Wednesday, February 28, 2001

Justin’s eyes scanned the headline: Mill Creek Mustangs Fall in District Champs. He eyed the picture of himself gripping the ball, holding it to his stomach, bending his body around it.

"It’s a good picture," Maggie said. She trailed her fingers lightly across his back as she walked around the dining room table towards the kitchen.

"You know what’s really scary?" Justin asked. He scratched his fingers through his short curls. "In that one instant, when that buzzer rang, the season was over."

Maggie looked at him. "Maybe."

"It was like, it rang, and the last four months were pointless," Justin said.

He saw Maggie cock her head slightly to the side. "They weren’t pointless," she said.

He smiled tightly. "I hate losing."

"There’s a good chance you guys’ll go on," Maggie said. She took a step back towards the table. "I mean, you were ranked in the top ten. The other teams who lost weren’t."

"If we lost to Parker--" Justin said. "We're just going to be live bait--the means for another team to get another game into their season."

"You wouldn’t have to lose," Maggie said. "It’s not a rule that if you lose in district you can’t go the whole way."

"But the chances are slim," Justin said. "Unless you’re the State Champs, your season ends on a loss. And losing sucks."

"When do you find out if you go on?" Maggie asked.

"This afternoon," Justin said. "At school."

"It’s going to be a nice, relaxing day, isn’t it?" Maggie asked. She gave him a sympathetic grin.

"Yeah," Justin said.

Justin walked into the history classroom. He sat down at his normal table and pulled out his notebook. He looked up as Stu walked into the room. Justin smiled.

Stu looked away and sat down at a different table.

Washington DC

"Five days," Chris said, "and we have no clue what he’s going to do. Is he going to come back or is he going to stay away?"

"We don’t know," Joey said, "but it’s not going to help any of us if we speculate on that fact for the next five days, either."

"How can we not?" JC asked.

"We’ve been speculating for the last four months," Joey said. "Isn’t it time to just let life play itself out?"

"Amen," Lance said. He stared heavily at JC.

"Cross," Justin said. "Dude, wait up."

Stu turned around. "What."

"What’s up with you?" Justin asked. He stopped in front of Stu. The hall was filled with milling people.

"Take a wild guess," Stu said. He crossed his arms over his chest and stepped forward as someone bumped him. "It should really only take you one."

"I’m going to guess that this is somehow related to losing last night," Justin said.

"Bing," Stu said. He tapped his temple with his forefinger. "Give the man a prize."

"You’re acting like it’s my fault," Justin said. "I’m upset, too."

"Are you?" Stu asked.

"Why wouldn’t I be?" Justin asked. "We were all hurting last night."

"Because now you don’t have to choose, right?" Stu said. The bell rang, signaling the end of the passing period. "If we lose and we don’t go on, you’re good to go. The fallout is limited."

Justin stared at Stu. "You actually think I’d do that?"

Stu shrugged.

"It always comes back to this," Justin said. He sighed. "Don’t you ever get tired of it?"

"Tired of what?" Stu asked.

"This," Justin said. He gestured between himself and Stu, but dropped his hand back to his side. "When I first found out you knew, I was terrified. But then it was okay, you know, because you’d known for a long time and you were still my friend."

"I am your friend," Stu said.

"But ever since all you’ve been doing is bringing up how I don’t belong here." Justin stopped. "I belong here, Stu. And I belong out there. I know that."

"I know," Stu said.

"No," Justin said. "You don’t. You say you know. You think you know better than me, but you don’t. I’m going to say this for the last time. You are not me. You do not know."

The two teens stared at each other as the bell signaling the start of class sounded.

"If you knew me," Justin continued a few moments later, "you would never suggest that I would throw a game for my own benefit. Never."

Justin turned on the ball of his foot and proceeded to walk down the hallway towards his next class.

"You know what," Joey said. He moved away from the hotel room window and sat down on Lance’s hotel room bed. "I don’t want to go out there tonight."

"Why?" Lance asked.

"He’s not going to come back," Joey said. "And going out tonight means that we’ll be doing our third to last show."

"He might surprise us," Lance said. "Maybe he’ll be at the venue in Wichita waiting for us."

"I wish," Joey said. He sighed. "I think Jace might have pushed too hard."

Lance nodded. "I think what we have here is a case of all of us loving the group too much."

"How do you figure?" Joey asked tiredly.

"Justin left because he was going to break, or so he says. JC is pushing too hard to get Justin back. Chris is scared to death, and you and I, we just don’t want it to go away."

