Foul Play

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T KNOW THE BSB AND WITH MY LUCK I PROBABLY NEVER WILL. THIS STORY IS JUST A FUNNY/CREEPY SKIT MY SIS AND I PERFORMED FOR FUN WHICH I DECIDED TO TURN INTO A FANFIC TO KEEP MY MIND OFF THE FACT THAT I COULDN'T GET TICKETS TO THEIR CONCERT. *STARTS CRYING* I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE THEM! *BLOWS NOSE* I'M OK NOW. NO, I'M NOT. BUT I WILL GET THROUGH THIS, HOPEFULLY. PLEASE SEND FEEDBACK AT VMPR20042@AOL.COM. ENJOY. *WALKS AWAY MUMBLING CURSES AT TICKETMASTER*

BTW, THIS IS NOT REAL AS YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL BY READING THE STORY. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST LOU PEARLMAN OR OBESE PEOPLE. IT'S JUST HUMOR, OK? NO HATEMAIL PLEASE. OH AND ONE MORE THING…THERE'S VIOLENCE AND SWEARING.

Chapter 1
"Great show, guys," said Brian, after the Backstreet Boys finished their concert and boarded the tour bus headed for Orlando.
"Yeah, except for when Howie got thrown off the stage," commented AJ grinning. Howie blushed.
"Hey, it wasn't my fault! Nick threw me off!"
"I did not THROW you! I accidentally hit you and you fell! Besides, it was your own fault! You shouldn't have been standing behind me!" Nick defended himself.
"How did you NOT notice I was there?!"
"Sorry to break it to you, dude, but you're kind of small! I didn't see you!"
"SMALL?!!! I'm not talking to you, anymore."
"Fine with me." Nick moved to the front of the bus and Howie migrated to the back. The others just nodded their heads, a sign of disapproval towards their band mates' immature bickering.
" *sigh* They'll get over it soon enough," concluded Kevin. "So, where do you guys want to eat?"
"McDonald's!" shouted AJ and Nick. The others groaned.
"No, not McDonald's! We had breakfast there yesterday!" whined Brian.
"So?"
"So, I want something different! Something better! I want REAL food!" AJ gasped and clutched his chest like he was having a heart attack.
"Brian! Are you saying McDonald's isn't REAL?! Why don't you just go to Burger King, you traitor!"
"Shut up!"
"Guys, guys, we can decide peacefully," Kevin, being the mature one, reasoned. "Ok, who here wants McDonald's?" AJ and Nick raised their hands. "Ok, who wants some place else?" Howie and Brian raised their hands. "Ok, that's two and two."
"Kev, what do you want? You're the tie breaker."
"I don't know. I don't really feel like fast food. But, Brian, what do you have in mind?"
"I don't know. A diner or something, maybe?"
"Umm, how about we drive around until we see something we like. If not, we'll just go to Mickey D's, k?" Everyone agreed. They drove around for fifteen minutes before spotting a T.G.I. Friday's and right next door, there was a McDonald's, so all of them were satisfied. Kevin took charge again.
"Ok, AJ and Nick, I'm assuming you guys will finish first, so you guys can just meet us in here when you're done, ok?" They nodded their heads and walked to the McDonald's, while the others entered the restaurant.
"So what are ya gonna get, Bone?" asked Nick.
"The usual, # 6. You?"
"A Big Mac, I guess." They walked through the door and stood in line. Ten minutes later, they were still in the same place and the line didn't seem like it was going to move anytime soon.
"What the heck's holding up the line?!" hissed Nick, impatient and hungry.
"It's some big dude in the front! He's ordering like fifty million Big Macs!" Nick turned his attention to the front and noticed a very heavy man being served three trays full of burgers, fries, sodas, and desserts. Nick's jaw dropped to the ground.
"Whoa! You think he's gonna eat all that?!"
"Well, look at him! I wouldn't under estimate him!" Many people gaped and with their eyes followed the man as he sat himself down on a booth, taking up the whole space, and began to devour his prodigious meal. Nick suddenly felt sick.
