Saturday, February 24, 2001

Justin stared at the pendant hanging on his wall. He looked at the bright red felt with the white plastic letters. He blinked.

He looked down at his hands, holding the group photograph now smudged by fingerprints. Smiles. Happy people.

"Guys," Justin said. He placed his thumb over his face in the photograph. "Please don’t make me choose."

He turned to his computer and pressed reply to the message he’d received from JC.

> March 4th, Justin. That’s it. If you’re not
> back by the time the clock strikes midnight…
> It’s over.

Guys, you don’t understand. 24 hours. That’s it. That’s all I’m asking.
I give you my word. There are people counting on me. I’m needed here.

The afternoon sun was glinting through the windows when Justin propped his feet up on the desk of the motel. He turned to Stu.

"I told Maggie I’d be leaving on the fifth," he said.

"But you didn’t tell her why, did you," Stu said.

Justin shook his head.

"You’re really leaving on the fifth, huh?" Stu asked. "Before State?"

"The guys said no to the extra day," Justin said. He stared at his feet.

"So you’re going back on the fourth?" Stu asked. He let his feet fall from the top of the Motel desk as he leaned forward. "You’re not going to come back from the concert?"

Justin shrugged again. "What are the chances of us actually making it all the way to State, anyway? For all I know we could not even make it past the first round of the Western Conference games and then it won’t even matter."

"Or we could get to State," Stu said.

"Or we could get to State," Justin repeated.

"And you’re just going to leave?" Stu asked. "What happened to limiting the fallout?"

Justin sighed. "I’ll make it be okay," he said.

Sunday, February 25, 2001: New York City, NY

"Bastard," JC spat. His feet paced the maroon plush carpet of Lance’s hotel room with long strides. "Bastard."

"JC," Lance said. He stepped in front of JC and rested his hands on the taller man’s shoulders. "Breathe."

"Why is he doing this?" JC asked. He shrugged off Lance’s hands and turned away, tugging at a clump of his long hair. "Why the hell can’t he get it through his skull that the fourth is the end. No ifs, ands, or buts." He turned back towards Lance.

"Because he has something he cares about there," Lance said. "You said that he said he has people depending on him there."

"He always has something he cares about," JC said. "It used to be the group. And aren’t we depending on him? Don’t our lives as we know them depend on him?"

"I’m going to ask again," Lance said. He sat down on the edge of double bed. "What’s the big deal about 24 hours."

JC plopped down on the bed beside Lance, rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands.

"We gave him a deadline in January," JC said. "He knew how fragile the group was and he said that he wanted a group to come back to."

"It’s only one more day," Lance said.

"It’s not the 24 hours," JC said. "It’s. It’s just not okay, what he’s asking for. He left us. He’s basically ignored us for months and he wants everything to be how it was when he--he--decides to come back."

"He knows it won’t be," Lance said.

"I told him in my letter I sent that if he wasn’t back by the end of the tour I was done," JC said. "It is only one more day, but who’s to say that that one more day won’t turn into another day, another week, another month."

"And who’s to say that he’s not telling the truth right now," Lance said. "He gave his word that he’d be back."

"He gave his word," JC said in a mocking tone. "How much do you think his word means to me right now?"

Justin leaned towards the computer at the front desk of the motel. This time the sun was high in the sky. "They’re being stupid and unreasonable," he said to Stu. "I really wish that Josh hadn’t chosen this to be the time to be stubborn and pig headed.

"Yeah," Stu said.

Justin read over the new email message for a second time.

"You say you’ll be back on the 5th, but really, Justin, how much do you think your word is worth to me right now." Justin swallowed as his voice cracked. "At one time I would have believed you, but I can’t let myself. Not when you’ve said for the last four months that you’d be back, that you wanted to come back, that everything would be fine and dandy in ‘N SYNC land."

"He’s pissed, isn’t he?" Stu asked.

"Yeah," Justin said. He continued reading the message. "What you did in November, that wasn’t necessarily wrong, but it certainly wasn’t right. What you’re doing now is just wrong. You beg us to give you time. We do. You beg us to trust you when you say that you’ll be back. We do and the first thing you do is ask for more time. I told you that I would leave the group if you weren’t back by the end of the tour. I will. Chris will too. And it will be on your head."

"He can be a bitch," Stu said.

"He’s just passionate," Justin said. He looked at Stu. "Do you think District would be enough?"

"What do you mean?" Stu asked.

"Would getting the District be enough for the town," Justin said. "I’d like to think that we’re a shoe in for that title."

"It’s not Western or State," Stu said.

"But would it be enough?" Justin asked.

"I couldn’t tell you," Stu said. He sighed. "I don’t think anything short of the State Championship would be enough."

Justin nodded.

