before opening it.

"What?" Stu asked as the door opened.

"We need to talk," Justin said. He stepped into the room and closed the door.

"We have nothing to say," Stu said. He focused his attention on the computer screen in front of him.

"Oh, no," Justin said. He deliberately walked over to Stu and pushed the power button on computer screen, shutting it off. He poked his finger at Stu’s face when the other teen looked up in protest, an enraged look on his face. "There’s lots to say. First, what in the hell did you say to Maggie?"

"I told her some stuff she needed to hear," Stu said.

"What sort of stuff?" Justin asked.

"That you were going to walk out in the middle of the night again," Stu said. He slowly sat forward in his chair. "That’s what you do. She deserves to know what’s coming, man."

"And she will know," Justin said. "I promised her. And I’m not going to be leaving in the middle of the night."

"Yes, you are," Stu said. "We’re going to the concert, and then you’re leaving, right? I consider that to be walking out in the middle of the night." He paused for a brief instant. "And so, fine, you tell her, but what about the rest of the town. Don’t they deserve the same respect?"

"I’d give some warning," Justin said. "I’d come up with something."

"Oh, yeah," Stu said. He scoffed. "I can just see you telling everyone, if we do start the State run, that is, ‘yeah, sorry, it’s been fun, but I’ve got to run back to my pop music group now.’"

"I’d tell everyone my parents had an emergency and needed me," Justin said.

"Coward," Stu said.

"Why don’t you just say that you’re the one who’s afraid of being hurt?" Justin asked. "That’s what you’re stepping around with all this self-righteous shit." He made his voice mocking. "Oh, the town. Oh, poor Maggie."

"I want you to leave," Stu said. "I told you that already and that’s what I will keep telling you. The sooner you’re gone, the sooner everyone’s lives can get back to normal, the sooner people can get used to the idea that we aren’t going to win State and the sooner we can just become the innocuous little town out in the middle of Kansas again."

"I love you, too, man," Justin said.

"Why the hell did you have to come here, Justin?" Stu asked. "Why couldn’t you choose the next town over? Our rival school, for crying out loud. You’d be helping us more if you’d done that."

"Maybe I’m not going to go back," Justin said slowly. "Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. You know what I had the other night, Stu? There was a birthday party for me. Me. Not Justin. People gave me presents because of me being me--and there wasn’t a single North Carolina shirt in the place. Do you know how many North Carolina shirts and hats and shit I get on my birthday when I’m on the road?"

Stu shook his head. He opened his mouth, but Justin continued.

"But the only reason I got any of it is because I was Justin Timberlake. These girls hoped that getting me a shirt would somehow get them an in with me. I was grateful, yes. I was always amazed and thankful that I had such wonderful fans, yes. But it never meant as much as any of the stuff I got on Wednesday."

Stu silently looked at his hands.

"I saw you there," Justin said. "Outside the pool hall. In the shadows. I wish you’d come in."

"I couldn’t," Stu said. "We aren’t speaking, remember?" He chuckled slightly as he rested his chin on his upturned palm. "Do you really mean you might not go back? That would have to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say."

"I don’t know," Justin said. "Maybe. Maybe ‘N SYNC is over anyway. You said it yourself, and the guys said it too. Nothing will be the same when I go home."

"Home," Stu said. "There. That’s your home. Not here."

"Home is wherever I am," Justin said. "I’ve spent too much time on the road for it not to be."

"And maybe you guys aren’t over," Stu said. "Maybe you guys will be the one group out of this whole genre to make it beyond the bubble gum pop label."

"And maybe we won’t be," Justin said.

"You would be so stupid to not go back," Stu said. "Do you know how stupid that would be?"

"But if I go back I’d let everyone here down," Justin said. "I can’t do that."

"And if you stay here you’d be letting the whole world down," Stu said.

"I don’t know the rest of the world, though," Justin said. "I don’t know, Stu. I look at my life and I ask myself what good am I really doing out there? I give girls heart attacks and take their money. I did start that music foundation thing, but that was more for publicity, and really, it’s just a small drop in the bucket of what our schools need. And then I ask myself, what am I doing here? I’m helping a town achieve something they’ve been striving years for. Tell me, what’s more important?"

Stu stared at Justin. "I couldn’t tell you," he said slowly.

"And now you see my dilemma," Justin said. "You are my best friend, man, and I don’t want to not talk to you for the next month."

"I can’t agree with what you’re doing," Stu said. "I don’t want to watch you play with peoples' lives anymore."

"Can you accept it though?" Justin asked. "I’m not asking you to agree, just to accept that I am doing what I need to do. I want to enjoy what might possibly be my last month of freedom ever. I’ll do something to limit the fall out, okay?"

Stu stared at Justin for a long minute. "Yeah," he said finally. "I don’t agree, but I’ll accept it."

"Thanks," Justin said. He smiled easily. "It’ll be okay, man. I swear."