"Ugh, I think I lost my appetite," he groaned.
"Hey, Nick, doesn't he look familiar?" AJ hissed into his ear.
"Huh?" Nick looked at the man and thought he saw a hint of familiarity in his face in between the pudgy cheeks, quadruple chin, and fat rolls. "Yeah, he does! He kind of looks like…" Nick squinted harder and soon discovered who the man was. "Lou!"
"Yeah! Man, he's even bigger than when we last saw him!"
"Yeah, like twice as big!"
"Eww! Nick, don't make eye contact with him. Let's just get our food and sit as far away from him as possible. He scares me."
"I agree."
They ordered their food and tried to get by Lou without being noticed. They succeeded effortlessly since Lou was too busy shoveling food into his mouth to realize that two members of his ex-money-making act were in the same place as him. AJ and Nick sat on the other side of the room. All of a sudden, without warning, Lou lifted his right butt cheek 20 degrees off the bench and let one rip. Nick was shocked. AJ was nauseated. The foul stench flowed throughout the place.
"AJ, did you hear that?!" hissed Nick.
"I think the whole damn state heard that!"
"Man, that was wickedly gross!"
"Ok, can we forget about him?! I'll puke if we keep talking about it!"
AJ looked down at his tray then pushed it away from himself. "Umm, I'm not hungry anymore."
Nick took a glimpse at Lou and then realized he had lost his appetite as well. "Me neither."
Totally forgetting about food, they tried having a peaceful conversation, not paying any attention to the man on the other side who had just finished his 27,916,281,574,173,418,348,131 burgers and now had focused his seemingly forever-hungry eyes on them. He growled. Nick shifted in his seat, feeling uncomfortable. He looked around the room suspiciously. Then he nudged AJ and whispered across the table, "Hey, do you feel like we're being watched?"
"Actually, yeah." They both turned around and saw Lou eyeing them evilly.
"Oh shit! He spotted us!" Nick said in a quiet yet panicked tone.
"Just don't look at him!"
Lou got up, with a lot of trouble, and slowly waddled towards them. Every step he took caused a vibration beneath their feet.
"Oh my God, AJ, he's coming! He's coming, AJ! What are we going to do?! I'm scared!"
"Shhhhh! We'll just see what he wants!"
The 600+ Lou stopped a few inches behind AJ. AJ looked incredibly tiny next to the thundering giant. Nick shuddered and shrunk in his seat. AJ meekly turned around and faced him.
"H-h-hi, Lou…fancy meeting you here…h-h-how ya been?"
Lou's response was a snarl.
"Umm, is there s-s-something you want?"
"Yesss," he hissed. "There is."
Nick was terrified. The way he said it sent chills down his spine. He could feel the little hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.
"Really? W-w-what is it?"
Lou narrowed his eyes.
"I want to eat you."
"Excuse me?!"
Lou grabbed AJ's shoulders and lifted him high above his head.
"NIIIIICK! HEEEEEELP!!!" he shrieked.
Nick snapped out of it and jumped onto Lou's back, fiercely punching and kicking him, trying to get his legs around Lou's waist to get a better grip, but Nick's legs couldn't spread that far.
"LET HIM GO!" he yelled wrapping his arms around Lou's thick neck.
"Grrrrrrrrrrr!" Lou grabbed Nick's arm and flipped him over his shoulder and onto the table. AJ squirmed about and finally made Lou drop him. He landed on his knees and elbows and crawled to Nick who was trembling under the table.
"Nick, we have to get out of here!"
Nick nodded and they both crawled out and stood up. Lou was blocking their way to freedom.
"Let us go! We didn't do anything to you!"
Lou snorted and charged at them. AJ jumped onto the table and Nick leaped out of the way. Lou was getting pissed.
"Come here, you two little---"