Monday, February 26, 2001: MTV Times Square Studio, New York City, NY

Lance stared out the window of the studio at the people passing by on the street below. His breath left an opaque mist on the window in front of him. He raised his right hand and gently touched the glass, pressing all five fingertips and the palm of his hand to the cold surface.

"You okay, man?"

Lance turned around as Joey came up behind him. He let his hand fall back to his side.

"Yeah," Lance said. "It’s just been awhile, you know?"

"Uh-huh," Joey said. He moved so that he was standing next to Lance. "We’re going to be okay."

"I know," Lance said. "I. Do you think he’ll be back on the fourth?"

Joey shrugged. "It depends why he needs the extra 24 hours. If it’s really that important--"

"Do you think we should ask him why he needs it?" Lance asked. "Maybe if there was a good reason we could give him the extra time. Maybe Chris and JC--"

"You know how you said you were tired?" Joey asked. He turned to look at Lance out of the corner of his eye. "I think we’re all tired. We’ve been understanding for the past four months."

"We have," Lance said.

"We’ve put our lives--our careers--essentially on hold, and I think the point has come when we, as a group, can’t do it anymore." Joey turned away from the window and looked around the empty studio.

"If it were up to you," Lance said. "Would you give him the time he asked for?"

Joey kept his chin still for a few moments and then nodded with a slightly jerky motion. His face crumpled into a friendly smile. "Hell, if he came back in a month and said he wanted to get the group together again I’d probably go running."

"Do you think any of us have a life after ‘N SYNC?" Lance asked. "Or do you think we’re just going to become a ‘where are they now’ TV special?"

"I’d like to think we’d all be able to make it," Joey said slowly.

"But," Lance said.

"But," Joey repeated. "Before we all came together we were just five ordinary guys. Together we made something special happen, but who says we can embody that thing that makes us work so well together as a group individually."

"Yeah," Lance said. "I wouldn’t have said it so fancy-like, but."

"Yeah," Joey said.

February 26, 2001

District would be enough, right? It’s a banner to hang in the gym. Mill Creek H.S. 2001 District Champions! It has such a nice ring to it. Everyone in town would be so proud. And it would be more than anyone expected at the beginning of the season. Especially when we lost to the Varsity girls basketball team. That was funny.

I mean, it’s not like we’re going to get far in the Western Conference championships anyway. The other teams are ranked higher than us and they’re from bigger schools, and… It’s not like I’m even going to have a choice to make, right, because the season will be over.

So District will have to be enough. We dominated the league. We’re not going to have any problem taking the title.

Justin chewed on the blue plastic pen cap as he shoved the journal back underneath his pillow. "It’ll be cake," he said. "Pure vanilla cake."

"Guys," Carson said. He slapped hands with Joey and JC. "Welcome back to the show. It’s been awhile."

"Yeah," Joey said. "It has been."

"Things are going well?" Carson asked.

"Oh yeah," Chris said, his tone of voice bordering on being sarcastic. "Peachy keen."

"You’ve been on tour for almost a month now, right?" Carson said, holding the microphone loosely in his hands.

"Yeah," JC said. "Almost four weeks exactly."

"And how’s it going?" Carson asked. "Have you accomplished some of the goals that you were hoping to?"

"Yeah," Lance said. "I think we’ve raised awareness for runaway services all over the country. That was one of our main goals."

"But the biggest goal--" Carson trailed off.

"No, we don’t have Justin back with us yet," Joey said.

"And you still have no clue where he is?" Carson asked. "You know he’s alive still."

"At this point it doesn’t matter if we know where he is," Chris said. "What matters is that he wants to be back with us. If his heart's not in it--"

"What’s going to happen after this tour?" Carson asked. "Will you make ‘N SYNC officially a four person group, ‘cause you guys aren’t having any problems pulling the crowds or keeping the fans attentions."

JC looked at Joey who looked at Chris who looked at Lance.

"We’re fully expecting him to be back," Lance said.

"But if he’s not?" Carson prompted.

"Then whatever happens, happens," Chris said, effectively ending the line of questioning. "We’ll just have to wait for that situation to develop."

Bodin High School Gymnasium, Wichita, KS

"This place is huge," Matt said to Justin as they walked into gym. "Look at all those seats."

Justin looked around the gym. It seated maybe 2000. Even four months ago the gym might have looked tiny, but now it looked larger than he had thought possible.

"Yeah," he said.

"Our entire town would fit in this gym," Matt continued. "I heard that this school was bigger than our entire town."

"You almost sound nervous," Justin said with a small grin.

"Me?" Matt asked. "Nervous? Never."

"We’ve beat this team twice before," Justin said. "We’re going to have no problem’s tonight."

"Okay, men," Coach said into the huddle. He slapped his hand down on top of the ten players outstretched hands. "I don’t want you to be too confident out there. This team is good or they wouldn’t have made it this far."

