Have you noticed how just about everyone seems to be striving to be excellent these days? It has become a lucrative industry in itself, with organisations raking in the cash by telling other people how to be excellent. The trouble is, people spend so much time trying to fulfil someone else's perception of what excellence is, that they have no time to provide a decent service for their customers. They're too busy attending excellence seminars.

Now, I have nothing against excellence per se. In these deregulated days, any old shark who can raise a bank loan can start up a business, no questions asked. So we need some way of differentiating good from bad. But I feel that customer loyalty is a better gauge for how good your service or product is than any amount of certificates of excellence.

Too much excellence can be bad for you. The arrival of large chain stores, advances in communications and the utterly false notion that life needs to be led far more quickly than it used to be, mean that people now expect too much. We want the best, with all the extras thrown in, at below cost price, yesterday. And have it delivered. A few sales like that and you're bankrupt. But excellent.

Many of the people who chase their tails all day long trying to be excellent are, in fact, quite average - even on a good day. An excellent air traffic controller has a very well set out crash report form. A good air traffic controller prevents crashes. But they don't qualify as excellent because they haven't paid their subs.

Well, I think it's about time these people were acknowledged. So I've devised my own rating system for those unrecognised individuals who do what they say they'll do. Just send me a business plan and audited set of accounts and, for fifty bucks, I will categorise you as one of the following:

The PDG is awarded for consistent good service, good stock variety and availability, sensible hours, patience and honesty. PDG businesses do not try to foist accessories onto you, in order to bump up the sale - eg "Grass seeds, sir? A wise choice. And you'll be wanting a mower with that?"

It's OK to be QAR. Nobody has any real cause to complain about you. Your pies are not hot but they're not too cold. You don't smile at your customers but you don't hassle them either. Your turnover could be better but it pays the rent. Your stock is low but the shop is very clean.

In these days of positive reinforcement, nobody goes away empty handed. You don't fail exams, you achieve an F grade. And this certificate is for businesses which do not quite fulfil the criteria for either of the first two - but could, possibly, one day. The equivalent of a house described as "a handyman's dream." You don't open on weekends. You smoke in your office. You've never considered EFT-POS. You own the Lada franchise. Place the phrase "Registered CRAP Merchant" on your letterhead and you're making a universally recognised statement about your business.

I look forward to hearing from you.

To help us provide the best service possible, please complete the following.

I found this column:-

I laughed at:-

I understand:-

Thank you. Have a nice day.