Meanwhile…

"Where the heck are they?! They should've been finished by now!" exclaimed Brian, tapping his fingers on the table.
"I don't know. You wanna go get them?" suggested Howie.
"Yeah, let's go."
Kevin, Howie, and Brian paid the bill and walked outside, still wondering what took Nick and AJ so long. They started towards the McDonald's when they heard screaming and banging noises coming from it.
"What the---"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Nick and AJ burst out the door, running for their lives.
"Nick! AJ!"
"Howie, Kevin, Brian! Get in the bus! Hurry!" screamed AJ flaring his arms.
"What's going on?!"
"No time to explain! Get in the bus NOW! Trust me!"
The five took off running towards the bus. Howie looked back and saw an extremely over weight man chasing them, his blubber jiggling with every booming step he took. His face was beet red and the veins on his forehead and neck were throbbing. He looked really REALLY mad.
"Get back here, you little Backstreet bastards!"
They finally reached the tour bus and jumped inside.
"What the hell did you guys do to that guy to get him so pissed?!" yelled Brian.
"We didn't do anything!" panted Nick.
"He just attacked us! He hates us!" added AJ, out of breath.
"He hates us?! Why?!"
"Cuz he's Lou!"
"He's Lou?!"
"He's Lou," he said in a deep and serious tone.
"Pearlman?!"
"What other Lou do we know who has a motive for wanting to kill us?!"
"B-b-but---"
"I tried beating the crap out of him, but he didn't seem to feel a thing!" exclaimed Nick.
"Duh, the man's like a thousand pounds! He's got protective blubber like a whale! Why were you beating him?!"
"I couldn't let him eat AJ!"
"Ok, guys, calm down. It's over now. That was just an unfortunate coincidence," assured Kevin. "He doesn't know where we're gonna be, so we'll never see him again, alright?"
They all nodded their heads convinced that they would never have to worry about Lou again. They were wrong.


The boys arrived at their hotel at one in the morning. They all stood in front of Kevin's room. His room was next to Brian's and Brian's was next to Nick's. Nick's room was across the hallway from Howie's room, which was next to AJ's.
"Man, I'm exhausted!" said Brian.
"Me, too," added a very sleepy Howie.
"It's a good thing we have the day off tomorrow. I'm about ready to pass out!" declared AJ.
"Hey, how about we all go clubbing tomorrow night? We haven't done that in a while," suggested Nick.
"Yeah, that's a good idea. After we're all rested up and done doing our own things and whatnot we can meet in the lobby at about ten and hit the local club scene," confirmed Kevin.
They all agreed and dragged their luggage into their own rooms. The boys all unpacked the necessary, showered, then went to bed, unaware that someone was watching them.