"We want it more," Kevin said. "We deserve it more."

"Play smart," Coach said. "Remember what we’ve been working on in practice. Randy, take your time. This team likes to move fast and you’re more likely to throw them off if you don’t give them an idea of what you’re doing."

"Okay," Justin said.

"Kevin, watch number 35, okay?" Coach said. "He’s going to try to give us some trouble underneath the basket."

Kevin nodded.

"Let’s go out there and show them that we deserve to be the number one seed in these playoffs," Coach said.

The ten teens and Coach shouted "Go Mill Creek!" and threw their arms up in the air.

Thirty-two minutes of playing time later the Mill Creek fans stormed the court. Justin found himself surrounded by Bob and Cathy and Maggie, all of them patting him on the back and congratulating him.

"That was a no-brainer," Bob said. "I don’t think the old Coach could have led you guys to a better victory."

Justin smiled. Maggie linked her arm through his and he wrapped his arm around her waist.

"Congratulations, Randy," she said. "You have officially started the State run."

Justin wrapped his arms around her, picked her up, and twirled her around.

Matt came up behind him and threw his arm over Justin’s shoulders. He looked around the gym at all of the milling people. "Tomorrow night, that’ll be Parker slinking away."

Justin looked around the gym. "Of course it will be. They just don’t know when to give up."

JC paced the Madison Square Garden green room.

"He thinks that telling me I’m being unreasonable is going to make me change my mind," JC said. He ran his fingers through his hair. "That was a smart move, Justin."

"You told him you didn’t trust him," Joey said. "That’s just as good in my book."

"I don’t," JC said. "He can’t talk about being unreasonable."

"Maybe he has a good reason," Lance said. "Can you at least ask him? Maybe it is important."

"It doesn’t matter," JC said.

"But it does," Joey said. "It does matter. If it’s a good reason why he can’t be back here…"

"What constitutes a good reason?" Chris asked.

"Like he’s actually going to tell us," JC said. "He’s told us jack, guys. He’s not going to tell us what’s more important than us."

"You won’t know unless you ask," Lance said.

Tuesday, February 27, 2001

They want to know my reason for staying, Justin wrote on a piece of binder paper. He slid the paper across the table to Stu and turned back to the history teacher who was pacing the front of the room.

Stu grabbed the paper and read the line of writing. Justin saw his pen scratching across the white surface. He pulled the paper back across the desk when Stu was done writing.

Are you going to tell them?

Justin shrugged when he saw Stu glance at him. He bent down and wrote another line on the paper.

If I tell them they’ll be able to figure out where I am. Or where to start looking. Once they know where I am it doesn’t matter if they don’t pull me back, the game’s up, and the world will know. RS will officially be dead.

He waited until the history teacher had turned to the board before sliding the paper across the table again.

Stu took it. He wrote more on the paper and pushed it back to Justin.

But maybe they won’t come looking for you in the first place and you can stay until the end of the season.

Maybe, Justin wrote, but before he had a chance to slide it across the desk again, the bell rang.

"Maybe," he said.

Justin stared at the computer in front of him. He stared at the latest message from JC. He could almost hear the voice of the man he’d once called a brother saying the words in his head.

He rested his fingers on the keyboard, but no words came. With a sudden movement he pushed himself away from the desk and stood up.

"Forget this," he said. He grabbed his jacket off of the chair and started trotting down the stairs.

"Where’re you going?" Maggie’s voice came from her bedroom.

Justin stopped. "I’m going for a walk."

"Oh," Maggie said. "Are you okay?"

"Peachy keen," Justin said.

"You’re nervous about tonight, right," Maggie said. She came to the door of her bedroom. "You can tell me what’s going on. You don’t have to keep all of it bottled up inside."

"I’m fine," Justin said. "You’re right. I’m just a little tense about the game."

"Do you want company?" Maggie asked.

Justin shook his head. "I just need to get some fresh air and clear my head before I get on the bus tonight."

"Okay," Maggie said. "I’ll be here when you get back."

Justin nodded and continued down the stairs, through the house, and out the kitchen door.

The air was cool, but not freezing. It felt fresh in his nose and lungs. He walked out the gate surrounding the Hunter house and out onto the street. He headed down Main Street, kicking at the cement sidewalk blocks with the toe of his sneaker.

"I can’t handle this before the game tonight," he said. He took a deep breath. "I need to leave it off of the court."

"See," JC said. He motioned at the laptop sitting open on Joey’s bed. "No answer. He’s not going to tell us what’s going on."

"Maybe he hasn’t gotten it yet," Joey said. "He could have not checked his email, you know?"

"He checked it," JC said. "I tagged it so that I’d know he got it. He checked it . No response."

"You’ve got to give him time," Lance said.