"Isn’t it supposed to be love that keeps us together, though?" Joey asked. "That’s the way it’s supposed to work, right?"

"But nothing works like it’s supposed to," Lance said.

Justin had just rested the palm of his hand on the door to the lunchroom when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"You, me, outside," Stu said. "Now."

Justin started to protest, but seeing Stu’s look, he nodded. He followed Stu down the hallway and out of the school.

"What?" he asked, when they were a sufficient distance from the building.

"I’m sorry," Stu said.

"Why," Justin said. "You’ve apologized before and it hasn’t stopped you from doing the same thing again."

"I shouldn’t have suggested that you would throw the game," Stu said.

"No," Justin said. "You shouldn’t have."

"I was upset," Stu said.

"Obviously you don’t think I was," Justin said. "I have five days left, Stu. Isn’t that good enough for you? In five days I will be gone."

"And this will all be over," Stu said.

Justin nodded. "You’ll never have to worry about me again. I’ll just be that stuck-up star who didn’t know what was best for himself."

"Would you really have stayed?" Stu asked a moment later.

Justin shrugged, but his chin fell towards his chest in the semblance of a nod.

"It doesn’t matter now, does it?" Justin asked.

"Yeah," Stu said.

"I just wanted to contribute to something," Justin said.

"You do," Stu said. "You’ve contributed more to this world than any other 19 year-old I know."

"I wanted to contribute something here," Justin said. "Out there is, well, out there. Here. I wanted to see that banner on the wall of the gym and be able to say that I helped put it there."

Stu nodded. He turned to look at the school.

"Is that Matt?" he asked.

Justin turned and looked. He shaded his eyes with the arc of his palm. "Yeah. He’s waving his arm at us."

"Did they announce?" Stu asked. He looked at Justin and, with a smile, started running back towards the school, Justin following closely on his heels.

"Are we in?" Stu yelled, when Matt was within hearing distance.

"We’re in," Matt yelled in return. "Seventh seed."

"Out of eight," Stu said as he stopped running and, with a sheepish grin, pulled Justin into a manly hug. He let out a whoop of joy and ran towards the school.

Justin felt his lips form into another tight smile as he followed behind.
--

Friday, March 2, 2001: Wichita, KS

"We have to play in a bigger gym?" Kevin asked as he turned around in the center of the gymnasium. "I think our whole district could fit in here."

"I don’t think so," Matt said. "This is just 4,000 or so. Nothing big."

"Fuck you," Kevin said. "You understand what I’m talking about, don’t you, Randy?"

Justin merely nodded. He listened to the sounds of sneakers echoing on the polished floor.

"See," Kevin said. "Randy agrees with me. I knew I liked him."

"You just like him because he’s another guy who’s as whipped as you are," Matt said. "That’s all."

"No," Kevin said. "Randy’s my man. We vibrate on the same wavelength."

Justin ignored the conversation. He walked towards the bench and sat down, resting his chin on his clenched fists.

"You’ve been dipping into the weed again, haven’t you?" Matt asked. "That’s where you’re getting this wavelength shit."

"Like you’re one to talk," Kevin said. "You’re the one with the delusional dreams that you’re going to make it in Hollywood."

"I will," Matt said. "All I need is a ticket out of this town."

"You’ll never get out," Kevin said. "None of us will."

Justin’s head fell forward so that his forehead was resting on his fists.

"M-m-m-u-s!" The cheerleaders, Laura leading the pack, bounced in front of the filled stands. "T-t-a-n-g! Mustangs! Mustangs! Go… Mustangs!"

Justin turned away from the window in the locker room door and looked at his nine other teammates.

"Come over here, guys," Coach said. "Pull up a bench."

Justin sat down on one of the benches. He felt his heart fluttering in his chest--a feeling almost akin to stage fright.

"From this point on," Coach said, "all records are erased. We’re all on an even playing field."

Ten players nodded.

"We were ranked higher than they were, however," Coach said.

Ten players nodded.

"And if we win," Coach said, "we’ll have another game tomorrow."

Another group nod.

"This other team is cocky," Coach said. "Let’s go out and show them that Mustangs fight until the very end."

Maggie gripped Emily’s arm with one hand and pushed a clump of hair behind her ear with the other.

"We might actually win," she said. She looked up at the scoreboard and saw the five-point difference. "That would be so cool."

"Randy’s doing good," Emily said.

"So’s Stu," Maggie said. She watched as the players ran back and forth on the court. "He’s coming to the concert with us on Sunday, right?"