The next morning…

"So…guys, what are we gonna do today?" asked Nick.
"I'm gonna go to the beach with Kev," stated Brian.
"Me and AJ are going shopping," informed Howie.
"You guys have it all planned out, but what am I gonna do?" whined Nick.
"I don't know. You can come to beach with us, if you'd like," offered Brian.
"Ok, thanks, Frick."
"No problem, Frack."
"Ok. We must part now. Bye, guys, be safe," said Kevin, as the two groups went their separate ways.
"So, where are we gonna spend our hard earned money? The plaza? The mall? Or are we gonna go to each little individual store?" asked AJ.
"Hmm, how about the plaza? We haven't been there in ages!"
"Cool."
They walked to the Orlando Plaza since it was near by and entered a store that had a lot of stylish and expensive sunglasses on display. AJ took one off the rack that had a silver frame and put it on. He turned to Howie. "What do you think?"
"AJ, you have like a zillion pairs of sunglasses! Besides, don't you have something like that already?"
"No. I HAD a pair like these, but Nick accidentally sat on them. Nick and his stupid big butt!"
"Get them if you want."
"I will."
AJ paid for the sunglasses and then they left and found an Armani Exchange store.
"Now this is more like it! What do you think of this one?" Howie asked holding up a light blue dress shirt.
"It is definitely you."
"Thank you very much."
He went into the dressing room to see how it fit him. AJ wandered the store searching for something "different". He found a gold-striped black vest and decided to try it on when something caught his eye.
"Uh oh!"
Lou Pearlman had just entered the store. AJ dove behind a rack of clothes and kept his eye on him. Howie came out of the room in the shirt and noticed that AJ disappeared. He started walking down the aisles.
"AJ? AJ, where'd ya go, man?"
Someone grabbed him from behind and dragged him behind the racks.
"AJ! What are you doing?!"
"Shhhhh! Big Papa just came into the store!" he hissed.
"Who?"
"Lou!"
Howie raised his head and peeked at the entrance. Lou was just standing there, looking around the store.
"Oh shit! This is great!"
"Do you think he's following us?!"
"But he's after us!"
Howie looked up again and saw that Lou had not moved and his eyes seemed to be searching the store for someone.
"You know, Bone? I think you may be right!"
"I told you! Oh no, we're gonna die! We're gonna die! I don't wanna die!"
"Shhhhh! We're not going to die! He hasn't seen us yet!"
"Yet?!"
Lou started walking towards the rack AJ and Howie were hiding behind. Howie's eyes widened.
"AJ, he's coming!"
AJ let out a little squeak of fear.
"Don't worry, if we don't say anything or make any noise, he won't know we're here!"
Lou was now standing directly above them.
'Lord, please don't let him see us! Oh please please please please please!' AJ silently prayed.
Lou grunted and started walking the other way, mumbling something about cutting something (someone?) up and putting it (them?) on pizza.
Howie sighed in relief.
"AJ, he's gone now. AJ?"
AJ was curled up into a little trembling muttering ball. Howie poked his arm and he let out a shriek.
"AJ, it's ok! He's gone!"
"H-h-he is?"
"Yeah, he is. You're really afraid of him, aren't you?"
"Dude, you'd be fearing for your life, too, if he threatened to eat you!"
"Well, anyway, let's get out of here!"
The two men stood up and straightened out their clothes and walked away like nothing happened.
"Oh wait! I have to pay for this shirt!"
Howie paid for it and walked out, not even bothering to change back.
"Now what are we going to do?"
"I don't know about you, but I'm staying in my hotel room, nice and safe!"
"You're going to stay locked up until tonight?!"
"Oh, I almost forgot about tonight! Howie, we can't go out! He might get us!"
"No, clubs are way crowded and besides, we got big bad Kevin! I'm sure all five of us together can take him!"
"Dude, the man probably weighs more than the five of us together!"
"Well, do what you wish, I'm going to the pool!"
"Ok, but if you see a shadow that looks like it weighs more than you do, get out before he belly flops on you!"
"Thank you for the wonderful advice, friend."
"No prob, Bob."
AJ retreated to his room, while Howie went up to his, changed into his swimming trunks, and dove into the cool blue water, determined to enjoy himself. AJ was lying on his bed and reading when the phone rang.
"Hello?"
Silence.
"Hello?"
Heavy breathing.
"Hello?!"
"Hello, AJ, what's your favorite scary movie?!" said a very deep voice from the other line.
"Huh?"
"I asked you what's your favorite scary movie!!!"
"Ok, is this some kind of sick joke?!"
"It's no joke, AJ, it's a game! Now tell me your damn favorite scary movie!!!"
"Umm, Titanic! Listen, this isn't funny!"
"It's not meant to be funny, it's supposed to be scary! Don't look out your window!"
"Ok, first of all, it's stupid, not scary! You're not supposed to be calling in the middle of the day! Secondly, I'm five stories up, you moron!"
"Oh." *click* Dial tone.
"Jeez, if you're going to be a killer, the least you could do is do it at night!" AJ exclaimed shaking his head. "Killers, today! No sense of originality!"

At the pool…

Howie's cell phone was ringing.
"Hola?"
"What's your favorite scary movie?!"
"Umm, you got the wrong number. I think you want Drew Barrymore. Bye!" *click* "Psycho."
*rrriiiiing*
"Hello?"
"I don't want Drew Barrymore, I want you!"
"That's nice!" *click*
*rrriiiiiing*
" *sigh* Yeah?"
"I'm gonna gouge your eyes out with a fork, gut you and boil your entrails, and hang your empty carcass off a tree for the insects to devour! After everything but the bones are gone, I'm gonna remove your skull and put it in a nicely wrapped box and send it to your mother as a birthday gift!"
"That's great! You just do that! Good bye!" *click*
*rrriiiiiiiing*
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM MY LIFE???!!!"
"Umm, I just wanted to see if you were still alive."
"AJ?! Holy shit! There was just some psycho calling me every five seconds!"
"Really?! Well, bust my legs and call me shorty! There was a psycho calling me, too!"
"This is freaky!"
"Tell me about it! You should really come inside, dude!"
"Don't worry about me, there's security out here and stuff."
"Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you! Take care, bro."
"Ya."
*click*

Off in the distance…

A pair of vigilant and angry eyes kept watch on the unsuspecting Howie.
"It's only a matter of time now…" whispered a familiar voice.

.:Chapter 2:.
.:Chapter 3 - Last Chapter:.

.:Back to da stories:.

.:Back to da "Butt":.

© 1999 "I Like Nick's Butt"