JC glared at him. "That was so the wrong thing to say, Lance."

"You know," Kevin said as he sat down next to Justin in the middle of the court and extended his leg so that he could stretch the muscles, "this is almost getting boring."

"Boring?" Justin asked. He swallowed. "How can this be boring?"

"We’re playing Parker for the fourth time," Kevin said. "We’ve won the last two. We know it’s going to be a close game. It’s like we’ve been here and done that."

"But this game actually means something," Justin said. "If we lose tonight there’s no guarantee that we’ll be asked to go on. This could be the last game of our season."

"It might be the last game of my high school career," Kevin said. "But it’s still getting boring. Woo! Rivalry! Three-peat."

Justin nodded.

"You can only be tense so many times and play the same people so many times before it starts to get boring," Kevin said. "That’s all I’m saying."

"Yeah," Justin said. "It could be worse, though. We could be playing the same game every night for a season."

"I’d go insane," Kevin said.

It was rather dejavú like, however, when Justin stared across the circle in the center of the court at Parker’s point guard. The movements seemed familiar when the Parker player jumped up in the air and batted the ball. The familiarity stopped when the ball flew to another Parker player and then fell through Parker’s basket a mere ten seconds later.

"Fuck," Josh muttered as he jogged by Justin.

"Oh dear," Shell said. She was hanging onto Emily’s arm. "That’s bad, isn’t it? If they get the first basket and the tip off?"

Emily looked at Maggie. "No, Shell, its just superstition."

"Yeah," Maggie said as she crossed her fingers on both hands. "Just superstition. We’re still better."

"See," JC said as he stepped into Lance’s room, holding his laptop open. "Still no email. Still no explanation. He’s not going to tell us, Lance."

Lance sighed. "You know what, C?" He turned around and walked over to his bed. "You may say that the reason our group broke up is because of Justin, but it won’t be. It will be because of you."

"It won’t be," JC said. "It will not be because of me. I told him--"

"And you’ve given him a chance," Lance said. "I know. But you’re so obsessed with making sure that you’re not the one to blame that you can’t see that maybe he really does have his reasons."

"What--" JC stared at Lance.

"He’s been gone four months, JC," Lance said. "That’s enough time to build a life away from here. Maybe he does have to be there."

"Then maybe he should just stay there," JC said. "We need him. There’s never been a question about that. We were here first, and I’d like to think that what we spent all of our time building might be a little more important than what he spent four months concocting."

"With your attitude about this, he’s going to stay in Kansas and not look back." Lance dragged his fingers through his hair. "You may blame him for the end of the group, if he doesn’t come back, but you can take sole responsibility for the reason he’s not back here."

Justin felt the sharp sting of leather repetitively coming in contact with his palm. He stopped just short of half court and looked at the nine players just across the solid black line. He looked at the scoreboard, saw the time ticking down, saw the score. 47-41 in favor of Parker; it was close no longer.

It was as if the world was moving in slow motion. In one instant he saw the Mill Creek fans looking on with concern; he saw the Parker players moving to block all of the passing lanes and stop Mill Creek from getting the ball to the basket. He saw Coach pacing the sideline, slapping his clipboard to his palm. He felt the ball moving back and forth between his hand and the floor--the echoing sound it was making highly magnified in his ears. He felt a trickle of sweat run down his neck. He saw the seconds on the shot clock moving slowly downward.

He saw Stu escape his defender and dive into an open passing lane. He tossed the ball and watched it fly through the air. He heard the smack of leather on skin as the ball hit Stu’s palms. He watched Stu take the ball to the basket and release it as the shot clock entered it’s final second. He watched the ball roll around the rim of the basket, around, and around, and around. And into the basket.

Somewhere in the back of his brain he heard the buzzer go off, but his eyes were glued to the scoreboard with the 00:00 on the clock and no more quarters to go. He stopped in the middle of the floor, not heeding the Parker fans streaming onto the court, jumping and hugging one another.

He looked up at the stands and locked eyes with Maggie. He saw the pout of her lips, the hair that was pushed behind her ear.

He turned away and met Stu’s eyes. Again, he had to look away.
--

JC stared at the computer sitting on the bed beside him.

"Do you think we’re being unreasonable?" he asked, staring at Chris.

Chris shook his head. "No."

"What if it is something important?" JC asked.

"Then he’s going to have to make a choice," Chris said. "How much have we sacrificed for this group, C? How many friends have we all lost? How many girlfriends have left because they couldn’t take the pressure? We were all innocent when we entered this world and look at us now."

"I don’t want to be responsible for driving him away," JC said. "I just want to go on with our lives."

"And we will," Chris said. "With or without him. I don’t think we can wait any longer."

"Yeah," JC said. "I guess you’re right. We can't wait any longer."