"Of course," Emily said. "You think Randy would go by himself with us? He’d be a stupid boy if he did that."

"Yeah," Maggie said. She swallowed. "He’s going to be leaving soon."

"Who?" Emily asked. "Stu?"

"No," Maggie said. "Randy. Next week sometime." She sat down on the bench. "He told me last week."

"Wait," Emily said. She sat down next to Maggie. "Randy’s leaving? It’s the middle of the year."

"He says he doesn’t have a choice," Maggie said. "He won’t tell me anymore than that."

"He doesn’t have a choice," Emily said. "Why?"

"I don’t know," Maggie said. "I guess someone at his home said that he had to go back. I mean, really, what’s the point of running away if you just go back when someone tells you to."

"That’s really weird," Emily said.

"You know what else is weird?" Maggie asked. "Back in November? Well, he said that he was having trauma with this girl at school, but now, last week when he told me this, he told me that this was the longest he’d ever stayed in one place."

"Maybe his parents are in the military," Emily said. "That would be a reason he could have moved around a lot."

"Maybe," Maggie said.

"Maybe his parents do top secret stuff," Emily said. She grinned. "They could be undercover spies."

"I don’t think so," Maggie said.

"Or maybe," Emily said. Her grin broadened. "Maybe he’s the spy and he’s trying to crack the multi-national drug trafficking ring centered in our very own Mill Creek."

Maggie giggled. "And he just wanted to attend school and play basketball for the fun of it."

"He’d break his cover otherwise," Emily said. "He’d be a bad spy if he broke his cover."

All of the people around them suddenly stood up as the buzzer rang.

"Did we just win?" Maggie asked. She looked at the scoreboard, and back at Emily. "We just won!"

Justin pulled his sweatshirt over his head and picked up his bag from the concrete floor. He walked down the aisle, stopping right behind Stu. He leaned over so that he could whisper in the other teen’s ear.

"If I’d really wanted to throw a game, Stewart," Justin whispered, "I would have thrown this one."

Stu looked up, his face grim. "Things aren’t so simple, anymore, are they?"

Justin shook his head. "No, they certainly aren’t."

"Well," Stu started. "Good luck making your decision, man." He stared at Justin. "I trust you to know what’s best."

Saturday, March 3, 2001

"So," Maggie said. She was lying on her stomach across Justin’s bed with her head propped up on her hands. "Tomorrow’s the ‘N SYNC concert."

"I know," Justin said. His voice was carefully controlled. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, picking at his fingernails.

"Emily and I were thinking that tonight, after the game, we could just stay at Stu’s uncle’s house and go to the venue early tomorrow to get our tickets." She smiled.

"Sure," Justin said. "Sounds good."

"You could sound a little more enthusiastic," Maggie said. She crawled across the bed towards Justin.

"Yeah," Justin said. He stood up and walked towards the window. "Well I’m sorry if I’m not excited to be leaving in two days."

"Randy," Maggie said. "Look at me."

Justin turned around. "What."

"I’m trying to make the best of this, okay?" Maggie said. "You’re leaving. You aren’t giving me any reasons, any location that you’re going to, or anything. Do you think I’m happy with this situation?"

"No," Justin said. He walked back over to the bed and sat down. "Maybe I won’t go back."

"You have to," Maggie said. "That’s what you told me."

"Maybe it’s not worth it," Justin said. He stared at Maggie. "If you asked me to stay, I would."

Maggie pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth. "I’m going to sound really cliché, but you know I can’t ask you to do that."

"I still might, though," Justin said. "Stay, that is."

"But not for me," Maggie said. "We’ll be okay, Randy. I believe that."

"But will the team be okay if I left?" Justin asked.

Maggie shook her head. "Would your life be okay if you didn’t go back?"

Justin shook his head. "I don’t think so." He sighed. "It’s the same old question of what’s more important."

"But what’s even more important," Maggie said, "is that you’re going to win your game tonight and then the concert of the year is tomorrow."

"Oh, yes," Justin said, pushing Maggie back onto the bed. "That’s the most important thing of all."

Wichita, KS

"It’s bad of me to hate Kansas, isn’t it?" JC asked as he walked into the Wichita International Airport.

"No," Chris said. He lowered his voice so that it was barely audible. "It’s a stupid state."

"Guys," Lance said. He frowned at the two older men. "Not here."

"It is," Chris protested. "You can see all the way to Colorado. That’s just not natural."

