You've Got Mail! Fur Me Study Time Nike In The Jungle Men's Life Getting Back Together by Johnny and Anna Dizzo Marriage Humor Y2K Checklist by Prescott Tolk Answering Maching Messages Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

Please note that all jokes are taken from books and from other websites.

You can even submit your jokes thru text. My # is (0917) 9725948.

\
You've Got Mail!
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again and  went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she  replied,  "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Fur Me
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.  "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me."  The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Study Time
Jimmy and Susan are comparing exam grades after school.

Susan says "I got an A on the math exam because my dad helped me.  He's a mathematician."

Jimmy responds, "Yeah, well, my dad helped me too, and I got an F.  My mom says he's a failure."

Nike In The Jungle
Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a  sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of 'Nikes' from his bag and starts to put them on.

The other guy with a surprised look on his face exclaims, 'Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?'

His friend replies: 'I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you.'

Men's Life
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much.  Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him,  "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings  of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion.  You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15 years."

And it was so.God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded,  "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."

And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20  years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused,
the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years  like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

Getting Back Together
A couple went shopping at the mall.  They decided to go their separate ways when the husband realized his wife was gone for
several hours and didn't meet him at their appointed meeting place.  Tired of looking for her, he decided to sit by a beautiful blonde on the mall bench.  He smiled and offered to light her cigarette and said, "Talk to me...Quick!!!"

She said, "Why?"

"Because everytime I am talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears!"

Marriage Humor
- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

- Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

- At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

- Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

- A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Y2K Checklist

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NOT Y2K READY:
You've backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.
You've put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.
The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting the computer.
You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.
You're Amish.


SIGNS THAT YOUR COMPUTER ISN'T Y2K READY:
It has trouble supporting the latest version of Tetris.
The spell check replaces the word "You" with "Thou."
It takes the same amount of time to re-boot as it does to bake a potato.
The manual advises you to throw a towel over the monitor to use as a screen saver.
It needs to be updated to binary code.

Answering Machine Messages
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you,
and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya.
We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right.......real slow.........
So leave a message, and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife
17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella. '
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea.  Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
.. and...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..........."