RECORDING NOTES
Excerpts from my notebook called "The Insane Thrill Of War."
31 ... Aches & Pains ... On the Beach ... My Dog ... Petfood ... A Great Idea ... The Idea Problem ... Elevator Operator ... Nightwatchman ... Buying a Tank ... Mardi Gras ... A Party ... Past Lives 1 ... Past Lives 2 ... Napoleon ... Near Death ... Moderns ... Ancients ... Reading ... Writing ... Schopenhauer; My Uncle ... Hunger ... Dining Out ... My Rooster ... My Hens ... Horse Fan ... Life of a Stud ...
31
I’m 31 years old - that’ll give you some idea of my age.
ACHES & PAINS
My health’s not so good. I’ve got so many aches and pains right now that a new one would have to wait a week before I could feel it.
ON THE BEACH
Yesterday I was walking on the beach when I saw an old bottle. I opened it and I was amazed when a genie appeared and said, "I’ll grant you any two wishes you want." I said, "Okay, I want something that’ll restore my health - and then I want a date with a Hollywood starlet." I went home and there was a knock on the door. On the mat was a bowl of chicken soup. Then the phone rang. It was Lassie.
MY DOG
I once had a paranoid bloodhound. He thought people were following him.
PETFOOD
I used to work for a petfood company. I’m the guy who thought up mailman-flavoured dogroll.
A GREAT IDEA
I had a great idea this morning, but I didn’t like it
THE IDEA PROBLEM
The trouble with ideas is they inevitably degenerate into work.
ELEVATOR OPERATOR
I heard there was an acute shortage of elevator operators so I applied for a job but the personnel manager told me, "Sorry, we really want somebody with experience." Couldn’t she have at least started me off in a building with only one floor?
NIGHTWATCHMAN
I got a job as a nightwatchman but I was fired becos somebody stole two nights.
BUYING A TANK
I found out how hard it is to buy a tank. Have you ever kicked a tread?
MARDI GRAS
What’s so special about Mardi Gras? Even if they held it in the streets, I wouldn’t go.
A PARTY
I was at a party and this guy goes, "Make yourself at home." If I’d wanted to do that I’d have stayed there.
PAST LIVES 1
I went to a Reincarnation Party. The invites said, "Come as you were."
PAST LIVES 2
In one of my past lives I was a devout Catholic. As I lay on my deathbed, after receiving unction, my last words were, "Keep the rats away, now that I’m all greased up."
NAPOLEON
My favourite saying of Napoleon’s is the one that goes, "Oh well, no matter what happens, there’s always death."
NEAR DEATH
I nearly died the other night. I was frenchkissing an epileptic and she swallowed my tongue.
MODERNS
"Go swallow a bottle of coke and let it fizz out your ears," said William Carlos Williams to Ezra Pound.
ANCIENTS
Denise Robbins said to Barbara Cartland, "I’ve just finished writing my 87th book." Barbara Cartland said, "I’ve written 145." Denise Robbins said, "I see, one a year."
READING
I’ve been reading a book called Correctly English in 100 Days.
WRITING
A friend of mine’s a writer. I said to him, "I like your book, who wrote it for you?" He said, "I’m glad you liked it - who read it to you?"
SCHOPENHAUER; MY UNCLE
Schopenhauer said, "To expect a man to retain everything that he has ever read is like expecting him to carry about in his body everything that he has ever eaten." I had an uncle like that.
He was taller lying down than he was standing up.
Or he’d be sitting in his chair and he’d rock himself to sleep trying to get to the phone.
My aunt was always at his side hugging and kissing him until she saw a woman on the other side doing the same thing.
Then my uncle went on an all-garlic diet. He didn’t lose weight, but people stood farther away and he looked thinner.
HUNGER
There shouldn’t be hunger, at least hunger unnecessarily of the people who would otherwise want to be fed.
DINING OUT
I said to a waiter once, "Do we have to sit like this until we starve?" He said, "No, we close at eight." Then he told me the special of the day was tongue. I balked. "I won’t eat anything that comes from an animal’s mouth. Just bring me some eggs."
MY ROOSTER
I have the world’s laziest rooster. In the morning he waits for another rooster to crow, then he just sits there and nods his head.
MY HENS
I wrote to the Ministry of Agriculture about my chickens, who seemed to be suffering from a mysterious ailment: Every morning for the last month I’ve found 3 or 4 of my hens lying on their backs with their feet in the air. What causes this? Today I got a telegram: YOUR HENS ARE DEAD.
HORSE FAN
I love animals. I spend all my money on horses.
LIFE OF A STUD
Stallions must have an exceptionally bad time: Nag, nag, nag, all day long.