Joey laughed. He clapped Lance on the back. "He’s right, bro. It’s not."

Lance finally smiled.

"Parker won their game," Stu said as he aimed his basketball at the basket. "So if we win tonight we meet them in the finals Monday." He let the ball go and watched as it fell through the hoop.

"I’m beginning to agree with Kevin when he said that our rivalry was getting a little boring," Justin said. He dribbled the ball twice and shot. "It is."

"We’d have a chance of beating them, though," Stu said.

"Yeah, we would," Justin said. "About 50/50, right?"

Stu nodded.

"But could you guys do it if I’m not here," Justin said.

"Josh might just be mad enough at you to pull it off," Stu said. He grinned and aimed the ball at the basket. It flew through the air and fell through the hoop.

"Maybe I should work on pissing him off then," Justin said.

"And we’re back where it all began," Joey said. He turned around in the center of the hotel room. "This, right here, is where we were the last night we were all together."

"Yeah," JC said. "When the next bus ride was the biggest thing we had to worry about."

"I miss those days," Chris said. He sighed dramatically. "I even miss the flying we did during that show."

"Oh, yeah," Joey said. "Gotta miss the flying."

"Baby, you’re not the only one," Lance sang, his deep voice cracking with laughter.

He ducked as four pillows flew through the air.

"Guys," Coach said as he walked into the locker room. "We have a visitor."

Justin looked up and saw the Mayor of Mill Creek.

"Good evening, guys," the Mayor said. He coughed lightly, clearing his throat. "While I really just wanted to come back here and wish you luck, I’m actually on official business."

Justin swallowed heavily.

"The city council wanted me to come convey our best wishes to you all," the mayor said. "You boys can’t know how much pride you’ve brought us all season."

"Well," Coach said. "We’ve been proud to represent you."

"Good luck out there tonight," the mayor said. "We need you to win so we can show Parker whose boss on Monday."

"We won’t let you down, Sir," Matt said. He saluted.

It was a situation he’d been in too many times before during the season. Fifteen seconds left on the clock and the opposing team was ahead by one. And he was dribbling the ball down the court towards Mill Creek’s basket, watching as the opposing team, nameless faces in gold jerseys, effectively blocked all of the passing lanes on the court.

Stu’s words echoed through his head as he pushed the ball down to the floor and caught it in controlled manner. It would be too simple to take a shot at the basket that was purposefully just a little off. There wouldn’t be enough time for another. He was an actor--he could fake tears of mourning for the season.

His words echoed through his head also, however. He wouldn’t ever throw a game. Ever. Not for his own benefit. He wanted to contribute something.

He made his way to the three point line, mumbled the words: "I stay or I go," and watched as the ball left his hands, arced through the air, and fell directly into the hoop.

When the buzzer rang a mere second later he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

As Maggie’s arms surrounded him, though, hugging him tight, he did a little of both.

Justin looked up as he heard a small knock on the door of his room in Stu’s uncle’s house.

"Randy?" Maggie asked. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah," Justin said. He sat up in the bed and turned on the bedside light. When Maggie had shut the door behind her he spoke again. "What’s up?"

"I was thinking," Maggie said. "You’re leaving after the Western Conference game, right?"

"Supposedly," Justin said.

"But what about State?" Maggie asked. "You would actually leave before State?"

Justin shook his head. "I’m not going to go. I’m staying as long as I need to."

Maggie furrowed her eyebrows. "But you said--"

"I changed my mind," Justin said. "I’m supposed to leave tomorrow, Mags. I’m supposed to be back by tomorrow night."

"But you said--" Maggie started again.

"I was trying to get the extra day," Justin said. "There was no way I thought we’d be playing Parker in the finals, and I thought that there was no way in hell we’d win, so I thought that by leaving on the fifth I’d be okay. They said no, though, and they aren’t budging."

"So you’re not leaving?" Maggie asked.

Justin nodded.

"Have you told whoever it is why you’re staying?"

Justin shook his head. "They asked me, but I know it wouldn’t make any difference."

"You should try," Maggie said. She reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the phone. Justin could hear the dial tone as she placed it in his hand. "Just try." She kissed him on the cheek and stood up. "I’ll see you tomorrow morning."

"Bright and early," Justin said. He looked at the phone in his hands and slowly punched the buttons he knew too well.

JC rolled over as his cell phone began to ring. "’lo?" he said.

"C?" Justin’s voice was tight through the phone.

"Justin?" JC asked. He sat straight up on the bed.

"Yeah," Justin said. He audibly took a deep breath. "We need to talk."

