Sometime in one's life, one must make a great trek, a journey, a sabbatical, in order to prove one's worthiness in life and to show oneself just how stoic and heroic oneself truly is. It is usually a long journey filled with gargantuan obstacles of all shapes and sizes. This trek usually provides the participants with questions that, if answered, give the participant a new direction in life, and provide the participant with the opportunity to grow as a person and become a contributing member of society.
Two members of No Way Out, and three Fan Club Members made one such trek recently this summer. In an effort to prove to themselves and each other just how sturdy they really were, they made the six hour journey to corn-fed Iowa to see the legendary Metallica headline the epic Lollapalooza concert.
The trip began on a wonderfully hot day, June 27, 1996, a day that will forever live in infamy. The trekkers, Oscar, Brad, Mike, Willy, and Chad, packed into Oscar’s tiny Volkswagen with a trunk full of essentials, but missing the most essential beverage of all: beer. Despite this lack of the life-giving fluid, the trekkers were excited about the upcoming trip, and had even gone so far to decorate the car with some well-written verses about the upcoming event. The crew soon learned that this trek was going to be incredibly dangerous. The heat, baking the tightly packed car, made everyone go a little crazy. Some went so far as to ice certain parts of their body. But some good did come of this, as the band decided that the icing could lead to a new song called “Jealous Nipples”.
After eating at McDonald's, without winning anything in the Monopoly game, the band was feeling a little down. But as they entered Iowa, and waited as Chad relieved himself in the restroom, they knew that great things lay ahead. They had now entered enemy country, and knew that the threat of stampeding cows and teenage mutant ninja corn stalks could kill them at any moment. But they were not afraid. As the car said, “Lollapalooza or breast”. Entering the town of Clear Lake, Iowa, they noticed something that made the hair on their necks stand still. There, next to the giant ice cream cone, sat a giant cock. They had all seen large cocks, all they had to do was look in Chad’s pants, but this was no ordinary large cock. Indeed, this was extraordinary. It stood nearly thirty feet tall. So, gathering all the courage they could, they snuck up to this gigantic cock and got a photograph of it to prove to the disbelievers just how gargantuan it was. As they tore away in fear, they were startled to find that one of their members had fallen in battle. There, behind them, looking like a retard, lay Brad, face down on the pavement, an apparent casualty of friendly fire. But, being the warrior he was, he was quick to his feet and they sped off.
The camp out was perhaps another lesson in just how tough this journey would turn out to be. Finding a campsite near what appeared to be the only lake in Iowa seemed great in itself, but the fearless trekkers soon grew restless. So, they decided it was time to go a-hunting. They took to the seedy side of Clear Lake, and after a few minutes, they found themselves in front of the legendary Kum and Go, which the members soon began to refer to as the “Jizz and Piss”. Once inside, the task of locating something worthy of their greatness began. Only when their eyes alighted on the magazine Swank did they find something that they knew equaled their prodigious talents. The purchase went great, except for a minor mention of Vaseline, and soon the trekkers were riding around in the car, marveling at the beauty of the human body and reading wonderful stories about humanity.
Arriving back at their campsite to a roaring fire, the trekkers soon became restless again. So, two more started off to find the giver of all life, beer. Finding some, they approached the counter, and the conversation is as follows: “Can I see some id?” the moronic idiot behind the counter asked. “Sure,” remarked Brad, still unfazed as he handed over some id. The worker studied the card for an eternity, looking, scanning, searching for some clue so that he could stop the trekkers from their quest. You see, it was a government conspiracy to make this trek as impossible as possible. “Ah-ha!!! You are only 19.” “That’s not good enough?” “Nope. (Maniacal cackle) Put that beer back.”
Arriving back at the camp, the forlorn trekkers saw what appeared to be a pair of beached whales in their camp. But, apparently, it was just two members of the opposite sex. So, being as polite as possible, they soon struck up a conversation with the two. That was their fatal mistake. The subject soon turned to playing with ones own genitals, and the trekkers were amazed to find that one of the girls had done this with a carrot while in the company of a group of friends. Needless to say, they knew the Gods were definitely against them this time. The pits of their stomach began to churn and quake, but they all proved their worth, and were able to quell the nausea that burned within.
After a sleepless night, the journey resumed. Within two hours, two relatively uneventful hours, the trekkers found themselves in the parking lot of the grand event. Just one more hour, they thought, and they would be inside, moshing and dancing to the sounds of some of the best bands around. The thought nearly brought tears to their eyes. The hour had passed, and to the trekkers delight, they found themselves inside, gleefully waiting for the start of an event that would forever alter the course of their lives. The treekers were amazed by the amount of gasphinctos that they found inside. Yet, despite all the babes, the girls that always seemed to be around the trekkers were wearing skin tight clothes over their 300 pound frames, and were sweating profusely in places that men don’t like to see women sweat in.
