CONSTIPATION! A BAD, BAD word. It has plagued Enki in one way or another throughout his pathetic life.
There are several factors that contribute to constipation: women, stress, women, change in work and/or eating schedule, women, diet, and, of course, women.
Enki, age 2:
Enki: "Oooooooo....." *holding his tummy*
Enki's Mom: "Now what the hell's the matter with you, Brat?"
Enki: "Doody, Mommy! Doody!"
Enki's Mom: "I'm tired of you shitting all the time, you little Bastard! Eat this cheese!"
And then it started.
All the time Enki was growing up, he suffered off and on from it. He had a terrible diet, and a ton of stress. Then, in October of 1993, at age 22, he made a HUGE mistake in saying "I do......."*silent, mental scream of horror*. Enki didn't take a dump for a year and half.
In May of 1995, after Enki's wife hit him in the head with his own pistol, he became somewhat sane and kicked her out. His first act as a free man was to grab a beer and a book and head for the bathroom. He was finally regular.
In July 1998, Enki had his worst bout ever. His job went to twelve hour shifts, and Enki was bumped to nights. On top of that, his boss was fired, and his new supervisor was a bit of an ass.
With the change in work and eating schedule, and the stress with the new boss, Enki's ass got scared and closed up!
July 27th, Enki's at work, and his stomach started hurting.
Enki: "Oooooo....." *holding his tummy*.
Enki's Boss: "What the hell's the matter with you?"
Enki: "My stomach hurts. I didn't take a dump all weekend."
Boss: "For God's sake, man, go to the bathroom!"
So Enki went in, dropped his pants, and sat down. And sat there. And sat there. Nothing happened. Then he heard this little voice:
Enki's Sphincter: "Houston, we have a problem!"
For the next two days Enki was miserable. He kept getting false alarms, and this frustrated him even more. Then Thursday morning, Enki got home from work, went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and tried everything he could think of. He grunted, strained, sweated, pushed, yelled, cussed, and even thought of his "happy place", all to no avail. Then he had an idea(hard to believe, huh?). If running water helps people urinate, what about splashing a little? He then started dropping pennies in the toilet. Whatever was doing it, he was glad because his bowels started moving. HOOFAH! Then the heart-break! A turd about an inch long fell. And it was over. Enki began crying.
Enki suffered for another week. His boss didn't make things any better.
Boss: "Goddammit, Enki, I'm getting tired of your ass complaining! Eat some fucking Ex-Lax or something! How about if I just work the shit out of you....."
Which he did for about three days. Enki was sick, and working twice as hard as before.
On August 7th, about 2:00AM, Enki was at work, when his stomach started hurting again.
Enki: "Oooooooo...." *holding his tummy*
Boss: "Damn, Enki! Take your ugly ass to the bathroom and don't come out until you crap!! And don't forget to wipe this time, you stinky-ass motherfucker!!!"
Once again, Enki went in and sat his lazy ass on the porcelain throne. Normally, this was his favorite chair to sit on, but he was tired and frustrated over his lack of "production" lately. The only thing he could do was sit there and think of his "happy place".
Enki's Tummy: "Grrr...blug...GRRRRRR!!
Enki: "HUH??"
Enki's Sphincter: "Mission Control, this is Enkster's Sphincter, how are you reading me?
Enki: "Sphincter, this is Control, you are LOUD and clear. Begin systems check.
Enki's Sphincter: "Systems check complete. All systems are green at this time."
Enki: "Roger that, Spincter. Can you confirm docking position?"
Enki's Sphincter: "Control, we are looking out the starboard bung-hole, and have a visual of docking position. We can confirm contact with porcelain. Rectum is also in position."
Enki: "Roger, Sphincter. You are clear to open the cargo bay doors."
Enki's Sphincter: "Cargo doors are open."
Enki: Sphincter, you are a go for launch where the sun don't shine on ....three.....TWO.....ONE!"
Enki's Sphincter: "That's one small dump for Enki, one GIANT CRAP for Enki's Ass!
Enki:
Enki is feeling better now. He wishes to thank everyone for their concern!