"Yes," JC said. "We do. But there’s really only one thing we need to talk about. Are you coming back tomorrow?"

"I can’t," Justin said. "You have to understand that."

"Why?" JC said. He stood up from the bed and walked to the door of his room, opened it, and stepped out into the main room. The lights were dark.

"I’m needed here," Justin said.

"So you keep saying," JC said. He knocked on Chris’s door and pushed it open before there was an answer.

"There’s this thing," Justin said. "It’ll be over in a week and then I’ll be free to go."

"There’s this thing called ‘N SYNC," JC said. "It’ll be over tomorrow."

Chris sat up on his bed and stared at JC. "Justin?" he asked.

JC nodded. Chris got up off of his bed and left the room.

"I have 2003 people depending on me," Justin said. "What I’m doing, it’d mean more to this town than anything else."

"What about the group, Justin," JC said. "What about the girls who would do anything to meet us just once."

"Maybe I don’t want that," Justin said. "Maybe I like living in anonymity. I haven’t signed an autograph in four months and you know what? I like it."

"Good," JC said. "I’m so happy for you, Justin. You’ve just been having your own little vacation while the rest of us been covering for you ass while you profess you want a group to come back to."

Lance, Joey, and Chris walked into the room.

"I do. I want to come back, Josh," Justin said. "I miss it. I miss you guys."

"Then come back," JC said. "Come back tomorrow night. We’ll be in Wichita until then."

"You guys are in Wichita?" Justin asked. His voice was suddenly faint.

"Yes," JC said. "Does that scare you, Justin?"

"No," Justin said. His voice wavered.

"You want to be here with us," JC said. "We know you do. You know you do. Those other people survived without you for nineteen years, surely they can again."

"Another day, Josh," Justin said. "Another week and we can all be happy."

"See, Justin," JC said. "That’s just it. First you ask for 24 hours, now you’re asking for another week. What next? Would you like us to wait until you’re married and have two kids with whomever this slut is that has you so turned upside down?"

Lance cringed and Joey frowned at JC.

"She’s not a slut," Justin said softly, his voice controlled. "And she’s not the reason I’m staying."

"Bull," JC said. "You know she’s only staying with you because you are who you are. You fall in love fast, J. You never see what’s right in front of your eyes."

"She doesn’t know who I am," Justin said. "And I love her. And she loves me."

"Do you, Justin?" JC said. "You loved Britney, too, remember? And now she’s crying on my shoulder because you found someone else."

"I didn’t love, Britney," Justin said. "I just thought I did. What I felt for her is nothing, nothing compared to what I feel--"

"And you say you aren’t staying for her," JC said.

"I’m not," Justin said. "Because we could make it work. I’m staying for my town. I’m staying for the people who accepted me for who I am and who have never pressured me to do what they want." He paused for a second. He corrected himself. "Rarely pressured me."

"We accept you," JC said.

"As Justin Timberlake, yes," Justin said. "But when was the last time any of you looked at me as Justin?"

"We did," JC said. His voice was weak.

"Did you?" Justin asked. "Well then, tomorrow night at the concert, I’ll try to look at you as Joshua Scott, the one who would give me the time I asked for, rather than JC, the one whose being a self-righteous bastard."

"Fuck you," JC said, but the dial tone was already loud in his ear.

"Fuck you," Lance said. He slammed the door to Chris’s room as he stalked out.

JC stared at Chris and Joey. "I don’t think he’s going to come back."

"I wouldn’t either," Joey said.

Chris nodded sadly and followed Joey out of the room.

Justin wiped at his right eye as he hung the phone up.

"Fuck you, JC," he said softly. He stood up from his place on the bed and walked to the door of his room. He stepped out into the dark hallway, and padded down the soft carpet until he came to Maggie’s room. He knocked on the door, and twisted the handle when he heard her acknowledgment.

He shut the door behind him silently and walked over to Maggie’s bed. He lay down beside her, immediately wrapping his arms around her.

"Hey," Maggie said. She ran a hand over his cheek and felt the thin stripe of wetness. "Hey. Come here."

"I love you," he said.

"I love you, too," Maggie said.

"I’m not going back," Justin said. "They’re all bastards and they just don’t understand. I’m not going back."

"Hey," Maggie said again.

"My home is here," Justin said. "It’s not out there anymore. It’s here. With you." His voice caught in a sob and tears burned as they slipped over his cheeks.

"It’ll be okay, honey," Maggie said. "I promise."