At last, the first band took to the stage. Psychotica, a weird band with a sound that just can’t be put in any category, took to the stage, with the lead singer daintily hanging to a cross and sporting one of the coolest hairdos imaginable. Unfortunately, the back up singer turned out to be rather large, and wearing rather skin tight clothes, and seemed to be flaunting herself a bit too much. But, Psychotica did put on a great show. They were the only band who had the guts to go crowd surfing while playing, and almost all of the members of the No Way Out crew got to touch the man with the cool blue hair. All in all, they warmed the crowd up pretty good.
Next up were the Screaming Trees, hailing from the grunge capitol of the world. Most of the members of the trek found themselves up front in a typically Iowan crowd. Boring as hell. The lack of any kind of movement really had the trekkers a little bit dismayed. But, that was not all the crowds fault. The Trees put on a rather disappointing show, with the only memorable moments being their weight and the bassist ripping off his strings at the end and throwing them into the crowd. Other than that, it was a pretty normal, almost boring, show. Nothing to write home about for sure.
Next up was punk/ska artists Rancid. Although they’ve taken a little slack recently for being sellouts, the band definitely put on a good show. Constant movement and wild guitar playing techniques had many of the spiked hair, nosering clad people in the audience wildly thrashing about. Rancid even dedicated a few songs to the Ramones, whom it seemed they admired greatly. All in all, most of the trekkers agreed this had been the best band up till this point, and most of them were extremely exhausted when Rancid finally did finish their 45 minute set.
Following Rancid were the punk icons dubbed the Ramones. Unfortunately, their age was starting to show. Joey Ramone rarely moved, and when he did, the bones could be heard squeaking and groaning under the massive pressure. That, and the show seemed like one big long song interrupted at various points by shouts of “1-2-3-4”. Also, the fat chick seen sporting the skin tight green spandex outfit reading “Ramones” across the front had to be one of the lowlights of the trip, and the increase in old guys near the front who threw crowd-surfers to the ground and whose leather stunk incredibly of cheap whiskey (not that that’s a bad thing by any means) did not in any way heighten the effect of the show. But, this was the Ramones, and it was a show that all present were glad they had been to.
Next up was Waylon Jennings, and the only roar that he produced out of the crowd was when James Hetfield introduced him. His set was long and boring (many people were seen up against the railing fast asleep) and the teleprompter in front of him showed just how old he really is. No matter what anyone else tries to tell you, Jennings is country music, and, not to be overly stereotypical, it was incredibly uninspired.
At this point, the show itself had been merely mediocre musically, and the crowd seemed to be getting a little restless. Then came Soundgarden. This writer, being a little partial to the Soundgarden sound, found this to be an excellent show. Having heard that Soundgarden has no stage presence, and noting just how difficult some of their material could be to play live, this writer was thoroughly impressed by the band. Their all out sonic assault included the classic Black Hole Sun done solo by drummer-turned front-man Chris Cornell, and tons of other incredible songs, although, disappointingly they chose not to do more than three songs from the pre-Superunknown era. But, that minor point aside, the band played incredibly, with a lot more low-end provided by bassist extraordinaire Ben Shepard than can be heard on any of their albums. The highlight was definitely Blow Up The Outside World, a killer new track that was played as a plethora of cardboard pizza platters flew through the air, vaguely reminiscent of Soundgarden’s own Black Hole Sun video. All in all, Soundgarden showed why they are one of the most creative and talented bands in the world today.
And then there was one. Metallica. The band that had, in the early and middle 80’s, produced some of the most mind boggling albums ever to hit the market. Their first three albums were marvels of speed, precision and potency, and still rank among the greatest heavy metal offerings of all time. In recent years, as the band has grown up and realized that the music industry is a money making industry, they have released markedly different albums, and made huge amounts of money. Although their style has changed, there is still no arguing that Metallica is one of the greatest live bands ever to walk the face of the planet, and the opportunity to see them perform is an opportunity that no music aficionado should pass up.
The show itself was vintage Metallica. The intensity on-stage and in the crowd is nearly impossible for any other band to mimic. The band played their classics with the recklessness of youth, and the newer stuff with the delicacy that comes with age. Yet, something was just not quite the same. The band had dropped some vintage concert songs for a few songs off Load, and the lack of these songs was very noticeable. Missing were classics such as Seek and Destroy, Welcome Home (Sanitarium) and the Budgie tune Breadfan, all staples in the past, but replaced by newer songs. Although Until It Sleeps is a much better live song, all the other songs off Load just didn’t have that old time Metallica quality. It seems that, with the release of Load, the metal torch has been passed to bands such as Sepultura, Fear Factory, and Meshuggah.
With the Metallica performance over, including a shoe tossing incident that nearly turned ugly, the show was over. A huge concert, this Lollapalooza was no disappointment to the trekkers. They arrived back at the artful Volkswagen sweating and happy. They had survived the show, and had enjoyed every minute of it. It was now time to make the six hour trek home, a rather uneventful ride, except for the moving cones and Oscar’s beating of himself just to stay awake.
With that, the trek was over. The defining moment in all these young men’s life was done. The lessons they took home and the ideals they learned along the way will forever shape them and mould them into the people they shall become. Later on in life, no matter what they will have accomplished or failed, they will look back at these few precious days with longing, wishing and hoping that someday, just someday, they could repeat this trek.