Enki, age 5, Sunday morning in church:
Enki: "psssss, Mom....."
Mom: "quiet...."
Enki: "Mommy........"
Mom: "quiet!"
Enki: "but Mom....."
Mom: "Not now!"
Enki: "Mommy, I gotta...."
Mom: "I said be quiet!"
Enki: "MOMMY! I GOTTA GO
Then everyone in the church would watch while Enki's Mom beat the living shit out of him! And all he wanted to do was take a dump, which is a perfectly natural thing. It's even God's will for us to drop a load every now and then.
Now, some people get nervous when this subject is brought up. Some people get sick or totally disgusted by this topic. But here is the ugly truth: we ALL do it! Most of you do it everyday. It's a fact of life. Just like peeing on an electric heater can cause a serious shock. It's a PROVEN fact (By the way, Enki is feeling much better now). There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with talking about the "dirty". So let's just get over any inhibitions about this topic, okay? Thank you.
There are three things that are essential for the survival of the Human race, and they are, in order:
Now you know why they call it the "#2"!
The toilet was made just right! It's perfect! There is no other piece of furniture that Enki would rather sit on than the toilet.
First of all, taking a crap REALLY relaxes you. It's almost like sex. After you're done, you just wanna lay there and go to sleep. And the toilet is a good place to sleep. You just lay back against the tank, you butt hanging down so there's no pressure on it, your breathing slows down, and you just pass out. Just make sure you flush first, otherwise you'll wake up to the REALLY nasty!
The commode was designed for the Human butt. Therefore, it is more comfortable to sit on than any other chair. Every room in the house should have at least one commode in it. Enki's dream is to install one in the living room. That way, he won't miss any of the games!
October 1994, Enki drunkenly stumbled into the house around 3:00AM to find his wife waiting up for him, and pillow and blanket on the couch:
Enki: "What is that?" (Enki pointed at the couch)
Wife: "That's your bed! You're sleeping out here!"
Enki: "No I'm not!"
Wife: "Yes, you are!!!"
Enki: "Nope, I sure ain't!" (Enki began grabbing the pillow and blanket)
Wife: "Well, you're NOT sleeping with me!!" (She then stood in front of the door to bedroom)
Enki: "I don't want to sleep with you! I'm going to sleep on the toilet!"
Enki then went into the bathroom, locked the door, stripped down naked, and slept on the toilet. He awoke in the morning to a full toilet and the sound of his wife beating impatiently on the door because she needed to pee BADLY!! But he was COMPLETELY relaxed.
October 1996, after the Texas Chat Line Party in Houston. Enki and Bad Moon Rising staggered into hotel room. Bad Moon passed out on the bed, and Enki fell onto the couch. About 6:00AM, Enki woke up and had to dump REALLY BAD! So he staggered into the bathroom. About five minutes later.....
Bad Moon: "HEY!! WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON IN THERE??"
Enki: "....uh...nothing....why do you ask?"
Bad Moon: "Damn, Enki, I'm trying to sleep, and your stupid ass keeps
waking me up!(He began banging on door) What the hell are you doing?"
Enki: "Nothing, Man. I'm just trying to take a shit,
DO YOU MIND???" (Enki wiped real quick, pulled up his pants, and walked out holding his butt)
Bad Moon:: "Say, man, it STINKS in here!" (He went into the bathroom)
Enki crawled back onto the couch and pretended to sleep.
Bad Moon: "What the fuck is this on the floor??? A SKID MARK??? Enki, did you fall
off the toilet?"
Enki: "Nope....have NO idea what you're talking about...."
Bad Moon: "Stinki, get in here and clean your shit up!"
Enki: "Naw, dude. That's what room-service is for." (Enki passed out again)
Enki's ass hurt for two days after that.
The essential ingredient in a REALLY good bowel movement is: PEACE! For God's sake, when someone is taking a crap, leave them be! You have to be able to relax to have a good dump! If you get all uptight, ESPECIALLY when someone is bothering you, it could lead to constipation. Constipation is BAD! Relaxation is GOOD!
Here is an example of what NOT to do when someone is on the toilet:
Enki's got the door locked, sitting on the toilet, reading a book.
Knock, knock, knock.
Enki: "Yes?"
Knock, knock, knock.
Enki: "What do you want?"
Wife: "What are you doing?"
SPLASH! SPLUNK!
Enki: "Does THAT answer your question?"
If the door is locked, PLEASE don't knock! If it isn't locked, don't stand there and stare like you've never seen anyone shit before! If you think it's such a sight, go watch yourself in the mirror! Don't ruin someone else's dump.
THE END
